ADMIRATION

Of all the feelings and their expressions that we humans have, I lean a bit towards ‘Admration’. And how I decided on this favourite was when I found myself observing people admire & thinking of all the ways of admiration that are so beautiful.

Some really beautiful moments of admiration I’m trying to describe with words, knowing that words will not be enough. But still, if this brings a smile to your face and softens your heart for even a second, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Admiring a child whom you have seen growing up and flashes of ‘how little and innocent he/she was’ appear in front you. Your heart fills with love and you want to hug him/her and find a way of how much you love them.  You might be mother, a father, an elder sister, and elder brother, an aunt or a nanny. But the admiration doesn’t change. When you look at them, those whom you have carried in your arms till they got numb, but you couldn’t feel a think because you just wanted to see this  little baby sleep and now they are grown up in front you where any display of your affection embarrasses them. This child that you once could look at for hours while he slept so peacefully almost hypnotising you. The child you’ve played games with and made faces to hear their sweet and pure laugh. And now when you look at them, you cannot but smile when these thoughts come to your mind. Soon they’ll become individuals of their our mind and values, but you feel so blessed to be a part of their life.

Admiring someone your heart feels for, it may be love, a crush or just something you cannot describe or name yet. When you see that special person, your heart skips a beat, you go through sleepless nights and wishful dreams, you travel distance and there is nothing that stops you from being with him. The way they talk, move, speak, you just don’t seem to get enough to it. Sometimes you find yourself looking at your reflection in their eyes and at times in crowded spaces all your eyes see is him. The feelings, excitement and crazy. In between dates, meetings and while chatting away till wee hours you silently admire that smile, that beautiful heart, the way you hold hands and how you feel that this is what was missing in your life. It might be that its you who feels for him but haven’t told the person yet.  You cannot wait to get a glimpse of him, you hide behind doors and admire from a distance, you see him and see how you will be together. This admiration seems to grow on you and no matter what anyone says, you cannot but see the best in them.

Admiring your inspiration/hero– We all have our hero’s, someone you look upto, someone you want to be like someday, someone whom you might noteven know personally but gives you strength & hope in your times of distress and doubt. All the respect and idealism you have for them is something you cannot express with words. They make you want to be better and get everything you’ve wanted. They might be someone ordinary and not famous, but to you they’re the bravest and best. I always looked up to my father, they respect people gave him, the charm and power his personality carried. I always was proud of being his daughter. I was so in awe of him, the few things that I looked as benchmarks for what I wanted to become when I grow up were 

a) his discipline (everyone says I have inherited that from him),

b) his hard work (people say inherited again)

c) his authoritative and powerful personality ( this is now on ‘my ideal boyfriend/husband should have’ list) 

d) His immense and unconditional love for his family and the way he showered us with it (I still need to work on how I express my care for people I love, right now its a very offensive  and possessive one)

e) The strong person he was,  strong as in strong words, strong actions, strong thinking..etc.

 

The admiration you have for such a person is so powerful that it makes you believe in yourself, it works like magic and history does have so many examples that your source of inspiration will make all possible. Such admiration holds respect, belief, conviction and so many hopes. 

 

There are so many other forms and ways of admiring someone/something. Few other favorite examples are ‘admiring Nature’ and ‘admiring how the words of a writer turn into images’.

What/ whom do you admire?

Social for a while, felt good.

I am on facebook, its just that I’m hardly there. But recently I do look it up once in 1-3 days. Why ? just like that, to see what others are upto, if there are any new pictures to look at, I also find some people online like ‘S’, whom its fun to chat with despite the ol’ friendship not being there in reality;   ‘D’, whom after the last disastrous chat,  I did not even say  a hi to, when I saw him online the day before; ‘Sid’, the guy who played my prince when I was sleeping beauty back in 3rd grade. Its fun to get in touch with people when you know that you’re not going to make the effort of calling and updating on each others life. I’m not lazy at socializing and keeping touch, but I’m not a very good at it. So it was somewhat like…can’t thing of any cmparison to make…

So, after the couple of days on updating my status, people did notice that I was alive and replied back, made comments and it was fun! I liked it all, but sometimes I really don’t think I can keep up with all this, mostly because I cannot pretend to have something to say when I don’t and vice verse.  Sometimes I have things in my mind, but I don’t want to reveal them to everyone, I feel vulnerable, like they’ll all look inside me and I’m not sure I’m all good inside. 

But the entire social deal was fun! even if only in a virtual way.

Just for a little reference for y’all, I’m not a freak who eats dinner alone , but I do prefer my separate plate. I talk a  lot but only to some people and for all I don’t know well I keep myself shut. My sis thinks I don’t talk (not literally but like talk talk) and in my defence its mostly coz I have nothing to talk about, the entire day I’m at work and until something major happened there I don’t bring it up at home, but its not like I keep my mouth closed on purpose. I call people I like but then it has to be both sides, if the other person show warmth then I don’t play the social rules.

That’s all for now.

Uplifted spirits on an early Monday morning. :)

Today morning I’m unusually upbeat and charged up. There’s a smile on my face and something so fresh about me. I feel pretty good today and that too amid the strange circumstances that include  

a)today being an early Monday morning,

b)I only got a 5 1/2 hours sleep

 c)which by-the-way was not sound and had images on the reality shows I was watching last night going on and

d)then the prolonged PMS discomfort that was continuing since Sunday evening and making me think over and over again if I should go for the dance class today at all, or should go and not do the exercise and just the routine and pass or should go and do the splits as well.

Btw isn’t PMS supposed to get you all cranky and emotional?

I will try not to take this away from myself but somehow I seem to be at ease and relieved. But some reasons are coming to my mind.

I told y’all about this magazine where I read how blogging could help find the right career for you and then how I was analyzing where I belong (trying at least) and that also had many pages on keeping you away from lay-off in recession times and how to be irreplaceable at your job, and I did read them too and seeing that I had nothing special to do this weekend and I had ignored the weekend chores without any guilt, these thoughts had been swinging in my head. I read the pages again and I realized that discontentment is not what will get me what I want. So I decided (ya ya, roll your eyes and think I’m a silly teenager making hasty decisions, but  I’m so bloody impulsive and mostly that works in a good way) that I’m not gonna do anything half heatedly. I’m going to do what I am and give it my best until the next best thing happens. Why should I feel so exploited when I can feel valued and I’m not exaggerating but I know I’m the best of the lot at work, at least amongst all the people(okay 3 people) reporting to my immediate senior and just last Friday i indirectly got feedback on how good I am at work and how she has only nice things to say about me (I still do not trust her). So yes, why be in misery when only by making a change of perspective I could feel so wanted and important. However in my heart I know that the joy I get from writing a page does not match my entire day at work, but then isn’t being good at something even when you don’t like it so much and t serves a purpose for your family, a positive thing? Do you see the high spirits reflecting the positive vibes. I do! So I’m not carrying the burden of being at the wrong place anymore and instead I will do my best at the task in hand and get credit for it, however I’m not in for spending extra hours here. 😉

Also on a personal front, I was watching ‘Jab We Met’ (people who’re unaware, its a Bollywood movie, watch it if you haven’t. Its a beautiful story! and I totally love the last kissing scene!…oohhh.) and Geet’s character has got me thinking of how she loves herself and takes ownership of her life. I want to bring that quality into myself ‘giving yourself unconditional love and believing you are the best’. I’ve always looked to others to find acceptance, not that I would be on their mercy upfront, but in my heart I’ve always wanted to be the love- by-all one. I have bounded myself to ‘Should and Shouldn’t’ of behavior and being and somewhere I do know that the reason holds a doubt that if I was myself and not following these unsaid codes then will I be accepted. I do have a good and bad inside me, just like everyone else does. So why am I scared to live it openly. I’m going to love myself and be myself, so what if I’m too outspoken and like to talk about the most unusual stuff even if people get awkward, so what if I am bold enough to approach a guy and ask for his number, what if I hang on to crushes and visit their profile again and again. This is me. I love myself. I LOVE MYSELF. There’s always room for improvement but to be in the hiding is not me anymore. I will be myself and love myself and if anyone wants to accept me fine, if not, fine again. I really need to and will ease up, just relax and be myself. Also, I will try not to hurt people and be polite even when I’m angry. I will try.

As for now I’m all smile and happy. Life’s good !

PS: Does this sound like a PMSing post?? 🙂

And did anyone notice I did blog from home this weekend. Anything I admit to and the very opposite happens next. (more on this next post).

Keeping the magic alive.

There’s some part of me that still believes in fairy-tales or something magical at-least. I know it sounds silly and stupid, but I can’t help it.

Its that feeling of joy when you see the end of a lovely romantic movie and how everything and every wrong piece comes together to make the perfect end, which is only in true sense a perfect beginning. 

I have come to realize that idealising something before it comes to your life may sound like nothing will ever make you happy because not everything from your dreams might come true. But then the feeling, of happiness and feeling of when your heart is ready to burst with so much love, that feeling, even if only in my imagination, makes me loose the logical reasoning. 

Whenever something happens, I’m hoping its gong to be part of something big and magical that is in my future and I smile away thinking of how someday I will look back and say that ‘this is why it happened, this was the link that has made my future what it is’. Does every moment in your life have a reason, an intention and a link to something in the future?

I know there’s always a logical and practical answer for everything, but in my moments when I am hoping for nothing but hope and faith and destiny and god, I like to believe that there is some magic in it all. 

I wish I knew what it all was meant to be and how, but then that would take away the moment of perfect beginning with unlimited joy, wouldn’t it? 

I’m waiting for it. 

Even if something as immature as fairy-tales and happy movie endings keep my faith alive in ‘all being for the good’, then I’m happy in it. 

What about you, what keeps you hanging onto some infinite hope?

The first move; guy or gal?

As far as I remember, I have always been the open and speaking your mind person in all my relationships. Also I’ve been the one to take the first step, talk openly, say that I like you, always making the first move. But coming to think of it, I’m doubting if that seems a bit too odd. Do guys like to be the empowered and taking first step ones? I’m fine with being bold and saying what’s on my mind but I’m wondering if that’s ok?

I personally feel that as long as the message gets across there’s no difference if the guy or girl made the move. Of course I wouldn’t say throwing yourself at someone is okay, but I’m just talking of asking someone out, saying you’re cute or asking for their number. I would go with a guy who can handle that his girl is as smart and upfront as he is or even better.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. They should be proud of being with someone who has a free mind and courage to speak it out. And most of the times when a guy approaches you he’s looking for fun but mostly girls only take a step when they are being genuine. Exceptions are always there, but we’re talking generally. And I say, even if we want only fun then who the hell tells us its wrong and when guys do the same its all okay.

Can’t boys handle the fact that someone is interested in them? Do they get scared of our confidence ? Is being bold and upfront scary? Do we have to suppress our freedom to express to serve their male ego? 

 

If you’re wondering where all this came from then:

I was just on line on facebook and my dance instructor there, I chatted with him for a while, I told him that I used to have a crush on him and he replied ‘Ok’. What’s  Ok??? Did he get scared? He didn’t seem to respond much than yes and no after that and I said bye and logged off. I don’t know if I did the right thing, well he’s moved so another city and left my dance academy so I won’t have to face any embarrassing moment, but I really wished he could have been little more expressive there. Even if you’re not interested, if someones using the word *crush* for you, people please be polite there may be some soft feelings attached there. I didn’t expect him to say ‘me too’ or thank me but if you know you’re handsome and cool then be polite if people like you. He was always so humble in classes. Dun know why he didn’t respond well said he was busy. 

Here’s the chat I had with him (some edits done only for being anonymous)

1:16amN

hi D

u thr?

1:18amD

hi

1:19amN

How u doin?

1:20amD

m doin gud

1:21amN

u still in M——?

1:21amD

ya

1:21amN

k

1:21am      

D was tagged in a photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1:21amN

so howz d new dance place?? havin fun?

1:22amD

ya

1:23amN

nice pic btw..

u look diff though

1:23amD

thnx

yaa!

1:23amN

so u neva comin back to D—–?

1:24amD

i mite

1:25amN

u do noe me right?

lol!

1:25amD

ya i thnk

1:26amN

every1 in class missz u

1:26amD

ya .. im miss u guyz too

1:27amN

really!!

1:27amD

ya alot

1:27amN

hey can i tel u a secret…

its not a big deal though..

jus sumthn silly!

1:28amD

ya teme

1:28amN

u gota proise no making fun

promise*

1:29amD

ya

1:29amN

i kina had a crush on u for a litl while

1:29amD

ok …

1:29amN

lol!! even writing *crush* sounds schoolish

1:31amN

so u like M—–?

1:32amD

y aits fun

1:32amN

whr u stayn?

1:33amD

b——

1:33amN

signed ny movies yet??

1:34amD

no yaar jus 1 ad n couple of photo shoots

1:34amN

ooohhh.. wch ad?

its a good start..

1:35amD

its new drink lauchin called t——

by t——–

1:36amN

wil watch 4 it!

sound nice!

1:38amN

btw u belong to D—- right?

1:38amD

ya

1:43amN

i always wanted to ask u how did u decide on taking dance professionally?

i mean its a diff decision right?

1:47amN

u seem busy

1:47amD

lil busy m sry

1:48amN

is dis bad tme 2 chat 4 u

1:48amD

m wrkin rite nw on sumthin ..m really sry vl chat latr

1:48amN

np!ctch up later sumtym….

gdnite! tc

1:51amN

c ya in D then!!

————————————————

I’ll send him a light message after few days.

Does it sound desperate? Should I send it or not?

————————————————————————

Hey there,

Was good talking to you the other day after long time. Hope I didn’t scare you with d crush thingy. Dun worry nothing like that now. Lets catch up when you’re in town. If you want that is.

Cheers!

——————————————————————-

A sweet morning dream.

I had a very sweet dream today, yes, today because I remember it in the morning so I don’t think it was going one since night.

Anyways, so it was short dream, I saw myself at this place where there are books and clothes. Its not a home but a one room hut kind of place and then I look at a painting/picture on the wall that shows this restaurant and a hut in front of it and I tell everyone around that this hut is the hut in the picture. I don’t see who all are there, but I remember my cousin sis being there and obsessing over the clothes (she’s like that in real too).

Then next scene, I’m sitting with this guy and he’s looking and me and then looking down nervously and fumbling when he’s talking and the conversation we have. These might not be exact words that I saw in the dream but they’re pretty much what I remember and the just of the story is the same.

He speaks with a confession type tone: ‘ Listen, I feel like talking to you for hours’

I nod my head slightly and seem to understand what he’s talking about.

With a sigh of relief I tell him ‘I know’

So he says: ‘You too’

And I nod my head in agreement again. And it seemed that was I was into this guy for a long time but never told him and when he confessed I was so glad that it was not a one sided love. ‘Love’ did I say “LOVE”??…ooohhhh!

After that  see us in a car, he’s driving and my sis(not cousin one) is sitting at the front and I’m sitting just behind him and teasing him in a flirty way and my sis is giving us weird looks.

Then we’re inside a restaurant and we’re cuddling and cozying up. Choo chweet.

By the way I didn’t see his face, but I do remember the feelings that ‘he was sooo cute and handsome’ and that ‘we totally looked great together’.

When I woke up I had a smile on my face and then when I remembered the dream I couldn’t stop smiling. I am still smiling.

Only the thought of someone special is making me go la-la imagine what happens when I meet him. I’m feeling happy about this. i know it might be sometime until I meet him but even then the idea is so exciting.

And he was cute and handsome and so loving with me. oohhh!!!!

Blogging and stuff

Lately I haven’t been typing in much and I’m beginning to get the feel that that’s why I’m so worked up. The millions and zillions of thoughts crossing my mind everyday haven’t got an outlet, a way to be out in the open and this is because a) I don’t talk much at home, not about work at least and work is where most of the thinking isdone, intentionally or otherwise & b) I haven’t been blogging.

I recently read two very good reasons to blog in a magazine:

1. Blogging works as Anger Management and this doesn’t mean you are a ‘raising gun-points on people’ type angry person, anger means anything that bother you and makes you feel like bursting, could be a cheating lover, unmanageable kids or even sometimes unfair life in general. So there write whatever is bothering you and feel relaxed. It works to some extent. Proof,  as I am writing this I can feel the creases on my forehead relaxing down.

2. Blogging and help you find your right career. And everyone who’s I’m so in the need to find mine. How? Well, its simple that whenever you’re reading blogs just make a mental note of the Tags/Categories you visit most. For example, if you read mostly about Food and recipe’s then something Kitchen/restaurant related would be your interest; if you’re mostly stuck on stories then some writing/fiction could be your thing. Now please don’t ask me what if the your mostly visited tags are ‘Sex’? Here’s an idea, maybe you could become a sex consultant i.e if such a thing exists. 🙂

So its simple as it sounds, your interest are what you will be drawn towards and all you have to do is acknowledge this interest and find ways to use it productively.

If I put myself in this situation, then I usually like to read the ‘personal’, ‘random’, ‘Life’, ‘thoughts’ and sometimes ‘writing’ tags (not listed in any preference order). I mostly like to read the open bare truths and confessions tye of stuff. So what do you think is my interest??? Random thoughts?? Its not so simple after all huh?

Anyways, getting back to ‘my state of mind’, its not in the best place right now and all the positiveness is being held by just on hook tip (weird sentence right?). If you didn’t get me then, what I meant was I’m trying to hold onto every bit of positive thinking and its getting really difficult.

I have been off from work quite a lot this month, 4 days of leave till now out of which 3 mondays. Its been difficult to accept that this is my life, this work, this office, these polite conversations and this life. I come to work thinking of how to get by the day and after I leave I think it wasn’t so bad after all, but while I’m here I feel stuck, like being in a wrong place and continuing to be there even if you knew it, I feel helpless and angry at the same time. I know this is  not so bad, there are perks and easy work and decent pay, then why can’t I do it without so many thoughts and pathetic feeling? Why can’t I take this just a job? The more I think the worse it gets. And now I don’t even feel like working, if there is something urgent hanging on my neck then I do it but if there is some time to it then I ignore it and get to blogging instead.

I’m feeling much better after writing all that now.

I can’t say this at home to anyone, they don’t understand. Mom will get a panic attack and say all about my responsibilities and then I’ll land up feeling guilty and sis will only listen for a few minutes and tell me about all the perks I get as compared to her. I got no one to talk to except you my dear blog. You’re my best friend! Can you please reply sometime? and give advice also? well, okay get someone who is reading this to reply atleast? Please!

New things in life include, signing up for swimming lessons from next month, me and mom will be going together and we’re all set, except I haven’t bought my swimsuit yet. Ooohh! me in swimsuit! I think will go and find one in decent covering and exposing ratio. God I’ve never worn one, will let you know how I’ll look.

Also, the dance performance will be in June end and practises begin next month. I so hope we get a ‘hot and sexy’ choreography this time.

Today is dance class again and I’m all-set to getting groovy and letting it all out today. What happens at the class is that I get too conscious about what I’m wearing and how I’m looking and I have three tyres and the other girls have perfect figures. And with all this thinking I loose the confidence and my dance shows it. When I practice at home I feel great, I show my moves and give it the best and I see myself and I actually look hot, but at the class its different. I’m going to get my hot self exposed in the class today. I don’t care if I look stupid or where my clothes are going. I will perform today. Full On!

That’s pretty much what’s been happening in the past few days. And hey, that thing ‘that-I-have-started-and-I-am-not-going-to-talk-about-until-its-complete’ is going on. Pray for me! I will.

Cheers!!

*Good type feelings, relaxed feeling have definitely increased from when I started this post.*

Never in the first go.

I like not to think that this is true, but more than every last time some way I land up feeling so.

Everything I want to do/ buy/ change/get, I never get it in the first go. (And I’m getting a feeling I have been cribbing about this before also) .

If I need to buy something, I have had to wait till the next season and its not because I was lazy, when I want to start something there is always something or the other that gets in the way. And in most recent days, we had to shift to a new place, the perfect house with perfect low rent and then boom! they return the advance money as they have some personal stuff they don’t want to rent the place.

All my life I have shared things with my sister, or more like taken and used what she has thrown away. Her clothes, her toys, her books and I’m telling you it’s not a very nice feeling.

And you what why this upsets me so much, because I usually pile up all my hopes and tie them to this one single thing that I ‘m planning on and if that doesn’t go well then it doesn’t turn out true I am crushed.

I want to believe that this time if this goes well then all will be fine and things will take a turn for good, but if this time isn’t the first time then I have hardly any hope left for next time. Isn’t this rhyming?

I tell myself that maybe something better is waiting for me, better than what I hoped for. But wouldn’t it be so great if for once I got what I wanted at the first chance.

It’s hard to not hope for good things and believe in the good that you cannot see. I hope it is for the good. I hope again.

Somewhere else I wrote..

this

Just for the record..

I never blog on weekend. Why? Because I’m at home. So? As, I have mentioned few times now, I can’t get myself to blog even if i want to at home. Its weird I know, but it feels strange like I’m a different person giving away all the secrets of our lives and betraying my family in someway. Okay this came out way to strong. But yes, there is hesitation and maybe part of it because they have always laughed at my different thoughts and ways and I have not been able to take it in the same light spirit that they have.

Maybe I’m scared that if they reject what I am doing I will feel bad. They know I blog, but I would never want them to read most of the confessions part. That’s why I say it here because I can’t say it to them.

Its not like they don’t support me but more than that they make fun of me and I wasn’t born light hearted so it pinches just a little.

So for the record, I don’t blog on weekends, but do visit on weekdays, as mostly I have loads to say when I’m away from home.