Monthly Archives: March 2009

When you’re a rebel at heart..

then things like ‘heart-burning’ usually happen. No seriously, you could see the fumes if you read minds or hearts or something!

I have been a rebel since childhood, a conclusion I’ve come to after years of listing all my childhood stories being of ‘not-listening-to-anyone and being-ill-tempered-and-spoiled-brat’. Come on, for how many years can my parents lie! Forever! Naah..

So coming back to being a rebel. I think I saw the signs /symptoms (people think its a disease, at least my parents do talk like that) when I was in boarding school and I would break as many rules I could within the limit that I wouldn’t be spanked (not literally, but yes hit by a scale on your knuckles..it hurt!). I do remember not doing such breaking-rules stuff on purpose, it came very naturally to me. Mostly I think was because I didn’t understand the logic behind them and I continue not to do anything I don’t understand till date. Dunno if that’s a good or bad thing though?

So ya, that’s when it started and took pace when I moved to home with mom in my i-hate-my-family-and-only-my-friends-will-be-my-family phase. Then I did have lot of issues with my mom and mostly because of boys. Now don’t form opinions here, just read on okay! It was not because I was making out with boys(which I did but quite late) or bunking my school or failing my exams, it was all because I was talking to boys. I was in a girls school and so we didn’t have any he’s-my-classmates excuses, so the question came ‘How do you know these boys?’ which let me tell you were only a handful. 😉 Our usual answer was tuition and that was not acceptable at all. Why are you talking to boys you don’t know? Well, only if I talk to them will I know them. You are getting distracted from your studies. Hello! my marks are good as ever. And I now know that I wasn’t mad to give those back-answers coz they were all right. It is normal for teenage girls to like boys and want to know them and spend time and if possible explore too. But the thing is that I was a very sensible girl (believe me please) and I knew that I would never cross my limits. But my parents wouldn’t trust me as they knew I was the rule breaking one. Now that dosen’t mean I’ll jump off a hill to prove it okay. 

Then came the time when I was in college and I broke many rules there too. But I don’t like to talk about all that. Not that I’m guilty or anything. I just don’t like that part. No comments.

And now I’m working and blah.. blah..blah.. (could’ve been major cribbing, so I saved you here!)  and still I have so many questions that I don’t understand. Why be nice to pretend? Why do I have to look busy when I’m not? Why aren’t people what they actually are?

But with every passing day I see myself giving in to all these illogical things happening around. I don’t question too much and surrender to ‘have-to-do-anyways’ stuff. It makes you feel helpless. You see people around you, in your family, accepting these (weird) ways of life and going on about it and all you can think of is running away as far as you can.  You want to talk to someone who understands your language and why you are saying whatever you are. Phew! And then you realize there’s no place to run to.

I still don’t understand though but somethings have become clear with time:

–sometimes you just have to do stuff, reason or no reason

some questions have no answers, none at all

–when the future seems bleak just concentrate on the present, this really sucks!!

your loved ones make you do things you’ve never even imagined , lying,crying, bitching..all sorta stuff

–the so called RULES around you just don’t make things easy

–being polite is a really nerve wrecking and hard work

all this seems like some philosophical shit, that has never done to anyone.

I’m still breaking rules even when I’m not doing anything, so why worry right? Maybe I could try breaking my own rules and boundaries someday.

PS: I started writing this post with something else in mind and it has totally landed into some other place. 🙂

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contradictions to my reality

There is a lot of contradiction between the way I see things  in-my-head & my reality. The difference is so much that I think its two different people at times. To state a few:

In-my-head–>I thought I would sit in my balcony and enjoy the weather
Reality–> I was in my balcony for only 5 minutes before I rushed in to watch tv

In-my-head–>I think of how great my life will be, I’m all successful, independent, healthy
Reality–> I can’t seem to love my job no matter how hard i try, I can’t seem to be healthy for more than 6months and get off my workout regime

In-my-head–>I would love to go jogging in natural environment rather than in a air-conditioned gym
Reality–>I have been to the park only once ever since I left the gym

In-my-head–> I want to live each day to the fullest. These are my young and best years
Reality–> Throughout the day I think of reaching back home and sleeping and weekends I don’t go anywhere to save money

In-my-head–> I love myself
Reality–>I criticise myself to death

In-my-head–>I’m a good friend
Reality–>I’m bloody and brutally judgemental and honest

In-my-head–>I want so many friends
Reality–>I’ve never had more than 2 friends at a time

In-my-head–>I’m a good person
Reality–> I doubt myself every moment of my existence and actions

In-my-head–>I try not to hurt my loved ones
Reality–> I almost do that everyday

In-my-head–>I want to be independent and still have a loving connection with my family and support them
Reality–>Am more criticising than supportive and want them to do nothing with my decisions.

In-my-head–>I am a sensible and mature person
Reality–>I don’t know what and when to say. I’m not even close to ‘M’ of mature

In-my-head–>I have been working for almost 2 years now and have a decent regular life
Reality–>It feels like I’m trapped and living a life of debts

In-my-head–>I want to fulfill all responsibilities for my family and be selfless
Reality–>I have selfish pangs and then I secretly wish I did not have to carry the burden of my family’s responsibilities and live my life for myself

In-my-head–>I should know and learn more about what I do.
Reality–>I’m a software professional and know shit about technology and have no interest in learning any of it. I would rather spend entire day reading, sketching, dancing, writing.etc.

will keep updating as more of these surface..

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Do only girls/women dream of homes??

I’ve seen this so much that now ‘girls wanting my-type of home’ comes to me as a natural characteristic of being female like PMS or boobs.

I’ve heard my mother, my aunts , my cousin’s talk about in never ending lengths and I think that’s where the bug gets you. I remember mentioning it many times to the guys actually only one guy who I thought I could settle down with (sarcastic laugh at my myself) and planning out details and stuff.

From my mother’s example I think it brings her to think of a region she owns, some place where she’s the boss and can be free to do whatever to do with no one questioning her. I think.

Why are we girls so linked to having or own home? I know all the logical stuff, like you save money you have security for yourself and ahead family and all, but I’ve never heard guys talk about it. They are happy to be just about anywhere they can get a bed, ac and some beer and yes TV too. That’s it!

Are guys more mature and practical this way? Do guys ever dream of having a perfect home with a spa and gym and swimming pool. Do they feel like they should have at least this for themselves?

Boys/ men, any answers???

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Crazy mind going..well, CRAZY; weird stuff happening

I have been avoiding hearing the ‘you’ve put on weight’ comment(mean) but I have heard that from 2 people(apart from my family members) now so I think t might be true.

What happened to ‘the secret’?? I was only thinking of being slim and sexy and not -having-to-do-anything-but-still-stay-slim. Oh? Is that the problem? I was thinking ‘of staying sexy’ and not believing that I already am?? I don’t know.

Please teach me how to think that I have my perfect figure when I cannot fit into anything with ‘S’ size label and sometimes ‘M’ size labels fit but mostly jeans get stuck at mid-thigh and without my saying anything store helpers direct me to 30 and above waist size shelves. Please teach me ! 

Now I don’t want to go to gym. Why? I don’t know, I am again in under-panic-attack state. The thing is I take stuff so seriously, so if I go to gym then I do it almost religiously, like stop drinking, stop junk food(which I love) and stuff. I so need to balance it all out.

What’s with confidence and hair?? Mine was all very pretty and smooth yesterday and I admit I did lot of swooshing & hair flipping type yesterday, but today, just overnight they have gone limp, oily on the top that make me look like I haven’t taken a bath in days (well its just 1 day). Damn! I’m sulking in my seat, hoping to be invisible and time to fly and reach my going-home-time.

I want always good hair, shiny, silky smooth and voluminous and long and easy to style and un-damageable(is that a word?).

Also the ‘you’ve-put-on-weight’ comment isn’t helping.

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Yesterday: Funny incident/ whatever you wanna call it.

We had this end of month birthday celebrations thing at office and I have joined the organising committee so we did a little preparation, like deciding a fun activity (musical chair was decided), pulling music for event, buying gifts for winners (I bought them) and packing gifts and all. It didn’t make me feel like I being here(this office) but it was ok. So we got it all set-up and no one turned up, out of 150 people not a single soul. Feelings like losers, terrible, we should leave and kill everyone starting emerging and then I decided to go and send reminder to people and then I thought why not request some people to join with their teams. So I went up to this guy (team lead i think) and requested, except that I think I sounded like I was threatening him. God!

Feeling funny thinking! Isn’t it funny? I so have to learn social behavior. Lol!

————————————————————————————

Also I want to drink and not put on weight. Is there anything (alcohol ) you know that doesn’t add numbers to your weighing scale or inches t your waist, no matter how much you drink it. Let  me know if you know. Please don’t say water, even that makes me bloted!

I’ve been dying to go out party and have lots of fun, well atleast in my head I think it will be fun, unlike the last few times that I went to place I didn’t want to and sulked. So ya I would want to get drunk and meet some nice guy who says all good stuff and then I hope for nothing having any guilty feeling. Please I hate the guilty feeling, like I’ve cheated on my family by having fun while I still restrict them from some expenditures to save money.

I also had been crying a few days this week. Once it was fight with mom and then there was just this sick-feeling of being selfish and not wanting to live my life like I’m suffering by taking all family responsibility and not having a life of my own. bad feeling! very bad!

I wish my mind would just stop working at all. No really! I think I would be so happy if ws ignorant of what I want and how far I was from it all. I wish I was dumb but atleast happy, its lot better than not-dumb and unhappy. 

Please God listen to me, I want to be HAPPY! Show me any sign, tell me what to do, what tell me, will ya? 

And its strange to ask god for something on blog. I’ve stopped praying. Just don’t feel like. Its not like I don’t believe but am feeling disconnected to godly type feelings.

Also did go for the dance class on last Monday, but they wouldn’t let me join (something I was guessing) cozI had missed 4 classes and the batch was full. So I like and idiot registered for nex 3 months. It seems like a stupid thing to do coz you never know what might come up right, like I might want to do something else or maybe I’ll be moving to another city or better another country..yupeee~ no plans or scope yet though! Its just that I paid and am not doing nothing so..loser and stupid kind feeling are occupying me.

Freeze my mind please! No more useless non-stop thinking anymore please!

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General stuff: health, dance, music..LIFE!

I think I’ve developed a phobia for taking decisions. Really! I’ve been cribbing about it for a while and now I see its been more than a while I’ve been ignoring it.

Health:

Okay I have no clue as to what I want. I have been a regular at the gym for sometime and stopped going after receiving compliments for few weeks about how I was so next to being exactly hot. Ya, my trainer said that.

Anyhow the reason I stopped? I like to say it was the money I was spending on myself, with the dance and then gym well and at that time I thought that 2 days a week for dance was enough workout and rest days I could pick up walking or something. What happened? I ended up missing dance lessons as soon as my cute instructor went away and walks were no where in picture.

So now I’m stuck with no gym, no workout for 2 months almost and I don’t think my trainer at gym will call me ‘next to exactly perfect’ when he sees me.

I can’t decide… I can’t.

I was thinking of joining gym back for 3 days a week and dance rest 2 days but then I read this article on how you get addicted to gym’s and hard workouts and start tearing and bruising your muscles with kms running high on treadmills. And yes that is so true coz I remember that while I was regular at gym and did about 20 min run, 15 min cardio and then 20 min weight training i was in constant pain. My muscles were always sore. Seriously! So I don’t think that was a healthy way however effective it might be.

Dance:

Now I don’t want to prove myself right about how-i-pick-up-something-with -all-enthusiasm-and get-bored-of-it-and-leave-it, but then that shouldn’t be the reason I stick to it also right.

Actually I like the dance, its fun and it pushes you to leave your hesitance and come out and its a different thing that I’m all conscious about I’m-not-wearing-right-dance -clothes and all. But its fun. And the cute instructor did make it all the more interesting.

But now after getting lousy and missing classes in last month, I haven’t renewed this month, well there was some money problem back then and hell I’ve missed 3 classes already, today will be 4th and I can’t decide if I should go and join today or not. I guess I’ll go!

But the new trainer is like very senior dancer, she instructs my cute instructor, so ya very senior. And she truly extracts the fun out of it and makes it grilling. Oh what the hell, yes i;m bitching coz i miss the cute instructor. He was delicious! 😉

Music:

I’m listening to upbeat and lift-up-your-spirit songs these days. But I see that my favourite lists are usually Romantic or Sad songs.

Few sad songs I’ve been listening to :

Fergie–>forgiveness

Carrie Underwood–>Just A Dream

Faith Hill –>There you’ll be

Bon Jovi–> Always

Life:

Hmm, lot of introspection going on and I’ve started something I have been thinking of for a long time but will not tell yet, I’m superstitious that way.

Lot of mad-person kinna thinking going on. And action, none!

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Some old and new memories.

I received a friend request on facebook from an my classmates from my boarding school days. At that time she used to very alone, rude, shrude and not so mingling, but she doesn’t seem like that at all now. She’s all tall with thin long legs and perfect flat abs and actually looks so pretty, which is difficult to believe coz she was never amongst the-talked-about people, but now what a change!She looked so pretty and in control. I remember there was some tragedy that happened and she lost her father or mother and that year she left school. I saw her albums and she was surrounded by friends and I have to say again looked so perfect, tall and perfect figure. I’ll admit I’m a little jealous. 

I was so talked about in school. I was the very-cute one. Everyone adored me, coz i was actualy cute, full and red cheeks . But I never responded well to all the appreciation. I was an ill-tempered kid, abad habit I lost only after I  lost my dad and I knew there was no one to take care of me now and support me no matter what.

How come I don’t have that anymore? Why dosen’t anyone talk about how lovely I am anymore. How come I don’t have the perfect flat stomach and long legs?

Is it true that you can get appreciation only in one phase of your life that is either childhood,  youth or old age?  

Wonder when did I get so insecure about looks and my body? I lost some confidence in being myself, but don’t know when. I’d like to get that back and this time around I’m sure I’ll appreciate the compliments from others and myself!

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Beautiful weather; thoughts!

I already sensed its going to be great weather today early morning while coming to office, I don’t know how, do you think I should go for weather reporter job now? Kidn!

But really I don’t know why and how but while in the cab today I thought to myself ‘its going to very pleasant weather today’ and it is!

So how do i feel ? Hmmmm… Okay I guess!

Much better than yesterday, which reminds me of my findings yesterday (god! I sound soo-geeky!)

Yesterday:

I went back home and was soo feeling good and peaceful. Then I opened my X’s profile and checked what exactly has he put in there about me and here’s what all there was:

1. In his personal details, for the question ‘You can’t live without : Gulfrnd <mynickname>!’ I felt like I was capable of committing murder at that point. *major abusing in my head right now as I’m in office and cannot mouth them*

2. 2 pictures of me in his profile. 1st in a group with his of-no-use-friends and 2nd of me and him sitting on his bike and peeping over a friends shoulder to get into the picture frame and on this one there are comments from people like ‘puraane dost ‘(ol’ friends) and ‘pyaar aur dost khabhi nahi bhulte (you cannot forget friends and love). *major abusing again* Who the hell gives him the right to use my pictures and gain sympathy or anything at all. Asshole! There should be a law against this you know, ‘You cannot use any thing that belongs to your X, pictures, letters, refrences, friends, nothing’ .

Now tell me isn’t this being weird? I still don’ know how will I get the message across to him to remove any references to me and don’t if I should bother at all or not, but its making me furious as hell! Why don’t people just get lost when someone wants nothing to do with them.

Today:

Lets leave the abusing alone and come back to cool, drizzling and sweet chill weather.

Actually it si so true that generally people’s mood is affected by the weather. 

Exceptions:

1. Weather like today and you just had a break-up.

2. Hot, too sunny, t-shirt wet with sweat and you got a promotion, won something or any major happy event.

3. Going for picnic and you got your period.

ah, there can be many..so lets leave them there.

How I feel:

Good! kind of nice. Still major confusion in my head about ‘what am i doing in my life’ ; ‘how will everything change? finances i mean’ and ‘if i should go for dance class or gym?’. but still I’m doing okay.

I feel like going to Barista and hanging out with friends and all but then they would have to be imaginary friends coz i don’t have any real ones and then I would again worry about the money i’m recklessly spending and not caring enough about my family and saving for them. God! I’m so overflowing with GUILT everytime I do something for myself. I know this is not right. But then lets not spoil the good mood! 🙂

Okay also I feel like being artistic and doing something creative. Just got myself a purple pen from the stationary shop downstairs, just felt like. I think i’ll it to write my novel. 🙂

I also feel like being pretty and all. you know with my hair clean and having great clothes and stuff. Not even going why I can’t do that.

Another thing, my hair, i think there’s major thinning happening. I’m guessing its stress and god knows I’ve been stressing out to death for quite sometime now. Also I have dandruff, that was supposed to leave me with winters but has decided to stay back for an extended holiday. Crap! And my scalp gets oily so fast, like the very next day to when I wash and I’m mostly spotted in office like I haven’t taken bath in weeks.  Any remedies please?Please!

I was just thinking of how I’m not addicted to anything. I tried

Cigarettes – they don’t do anything for me. tried for a year and although Is till like the cool factor it has but then can;t make myself do something that gives me nothing and takes away my health and blah blah

Alcohol – It makes me put on weight and if that then definitely has a psychological effect on me that ways. And apart from that I’m can’t. I have been heavily drunk and puked and not remembering what I’m doing but the next day the killer-hangover-headaches and all ‘guilty’ feelings never made me take it up. After all an addiction should make you feel out-of-this-world and that doesn’t include feeling so guilty that you want to kill yourself.

Dope- Nah! I can’t. Just can’t!

I think the only thing I’m addicted to right now is ‘Worrying’.

Atleastthe weather is good ! See the things I depend on for optimism.

Btw still haven’t understood how to use ‘The Secret’. I so need to know that. Teach me universe ! Wil ya?

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