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Forbiden Fruits

There is a attractive thing about the things are forbiden for you, whosoever it may be forbiden by, family, religion, society or even plain and simple conscious. They seem so ….. exciting and thrilling and I dont mean it in any cheap way, but just the feel of doing what you should not does have a very appealing and attractiveness to it.

Why I’m saying this is beacuse I have been there and felt it. Even sometimes the stupidest of things so exciting just because I know it is forbiden or in simple words not readily acceptable by people around me.

I have always been a rebel, ever since I remember, always, and I can’t help but wonder, is this only how I feel because I have this rebelious streak in me? Or are these things just as attractive to the obidient and disciplined ones?

I’m not saying we should give in to this but a little bit is no harm right? Of course you have to be in the right mindset to understand where the thrill ends and addiction begins.

I always thought that it is all really simple, you either

– want something or you don’t

– want to do a job or don’t

-like someone or don’t

-want to be with someone or don’t

-know when you’re just having fun or getting addicted

But overtime and the years (mostly the last 4 years) I have learn’t that it isn’t all that simple.  Sometimes life dosen’t come in black or white, there are many shades of gray and each blurs the border around the other. You are around someone and you feel like this may be something, but there is this hesitation and this doubt, you know its better this way but still you can’t help but think what if there was something how would it be?

How do you know when its your conscious giving you hints and when its just yourself trying to make something of nothing?

We’ve been friends and I know him and I know he cares a lot. I was never attracted towards him and now when we’re together there is something. I was always conscious about how I looked when he was around and I dodn’t think that meant anything, but now I’m begining to rethink, did it? If I think of us together I feel repelled and there is this uncomfortable feeling. Maybe its just the physicality of us being together for so long and now parting away that is making me feel like this.

I have one of the best friendships and I cherish it a lot. So why these thoughts and why this strange something. Maybe it just that we are going to be so far away and its this feeling of missing a friend that is confusing me up.

But I know this for sure… I don’t want to act upon these unsure thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to spoil anything. I will let time decide if this means anything. For now.. its just the way things were.

 

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Is it just people I know or everyone?

Since I don’t have much to do these days, I was going through profiles of people from my school / college, people who are NOT on my friends list, but whom I know. A lot, and I mean a lot of them were transformed into pretty little good figured females. How??? A few of them were well.. a lot heavier and much elder looking and now they look fab and thin and fab and thin..

Not that I’m not happy for them, but really how?? A few girls from my school who used to be fat fat and now they look like stick thin and well kept like they have always been that way. They are stylish and no one could ever say they could’ve been different before.

A few girls from my college were also really fat and looked like mother of 2-3 children, and now they had the perfect curves as looked so nice.

So I was wondering.. is it just people I knew or is everyone getting thin and fabulous???

I have taken to it (this event) as a inspiration and have kept some goals for myself. If they could do it then i bloody well can too. I mean I have wanted to change since a lot of years and now that they have done it, I want to get over with it too. Not to show them, but for myself, for my fitter and healthier life, for my feeling good and loving what I see in the mirror, for a regret free area in my life.

I will !

 

 

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Same mistakes again…

Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.

 

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

 

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

 

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

 

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

 

What do I do?

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Happy and Sad

Thanks to The Boss! I’ve been having small talk on chat with him and he’s usually not much responsive, that fact I am avoiding and going ahead with being friendly. Its funny how I’m so comfortable on the chat and talk my heart out, in controlled way, but when he’s infront of me I can hardly say a word.

So another occasion of having him face to face had come. There was a guy leaving our team and we wanted a farewell party for him, he suggested we call The Boss also, coz The Boss had helped him a lot and he wanted to thank him. He’s helpful also..ooohhh. Anyways so because I arrange most of the farewell parties so this was also given to me. Now all the arrangements were made and I was asked him what he wanted to eat, coz he dosen’t eat pizza and all, I asked if fruits and juice would be ok, he said yes, ofcourse this was all on chat.

I dressed well, arranged the lunch and ran around to get things in place and then he came. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, there are only few excuses where you get to admire him openly and I was taking full advantage of it. I was not eating anything and team people starting teasing me as to why I’m not eating anything and someone said ‘Are you dieting?’ and other said ‘How do you control yourself?’, I was blushing and going red in the face and looking down and then I politely replied ‘I don’t like pizzas’ and then looked at The Boss, he was enjoying the jokes too and smiling and looking down. So cute. I could have stared away forever. God I am so infatuated with him. 🙂 Anyways so he wasn’t talking much, except about his athlete stuff and all and then people started performing jokes and all, it was much funny. He was laughing and all. I loved to see him enjoy. I only exchanged 1 sentence directly with him. Only 1. Where he said that some team of his made him race go carting with them and he won, I said ‘it could be been intentional you know’ and he looked at me and said ‘ yes it could be intentional’.

He left after sometime and then later the team sat for few more minutes and talked and then we came back to our seats. I hadn’t had lunch so I went for lunch and saw that he was there too, eating lunch.  I think he smiled.

Afterwards the team sent few mails about how the appreciated my efforts and the party was good, keeping The Boss in loop.

 

Later in the evening I was waiting for him to be alone in his cabin, I crossed it a few times and looked, so I could chat with him. When I saw he was free I said hi and then we chatted a little, this time he was a little more responsive and not just yes or no, then after 8-9 messages he was back to yes /no. I asked if he didn’t speak much and only in mono syllabus and he said yes. I asked him if any one had commented on his glasses, he wears quite big framed bold rim glasses and   he said no and he assumed it looks funny, I told him he looks really good in them and he said sure, like sarcastically and i said i’m not kidding they do look good on u, he said thanks and then I asked if he belongs to this city he said yes and then I asked if he lives with family, then no response, after 15 minutes I said im guessing no, no response again, and few minutes after he says have a good weekend, that means bye end of our conversation. I said bye and take care and thought he would be leaving soon too. Then I had to get up from my desk and get some prints and get ready to go, when I came back I saw someone sitting in his cabin, I didn’t directly cross his cabin but there is a meeting room in front of his cabin , i went into the meeting room and bent down to see who was sitting with him, OMG, there was a girl there, the one my friend had told me about, who often stays back after work and chats with him a lot. My heart broke into pieces. It was so sad. I was so happy that we had started talking and I gave him a compliment and all and now he said bye to me and is spending time with this girl. She’s not even pretty you know, only stick thin and flat.

Why would he do that to me?

 

Okay they may be friends but still when another girl is showing interest in you, you don’t say bye to her and talk to your other female friend.

I think he dosen’t like me at all. 😦

This is not good. I have to find someone else to focus my thoughts to, I can’t be so dependent on him to make me happy or sad, after all what do I know about him, nothing!

 

So after office me and N had to go for movie and dinner. That was fun and we went and talked a lot. N keeps saying these things that seem like hints that he likes me or would like to like me or something, but I’m not comfortable with that idea, I mean of course physical stuff is a tempting thought, but with N, he knows me too much and I don’t think it will ever happen or I want it to ever happen for real. But in the moment of things you know, sometimes these images do come in your hea. Like he mentioned if I would like to his room, I said yes, because its been a long time since I saw a bachelor pad and then it was N’s place and he keeps explaining it, so it would be nice to see it, but then he said its too untidy and messy today, so maybe some other day and at that moment this image of him and me  in his room and me looking around and he comes behind me and I turn to see him too close to me and we kiss, god this image came to me, I shook it off, maybe that was the effect of the romantic movies I see so much. And then when we were in the car and he was driving and I handed him something and I touched his palms for a fraction of second, I did feel that jitter in my body, you know, not the friendly one, it was like jitter that goes up your body. Anyways I ignored it and kept looking into the phone.

I cam home with mixed thoughts in my head and those reasons I dreamt of him and me and I kept shaking it off and kept trying to keep The Boss and dream of him instead.

Tuff dreaming too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Need to please..

Whenever a romantic endevear comes in the farthest proximity to me, I have this tendency to try and please the other person. Its something I hadn’t even noticed before, but once when we were out clubbing and I saw this cute guy that I liked and my sister made a joke that now I would start dancing more aggresively. I was like ‘what does that mean?’ and she was right I did notice my patterns thereafter, I did do things that I would not normaly do.

Its ok to try to put your best but when that is once you’re getting to know the person or at least in contact with them right, not when you don’t know them, their name and are total strangers.

I behave differently I know. I would try to get their attention and its not my normal self. Maybe in my subconcious I feel that my normal self isn’t good enough to get attention and that’s why I try to show what all good stuff I have, dance / singh/ good choice of songs on my phone.

”good choice of songs on my phone’This is so stupid.I know. But I just did this today until I realised and stopped. Well there is this guy in my office, he seems younger to me and he’s cute, but I hadn’t thought much of him until today I saw him looking at me. He sits one bay behind mine and so when I sat up for going  for breakfast i saw him looking at me, not staring but just looking, then again I saw him look at me a few times. I know whenever I write about any guy it turns to be nothing, but that’s not the point, the point is after lunch I sat on my seat and started playing songs on my phone (since I cant find my earphones since 2 days) and then I started singing along too, not loud music and loud voice, but little loud that I thought could reach his ears and then just my lips moving with the song and my head turned to side, so anyone behind me can see me singing the words of that good song. hahaaa.. i cant believe when my mind did all this processing, but it definitely wasso natural to me. god! How low on confidence am I? am this is at the slightest hint of Nothing! he just looked at me! and I don’t even like him!

But still this urge to please was there and I only realised now.

I dont like to admit this.  I don’t think this is a good thing about me. why do i do this? and so naturally and yet so not me.

And there is this other guy in my office too, he’s my boss’s boss (i hate that word ‘boss’, but helps describing stuff here so). He’s handsome and tall and im actually attracted to him, but seriously i can’t even look him in the eyes and once when he came in front of me I couldn’t even say ‘hi’, not that he knows me or anything, but I was so tongue tied and its a silly school girl crush, only that Im not in school and he’s not my teacher. 🙂 Its fun to watch him from distance and …just that .. watch and see and get little dreamy eyed. 🙂

I guess when I find the right guy i wouldn’t feel the need to please, or will that never happen? I wonder!

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Am I making my life??

I used to be the No-Fear-girl, I used to be the Got-guts, I used to be the I-Know-I’m-Not-Wrong girl, I used to be the I-Know-What-I want-girl.

I used to be..

But now and for a very long time, I haven’t see that girl. She’s lost, she’s gone, maybe she’s waiting for me to call her, maybe she’s not there anymore.

 

I see life around, of other people and I see them living, being, doing what they want, they have a reason, they have a reason they have chosen. Me, I just feel so lost, i don’t know anymore what I want, my guts have run out and I have lost courage to seek inside my heart and be anything different than what currently is.

 

I know, its not fair to compare you life to others, but I’m not talking of circumstances they have, I’m talking about how they react to these situations, the decisions they make, the life they make for themselves.

 

And then I look at myself and I know that I am not making my life. I’m letting the situations drive me, I’m letting the dissatisfaction seep in, I’m just being there and not doing anything, everything is driving up to me, and I feel like as dead as a tree, standing still, where these creepers are running over me, covering each part of my existence until this dead tree becomes a bush of creepers. Losing its existence and identity.

 

How did I get here? When did I loose the faith in myself, when did I stop taking chances on my guts, when did the love for others killed the love for myself.

 

Its not a new situation that I’m in, many have been here before and they have lived through it, so how come I don’t believe I can too. What am I scared of?

Bills rising up, debts getting higher, needs getting bigger, my faith turning to nill, the fear killing me in, my shoulders losing the bones, the burden and guilt all along. Its not living a life, its not, not for me. I need to find myself again, find the girl I used to be, I’m doing all that I can for others, but if I loose myself today it’ll be forever i know.

 

I need to be in control. To be what I am. To know what I want. To have the guts to find what I want. Listen to myself. Listen to the soul. Finding that lost soul.

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Lost a friend..

I have lost a friend today, forever. She was the nicest and sweetest girl I knew, she was so lovely to be around, jolly nature, easy going, enjoyinhg life, no tensions.

We met when I started my first job , in first year college holidays, she had come from Dehradoon and it was her first job too. We clicked the very first day, we were both looking for a place to stay and so decided to find a PG accommodation together. We found 1 and then were roomies for next 8 months. We knew each other in and out, after all staying together makes you very transparent. She was such a sweet and pretty girl. I will always be fond of her. Even my mom used to like her a lot.

 

I used to get into trouble a lot, when I used to get my then boyfriend up to the room, which was not allowed, but she never said a word, she never got angry with me, she just cooperated.

 

Then me and my college friends decided to take a flat together, and I asked her to join us, but she didn’t, I was a little upset but I understood her soon enough and knew why she didn’t want to live with us. She was a office person, we were college people, she worked at night, we in day, she would be lonely there.

 

I parted from the PG and she moved to another PG where there were many girls and she felt less alone.

 

Soon she got engaged and even though she didn’t like the guy, her family made her emotional and do it. She had 2 years of gap in the wedding and her mom told her that if she found someone better she could call off the engagement.

 

She changed her job and then found someone. We were less in touch. She was dating even though she was engaged. Before her wedding we met, she said she didn’t want to get married and she wanted to run away. I don’t remember what advice I gave her. She told me that the guy she was dating was not ready for marriage and he had elder sisters to get married off first.  She went ahead with her wedding. I went to Dehradoon to attend the wedding. She looked like a perfect pretty doll in baby pink lehnga.

 

After her wedding she and her husband moved into a flat in Delhi. I went to meet her. She was not happy. She said she didn’t have any connection with him. She said they both sat in the same room and had nothing to talk about. She didn’t even know his salary. Her husband would take every matter to his family and their relationship was too much interfered into by both their families. She was not happy.

 

Later we met and she told me she was pregnant. She wanted to get abortion and asked me if I could accompany her. Her husband was away at army duty and she was alone here. I went to her support. She told me her husband wouldn’t believe that it is his baby and would tell everyone that she was having an affair..Today Now I’m not sure what she told me was the truth, but I will like to believe it was.  She got abortion and went back to married life.

 

I met her again and she said she wasn’t happy at all. I’m not sure how many times I met her and she kept saying this only.

 

Finally after sometime, she said things were better. Her husband was trying and they started to spend time together. He had moved to Delhi permanently and she would cook for him before leaving for office and they went for movies. She said it was getting better. I was relieved. She deserved all the happiness in the world.

 

After sometime when I spoke to her, she told me that she was getting a divorce. Her mother had agreed to it. She said it was mutual. They filed for it and in next 6 months it was done.

I met her again and she seemed relieved. I told her that now she’s free she will get a great guy who will always keep her happy. She deserved the best.

She was living alone now and working.  Her mom and grandma would keep coming to stay with her. I asked her to come to my place many times, it never happened.

Then we kept talking in gaps and she would sometimes  be in Dehradoona and then back in Delhi.

 

She changed her job. She moved her place. And then we lost touch. I kept calling her and sometimes she didn’t pick, sometimes unreachable. I should have tried harder to be in touch with her. I should have made more efforts.

 

It’s been 2-3 months since we last spoke and yesterday I got a message from her ex-husband saying she had committed suicide. I couldn’t believe it. He was a jerk. He’s lying. I called him and said he shouldn’t lie about things like this. There was no pain in his voice. It was a lie.

My family and I went for a movie last night and enjoyed it. When we came back the only thing I was saying inside was, it couldn’t be, she can’t do that. No its not possible. I couldn’t sleep with lights off. I turned them on and then dozed off at 4am. I woke up with the same thoughts. My mother kept telling me call someone and confirm.

Whom? I didn’t have her home number? No common friends number? I didn’t know where she lived. I called her ex-husband and told him I didn’t believe him and asked for her home number, he gave me the number, I called and her Grandpa picked and said the same things. He said her brother was in Delhi to identify and take the body and now he was returning with the body to Dehradoon.

I couldn’t speak.

I cried.

I still didn’t want to believe it. It was all a lie. it can’t be. I opened facebook, looked at all her friends list, trying to find someone who’s number was listed to be seen. I found one number. I called this guy and asked if he had her number, he said no, he asked what this was about, I told him and started crying, I told him  I don’t believe it and want to talk to someone who was in regular touch with her. He said he would help me find. He found nothing.

 

He also told me that last time he spoke to her, she was living with her Boyfriend, the same one that was before marraige. He said after her divorce she was back with him.

I was shocked. She never told me all this. She never mentioned being back with him.

Did she think I would not support her. Was I not a trust worthy friend. Did she think I would judge her.

 

After all ways of ignorance I tried to find out. I couldn’t speak. I asked mom to talk to the ex-husband. She did. It was all true. He said the boyfriend was the reason she took divorce and now the reason she took her life. She left a note saying that the boyfriend had ditched her for another girl and she hanged herself. The landlady saw her hanging and called her family in dehradoon. Soon the husband started getting calls and then he forwarded the message around.

 

I cried. I’m in shock. I can’t believe it.  Is she gone. Could I have helped?Why didn’t she share with me?

I don’t know how to be with this. She gave her life by her own hands. The girl whom I found the sweetest in the world, something had troubled her so much, someone had done her so wrong.

How could she? I don’t want to believe it. I can’t imagine it.

She was so polite and I’ve hardly ever seen her get angry. Such a big step? Where did she get the strength from? Why Bhawna? Why didn’t you call me and share you problem? Why didn’t you gather some courage and face it all.

Please Bhawna, let all this be a bad dream I wake up from. God please. She deserves a happy and long life. Please bring her back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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