Category Archives: work

Closure!!!

Never mind how things started out, I feel it is really important that they end in a proper manner. And I am not at all good at this. I have left friendships turn sour to rock cold and also relationships to complete ignore and run away situations. But Closure does feel good.

I were my last  few days in the office and I had been literally running after The Boss to give me sometime to talk to him, he did give me time but like his true self he opened the conversation on a topic he assumed I had come to talk about i.e career and then carried on with his preaching (which are quite interesting and I like to hear and not interfere as I feel like I’m getting to know a little part of him a little better) and then he very conveniently closes the conversation also, without even asking if the other person has anything more to add. 🙂

 

I knew I could leave without letting him know how  I felt and telling him to his face was out of question because I am always so tongue tied in front of him. A night before my last day in office, I sat down and wrote him a letter, yeah very old fashioned I know, but this letter was not an instant pouring of emotions. I had been writing these notes in my phone and saving them. I would write them during my morning meetings in office , which I was hardly interested in because I knew I was leaving, I would write them on the way back home in cab, when I was staying late in office hoping to meet him. Finally a four page letter was written and I kept it on my bed to collect in the morning. When I left in the morning I forgot it at home, of course typical me. For a moment I thought God did not want me to give him those letters, but then I decided otherwise.

I went to the office, waited for him to come and then I pinged him saying I needed his 5 minutes, I needed to give him something, he asked what I told him something I wrote and he asked if it was the career thing he had told me about, I told him he will know when he reads it but he has to promise not to open it until after office , after I leave. He promised. He said I could come now but I wasn’t ready with the letter which I had to rewrite again.

 

I took some blank sheets and popped into an empty meeting room and then got down to it. The 4 sheets came pretty close to the original ones. I folded into an envelope and went to meet him.

 

The 5 minutes went onto 30 minutes. He talked about so many things, his life, what he’s trying to do, what he thinks of his past life, its all too complicated to write here but someway i could understand him. He also mentioned that earlier in our conversations he had mentioned some of the topic he took today, because they were meant to be talked about only when the person in front of him was understanding him and what he was saying. So he admitted that he felt I was understanding him thoughts and stuff he said.

 

After the conversation I was doubtful if I should hand him the letter or not, but keeping the fear away i gave them to him and said my final bye and shook hands (i initiated).

 

after reaching home it was almost 2 hours after work, I didn’t feel like going to gym and just sat in the quilt. I messaged him if he had read it yet. After about 15minutes I got his call. I jumped from the bed. The first thing he asked was if I was officially out of the organisation (client) I said yes now I am not professionally linked to them anyways, then he said he was relieved that he can talk to me like a friend. He said he appreciated everything and he had a laugh over how I was keeping an eye on him, he expressed that I should think of writing something, he said it made him feel good that such pure feelings still exist and he also said that I should not keep myself from moving ahead and be happy.

He was so friendly, a completely different tone than what I have heard earlier.

I asked him to keep the sheets with him as I will take them back from him someday.

It felt good. He called. He could have ignored. This swept away all the feelings of being ignored and hurt that I would feel everytime he didn’t respond to me. It was closure to me.

And also he said he would help and guide and mentor if I wanted his help.

 

I was so happy!! It felt like the perfect end to a perfect crush. 🙂

 

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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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Funny feelings

Things are getting really funny now. Funny in the smiley & gigly way and not actually comic way.

I had stupidly shown my likeness for The Boss openely in front of the team, but obviously that was in the initial days, just fun stuff. I never knew that this will grow on me so much that it actually makes me blush when everyone now teases me with his name.

We had a team meeting today with The Boss and I wanted to look good, so I dressed into this new top, white and flary and it made me look good and everyone was teasing me that I was dressed well coz we had the meeting and I told them that I’m over him but they went on and on about it.

 

The meeting was just after lunch and I kept getting so impatient when everyone was eating so slow, obviously I had to do a touch up before I met him and then they started teasing that I was running to see him.

Now Im getting little worried that I want this noise to die out before it reaches The Boss. It would be so embarassing if he heard that I have been openly airing my liking for him to everyone, he would think of me as what, idiot or a silly girl. Oh no! But how do I get this teasing stopped? Its getting me nervous.

Apart from that I’m really enjoying this phase rite now. Listing to romantic songs and thinking of him and catching glimpses of him and blushing. This is all way too much fun to end. Seriously I would love to feel this excited for a long time. Maybe as long as I’m here at this client site i.e as long as I am around The Boss.

However it would be great to get some response from him too, maybe he has noticed me and like something too. Well i’m sure he knows who I am, coz I did put my foot in my mouth and start communication on the office chat and he responded but quite limited. But he did respond and that too when I asked some less office stuff. I was in such jitters when i typed and waited for his response. I was like ‘Oh shit! what did I do!’ over and over again. But it was so thrilling, total adreline rush I tell you.  Then again I did the same towards the end of the day, but after the weekend and my one day off since last chat conversation, a simple hi and how are you, both were well responded and then I asked how was the weekend and then there was silence. I kept waiting and nothing. And then I saw him leave office.  It made me sad and I felt like an idiot. ofcourse I’m excited but to him this must be all new and so unfamiliar, some girl in his team chating him up and being so friendly. Maybe it would have made him doubt his authority in office too, you know that am I linent that people just come and tell me whatever they want. I got over it completely giving him the benefit of doubt and suddeness of all this. I came into office today all dressed well and opened my system to find his response there, he had answered but due to some system delay I wasn’t able to see the resonse then. oh my god! he did respond. i was so exited. I have been looking at that chat conversation day all day, from time to time i.e.making sure no one around me sees it. He did reply! he didn’t ignore me! I love him! okay that was out of nowhere. I love him for not ignoring me.

 

Even though I am enjoying being the crazy silly girl drooling over The Boss, yet I think what I would do to make him realize how much I like him. Btw how much do I like him? I really don’t know, coz I can’t seem to see beyond this funny and exciting feeling.

I am a go all the way person you know. I had the idea to leave hims me gift in his cabin, since he comes little late. I got this idea from ‘Mahi Way’ ofcourse, not that I am fat as Mahi but yeah as silly as her for sure. I was thinking of leaving a small bicycle shaped eraser, coz cycling is his hobby. Stupid? I know. He’s a 32 yr old man, what is a bicycle shaped eraser to him? Well it sounds so sweet to me. But maybe that would have worked if he didn’t know who was the silly girl who has a crush on him, but I guess  now he would  know.

Once before I started converstaion with him i had thought of getting a new mobile sim and then text him being a stranger and get talking to him and later reveal that who I was, but now that also seems not doable. And it did feel way too stalky and freaky too.

 

I’m enjoying this a lot, this whole funny feeling in your stomach when he passes you by or you turn around to see him there or just see him from a distance. Its amazing. I’m not sure I will want to do anything much about it for sometime, apart from the chat conversations once in every 2-3 days.

I love this feeling though. Really love it.

 

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Song..by me

After  almost half day, I got the first glimpse of my office crush today. Im not madly in love with him, but a glimpse of him just makes my day. you know how i love to have crushes right! 🙂

and well instantly my hands moved on the keyboard and this song came up..i even have the tune for it, maybe will record it on guitar too 🙂

I’m standing there at a distance watching u
talking to someone but i see only you
I begin to wonder what it would be like
to be the one that you’re talking to

when you infornt of me
i just cant look up
and when you talk to me
i feel my tongue tied up
something about u makes me so nervous
im just a little bit..just a little bit
in love ..yeah ..i think ..its love
staring glances of you is how i pass my hours
i cant focus on work until is see you once
wondering all the time, what do u think of me
wondering and a little more wondering
when you infornt of me
i just cant look up
and when you talk to me
i feel my tongue tied up
something about u makes me so nervous
im just a little bit..just a little bit
in love ..yeah ..i think ..its love
When you walked up to, my whole face lit up
i didnt even know u knew who i was
until you said that you think i look pretty
and would it be okay if we could get some coffee

I just froze right there
had to pinch myself
to see reality and not wonder thoughts
you were there with me
right in front of me
and i kept smiling at you
coz i knew maybe …you were
just  a little bit..jus a little bit
in love ..yeah…in love with me

And just after I finsihed writing this, he came to the open meeting desks right ahead of my seat and sat there for 10 mins, i just couldn’t stop looking at him 🙂 coincidence or a sign??

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At the Waiting end..& more

Reflecting back on the year passed, it seems like is true that I have been on the Waiting End all through the year.

When I joined this company (with a salary hike) and got into this project, I was eagerly waiting for a good mid-year rating, which I did get, and then I waited for the Final year rating, which was OK because the hike was not so good with it, then I came to be waiting for my experience to complete a mark where I was eligible for Promotion, that happened, and then I waited for the management to get my Promotion Initiated (I had to literally run after them for 2 weeks, day and night), that was done, and then I waited for the process to be completed, now that is done and now I’m waiting for the Company Quarterly results to be out coz I will get the promotion letter thena nd will be able to see how much hike I have got, hopefully by end of this week / early next week, and then finally I will wait till the end of month to get the hike salary into my account. 🙂

Lots of waiting right!

Well, you may say that this was achievements or goals you achieved, but NO, it was all waiting. I have been waiting for each of these events like a watch dog, waiting for that evil cat sitting across the street to come near me, so I can get hold of it, except that the leash wont let me move around and so I sit and wait. Wow, I really feel leashed right now too. Maybe because I don’t enjoy what I do anymore. I enjoy everything else but not this.

Anyhow, so I had a meeting with my client manager today and I told him clearly that I want to go and that there is a replacement that I have in mind and she will be available by end of month, so if he wants to get her then he should act fast. He was not to supportive of the idea but still I have put a point in his empty head and I will keep asking him every week about it. God please, end of this month, let me go from here and withtin next month let me get a good onsite project so by next year I am out of Inida and there is no more leashed waiting.

Apart from all this, I’m in a good mood these days. The onbring of winter has this effect on me, the slight chill early mornings and late evenings, the feel good air and soon enough I’ll get my jackets out and run on the treadmill loving the warmth in my body.

 

Also a few more self care do’s have been put into practice, I cut some amla yesterday and will be eating 1 piece each day and also washed hair with amla-reetha-shikakai. Also, coming week , soups will become my supper and bring me all the glow and health I want. 🙂

At the friends end, well i’m not too happy with the current state but then I’m not complaining either. Hopefully, I will make the effort to meet few people often and go out a little more.

Love  – well love has not come around yet and I’m not waiting either, I’ve got a hundred things to work on myself, so i’ll let this rest for a while. 🙂

 

Cheers!!

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Should I fight harder?

I’m stuck in a situation and what am I doing about it, well nothing much. I somehow feel that I am not fighting harder and pushing it further, but somewhere along the line, I don’t feel ready for what comes next too.

Well, i’ve been wokring on this project for 1year and 4 months, while I had committed to only 1 year. Now the thing is that the client manager here is getting on my nerves and I cant stand him, plus he’s a moron and a jerk whom I can abuse just about any minute. I really want to get out of here and get a good onsite project, live abroad a few years and earn more money, settle my family, buy a house and all. But that all happens only if I’m released fromt his project.

Today I had a word with my organisation manager and told him I want release, he said they can’t move people around here right now and I wil have to wait till December, DECEMBER..that is like 3 months. Oh God!! I just can’t see myself waiting here for 3 months, in this stupid project with that idiot of a person. He will suck my blood and I will definitely murder him.

I really don’t know what will happen, but I am considering resigning and finding a new job. Maybe I’m not meant for this kind of slow and dragy system. But since I’ve heard December I have a frown on my face and tension written all over it.

There is a tricky side to this too, I don’t know if I’m ready to go onsite yet and live by myself and all that I want. You know, be alone and responsible, take care of taxes and earnings and other currency salary and stuff. Maybe I’m just getting nervous thinking about it, everybody gets ready once they have the chance right? But I’m not in the ‘I’m ready and waiting mode’ yet.

I seriously don’t know where this all is going. For now, I can only focus on my promotion which is due next month and the salary hike that comes with it. God! Please make the hike a huge sum, so atleast I can live these 3 months (i.e if i do) in some satisfaction by earning more.

 

Also, Im thinking if I do have to be here for 3 months more, then it will give me time to get in shape, loose those extra kgs that I am meaning to and finish my weight goal, before I venture out to a new country. It feels like just consoling myself.

And as I finish this post, I’m seriously considering applying for new job.

 

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I have a New Crush..after ages

Something that makes everything exciting is HOPE. Some silly hopes, images in your head, some compliments you wish some one said to you, the ways it would all fall into place feeling.

A Crush is something most exciting to me!! and I’m lucky to have a new ..one after a time. 🙂

 

It’s a guy in my office. He’s here from London, for 2 weeks. He’ s not in my team. He’s soooo cute. *I can’t stop smiling while I write this and think of him*.

 

I didn’t actually notice him at first, but we met at the elevator, he was coming out and I was going in, and he looked at me and smiled and I smiled back. You know in a ‘Hi’ smile kinna way. And he said Good Morning and I returned the gesture.  And I couldn’t stop smiling after that. He’s tall 5’11 I think, fair but not pale, light brown hair in a little longer than army style cut, his eyes are a different color .. not black or brown, something between blue, green, grey I think. I didn’t get the chance to look into them so deeply yet. 😉

He’s so cute and so smiley and seems so nice.. 🙂

He sits in room diagonally across to my seat, and one of his team member’s sits just opposite me, so he keeps coming there often and I keep looking at him, all struck and smiling. But I can’t help it!!

 

After the first day, he again said Hi and How are you to me the next day. I was all smiles again, but of course I did reply decently. Then I kept sneakingly  looking at him and he grew on me.  So I found out his name and then looked about how old he is. he’s 9 years elder to me. But actually dosen’t look that older than me..ok maybe he does. So what? he does look married but I don’t think he is..more like I wish he isn’t.

Well see he is here only this week and next week. hmmpp!! And right now its all in my head only! But I am so enjoying it. 🙂

I’ve not even had a conversation with him..but this all imagining and smiling away in dreams with eyes open. Stealing glances at him and thinking how it would be if we actually get to know each other and what if he’s also feeling all these things for me. You know!! my god!! this is sooo exciting!!

I love having crushes!! I love the excitement. I even wore a Indian tradition suit today to office. For him to notice and compliment but we didn’t even get to say hi to each other, although I tried a lot to cross his path, but didn’t happen. But was so much fun!!

He’s also at a higher position and I’m not sure what he thinks of me either. But just taking a step ahead and loosing this excitement is what I couldn’t get myself to do. I typed his name on my chat and saw hi online , I wrote “Hi Matthew” many times and then deleted it. I couldn’t send it.  Also there was a little scare that he might talk about “a girl approaching him” to few people around.

I love this exciting phase… eee :))

 

Again… he’s here only for a week more, but that would be nice too if possible.. i guess..who knows.. ee 🙂

 

Should I talk to him??? Should I approach him??

 

 

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