Questions???

I have a lot of free time on me these days and this means that even if I am doing something it is out of will or in a very non rushed manner (except when I visit the office a few times). How this free-non-rushed things affect me is that they make me aware of the questions in my mind.

I am listening to that voice which questions a lot and makes everything seem so meaningless unless I have an answer to it.

This is a time in my life when I am questioning myself and the life around me, but the answers are what I’m hoping to find, discovering them, learning from them, searching for them.

The questions that are mostly in my head are:

What am I meant to do in this life?

What do I WANT to do in this life?

What is my REASON for existence?

How does one find their true calling?

Can life be different than the society norms and yet be complete and fulfilling?

Why do you need marriage and kids?

One can live happily alone, forver?

Does everything have to be in the pattern that society has set, school-college-job-savings-house-car-marriage-kids-more savings-and again the viscous circle…

What if I don’t want all this? can i live happily alone?

Why do people take others responsibilities and complicate their lives?

What if I don’t want to get caught in all this? Am I escaping facing the path of life?

What if you are only responsible for yourself? Wouldn’t that be so freeing and so relieving? No responsibility no obligation no tension?

 

I want to know the answers myself before I involve anyone else into these puzzles.

Is a broken relationship of childish teenage dreams the reason why I feel so distant from the concepts of companionship and togetherness of a lifetime?

Is this the influence of The Boss which makes him my ideal and I want the same kind of freedom like him?

Why do I call it freedom? Why do I feel so bound right now? Why does it feel trapped and obligated? Why dosen’t my will overcome this feeling of weighed down?

 

These are important questions and the answers will make my life. I may get caught in the rat race of life, but I will not forget these questions and I will always look for the answers within and outside.

Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

Closure!!!

Never mind how things started out, I feel it is really important that they end in a proper manner. And I am not at all good at this. I have left friendships turn sour to rock cold and also relationships to complete ignore and run away situations. But Closure does feel good.

I were my last  few days in the office and I had been literally running after The Boss to give me sometime to talk to him, he did give me time but like his true self he opened the conversation on a topic he assumed I had come to talk about i.e career and then carried on with his preaching (which are quite interesting and I like to hear and not interfere as I feel like I’m getting to know a little part of him a little better) and then he very conveniently closes the conversation also, without even asking if the other person has anything more to add. 🙂

 

I knew I could leave without letting him know how  I felt and telling him to his face was out of question because I am always so tongue tied in front of him. A night before my last day in office, I sat down and wrote him a letter, yeah very old fashioned I know, but this letter was not an instant pouring of emotions. I had been writing these notes in my phone and saving them. I would write them during my morning meetings in office , which I was hardly interested in because I knew I was leaving, I would write them on the way back home in cab, when I was staying late in office hoping to meet him. Finally a four page letter was written and I kept it on my bed to collect in the morning. When I left in the morning I forgot it at home, of course typical me. For a moment I thought God did not want me to give him those letters, but then I decided otherwise.

I went to the office, waited for him to come and then I pinged him saying I needed his 5 minutes, I needed to give him something, he asked what I told him something I wrote and he asked if it was the career thing he had told me about, I told him he will know when he reads it but he has to promise not to open it until after office , after I leave. He promised. He said I could come now but I wasn’t ready with the letter which I had to rewrite again.

 

I took some blank sheets and popped into an empty meeting room and then got down to it. The 4 sheets came pretty close to the original ones. I folded into an envelope and went to meet him.

 

The 5 minutes went onto 30 minutes. He talked about so many things, his life, what he’s trying to do, what he thinks of his past life, its all too complicated to write here but someway i could understand him. He also mentioned that earlier in our conversations he had mentioned some of the topic he took today, because they were meant to be talked about only when the person in front of him was understanding him and what he was saying. So he admitted that he felt I was understanding him thoughts and stuff he said.

 

After the conversation I was doubtful if I should hand him the letter or not, but keeping the fear away i gave them to him and said my final bye and shook hands (i initiated).

 

after reaching home it was almost 2 hours after work, I didn’t feel like going to gym and just sat in the quilt. I messaged him if he had read it yet. After about 15minutes I got his call. I jumped from the bed. The first thing he asked was if I was officially out of the organisation (client) I said yes now I am not professionally linked to them anyways, then he said he was relieved that he can talk to me like a friend. He said he appreciated everything and he had a laugh over how I was keeping an eye on him, he expressed that I should think of writing something, he said it made him feel good that such pure feelings still exist and he also said that I should not keep myself from moving ahead and be happy.

He was so friendly, a completely different tone than what I have heard earlier.

I asked him to keep the sheets with him as I will take them back from him someday.

It felt good. He called. He could have ignored. This swept away all the feelings of being ignored and hurt that I would feel everytime he didn’t respond to me. It was closure to me.

And also he said he would help and guide and mentor if I wanted his help.

 

I was so happy!! It felt like the perfect end to a perfect crush. 🙂

 

Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

Latest in my life

Well, new things aren’t happening at a pace, yet it feels like change is coming around.

For one, I got my promotion. Yay!!! The money may not be so good, but still it is something and then it also means that I am done waiting for 1 less thing. Right?

Next, Diwali is over and so are my 1 week leaves, which I spent doing nothing at all, I just wasn’t in the plan mode at all, I never am, and I did not make the extra efforts it takes to plan out, even if meant a 1 days trip. Whatever!

I saw a few office love inspired movie / series and now I’m quite inspired to have my own story to tell.  In the inspired mode I have thought of looking around my office and outside for good prospects and once I see one, definitely act on it. Also I replied to my boss’s happy diwali mail and the reply was ONLY to him, nothing much in the content thoughh, just thanks and wish you the same, but still it was a 1:1 thing I did. Eeeee!!! btw the movied I watched was Bridget Jones Diary and the series Mahi Way. I know Bridget’s story isn’t exactlya good example but the thing is taking initiative. Even if there is a small chance there, one should explore it. What is the worse that could happen? he’s not interested / or engaged or seeing someone? that’s ok, nothing to loose.

Another thing, Bridget inspired me to do, write the Diary.

After the diwali week, its also time to get back to the Diet and Gym. Its not like I left, but yeah did miss couple of days and did eat couple of sweets (ok a little more than couple). Now get the target back on track. 7kgs in 2 months is the target people.

 

Also, regarding my release, talks will start soon with client and search for new person will follow. Mid- December, I will be off from here. But before that I need to get my passport in place. Seriously.

 

That’s all that’s happening here. You tell me howz life there?

 

 

 

At the Waiting end..& more

Reflecting back on the year passed, it seems like is true that I have been on the Waiting End all through the year.

When I joined this company (with a salary hike) and got into this project, I was eagerly waiting for a good mid-year rating, which I did get, and then I waited for the Final year rating, which was OK because the hike was not so good with it, then I came to be waiting for my experience to complete a mark where I was eligible for Promotion, that happened, and then I waited for the management to get my Promotion Initiated (I had to literally run after them for 2 weeks, day and night), that was done, and then I waited for the process to be completed, now that is done and now I’m waiting for the Company Quarterly results to be out coz I will get the promotion letter thena nd will be able to see how much hike I have got, hopefully by end of this week / early next week, and then finally I will wait till the end of month to get the hike salary into my account. 🙂

Lots of waiting right!

Well, you may say that this was achievements or goals you achieved, but NO, it was all waiting. I have been waiting for each of these events like a watch dog, waiting for that evil cat sitting across the street to come near me, so I can get hold of it, except that the leash wont let me move around and so I sit and wait. Wow, I really feel leashed right now too. Maybe because I don’t enjoy what I do anymore. I enjoy everything else but not this.

Anyhow, so I had a meeting with my client manager today and I told him clearly that I want to go and that there is a replacement that I have in mind and she will be available by end of month, so if he wants to get her then he should act fast. He was not to supportive of the idea but still I have put a point in his empty head and I will keep asking him every week about it. God please, end of this month, let me go from here and withtin next month let me get a good onsite project so by next year I am out of Inida and there is no more leashed waiting.

Apart from all this, I’m in a good mood these days. The onbring of winter has this effect on me, the slight chill early mornings and late evenings, the feel good air and soon enough I’ll get my jackets out and run on the treadmill loving the warmth in my body.

 

Also a few more self care do’s have been put into practice, I cut some amla yesterday and will be eating 1 piece each day and also washed hair with amla-reetha-shikakai. Also, coming week , soups will become my supper and bring me all the glow and health I want. 🙂

At the friends end, well i’m not too happy with the current state but then I’m not complaining either. Hopefully, I will make the effort to meet few people often and go out a little more.

Love  – well love has not come around yet and I’m not waiting either, I’ve got a hundred things to work on myself, so i’ll let this rest for a while. 🙂

 

Cheers!!

Should I fight harder?

I’m stuck in a situation and what am I doing about it, well nothing much. I somehow feel that I am not fighting harder and pushing it further, but somewhere along the line, I don’t feel ready for what comes next too.

Well, i’ve been wokring on this project for 1year and 4 months, while I had committed to only 1 year. Now the thing is that the client manager here is getting on my nerves and I cant stand him, plus he’s a moron and a jerk whom I can abuse just about any minute. I really want to get out of here and get a good onsite project, live abroad a few years and earn more money, settle my family, buy a house and all. But that all happens only if I’m released fromt his project.

Today I had a word with my organisation manager and told him I want release, he said they can’t move people around here right now and I wil have to wait till December, DECEMBER..that is like 3 months. Oh God!! I just can’t see myself waiting here for 3 months, in this stupid project with that idiot of a person. He will suck my blood and I will definitely murder him.

I really don’t know what will happen, but I am considering resigning and finding a new job. Maybe I’m not meant for this kind of slow and dragy system. But since I’ve heard December I have a frown on my face and tension written all over it.

There is a tricky side to this too, I don’t know if I’m ready to go onsite yet and live by myself and all that I want. You know, be alone and responsible, take care of taxes and earnings and other currency salary and stuff. Maybe I’m just getting nervous thinking about it, everybody gets ready once they have the chance right? But I’m not in the ‘I’m ready and waiting mode’ yet.

I seriously don’t know where this all is going. For now, I can only focus on my promotion which is due next month and the salary hike that comes with it. God! Please make the hike a huge sum, so atleast I can live these 3 months (i.e if i do) in some satisfaction by earning more.

 

Also, Im thinking if I do have to be here for 3 months more, then it will give me time to get in shape, loose those extra kgs that I am meaning to and finish my weight goal, before I venture out to a new country. It feels like just consoling myself.

And as I finish this post, I’m seriously considering applying for new job.

 

Acceptance..

I’ve written so many posts about my dad, how I miss him, how I cry when I think of him, how it still hurts and so many emotions come up with his thoughts.

 

A few days back, I looked at his picture, which my mom has kept over the small temple box we have at home and i actually smiled at him. I told him I’m doing good, I’m happy. I can’t tell you how that moment felt. It was something you can’t explain.

 

I can’t be sure if it was acceptance, happiness, letting go, moving on or what, but it felt so good. I felt like I was talking to him and he was listening. Like we had a connection, like he was here only and all the pain and hurt and tears they were just a bad dream.

It was his presence and looking at me and smiling that gave me some assurance, the sadness was gone.

A clear and peaceful mind is what I got that day. And I don’t feel the burden anymore. I don’t feel bad. I feel good.

 

Maybe he has gotten peace and I have too.

 

Love you dad .. and this time I don’t have tears in my eyes, only a smile to my face as I think of you.

Do you like Steady? Settled?

A friend of my got married a year ago at the age of 24, for me its pretty soon but to each his own so. She was initially having troubles adjusting to her husband’s thoughts and the new family, but now she’s settled in well. I spoke to her about a week ago and she told me “life is settled you know, its all set and steady”. I was happy for her, but actually it sounded little boring too.

I mean in my life too, when thing become little too much the-same-way-everyday or you know scheduled around the same events, I find it boring, yes relaxed but boring.

 

Would you call being settled and steady ‘Boring’?

 

And seriously I can’t live with boring. I can hang on to it for a while, but then questions of ‘why am i alive?’ and ‘what am I here on this earth for?’ start floating in my head, which sometimes really makes me want to give up the boring life and might as well become a Buddhist. So seriously, being bored is really dangerous for me!

 

I wouldn’t say make my life an episode of ‘The survivor’ but yes, some spice, some new faces, some new places, something new basically has to come around often. Like in the movie ‘Jab We Met’, Geet says ‘bas babaji ab is night ko boring bana do’.. not sure that is what I want.

 

Something so funny happened today, I was at my jazz dance class and we were just starting out the warm up, and as I looked at myself in the mirror with the entire batch doing warm up, I couldn’t help but smile, the thoughts that came to my mind were something like ‘ Now you’re doing what you enjoy, look at yourself, you’re at a dance class, learning something, this is so cool’. I became so happy.

Something made me feel very happy. Something spontaneous. Something new.

 

You know even if I get married, I wouldn’t want to get a office, home, family, settled thing, I would like a husband who’s adventurous and we’d go out, camps, treks, separate trips, together trips. A happening life.. a settled and happening life.

 

 

Ready or Not?

The absence of love life in my life is quite a dillusion to me. I really don’t know how I feel about it. Am I sad that no one is crazy in love with me? Am I happy with the empty space in life and only-advertisment-messages on my phone?

I’m actually kind of numb to it. No reaction. Like some dead part.

Sometimes I do think about having someone who likes me and smile away and dream on, but even in those dreams, its never a close relationship I see, its either someone who likes me and I know about it or vice versa. Its mostly flirting I think.

I’ve almost even stopped considering guys as prospects now. I hardly meet anyone and haven’t felt that way about anyone. Mostly I think I avoid such situations.. just weirdly!

If I had a perfectly nice guy standing at the door and waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would open the door or not. Am I ready for another person in my life?

I don’t think so.. and maybe reasons could be:

– Self conciousness. I don’t feel at all smart, sexy or wanted, not even to myself.  I am not happy abuot what reflects on the outside, so I don’t think I could accept anyone else accepting this me, whom even i don’t accept and want to change.

– Family. I feel guilty when I have too much fun and then I come back home to see my mom and bro at home. I feel like I need to keep them happy first. I know it can’t always be done, but I don’t like the guilt. Maybe having someone else in my life and sharing the love and attention will make me father away from them, I wuold hate myself if this happened. I do tend to get pretty involved when something new comes my way and I don’t think I can take that right now.

– Being with someone means taking and giving much more. I’m not sure I have any of the givingness left in me anymore. Infact, if I know myself even a little bit, I’m going to be all Needy and taking all the time, whatever it be, attention, love, care, money. I am not in sharing state or mode and I don’t know how that switch can be turned on either. Can someone love me without you giving back as much? I don’t know truely but I am little biased towards the negative answer on this.

 

Only time can tell where love and my life will meet.. but for now.. I don’t feel ready for it.