Ready or Not?

The absence of love life in my life is quite a dillusion to me. I really don’t know how I feel about it. Am I sad that no one is crazy in love with me? Am I happy with the empty space in life and only-advertisment-messages on my phone?

I’m actually kind of numb to it. No reaction. Like some dead part.

Sometimes I do think about having someone who likes me and smile away and dream on, but even in those dreams, its never a close relationship I see, its either someone who likes me and I know about it or vice versa. Its mostly flirting I think.

I’ve almost even stopped considering guys as prospects now. I hardly meet anyone and haven’t felt that way about anyone. Mostly I think I avoid such situations.. just weirdly!

If I had a perfectly nice guy standing at the door and waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would open the door or not. Am I ready for another person in my life?

I don’t think so.. and maybe reasons could be:

– Self conciousness. I don’t feel at all smart, sexy or wanted, not even to myself.  I am not happy abuot what reflects on the outside, so I don’t think I could accept anyone else accepting this me, whom even i don’t accept and want to change.

– Family. I feel guilty when I have too much fun and then I come back home to see my mom and bro at home. I feel like I need to keep them happy first. I know it can’t always be done, but I don’t like the guilt. Maybe having someone else in my life and sharing the love and attention will make me father away from them, I wuold hate myself if this happened. I do tend to get pretty involved when something new comes my way and I don’t think I can take that right now.

– Being with someone means taking and giving much more. I’m not sure I have any of the givingness left in me anymore. Infact, if I know myself even a little bit, I’m going to be all Needy and taking all the time, whatever it be, attention, love, care, money. I am not in sharing state or mode and I don’t know how that switch can be turned on either. Can someone love me without you giving back as much? I don’t know truely but I am little biased towards the negative answer on this.

 

Only time can tell where love and my life will meet.. but for now.. I don’t feel ready for it.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under dating, family, feelings, Interesting, interpret, life, love, personal, realtionships, secrets, thoughts

2 responses to “Ready or Not?

  1. “Only time can tell where love and my life will meet”
    – i really like this one. 🙂
    all my other friends have their bf’s now. and i’m like single since birth..
    but after I’ve read this, i think there’s really no reason for me to force myself to like someone so i can fit in with the others. ^^ i also think that i need to stay with my family for now 😀

  2. The T

    drop your guard a bit….lawd girl…smile…life is going to be just fine. I’m sure you’re beautiful, sexy and amazing..so let one of us men embrace you and let you know how wonderful you are!

    T.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s