The absence of love life in my life is quite a dillusion to me. I really don’t know how I feel about it. Am I sad that no one is crazy in love with me? Am I happy with the empty space in life and only-advertisment-messages on my phone?
I’m actually kind of numb to it. No reaction. Like some dead part.
Sometimes I do think about having someone who likes me and smile away and dream on, but even in those dreams, its never a close relationship I see, its either someone who likes me and I know about it or vice versa. Its mostly flirting I think.
I’ve almost even stopped considering guys as prospects now. I hardly meet anyone and haven’t felt that way about anyone. Mostly I think I avoid such situations.. just weirdly!
If I had a perfectly nice guy standing at the door and waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would open the door or not. Am I ready for another person in my life?
I don’t think so.. and maybe reasons could be:
– Self conciousness. I don’t feel at all smart, sexy or wanted, not even to myself. I am not happy abuot what reflects on the outside, so I don’t think I could accept anyone else accepting this me, whom even i don’t accept and want to change.
– Family. I feel guilty when I have too much fun and then I come back home to see my mom and bro at home. I feel like I need to keep them happy first. I know it can’t always be done, but I don’t like the guilt. Maybe having someone else in my life and sharing the love and attention will make me father away from them, I wuold hate myself if this happened. I do tend to get pretty involved when something new comes my way and I don’t think I can take that right now.
– Being with someone means taking and giving much more. I’m not sure I have any of the givingness left in me anymore. Infact, if I know myself even a little bit, I’m going to be all Needy and taking all the time, whatever it be, attention, love, care, money. I am not in sharing state or mode and I don’t know how that switch can be turned on either. Can someone love me without you giving back as much? I don’t know truely but I am little biased towards the negative answer on this.
Only time can tell where love and my life will meet.. but for now.. I don’t feel ready for it.