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A phase

So I’m at this phase in my life right now. Its something of a pause, things aren’t happening and I’m ok with it. I needed a break, but this is not exactly a break. Yes i’m not going to office but still getting paid while i wait for next project and stuff.

Am I doing anything creative with this time, well, not yet, the last two weeks I have been sleeping a lot, watching tv, listening to music little and then writing a little. Also a little study.

I had thought about getting enrolled for a course but it seems irrelevant right now.

An important document is what I wait for and somehow many things depend on it. I can wait. I am ok at waiting only if this mind stops buzzing and giving me unnecessary tension.

I don’t know why I stopped workouts. I know, i was lazy and its damn cold. But i am going to start tomorw morning. I need to get up and do something.

This phase.. will end soon and I know that something better is out there for me.  I only need to stop being so lazy.

Also some messages were exchanged with The Boss over the past 2 weeks and last 2 days a lot of messages, they were all general life philosophy type stuff only. Then he thinks I can be my own guide and don’t need him, I said goodbye with a sad feel but I know there is some connection between us (apart from the same birthday ).  I leave it to higher powers to decide our fate. I am ok with whatever it be.

 

this is just a phase… before the real things happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Same mistakes again…

Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.

 

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

 

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

 

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

 

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

 

What do I do?

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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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Acceptance..

I’ve written so many posts about my dad, how I miss him, how I cry when I think of him, how it still hurts and so many emotions come up with his thoughts.

 

A few days back, I looked at his picture, which my mom has kept over the small temple box we have at home and i actually smiled at him. I told him I’m doing good, I’m happy. I can’t tell you how that moment felt. It was something you can’t explain.

 

I can’t be sure if it was acceptance, happiness, letting go, moving on or what, but it felt so good. I felt like I was talking to him and he was listening. Like we had a connection, like he was here only and all the pain and hurt and tears they were just a bad dream.

It was his presence and looking at me and smiling that gave me some assurance, the sadness was gone.

A clear and peaceful mind is what I got that day. And I don’t feel the burden anymore. I don’t feel bad. I feel good.

 

Maybe he has gotten peace and I have too.

 

Love you dad .. and this time I don’t have tears in my eyes, only a smile to my face as I think of you.

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Lost a friend..

I have lost a friend today, forever. She was the nicest and sweetest girl I knew, she was so lovely to be around, jolly nature, easy going, enjoyinhg life, no tensions.

We met when I started my first job , in first year college holidays, she had come from Dehradoon and it was her first job too. We clicked the very first day, we were both looking for a place to stay and so decided to find a PG accommodation together. We found 1 and then were roomies for next 8 months. We knew each other in and out, after all staying together makes you very transparent. She was such a sweet and pretty girl. I will always be fond of her. Even my mom used to like her a lot.

 

I used to get into trouble a lot, when I used to get my then boyfriend up to the room, which was not allowed, but she never said a word, she never got angry with me, she just cooperated.

 

Then me and my college friends decided to take a flat together, and I asked her to join us, but she didn’t, I was a little upset but I understood her soon enough and knew why she didn’t want to live with us. She was a office person, we were college people, she worked at night, we in day, she would be lonely there.

 

I parted from the PG and she moved to another PG where there were many girls and she felt less alone.

 

Soon she got engaged and even though she didn’t like the guy, her family made her emotional and do it. She had 2 years of gap in the wedding and her mom told her that if she found someone better she could call off the engagement.

 

She changed her job and then found someone. We were less in touch. She was dating even though she was engaged. Before her wedding we met, she said she didn’t want to get married and she wanted to run away. I don’t remember what advice I gave her. She told me that the guy she was dating was not ready for marriage and he had elder sisters to get married off first.  She went ahead with her wedding. I went to Dehradoon to attend the wedding. She looked like a perfect pretty doll in baby pink lehnga.

 

After her wedding she and her husband moved into a flat in Delhi. I went to meet her. She was not happy. She said she didn’t have any connection with him. She said they both sat in the same room and had nothing to talk about. She didn’t even know his salary. Her husband would take every matter to his family and their relationship was too much interfered into by both their families. She was not happy.

 

Later we met and she told me she was pregnant. She wanted to get abortion and asked me if I could accompany her. Her husband was away at army duty and she was alone here. I went to her support. She told me her husband wouldn’t believe that it is his baby and would tell everyone that she was having an affair..Today Now I’m not sure what she told me was the truth, but I will like to believe it was.  She got abortion and went back to married life.

 

I met her again and she said she wasn’t happy at all. I’m not sure how many times I met her and she kept saying this only.

 

Finally after sometime, she said things were better. Her husband was trying and they started to spend time together. He had moved to Delhi permanently and she would cook for him before leaving for office and they went for movies. She said it was getting better. I was relieved. She deserved all the happiness in the world.

 

After sometime when I spoke to her, she told me that she was getting a divorce. Her mother had agreed to it. She said it was mutual. They filed for it and in next 6 months it was done.

I met her again and she seemed relieved. I told her that now she’s free she will get a great guy who will always keep her happy. She deserved the best.

She was living alone now and working.  Her mom and grandma would keep coming to stay with her. I asked her to come to my place many times, it never happened.

Then we kept talking in gaps and she would sometimes  be in Dehradoona and then back in Delhi.

 

She changed her job. She moved her place. And then we lost touch. I kept calling her and sometimes she didn’t pick, sometimes unreachable. I should have tried harder to be in touch with her. I should have made more efforts.

 

It’s been 2-3 months since we last spoke and yesterday I got a message from her ex-husband saying she had committed suicide. I couldn’t believe it. He was a jerk. He’s lying. I called him and said he shouldn’t lie about things like this. There was no pain in his voice. It was a lie.

My family and I went for a movie last night and enjoyed it. When we came back the only thing I was saying inside was, it couldn’t be, she can’t do that. No its not possible. I couldn’t sleep with lights off. I turned them on and then dozed off at 4am. I woke up with the same thoughts. My mother kept telling me call someone and confirm.

Whom? I didn’t have her home number? No common friends number? I didn’t know where she lived. I called her ex-husband and told him I didn’t believe him and asked for her home number, he gave me the number, I called and her Grandpa picked and said the same things. He said her brother was in Delhi to identify and take the body and now he was returning with the body to Dehradoon.

I couldn’t speak.

I cried.

I still didn’t want to believe it. It was all a lie. it can’t be. I opened facebook, looked at all her friends list, trying to find someone who’s number was listed to be seen. I found one number. I called this guy and asked if he had her number, he said no, he asked what this was about, I told him and started crying, I told him  I don’t believe it and want to talk to someone who was in regular touch with her. He said he would help me find. He found nothing.

 

He also told me that last time he spoke to her, she was living with her Boyfriend, the same one that was before marraige. He said after her divorce she was back with him.

I was shocked. She never told me all this. She never mentioned being back with him.

Did she think I would not support her. Was I not a trust worthy friend. Did she think I would judge her.

 

After all ways of ignorance I tried to find out. I couldn’t speak. I asked mom to talk to the ex-husband. She did. It was all true. He said the boyfriend was the reason she took divorce and now the reason she took her life. She left a note saying that the boyfriend had ditched her for another girl and she hanged herself. The landlady saw her hanging and called her family in dehradoon. Soon the husband started getting calls and then he forwarded the message around.

 

I cried. I’m in shock. I can’t believe it.  Is she gone. Could I have helped?Why didn’t she share with me?

I don’t know how to be with this. She gave her life by her own hands. The girl whom I found the sweetest in the world, something had troubled her so much, someone had done her so wrong.

How could she? I don’t want to believe it. I can’t imagine it.

She was so polite and I’ve hardly ever seen her get angry. Such a big step? Where did she get the strength from? Why Bhawna? Why didn’t you call me and share you problem? Why didn’t you gather some courage and face it all.

Please Bhawna, let all this be a bad dream I wake up from. God please. She deserves a happy and long life. Please bring her back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Resolutions 2011!

Like I had promised to this blogspace, you all and myself..here are the Resolutions 2011..as if they have been accomplished

1. Wow I can speak French!   I started learning in April 2011 via Online tutorials and if I got lucky to meet someone to practice speaking it with too. I started Start date – April 2011. It’s the end of the year and I can speak proper entire grammatically correct sentences in French now. Merci beau coup!

2. I got an awesome 20% hike in salary from June 2011 onwards.

3.  I had got my passport in June 2011.

4.  I had got released from my last project in July 2011 and then I got my awaited Onsite project for New York in August 2011. Amazing!!! I was so thrilled ! YAY!! I’ve also been earning a lot of money here and saving almost 40% of it, even after I send 40% home and have 20% to myself, its more than enough for me.

5.  My apartment in New York is amazing. Its exactly what I had dream of. So much like Carrie’s apartment.

6. I’ve learned how to save money. I had been saving 10% of my salary since April 2011 until I moved to New York.  And I saved it all and gave it to mom before coming here.

7.  I learnt how to swim underwater in summers of 2011.

8. I have been a religious follower of Yoga since March 2011. Its become part of my life now, part of me, its just as important as waking up for me. I weighed myself in beginning of June 2011 to be 50 kgs and today I just weighed to be at the same.

9. I have learnt so much Yoga this year. I read books and then took some classes back in India. It really opened my mind to so many new things about our life, body, peace. I just started teaching Yoga here in New York at a centre.

10. I have finished my first novel. It is in review with many publishers and the offers are pouring in. I started writing it in July 2011 and completed it in November 2011.

11. Boys had been plenty this year. I had dated 3 guys back in Delhi, obviously one at a time and they were all nice. 2 indians and 1 firang. It was a good experience and I also parted as friends with them, no ugly endings, coz we were on the same page before starting anything. Here in New York, I have been dating guys, and mentionable is only 1 since, he’s who I’m currently dating. So far so good.

12.  I have learnt so much about nutrition. partly along with Yoga and also because in March 2011 I had developed a liking for cooking. I try and expirement and its usually good.

13. I have been taking good care of myself since April 2011, and I feel and look beautiful ,my skin is glowing and clear, my hair is strong and shiny, my abs and thighs are tight and maintained. I love it!

14.  Mom n sis have taken car and moved to a beautiful house in Delhi with a big lawn. I’ve been sending good money there and they’re putting into the house & car EMI.

15. I did great in jazz at Delhi, got promoted, was able to do 3 pirouettes and then when I came to New York i found this amazing studio near my place. I’ve been learning  there  almost every day and its getting better. I can do a full split now. 🙂 Believe me!

16 . As a person also I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome my fear of people not liking me and how I wanted to please everyone. I feel more confident today and its not only because of the looks, its more because I accept myself and the face that not everyone can like me. I am more relaxed and sorted now.

17. I have been travelling so much around New York. Almost every weekend I make plans with friends here. Its great to see this country. Next month December 2011, is planned for Europe – Italy. With the one i’m dating now. 🙂 wow!!

18. I had also won the Fiction writing contest for a magazine in India in April 2011.

19. I got a tattoo done from Kat Von De Camp in Miami. Its brilliant!!

20. I have also generated a good habit of brushing my teeth before sleep since March 2011. :)))

That was One hell of a Year!! Totally amazing!!!

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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.

 

It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!

 

I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.

 

Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.

 

So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.

 

4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!

 

5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.

 

6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.

 

P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.

 

Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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