Category Archives: reading

Questions???

I have a lot of free time on me these days and this means that even if I am doing something it is out of will or in a very non rushed manner (except when I visit the office a few times). How this free-non-rushed things affect me is that they make me aware of the questions in my mind.

I am listening to that voice which questions a lot and makes everything seem so meaningless unless I have an answer to it.

This is a time in my life when I am questioning myself and the life around me, but the answers are what I’m hoping to find, discovering them, learning from them, searching for them.

The questions that are mostly in my head are:

What am I meant to do in this life?

What do I WANT to do in this life?

What is my REASON for existence?

How does one find their true calling?

Can life be different than the society norms and yet be complete and fulfilling?

Why do you need marriage and kids?

One can live happily alone, forver?

Does everything have to be in the pattern that society has set, school-college-job-savings-house-car-marriage-kids-more savings-and again the viscous circle…

What if I don’t want all this? can i live happily alone?

Why do people take others responsibilities and complicate their lives?

What if I don’t want to get caught in all this? Am I escaping facing the path of life?

What if you are only responsible for yourself? Wouldn’t that be so freeing and so relieving? No responsibility no obligation no tension?

 

I want to know the answers myself before I involve anyone else into these puzzles.

Is a broken relationship of childish teenage dreams the reason why I feel so distant from the concepts of companionship and togetherness of a lifetime?

Is this the influence of The Boss which makes him my ideal and I want the same kind of freedom like him?

Why do I call it freedom? Why do I feel so bound right now? Why does it feel trapped and obligated? Why dosen’t my will overcome this feeling of weighed down?

 

These are important questions and the answers will make my life. I may get caught in the rat race of life, but I will not forget these questions and I will always look for the answers within and outside.

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Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

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Closure!!!

Never mind how things started out, I feel it is really important that they end in a proper manner. And I am not at all good at this. I have left friendships turn sour to rock cold and also relationships to complete ignore and run away situations. But Closure does feel good.

I were my last  few days in the office and I had been literally running after The Boss to give me sometime to talk to him, he did give me time but like his true self he opened the conversation on a topic he assumed I had come to talk about i.e career and then carried on with his preaching (which are quite interesting and I like to hear and not interfere as I feel like I’m getting to know a little part of him a little better) and then he very conveniently closes the conversation also, without even asking if the other person has anything more to add. 🙂

 

I knew I could leave without letting him know how  I felt and telling him to his face was out of question because I am always so tongue tied in front of him. A night before my last day in office, I sat down and wrote him a letter, yeah very old fashioned I know, but this letter was not an instant pouring of emotions. I had been writing these notes in my phone and saving them. I would write them during my morning meetings in office , which I was hardly interested in because I knew I was leaving, I would write them on the way back home in cab, when I was staying late in office hoping to meet him. Finally a four page letter was written and I kept it on my bed to collect in the morning. When I left in the morning I forgot it at home, of course typical me. For a moment I thought God did not want me to give him those letters, but then I decided otherwise.

I went to the office, waited for him to come and then I pinged him saying I needed his 5 minutes, I needed to give him something, he asked what I told him something I wrote and he asked if it was the career thing he had told me about, I told him he will know when he reads it but he has to promise not to open it until after office , after I leave. He promised. He said I could come now but I wasn’t ready with the letter which I had to rewrite again.

 

I took some blank sheets and popped into an empty meeting room and then got down to it. The 4 sheets came pretty close to the original ones. I folded into an envelope and went to meet him.

 

The 5 minutes went onto 30 minutes. He talked about so many things, his life, what he’s trying to do, what he thinks of his past life, its all too complicated to write here but someway i could understand him. He also mentioned that earlier in our conversations he had mentioned some of the topic he took today, because they were meant to be talked about only when the person in front of him was understanding him and what he was saying. So he admitted that he felt I was understanding him thoughts and stuff he said.

 

After the conversation I was doubtful if I should hand him the letter or not, but keeping the fear away i gave them to him and said my final bye and shook hands (i initiated).

 

after reaching home it was almost 2 hours after work, I didn’t feel like going to gym and just sat in the quilt. I messaged him if he had read it yet. After about 15minutes I got his call. I jumped from the bed. The first thing he asked was if I was officially out of the organisation (client) I said yes now I am not professionally linked to them anyways, then he said he was relieved that he can talk to me like a friend. He said he appreciated everything and he had a laugh over how I was keeping an eye on him, he expressed that I should think of writing something, he said it made him feel good that such pure feelings still exist and he also said that I should not keep myself from moving ahead and be happy.

He was so friendly, a completely different tone than what I have heard earlier.

I asked him to keep the sheets with him as I will take them back from him someday.

It felt good. He called. He could have ignored. This swept away all the feelings of being ignored and hurt that I would feel everytime he didn’t respond to me. It was closure to me.

And also he said he would help and guide and mentor if I wanted his help.

 

I was so happy!! It felt like the perfect end to a perfect crush. 🙂

 

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Happy and Sad

Thanks to The Boss! I’ve been having small talk on chat with him and he’s usually not much responsive, that fact I am avoiding and going ahead with being friendly. Its funny how I’m so comfortable on the chat and talk my heart out, in controlled way, but when he’s infront of me I can hardly say a word.

So another occasion of having him face to face had come. There was a guy leaving our team and we wanted a farewell party for him, he suggested we call The Boss also, coz The Boss had helped him a lot and he wanted to thank him. He’s helpful also..ooohhh. Anyways so because I arrange most of the farewell parties so this was also given to me. Now all the arrangements were made and I was asked him what he wanted to eat, coz he dosen’t eat pizza and all, I asked if fruits and juice would be ok, he said yes, ofcourse this was all on chat.

I dressed well, arranged the lunch and ran around to get things in place and then he came. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, there are only few excuses where you get to admire him openly and I was taking full advantage of it. I was not eating anything and team people starting teasing me as to why I’m not eating anything and someone said ‘Are you dieting?’ and other said ‘How do you control yourself?’, I was blushing and going red in the face and looking down and then I politely replied ‘I don’t like pizzas’ and then looked at The Boss, he was enjoying the jokes too and smiling and looking down. So cute. I could have stared away forever. God I am so infatuated with him. 🙂 Anyways so he wasn’t talking much, except about his athlete stuff and all and then people started performing jokes and all, it was much funny. He was laughing and all. I loved to see him enjoy. I only exchanged 1 sentence directly with him. Only 1. Where he said that some team of his made him race go carting with them and he won, I said ‘it could be been intentional you know’ and he looked at me and said ‘ yes it could be intentional’.

He left after sometime and then later the team sat for few more minutes and talked and then we came back to our seats. I hadn’t had lunch so I went for lunch and saw that he was there too, eating lunch.  I think he smiled.

Afterwards the team sent few mails about how the appreciated my efforts and the party was good, keeping The Boss in loop.

 

Later in the evening I was waiting for him to be alone in his cabin, I crossed it a few times and looked, so I could chat with him. When I saw he was free I said hi and then we chatted a little, this time he was a little more responsive and not just yes or no, then after 8-9 messages he was back to yes /no. I asked if he didn’t speak much and only in mono syllabus and he said yes. I asked him if any one had commented on his glasses, he wears quite big framed bold rim glasses and   he said no and he assumed it looks funny, I told him he looks really good in them and he said sure, like sarcastically and i said i’m not kidding they do look good on u, he said thanks and then I asked if he belongs to this city he said yes and then I asked if he lives with family, then no response, after 15 minutes I said im guessing no, no response again, and few minutes after he says have a good weekend, that means bye end of our conversation. I said bye and take care and thought he would be leaving soon too. Then I had to get up from my desk and get some prints and get ready to go, when I came back I saw someone sitting in his cabin, I didn’t directly cross his cabin but there is a meeting room in front of his cabin , i went into the meeting room and bent down to see who was sitting with him, OMG, there was a girl there, the one my friend had told me about, who often stays back after work and chats with him a lot. My heart broke into pieces. It was so sad. I was so happy that we had started talking and I gave him a compliment and all and now he said bye to me and is spending time with this girl. She’s not even pretty you know, only stick thin and flat.

Why would he do that to me?

 

Okay they may be friends but still when another girl is showing interest in you, you don’t say bye to her and talk to your other female friend.

I think he dosen’t like me at all. 😦

This is not good. I have to find someone else to focus my thoughts to, I can’t be so dependent on him to make me happy or sad, after all what do I know about him, nothing!

 

So after office me and N had to go for movie and dinner. That was fun and we went and talked a lot. N keeps saying these things that seem like hints that he likes me or would like to like me or something, but I’m not comfortable with that idea, I mean of course physical stuff is a tempting thought, but with N, he knows me too much and I don’t think it will ever happen or I want it to ever happen for real. But in the moment of things you know, sometimes these images do come in your hea. Like he mentioned if I would like to his room, I said yes, because its been a long time since I saw a bachelor pad and then it was N’s place and he keeps explaining it, so it would be nice to see it, but then he said its too untidy and messy today, so maybe some other day and at that moment this image of him and me  in his room and me looking around and he comes behind me and I turn to see him too close to me and we kiss, god this image came to me, I shook it off, maybe that was the effect of the romantic movies I see so much. And then when we were in the car and he was driving and I handed him something and I touched his palms for a fraction of second, I did feel that jitter in my body, you know, not the friendly one, it was like jitter that goes up your body. Anyways I ignored it and kept looking into the phone.

I cam home with mixed thoughts in my head and those reasons I dreamt of him and me and I kept shaking it off and kept trying to keep The Boss and dream of him instead.

Tuff dreaming too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I have a New Crush..after ages

Something that makes everything exciting is HOPE. Some silly hopes, images in your head, some compliments you wish some one said to you, the ways it would all fall into place feeling.

A Crush is something most exciting to me!! and I’m lucky to have a new ..one after a time. 🙂

 

It’s a guy in my office. He’s here from London, for 2 weeks. He’ s not in my team. He’s soooo cute. *I can’t stop smiling while I write this and think of him*.

 

I didn’t actually notice him at first, but we met at the elevator, he was coming out and I was going in, and he looked at me and smiled and I smiled back. You know in a ‘Hi’ smile kinna way. And he said Good Morning and I returned the gesture.  And I couldn’t stop smiling after that. He’s tall 5’11 I think, fair but not pale, light brown hair in a little longer than army style cut, his eyes are a different color .. not black or brown, something between blue, green, grey I think. I didn’t get the chance to look into them so deeply yet. 😉

He’s so cute and so smiley and seems so nice.. 🙂

He sits in room diagonally across to my seat, and one of his team member’s sits just opposite me, so he keeps coming there often and I keep looking at him, all struck and smiling. But I can’t help it!!

 

After the first day, he again said Hi and How are you to me the next day. I was all smiles again, but of course I did reply decently. Then I kept sneakingly  looking at him and he grew on me.  So I found out his name and then looked about how old he is. he’s 9 years elder to me. But actually dosen’t look that older than me..ok maybe he does. So what? he does look married but I don’t think he is..more like I wish he isn’t.

Well see he is here only this week and next week. hmmpp!! And right now its all in my head only! But I am so enjoying it. 🙂

I’ve not even had a conversation with him..but this all imagining and smiling away in dreams with eyes open. Stealing glances at him and thinking how it would be if we actually get to know each other and what if he’s also feeling all these things for me. You know!! my god!! this is sooo exciting!!

I love having crushes!! I love the excitement. I even wore a Indian tradition suit today to office. For him to notice and compliment but we didn’t even get to say hi to each other, although I tried a lot to cross his path, but didn’t happen. But was so much fun!!

He’s also at a higher position and I’m not sure what he thinks of me either. But just taking a step ahead and loosing this excitement is what I couldn’t get myself to do. I typed his name on my chat and saw hi online , I wrote “Hi Matthew” many times and then deleted it. I couldn’t send it.  Also there was a little scare that he might talk about “a girl approaching him” to few people around.

I love this exciting phase… eee :))

 

Again… he’s here only for a week more, but that would be nice too if possible.. i guess..who knows.. ee 🙂

 

Should I talk to him??? Should I approach him??

 

 

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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.

 

It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!

 

I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.

 

Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.

 

So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.

 

4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!

 

5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.

 

6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.

 

P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.

 

Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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I’m still looking and waiting..

After almost 3 hours of watching Sex and the City episodes from various seasons on youtube, it’s only fair to get reflective on one’s love and relationship status..right?

 

I’m still looking for YOU. Thinking of you just makes my face light up and smile never leaves, you adoring me, you loving me, you and me so real, comfortable, together!!

I’m still looking for YOU! Every new guy I meet, who is single and decent, I hope it’s you. I converse attentively waiting for that one thing that he would speak and I would recognize it’s you. I think of ways of how we would meet, just someplace, somewhere and we would instantly get along, or maybe realize it later.

 

How can I stop looking ? Why should I stop looking? Are you waiting to come when I’m not looking?

 

Are you afraid that I would judge you? I promise I won’t…not much…just a little though, just to know you better.

 

I won’t be sad if you don’t like reading, it wouldn’t matter if you don’t have great dance moves, it’s ok if you have some flaws, I will not look for perfection in you, you’d be perfect for me anyways, I will fight and argue with you coz only you’d know how to calm me down, I’ll think of you when we’re apart, I’ll try to take our difference in opinions sportingly, I’d love you for having an opinion of your own,  I’d admire you secretly many times and just smile at you and say ‘nothing’ when you ask ‘what is it?’ and so much more…

 

It’s all  here ..waiting for you to arrive..

 

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