There is a attractive thing about the things are forbiden for you, whosoever it may be forbiden by, family, religion, society or even plain and simple conscious. They seem so ….. exciting and thrilling and I dont mean it in any cheap way, but just the feel of doing what you should not does have a very appealing and attractiveness to it.
Why I’m saying this is beacuse I have been there and felt it. Even sometimes the stupidest of things so exciting just because I know it is forbiden or in simple words not readily acceptable by people around me.
I have always been a rebel, ever since I remember, always, and I can’t help but wonder, is this only how I feel because I have this rebelious streak in me? Or are these things just as attractive to the obidient and disciplined ones?
I’m not saying we should give in to this but a little bit is no harm right? Of course you have to be in the right mindset to understand where the thrill ends and addiction begins.
I always thought that it is all really simple, you either
– want something or you don’t
– want to do a job or don’t
-like someone or don’t
-want to be with someone or don’t
-know when you’re just having fun or getting addicted
But overtime and the years (mostly the last 4 years) I have learn’t that it isn’t all that simple. Sometimes life dosen’t come in black or white, there are many shades of gray and each blurs the border around the other. You are around someone and you feel like this may be something, but there is this hesitation and this doubt, you know its better this way but still you can’t help but think what if there was something how would it be?
How do you know when its your conscious giving you hints and when its just yourself trying to make something of nothing?
We’ve been friends and I know him and I know he cares a lot. I was never attracted towards him and now when we’re together there is something. I was always conscious about how I looked when he was around and I dodn’t think that meant anything, but now I’m begining to rethink, did it? If I think of us together I feel repelled and there is this uncomfortable feeling. Maybe its just the physicality of us being together for so long and now parting away that is making me feel like this.
I have one of the best friendships and I cherish it a lot. So why these thoughts and why this strange something. Maybe it just that we are going to be so far away and its this feeling of missing a friend that is confusing me up.
But I know this for sure… I don’t want to act upon these unsure thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to spoil anything. I will let time decide if this means anything. For now.. its just the way things were.