Category Archives: sex

Why being Single is FABULOUS!!

In no particular order…here’s my list.  Please ADD to it..

– You can make & cancel plans on your own. Which means, no waiting up, no obligatory visits, no guilt of hurting anyone. Isn’t that just fab!!

– You can spend all that hard saved up  money on YOURSELF, instead of gifts for someone else. More shopping for me, wat could be better!

– You are officially allowed to eye every candy in the bar. And there’s no conscious cribbing in your mind and telling you to stop.

– You can go to all the places you love without having to worry about someone else’s preference. 

– You don’t have to hear the constant nags about ‘how much time you spend at the parlour’. So girls.. ready to spend the lazy afternoons in peace.

– There is more than 1 reason to go lingerie shopping and to feel pretty 😉

– No late night calls, when you dead tired and want to sleep. Phew!! such a relief!

– More time to gossip…

– Much time for all your fav stuff, watching ‘never been kissed’ for the nth time, reading M&B.

– You don’t have to pretend you’re intersted in that sport, that he so digs. Please I can watch all the drama series and feel great now.

– You certainly are off the worries about ‘how his friends are?’, ‘Is he looking decent to go out with?’ , ‘What are his weird secrets?’, ‘How many ex’s do I have to deal with?’

– Flirting, dating, unlimited…

– No more feeling conscious, ‘how much weight have i put on?’ .. okay, who am i kidding.. this will never go away. 😉

–   No nightmares on ‘where is this going?’

that’s all I can get down, but you please ADD Up…

P.S: Was starting a rather grumpy and ranting post in the morning, but glad I finished this instead.

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You know you’ve been single for way too long..

when these weird thoughts come to your mind..

Okay! I’m just saying what’s all in my stupid head, tell me if any of it has/ is true for you?

Just before we start the term ‘too long’ can be really variable for everyone..

 Am I still a good kisser??

Should I put on the lip gloss (when going to next grocery store), maybe I’ll meet someone nice there. Really?? Logic just leaves you alone.

Oohh.. that waiter looks kinda cute! OMG! did I just say I like the waiter.. what’s wrong with me?

Should I shop for sexy lingerie? Does it make sense, I mean I don’t know when I can put it to its actual use.

Why am I not meeting new people? Am I not on the most popular social networking sites? maybe there is a new place everyone’s been logging on..

My boss is soo cute.. aahhh.. if only he wasn’t married..or maybe what if he is.. Oh god! someone should chain my thoughts.

Should I change my organisation to a more cooler one, in short where you know they have maximum bachelor rate?

Is it going to be weird with someone new? *think for a long time* Will I be able to be comfortable? ..oohh this is scary.

I just joined the new gym.. secretly hoping, there are many cute and eligible guys there.. you see my point.. totally wrong intentions at the wrong places

I have scanned every face in my office & home neighbourhood and really not one person that I like.. isn’t that odd?

Where is my prince charming??  really this long empty time does make you believe in stupid stuff..hehe

hahaha.. it’s all so funny and stupid.. but crap happens..

And if someone is going to say that I haven’t been single for that long.. it has.believe me!

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Sore me

I have been PMSing since day before yesterday night and let me tell you it’s not a very pleasant thing (atleast not in the cold winters).

The night it started,  I kept tossing and turning entire night, there was this weird sensation in my stomach abdomen that something was happening down there. I was wearing a tee, huge woollen pullover, and socks and tucked inside 2 layers of blanket, actually one is double layered so 3 layers of blanket and yet my body was cold and uncomfortable. I woke up at 5:45 am and decided I was finally in no state to go to the office, so messaged my colleague and went back to sleep. Then got some rest and sleep, until I woke up.

When I woke up yesterday, my body felt like it was swollen (wasn’t looking swollen though, except my stomach) and it felt sore, sore like you visit the gym after months and then overdo everything cardio, weight, all and then your muscles are on the verge on getting ruptured, that kinda sore. I woke up around 12:30pm and didn’t move out of the blanket until 3pm, ate something and finally had the energy, mind to think of even moving my body, before that it was not even a thinkable thing to do. I couldn’t move, just couldn’t, or maybe of I had to then I would have to pick and place each of my body part one step ahead separately and that too using someone else’s hands, so then I would have to ask someone to pick my stomach and move it just above where my left foot had been picked and placed and henceforth. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, but it surely felt that way, and feeling is as bad as real, so!

After I  finally moved my ass, I was on the internet, checked my blog, others blogs and that was all that could hold my interest there. I was so uncomfortable, sitting, standing, moving.  The soreness was the hurting soreness, just the muscles are all lethargic and any movement might lead to rupture/collapse, something like there’s something weird happening inside you and its s uncomfortable, bloated, swollen, sore feeling. Then I moved to the guitar, that was good, although couldn’t keep myself on it for long, I guess just 30-40 min.

Btw I’m just on the basics with my lessons with my tutor, but for self motivation, I googled the easiest songs to play on guitar and then got this learning lesson on you tube for ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ Bob Dylan version and I’ve been practicing it for 2 days. I am not good at it and specially with moving between chords, that timing is out-of-place, also the C chord is giving me a hard time, my fingers havent adjusted to being moving in different directions and applying pressure at the same time yet, I’m always pressing the not to be pressed keys and what happens is I get the sound correct once and next strum sound like banjo. 🙂 But I will my learn this, I love it, I love to hear people play and the sound of that hollow wood and strings, Mmmm. When I think of it, it’s almost like thinking of your favourite chocolate dessert.. Mmnmmm~ 🙂 You know there are certain things that make you feel like if they were eatable then you would gulp down ever bit of it, like I feel that for the smell of wood polish, and guitar. Does that happen to you too? 

This turned to a happy note huh! Anyways coming back to yesterday, its making me feel sore just mentioning it, you might think that i shouldn’t think/write about it if that’s the case, but I want to write it out, those rollercoaster feelings and weird stuff, I want it all worded. Why I don’t know either. Anyways, so after the sometime with guitar, I moved to mom’s room (where the computer is) and sat on the bed (I know lame details, please read it’ll add up) and couldn’t find myself a comfy,  to-be-warmed spot on the bed. I put some pillows on the wall and then leaned on them, covered myself with quilt and started reading this book ‘Anil’s Ghost’ that has been pending and half read for what seems ages (almost 3 months), but I couldn’t make it my spot. Let me explain. My bum wouldn’t warm the place, my bum wouldn’t feel fit and sunk in, my back wasn’t relaxed or easy and I constantly wanted to change, move in the spot trying to make it comfy, but that wouldn’t happen. Aaagrrh!

I always curse the male species when I’m PMSing, always! But yesterday I didn’t. Usually its something like- Why can’t boys have all this stuff in their bodies? periods – us, babies – us, everything painful comes to us and all they do is think about sex and have fun. Crap! I swear they should be something done so that they should start having babies. Why do we have to go through this? Why not them? I hate this. Jerks! Bloody one minded assholes! But yesterday I didn’t, not even once.

So then after the attempt to read a few pages, I closed it, no spot, no comfort, so warm ass, no point. I slid into the quilt and slept for 2 hours. When I woke up and then the usual TV and drama series were on and mom was glued to it like a bee. I don’t enjoy them much, but then the drama is good, especially with all the new reality series catching fire here and all the channels trying too hard to get TRPs and making shows on weirdest of ideas. It’s funny. One really funny one comes on Channel V, its called ‘Dare to Date’, it so funny. People are brought together for Blind dates and then after the date they are asked if they would like to go on a second date with that person. I haven’t seen a single couple say yes to this question. 🙂 Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of it and the guy was so cute, calling himself Mr.Delhi or something. but really pretty-clean-i-woul-make-a-pretty-girl type cute. Poor guy, he  was stuck with some dumb girl,maybe he was dumb too, dunno, didn’t see much. Another show that is fun is ‘Lux Perfect Bride’, where you need to choose a partner for yourself from a bunch of girls and guys, and they have meeting and everything ot know each other better, but now the show is close to end so there are 2 couples that are already sure of their choices and one lame couple who have no bonding but still holding onto the show in some hope of a magical moment, so now much on the show is about their parents fighting and all. Oh yes, the mother-in-laws are also part of the show and live with the girls to observe and select, so now the girls moms have also arrived and they are all fighting. 🙂 It’s actually a bit of the ugly truth about the arranged marriages and unreasonable expectations that are attached to 2 people marrying. Everybody wants their piece.

Later sis came home soon and then we were chit chatting. It was good. I took a late bath around 11:30pm coz I didn’t want to take it in the morning i.e 5:45 am. Then we all were again chit chatting until 1:30 am and finally decided to call it a day. I slept ok I guess, but woke up in next 5 hours (at 6 am), so it was ok.

Right now, I’m feeling bloated like a balloon, my stomach is a visible proof of it  and I have a fast today. Don’t know if I should keep it though, but if I can’t tolerate it and it gets bad then will eat. But then again, who decided what is bad enough to break the fast? me ? how? we’ll see, some grumbling noises can be heard already..

Btw I just noticed, my titles are not-so-good na? What do you think?  and yes, How’ve you been doing? 

P.S:  Haven’t spoken to New Guy since last fight thing, intentionally and effortlessly. It’s ok.

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Life Updates…

I haven’t been talking about what’s been happening recently for a while. So, here’s all that has been going on.

Okay, last that I remember was a big time venting and full of ranting post on how the hell I hated New Guy and was going not going to get manipulated into his ways. So that story ended by me telling him that we can only be friends and no way is this even getting anywhere. As expected he was all no-no and not agreeing but I was adamant. I was very clear about it all and then he had no option. lol! I stopped the late night talks and early morning calls. I was still speaking to him few times in the day, but he was all boohoo and sent me a message saying that he was feeling deserted. Ya right!! I wasn’t falling for the trap this time. yay! for that :). This is making me feel so sensible and grown up and less idiot! 🙂 Then I did speak to him late night for a few times(i think 3) last week and none of it was anywhere close to anything cozy, all friends stuff. Last night he did say that he was feeling something, but I totally put the logic into it all and made him believe it that it was only because he was relating it our earlier talks and it okay and with time he would get over it.

Today I had a fight with him, I think that’s what it was, atleast from my end. Now I was back from this crappy date, actually not even worth calling it a date (more on that below) and he was somewhere near my place with his brother(who’s getting married in 10 days) and I asked him if we can catch up for coffee. First he tells me that my bro is with me, so you decide. When I said ‘we could go for coffee, but I don’t know your brother so you ask him’, then he said ‘My brother is saying it’s too late and not decent to meet at this hour (9:30pm) and it would get late too’. WTF!! If you don’t want to come/ can’t come, then be a man and say so, you don’t put the other person feel like they have no sense of decency and no home and they are like street people who go anywhere with anyone. I would have slapped that guy if he was in front of me.  I told him to not teach me what decency is and got to hell (or something like that).

You know this thing that I was saying about expectations from others, see here it is, I expected him to consider that I’ve been taking all his crap and been so nice to him and should come atleast for sometime. And also his brother, New Guy and me keep talking about him a lot, all the wedding stuff and all, so I expected him to be at least friendly, but he’s teaching me what decency is. What do you think I am? I mean really? If you ask a friend for coffee when you’re not feeling very good or even just like that, then does it make you indecent?? Bloody idiotic and conservative and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t get it. The last message that I sent him was ‘plz don’t call or text me’. Loser! Being diplomatic/making me feel stupid when he doesn’t have the guts to make an effort/own up that he doesn’t want to make an effort. Is this what friends/dating type all night talking people are for? Get their entertainment/time / someone to listen to them and talk when they’re free, but when they need to make some effort, then we need to be decent. F*** Off!

 

Now the Crappy date whatever the hell it was..

I got talking to this guy I met on chat sometime on last Monday I think. He sounded ok and we were from the same community(doesn’t matter, just mentioning) and we chatted for sometime and shared pics and then he said he’s a pilot and working with Kingfisher Airlines and all good stuff and I’m new to Delhi. So I believed him and then we exchanged numbers and I accidently didn’t save his number (lol! :)) coz I was rushing for the guitar class (sounds so cool! yay! ). So he texted me the next day with his name, so I saved the number and replied him. We spoke on phone once and he was extremely humourous and telling his funny experiences, so it was okay, except he was all like too personal on questions and he’s like we should go for a drive and booz. ya sure! I was so taken aback that how can someone be so shameless and pathetic. Anyways I laughed away all that and said we would meet sometime later for coffee and he was in shock or something, as if I’ve asked him to sleep with me when we meet the first time or what, actually I think that wouldn’t have surprised him. Weirdo! Anyways, I was still thinking that its okay, let me give the guy a chance, at least meet him, you never know he’s actually good. What was I thinking? with my luck.. hmmph! So we spoke again on Friday and then he almost was after my life for meeting him anywhere but not coffee. strange na?? Very ya! I was all no-no. I said its only coffee or nothing! he agreed after much blah-blah-. He’s explanation was that coffee meets are too formal. what a jerk and horrible explanation??? To be honest I was curious and was hoping that he might be good (maybe the pilot thing was influencing!). So today evening I asked him what the plan, after much confusion and all we planned to meet near my place and there also happens to be a Cafe near by, so I told him to park his car and we can meet him, and then he started almost screaming that I don’t want to sit and have coffee. I told him to stop shouting and that I was coming. We met in his car and you won’t believe, he didn’t even look at me. And he was so not the person in the picture. He was totally different!! I got so freaked out! he was also almost 29-30 years old, whereas he told me 24. F***. I sat in the car, looked at him and said hi, and went cold. All I could think was please let me get back home safe today. shit man! imagine he lied about the pic, his age, god knows if he was married!! Hell! he definitely looked married! shit man! So he started driving and I was like where are we going? he didn’t seem at all new to the roads, he took onto this lane that is less busy and good for drive type.. eww!! and I was thinking god-help-me!!! Funny thing is he didn’t look at me also!! not even once, he was driving and looking in front and talking. strange uncle? that’s his name ‘strange uncle’. 🙂 hahaha. so he never looked at me. And he has this theory about all special friends he has, i made it very clear that we can only be friends, I think at that point I told him so that he wouldn’t try anything funny and which I will totally take back now. I am not at all going to have anything to do with strange-uncle. Then within 2 minutes of drive I said ‘its become quite late right’ (it was 8:35pm) and he said yes let me drop you home and took a U-turn. Thank god. but again strange!! He safely dropped me home and even funny he wouldn’t look at me while saying bye too!! haahhaa.. Psycho strange uncle!! thank you god I’m home safe!! seriously!! I was in shock! How can someone be such a liar? And I even confirmed his age with him, and he’s like I’m 23 will turn 24 now, liar, earlier he had told me 24, will turn 25. Liar!!  and I told him that he looked much older, like 29-30. hahaha… But seriously ya, fuck man!!It was so creepy!! I am still partly in shock.. and everyone at home is all giggle-giggle abou it.. lol! 🙂  I swear am never going to believe these people online until I check their orkut/fb . Seriously dude!! Creepy! freaky!! Now you see why I asked New Guy for coffee?? I needed to come back to reality, that was not so ugly! But I couldn’t tell him all this na!

Apart from the ridiculous boys stuff, last Friday I attended my college fren A’s engagement party. We did our college together and she was always borrowing money from me and never returning on time. I was more of a friend to her, but I never sort of trusted her like 200% .We also lived together in flats for 2 years. So ya we were close and knew much about each other, but then she has never been of much a friend in need to me and I was always that for her. and i’m totally ok with that too, sometimes you mean more to others than they mean to you. We have been living in the same city but haven’t met since a year (guilty)  but we talked and all. Now her family is all conservative and all, about same caste and early marriage of girls. She had her profile on some matrimony portal and this guy contacted her and she like the profile and earning and all and she felt it was more that she deserved. She was like he doesn’t look so good though. Now she didn’t meet the guy until 1 day before the engagement and she didn’t like him one bit. She called me and I tried to convince her that good looks and happiness are not related and all. But when I saw the guy, oh god! he looked like 10 years older to her and dark and fat and so not deserving. I was shocked, but she was upset so we(me and ‘B’) tried to make her feel its ok and all, make her laugh through the pics. It was terrible! She could have got an average looking guy also, but he was actually bad. I was so sorry for her. But hope there is something good in store and she finds happiness in life. She was going on saying about how she can say no anytime. don’t know what will happen there. Btw I wore a pink saree and looked gorgeous. 🙂 really! a little chubby, you know arms and tummy, but very pretty!! I love to say this and not cute. yay!!!

That’s been pretty much all. Somethings about work from past week too, but I’m too upset that it Monday again and can’t get myself to mention ‘work’ more than I already have, I feel I will start crying anytime. See the shock that idiotic creep has left. God! I’m so sensitive right now, even a mouse could make me shriek! I know its funny!!! 🙂 but true!

Quite a week! lol!!   

 PS: was listening to few sad songs and now have moved to little upbeat type. Sounds like I’m getting out of shock. lol!! 🙂 

 

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Stop beating around the bush

that’s just exactly what I need right now. I so need to clear my head and actually realize and know ‘What I really want?’ How much ever time it takes, I need to know this. I don’t care, if I spend 5 years trying to know it. Actually that’s too much time, but considering it took me 2 years to get over the hangover of a 3years serious relationship and sometimes I still ask myself that ‘Am I over it totally? How can I be sure?’, so I think I don’t mind 5 years. What I mind is ‘not knowing?’ , the confusion in your head, the analysis, the million questions and no answers. I mind that, I don’t want that. I’m not the person who can live in doubts, I’m clear as a crystal, here or there, I am what you see, I will tell you what I am, I am not, not at all ‘what I’m not’. I can’t be that, I can’t keep thinking ‘is this me?’ about everything I do, I can’t keep questioning my wants and likes, it will bruise my soul, my beliefs, my heart. And somewhere I feel that it already has, a little bit.

I need to stop here.

Breathe! Be with myself and know myself and love every bit of it. I can’t move ahead without it, not even one step, maybe a few steps back if it takes, but not ahead.

I’m talking about matters of the heart and relationships.

 

I thought I was okay with this dating, but its all so uncomfortable. Maybe its just the wrong person I’ve met, but I really don’t know what I want. And how do I know this? well, listen to read more if you’re not tired of my ranting yet.

I have no feelings for him, yet I talk to him early mornings and late nights and message him through the day.

I like to spend time with him, I like the feeling, but I don’t like it later. later if I check his pics on facebook I don’t feel nice, I’m like ‘really? with this guy?’

I hate that he is dominating, but I go along with it. I don’t stop him. i talk when i don’t want to. Yesterday, I had a bad cold and headache and he kept talking till 4am and I mentioned couple of times that I got a bad headache and he’s like ‘aww baby’ and would start again. He knows I  go to work early 7am and when I remind him he says 5 min more and then being inconsiderate as ever, he goes on till another hour. I talk too, but hello? what about a little consideration? I’ve been sleeping  4-5 hours average over the past few weeks. Fuck man! and all this is when I don’t even feel for him. He’s bloody manipulative. I hate manipulative.

 

I always feel he has that temperament of keeping the balance equal on both sides. He can’t go and do something and not expect anything from me. I get that feeling. can’t think of anything particularly, but you know na, when there’s this feeling of there has to be a give for every take. What if we’re not in a relationship? Can’t you just not expect so much. it’s pressurizing now. and I’m taking all this . Shit man!

 

Then there’s this whole thing about how he wants to get into my pants. Well I might have started the flirting and maybe also little stuff, but hello wait for the girl to get comfortable. He keeps talking about it on the phone and then I’m like I don’t want to say much so i listen and he’s like you don’t respond. What? How can you expect me to get into the same place that you are at? and if not then you’re annoyed and i explain. no! Not at all! I won’t ! I don’t owe you any explanation!

I think he just doesn’t posses any basic mannerism and I’m not going to teach him. Coz I care a damn!

Even if we’re being just dating type, you need to respect and behave and not make me feel like I’m here for something that is not decent and that you can persist me into anything.

I need to stop here. And know what I want. BUt this isn’t anywhere close to what I want i know for sure. Am just going to talk to him now. hope I’m not screaming and he understands and we can be friends. if not the F*** it all.

phew! that feels good now. I know too much personal stuff, but hey thats why this space exists. It’s global, yet personal to me.

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Dating Don’ts..by me

After being 1 dating experience old, I think I have gained some knowledge on what we should ‘NOT TO DO’ and thought I should spread these words of wisdom, coz girls n guys if you’re not doing anything on this list then you’re NOT headed to end up like me, which btw is not so bad but yes, feeling stupid, immature, reperating  my adolescent mistakes while being not-so-adolsescent, and more of stupid please.

You got it! So here’s the wisdom list. It’s separate for guys and gals, coz you know I like clarity *haha.. now is not the time for me to support this statement, but I will stick to it, I like clarity and bullet points too. Ad yes, I’m not reasoning all of them, just few confusing ones maybe.

Dating Don’ts for Girls:

– Never ever talk over the phone for more than an hour. No matter how tempting the conversation, how much ever fn you’re having, don’t cross the 60 min mark.

– Never bring up the conversation of ‘how many ex -girlfriends did you have?’ And if he asks you this, then please dump him, he has no manners at all.

– Keep the conversation light and less personal, by personal I mean, don’t cling onto every it of similarity in interests that you discover. you know, you might find all the treasure gold coins first and then see the dark sea monster. (Dun knw where dat came from, in my head I see Pirates of the Carrabiean right now)

– Do not forget to keep the hunt on, else you start getting lazy and then maybe it will also put you take some crap stuff from the guy coz you’re too lazy to start the whole search again. Duh! Don’t leave the loop, stay in the game , always!!

– Decide in your head what you don’t want for the first few weeks/month (your choice).  If you mean to generally know him, then make them mostly coffee dates or lunch dates. If you’re in for some fun as well, then late evening coffees and early dinners work. But never my dear friends, go for late dinners before you know you for sure that you want to see more of this guy (and if you think about it then, this might be applied in literal sense too.. lol! ).

– Never make more than 1 future date plans, like  ‘oh, we should got there sometime, I’ve heard it’s a great place!’. Girl wait up! You might not want to go the next time, so as difficult as it is for us to keep our brilliant ideas and talents to ourselves, save this for later, i.e if there will be one.

– We know you’re so talented and sweet, so let him discover it slowly and that will make it steady. It’s okay to want the other person to like you and see all the good in you, but you definitely need to take that slowly. What’s the rush, if he’s any good you’ll have plenty of time to share stuff.

– I know this is difficult, but please don’ keep high expectations on how this(date/relationship/conversation) will turn up. Even better, don’t expect anything, just don’t think about ‘what is going to happen’ and pull yourself to ‘waht is happening’. This will help, trust me.

– Don’t mention about him to your friends or family, atleast not until you are dating steady for more than 2-2.5 months. Much of the disillusion of charm and romance fogs your vision for that long I think.

– Meet him in groups also, not always alone.

– When meeting in group, introduce him as your friend. It makes sense!

– Don’t agree to everything he says and don’t disagree to everything either. Just don’t let him get so casual with you that he questions your decision, which will make you want to explain the reason to him, which is totally not required. He gets so much importance here.. notice!

– Keep reminding yourself, it’s just dating. He might be saying the same things to other girls also, and even if he’s not take you time. Whats the rush.

– Most important- be yourself! Don’t try to be what you’re not just to get compliments or fit what type he likes, eventually you will be youself and then it might not be the quick get out of it exit. If you’re a jeans girl then stick to it baby, don’t get that sexy sultry dress to make him go ‘oohhhh’, if he likes you and knows the person you are he will eventually be more than ‘oohhh’ and feel lucky to be with you. I don’t mean don’t dress up, do but be who you are. Be yourself girls., you’re one of a kind!  (btw this point just got scrapped as timeout on login and had to re-write it! I think the first time one was better. )

Coming up shortly ‘Dating Don’ts for Boys’…

P.S: this is totally from girls POV, so boys read on.. this will be very helpful..and brutally honest (I love this word.. it describes me)

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If you know what I mean..

I mean to tell you all about how I got where I am today i.e in the dating scene, but considering what happened today (read to end), I’m not to be blamed if things go off track.

 

So, here’s the thing, I was in a 3 years full-time selfless-you-are-my-all relationship and it ending up with me being scared of how seriously I get involved and how that is so not good for me.

 

Now what these kind of things do to you is, either take away your belief  from existence of love or leave you doubting yourself so much so, that you don’t even trust what you decide with open eyes and in sense, it feels like everything you decide will be wrong in the end.

 

As you might have guessed, I got into the second catagory.It all left me feeling stupid, so stupid that I couldn’t see that you always have to keep your mind opens to possibility that ‘this isn’t going to work’, especially when I could clearly see what I wanted was so different from what I had. I fell in love. Selfless, I planned my life around him, I believed that he filled that void in my life which was waiting for a man to come and take care of me. I loved him so much that it became difficult to love myself, coz these two parts of me wanted different things in life. i did understand that if I can’t make myself happy then I won’t be able to make anyones happy either.

 

We always come out of anything, only after leave something behind and taking something new. But when you leave a part of your belief on love or self-trust / confidence behind, it takes time..

I became frustrated with relationships, it hurt, I left it all. I even became the one who would always make fun of these couples in love and their shy and romantic behaviour. This continued for almost 2 year, until I started to feel that I’m missing something, being normal, being able to mingle with people, be what a 24-year-old should be.

I thought about it and though I was ok to go on into it all.. again… I met someone and started dating him. Things were all good till we met, and then every time we meet something was happening, something that I wouldn’t like. And then I go ahead and give it another chance. Maybe I’m ignoring what is going on in front of me, because I want it to right and why I want that is also very confusing cause it seems that I’m holding onto this one because I want to make sure that I have forgotten the past and moved on. It’s like a self-assurance I needed to convince myself. But I also wanted to check how this was, you know maybe get back the lack of trusting my own judgement, but maybe I found the wrong guy for it all.

 

What Happened today:

It’s too embarrassing to even say, so I won’t. But I saw something beautiful turn ugly, withing seconds.   And this time there is no ignoring it, coz it can’t be ignored. I have to decide on whether this will go on or not and the thing is that I don’t have nothing positive against all the  negative stuff. Nothing! and yet I’m thinking of how will it be to be back ? same i guess.. And even without any emotional stuff involved  this seems complicated. I thing I will end it all, even though we’re not in any trouble now, but still. It’s sad. Mom and sis are both against him/

Sad! also sad songs going on itunes..

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Pulling the reins

It’s funny how you know it all and yet there’s so less you can do to get it right.

I, for one, am too honest, about how I feel, who I am, what I like and what I don’t. I get so honest that I don’t even filter if teh the other person deserves or is trsut worthy of my honesty or not. This puts me in trouble, a lot of times.

Recently, with New Guy, after the last irritating incident I gave him a good blast over the phone. We spoke on the same night and after advice from friends, who said I should make him realize his mistake, I told him he was loosing his manners and treating me like I’m one of his home friends. He said he didn’t realize he was behaving so selfishly and then said sorry. He also said thanks for making him realize his mistake. ?? I didn’t get this at all. Anyways I was really mad and told him to talk about something else and we spoke for another hour or so (now I’m thinking I did too much talking and will lessen it all). He kept on saying sorry whenever he found the chance.

Then, you won’t believe this, he slept off on the phone while talking to me. WTF!!

He’s done this a few times before and then it was all too funny to get pissed off on, but this time it was too much. I simply disconnected the call and sent him a message that he slept off on the phone. He called up within 2 minutes and when I confronted him, first he clearly denied, then he’s like ‘yaa I don’t know why this happens to me’ .. happens to me?? Dude you slept off, it didn’t happen, you made it happen.. WTF!! When did I start become a magnet to guys with zero traits of mannerism and total ‘I don’t why this happens’ jerks?? God save me! I was super pissed off! I told him to sleep off if he’s sleepy and not do this again.

The next day I didn’t reply to his 2 goodmorning messages. Yes, I became the pathetic ‘goodmorning baby’ & ‘goodnight baby’ ass for a while, no more of that crap anymore. *smirkn at myself* lol! Anyways, so called him sometime in the evening and only spoke for a brief 2 minutes and then nothing. At night I spoke to him only like a friend,all casual stuff and no ‘baby’ stuff . Eww.. wats wrong with me!! He was again said sorry many times, I didn’t say its ok or anything. It wasn’t.  And now I was seriously considering putting an end to this lame attempt at dating and casual nonsense. I mean this was supposed to be fun and enjoyment and now all it was giving me was frustation and anger.. again WTF! Anywhow, then he called me early morning when I was still sleeping and I spoke to him for 10 min in my sleep where he was all baby and stuff but I didn’t respond. I called him after I woke up and told him that I didn’t remember anything. lol!

Later in the eveing, I so wanted to go out, you know somewhere with friends type or something and I was going out with sis and bro for some shopping so I replied to his text that if he wanted to go for a drive. He was all suprised and like yes sure sweety, my pleasure. So I told him to call me @ 8 and I’ll tell him where I am. Now isn’t that clear? You need to be nearby so can tell you where to pick me up from. So much for common sense, I reached home at 8:30 and called him to ask where he was and he was at his home.. WTF!! for the nth time. I was like what?? and then I was about to tell him that this is too much and we shouldn’ t be dating or talking anymore or something and it felt like he’s taking me way to for granted. Then he was like I’m coming to meet you. I said fine, coz I really wanted to meet him, I mean after talking so much on the phone and all the nonsense, you do feel like meeting and something in reality right? I know I’m sounding like an ass but what the heck.. its true.. So he came to pick me and then we went for a drive. He was looking very sulky, but i guess guys master that as the first few theings once they start dating, you know, how to look puppy type, in need of love and care.  Like every sweet girl my anger also melted away by looking at him and this is inspite of knowing that it was all all fake. Anyhow, we moved a little ahead and then instead of sitting into some crowded cafe decided on driving around, which I so was into because I knew what would follow. We talked about it and I told him that I didn’t feel good about it all and that I shouldn’t feel like this because we’re not into anythign so serious andits all supposed to be fun,  but there should not be any disrespectful behavior as that would make me feel cheap and I hate that. He said sorry many times and then we moved along, he showed off a little with his fast driving, which btw I totally like (I know teenage like.. but what to do. can’t help). So then he stopped 9as if I din’t know that) and we made out, like not too much but mostly kissing and a few hicky’s *Blush*. Then we moved along and took 2 cigrattes and smoked them while talking and I asked him for one honest confession and he made a big confession that he lies about where he lived coz he didn’t like that place, but I didn’t miind coz many of my friends live where he lives and its all in his head that its not good and all. It wasa bit shocking but he was feeling so relieved after telling me.. So cute.. God! Cute?? but it was.. I’m again behaving like an ass…should  stop now.

So next we moved back home around 11pm, where I got a hellof a scolding for having no sense and going out late with some guy that I hardly know and blah blah.. I know all this stuf.. but when you’re doing it then it dosen’t seem to reach your ears.. lol!

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If I don’t believe in love..

This is a really good song.. I love Dido’s all songs and especially ‘White Flag’. I like her voice, it’s so non-conventional, not too sugary sweet, that hoarse rough touch yet melodious. Really good!

I read this great and honest post, where a girl explained all about her past relationships and how they ended and what came out of it and its got me thinking. How much do I know about my past? Do I know what had exactly happened? Why I was there and why I left and what came out of it all?

I mean I know they didn’t work and all, but the point is ‘Did I learn the lesson the first time around, or will am I yet to learn it?’

I don’t know… So let’s try and get this sorted.

My first boyfriend was that in school days. I was a total knock out babe and he was cute. He followed me around when I went for evening walks and then came up to ask to be my friend and then after a few tantrums I agreed. We were friends for a while and then he said ‘I Love You’, which at that time meant you’re now officially boyfriend-girlfriend. I took it slow and he was rushing me ahead and at some point it felt like that was the only reason he was with me. It hurt! But then I don’t blame him, he was young and anxious to explore so much on two people being together and doing stuff. I was just scared. We had a really nasty break-up. I cried and yelled at him for tricking me into all of it just for the sake of his first experience  and all that on the phone (from an STD).. lol! God! I created so much of drama and we hadn’t even done it. Hell I was immature. But then what me and him shared was so much glossy and fairytale and perfect. All my friends looked up to us as ideal couple. We looked great together and spoke on the phone for hours. That’s it! It made me proud at some point, some stupid teenage feeling of ‘having it all’ had creeped in and when the reality wasn’t so ideal, I was pissed. But then there were much bigger troubles awaiting in line, my dad’s hospital ordeal started soon and then another one and half years of fighting the medical sciences and human body diagnosis. I lost him. I really felt so alone. I wish that ideal boyfriend was there to be with me, just hold my hand, a shoulder to cry out loud in front of. But then with no one around it all made me so strong. I met this guy later after about 3 years, when I was with another guy. We got talking and then he asked me ig he was better or my current guy. Asshole! We spoke for a while until he behaved exactly as weirdly like earlier days, he bought me a gift for my birthday but I paid as he was not carrying cash or something and then he just vanished. Bloody hell! Got a message after long time, but I was done with my share of dealing with cheap guys! literally cheap!

what did I learn – I think ‘do not go ou with Cheap guys! never! ever!’ anything else?

 

My second so-called boyfriend was again in school, around my twelfth standard and he came to our place along with an uncle who was an astrologer of something. Later we exchanged numbers and then we started talking. Although he wasn’t very sure of whom he wanted to talk to i.e between me and sis, but since I had responded so we got talking. I used to like talking to him but only for sometime. He was super cute and handsome, but apart from that boring and dumb. God! after a few days which seemed like ages I was in tears and wanted to get out of it all. Never have I found someone so intolerable. Anyways, finally once he did a stupid mistake and I caught hold of it and dragged it on and made it a reason to break up with him. Phew!!

what did I learn -never data a dumb cute guy. It’s just too exhausting to have meaningless conversations for hours… tiring!

 

My third boyfriend was the one in college. He was so not good-looking, I think at one point I even called him ugly i.e, before I knew him. My friends started teasing me with his name, like you’re gonna be with that ugly dude, and somehow later I started to feel what if. I was so innocent, I thought I knew everything. He approached me and then we started dating and before I knew we were together and I was so attached to him. He was a sweetheart. Really! A gem of a person, but then there are things that should not be ignored. He wasn’t at all passionate about his career and then his family was so small-minded. I tried to ignore everything but after 3 years of going through the cycle of  love- made for each other-can’t live without-together forever-fighting-patching-fighting-patching, the final question is ‘Are you good to be with each other?’ and I knew we weren’t. I have too much passion for the one life I have, to give it up for a simple and sweet person. I can’t kill my dreams and if you aren’t willing to take the run with me and just slog behind, I’m sorry! He didn’t want to end it and even when I tried being friends he would always come back to asking if we could be together again. But I knew that I would never be happy with him, with so much compromise. So I cut all contacts with him. We have a few common friends and I hear he’s ok. He also asks about me sometimes. I hope he’s over me, I know he wasn’t until quite sometime. But seriously I pray he is. I know I am over him, but just that I don’t think I can trust anyone as blindly as him.

what did I learn – Don’t ignore everything else just because 1 thing is so good, no matter how good.

 

Lets hope I keep this in mind and not repeat my mistakes! But I still feel that I don’t really know what I want. I mean in my head I know, but then I also know that I might just settle for something less.

Like this New Guy i’ve been dating, he doesn’t have so many things that I wanted in a guy, and yet after knowing it all I’m continuing to date him. Although it’s all a time pass, but even then I mean. Maybe I’m not sure I deserve that good a guy. Don’t know! But with New guy things are so confusing, I like talking to him, but I don’t like all that romantic imaginative stuff too much, I find him attractive when I meet him but not when I think of him later, I want him to pamper me but not get attached or sentimental about it, I want to have a good time but don’t want him to treat me without respect like only fun type, I want to spend time with him (until I find someone else) but not at all close to being his girlfriend. God!

 

Confusion na! I know… lets just keep it light for now!

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Late night / early morning post

Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. 🙂 We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

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