Monthly Archives: December 2010

Is Compromise a synonym to Life???

It’s 8am in the morning, a cold and wet morning of end of december, people are looking at party plans for new year, I’m thinking of party plans for new years and then I’m thinking, Is Life a Compromise? Always?

I’ve heard this so many times, from so many people, these people are mostly mature and grown ups, always married and only talking about compromises. But why I ask? Why do we need to compromise? We decide, we choose, we pick the option, so why pick the one where you don’t get what you want?

I myself am not in the position I would like to be in life, but then there is a sense of fulfillment coz I’m doing what I should, so I won’t call this a compromise, its  more like a ‘no other option’ thing for me. What I’m talking about is Choices we make.

Lets take an example, marraige. Now I’m ok with the thing that you don’t everything perfect in a person, but then I’m not ok with putting yourself and what makes you happy second to anything else. I’ve heard from the all the married people, that in a marraige, you need to do things you don’t like too. Why? What is wrong with standing up for youself and saying ‘I won’t do what I don’t want to’ and if you do agree on it, then its not compromise honey, its either you’re a wuss or to lazy to work out things for what you want.

Why would I choose a life knowing that I would be regretting this decision every moment?

Maybe I am not mature and I know I have no clue of how marraige works, but I do know that only and only if I’m happy, can I make someone else happy.

What do you say?

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Mood Swings..so Good or so Bad!

——————–earlier saved draft— (i hate myself to draft and then not post)—————————————————-

I’ve been noticing a trait of myself recently.. MOOD SWINGs.. I never had them before, atleast not such major and hyper ones, and later I thought they are supposed to accompany PMSing. But now I’m noticing its often happens that I’m super excited about the smallest things or horribly sad over smallest of things.

I’ve been really moody for the past couple of months, and when I say moody what I  mean is ‘siwtching between realisations that ‘I’m happy’ or ‘ sad’, very often. Also, switching between realisation that ‘I’m content’ and ‘feeling a hole in my life’ .

Well, I was super excited to be dancing in couple for the first time in my life. So so excited!! and the dance was Tango!! C’mon I mean I’ve never danced like that with a guy..it was something I saw on dance shows ! I was so excited about it that when we had our first extra class rehearsal I could hardly sleep all night. All I was doing in my mind was Tango!!  I was talking about how exciting it would be to everyone. Also choosing partners was ladies choice, so I took a guy who was cute, tall and yes younger than me but really sweet. I had noticed him months back when I joined the class, but not in I-like-him way, but more of I-would’ve-been-younger-then-I-would-surely-go-for-him way. Anyways, after the first class, we were to meet on extra class kina thing to practice more and when I reached there the cute younger boy was not there, he was late, so I had to start practice with some other guys, and when he came, my instructor paired him with this other younger girl. Hmmph!

Okay yeah I was upset about it, but I was happy that I’m still in the tango. I was happy about it for 3 days. Then today I go for class and the final partners were to be decided.

The next class we were to get our final partners. I got a guy who looked like that hero from the movie ‘footloose’ BUT he didn’t want to do tango. Every time we practiced he kept throwing  his hands and legs and saying I don’t want to do this. WTF!!! I was ok with it for a while but after many times of same reaction I snapped at him, I told him if he didn’t want to dance he should tell the instructor and I can find a new partner. He thought I felt bad and started defending saying that it was not because of me or anything, it was just that he didn’t like the dance form and he was more fond of Jazz Funk style. Hmmph!!! Now I was super upset! I even posted on my facebook status that I was stuck with a dance partner who didn’t wana dance. Thankfully he was not added to my friends list else that would be super rude, but my instructor was added and I’m not sure if he noticed it or not. I even told my instructor that this guy seems uncomfortable, so if he can tell me if these are the final partners or not? He told me we were just 1 class old couple and he would loosen up eventually.  Still not happy me!!!

————-continue to current————–

Well, now after atleast 6-7 classes and practices, he seems ok, not too happy but Ok. There’s a audition for the tango couples today evening, as only 3 couples get to go on stage, so I asked my partner frankly if he will dance properly or intentionally bad and get us out, he said he didn’t want to do it earlier, but he knows I really wanna go on stage for tango, so he will do it rightly. Thanks!!

Also, a weird thing happened, my instructor asked me if he could borrow 2K from me coz he lost his wallet in the studio. I was so caught I said ok. He’s supposed to return it today, I hope he does.

It’s a weird thing..money!! It always strains relationships/respect/love/friendships.  

That was all about the dance in my life.

Apart from that the mood swings are still killing me. Office is super boring coz now I’ve moved to my original office (from my clients superb office) and here the floor is dull and sleepy, the food is crappy and transport is as late and uncomfortable as they can possiblly make it. Frankly speaking, I almost hate this organisation, and the only thing that is holding my patience and keeping me from completely hating this company, is the Hope that it will bring some good to me.  They have superb onsite options and I’ve seen my college seniors join here and travel the world on amazing locations and earn lots of green, all of  my favorite stuff. So, I HOPE it will bring that good to me to, waiting for next 6 months to get over, because they aparently have a clause that experienced professionals will get onsite option only after 1 year of joining. However, people do go before 1 year also, but I think its kina thing to hold people down for atleast a year. So that is why I’m bearing with all this bullshit place.

Another of my mood swings has been over my body and health. I joined the gym a month back and was super happy about it. I wasn’t totally regular but when I went, I was dedicated. I even lost 1 kg in a month. But when I look in the mirror a sadness takes over. I’ve been unhappy with myself for so long and its growing more and more. A jacket that I used to button and wear last winters, dosen’t button up today.Ohhh poor  me..I pity myself..I hate myself..I feel sooooo sad..suddenly every achievement of my life, everything I’m proud of , everything I am becomes a BIG ZERO!!! Then I go to gym, workout hard, feel really good. Then a look at the mirro, at the bulges, teh rolls of dat, the not fiting me now clothes..and sad..really SAD.. but I’m still trying..I will keep trying.. I keep telling myself I will get there.. I will look the way I want to..

About life being ‘content’ and ‘hole in my life’, thats still going now. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost track of where I am and where I want to go, and at other times I feel its ok, I am doing the right thing.

About hope for finding someone, I keep thinking whay would anyone want to be with me, I’m not super sweet and good natured, I’m not all slim and sexy, I’m not a millionaire..I can’t even afford to drive myself around. So Why would any guy want to be with me, love me, take care of me, drive me around. But I wouldn’t settle for anything less. I know.

These mood swings are weird and crazy. I keep jumping from one mindframe to other and I can’t control it.

Like today, the health sadness is at super roll, I’m feeling not so good about that and this workplace make me want to sleep or quit or something that has life in it. I’m meeting old pal A for lunch as he’s going on vacation for New Years.

New Years is again no plan, T is arranging a party at  his terrace, just like his before marraige cocktail party was. Its good but at New Years I feel caught between spending it at home with mom and sis or going out. God ! THe guilt kills me!If I enjoy, I feel mom n bro are home and not having fun, Guilt!! If I spend on myself, I feel that they have not spent so much on themselves, Guilt! Anything and everything makes me feel Guilty!! Its gotten into my veins, my brain, my heart! Crap I hate it! Why is there so much Guilt in me, whats wrong with me?  I’m doing everything I can to make their – ours life better…why can’t I enjoy myself?

Grumpy..is d mood I am in now….shit…I hate all this….I want to evaporate..just get out of her…

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Suddenly.. I have a social life!!

Hey there..meet the ‘so-busy-with-a-social-life-ME’.

 

So after K came back from London, its seeming to be little bit the way I thought in my mind it should. You know, meeting friends, having things to do, going places and all. Also, N has moved to Delhi last week, so some expectations there too are coming to real, but the thing is ..its all coming together!!!

 

Just last weekend, I met T and K over lunch, with T’s new wife J. It was brief and quick and after that K,me and sis went for coffee and then I came back home and went for dance class, where I was so disappointed coz my partner got changed from younger-than-me-but-really-cute-guy to younger-than-me-but-so-not-interested-in-dancing-with-me-guy. It was horrible!! It killed me to dance with a guy making faces and just before we start, throwing his hands and saying he doesn’t want to dance. God! I was so pissed off! Then Sunday I went with Arif and sis to watch movie, but landed up with Lunch and coffee thing, then went to S.N.Market (flea market) and reached back home at night.

 

I took monday off and then the entire week has been sooo dragy, with some uncomfy changes at work and stuff. Today K called to ask if we wanted to go for this Rock Band performance at Saket and we did. I reached home, washed my hair, went to Saket, had hookah there, then went to Def Col and had sambar at Sagar Ratna(coz I didn’t wana eat). I missed gym today and felt guilty but then didn’t hog outside food either, so balanced out.

N just found me on Facebook and asked if I’m up with going clubbing tomorrow. I said ‘Yes’ but feel overloaded now. I want to sit and relax(like always). I’ve got dance class in evening, then I’ll come backa nd bath and change for clubbing, which will go on till morning and then be back home. Nothing planned for Sunday though, but I’m sure something will be there. Oohh ya..was thinking of meeting the tattoo guy for his thoughts over my tattoo idea.

 

Earlier I used to feel that a weekend with party and clubbing is well enjoyed, and now, I’m feeling like if I don’t relax over weekend how can it be enjoyed?

 

K and T are also planning this Udaipur trip over next weekend. I so wanna go out of Delhi.. Take a break..

 

But the point is that now I do have some plans..should I get a planner for myself already?. will I keep up to the pace of having a social life?

 

Lets see….

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In a long time..

In a long time I am posting from office today. My work stack is over and done with and nothing else is execpected to come my way for a few more days. Phew!! A relief I tell you.

I’m feeling particulary ‘Hopefull’ today. The way I feel every winter, every once in a while, the way I feel when I know life is going to take the right turn very soon, the way I feel when I believe without facts, the way I feel when I know I am going to get to where I want. Lot of Hopes! and what makes this feeling more warm is the believe and trust it brings within me. Its like I could walk blindfolded knowing exactly where to reach (would never do that in real).

Why the sudden bost of positive? No clue..

I told you winters always makeme hopeful, romantic, up for a challenge, silly, cozy and cuddly.

Taking of romance, there is no sign of it in my life. Even flirting seems to have said goodbye for good. I will forget to smile mysteriously (my pet), if someone is here soon.

I’ve been feeling content for sometime now. I even posted that as my fb status few weeks back and it has remained that way. I don’t feel the sudden pang to rush, do something, feel horrible, call my life hell, feel like useless life passing away. I don’t feel that at all. The ‘Hopeful Me’ has beat up the ‘Feel Pathetic about myself Me’.

I realize that I am doing good at work, which will further take sometime to move me in the direction I want (NY), I’m doing justice to myself by giving time to the things I wanted to do (guitar, jazz), I’m taking care of my family and not sulking about it and I’m seeing that I love them and silently observe them being happy when I’ve done something good for us, I am concerned about my health too, although not continuously working on it, but still I haven’t given in to ‘let it be, we’ll see later’, I do try to take care and yes I do fall out of it also, but then I gather my guts and will and strike back. And this time I’m determined to go all the way, put every bit of my strong will (that i feel so proud of) on the stake and keep going until I’m the person I want to see in the mirror.

Life is good. Slowly and steadily I will learn the other things that I avoid too (taxes, paperwork, savings, money mgmt).

I’ve also come to ease out on myself you know. Understood myself and really listen to what I want. Earlier I used to push myself over things and in return I felt being pushed around, not worthy, bad. Past few weeks I’ve really started listening to myself, that voice in me that whispers the most true words. I’m going easy on myself and I deserve to take care of myself. IF I can’t treat myself well then how will anyone else?

It wasn’t so much of a consious decision, but just something that happened and brought me peace. I’m accepting the things I can’t do and not blaming or cursing myself over it. I’m being who I am and trying to learn more about me. Again its not so much of consious things that I sitt down and do, but as I’m writing it down, I’m realizing that I am doing this and its only because it feels good and calm that I continue to reach out to inner me and accept it.

I do sometimes start panicking and feel how I should suddenly start doing everything right now, everything that I can, everything I can’t and make excuses for, and then I tell myself to relax. It works! My mind has accepted the fact that I function better when calm and eased nerves.

See that’s why I love to blog..it makes me aware of things happening in my life and it makes me realize. My words make my life sink into me.

 

Talking about words, I’m thinkig about my book. I am not at all working on it. I have about 2500 words there saved on my pc, but somehow I’m not able to go further. I’m not very clear on it and I don’t want to do build anything that I am not convinced about. Evertime I think of taking it ahead my consistent thought is ‘Writer about something you k now’ and I’m not sure what I know. I’m still thinking about it, something that even though is fiction, is something that I KNOW. It may drive the plot, the story, the characters, into a totally new direction. I have to find ‘What I Know’. And I know that in the right moment I will realize it, just like that, when I’m not even focusing on it, it will come out of my soul and touch m. And then I would know ‘This is it, this is what I know’. (you see how I’m not pushing myself at all..I’m behaving with myself  🙂 )

This concept of ‘things will come to you at the right moment’ , I read this somewhere in some series of ‘The Secret’ and  I think my mind has accepted it very believingly and I realized it  in very recent time. I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo for ages, I think since college first year, so its been 6-7 years now (OMG..just calculated that) and I haven’t got it yet. Why? you ask. Well, college was all about no money so no question of spending 3-4K on tattoo. When I started working I put this down under my New Year Resolutions list and started looking at what I wanted to get down. I knew the things important to me and what I wanted the tattoo to mean and remind me of, but what image would present all of these things together was what I was not sure of. I wanted a tattoo at which everytime I look it reminds me :

             – Death is part of life – coz I am still not totallly acepted my father’s death. It still feels unfair and painful and hurtful. I want to know that it is something we all are born to go through.

          – Reassurance that ‘this too shall pass’, where ‘this’ is whichever hardship times I am in – I want it to remind myself that life does move on and in the big picture, whichever hardship I’m going through, is not going to last forever, even though it feels like forever in the moment.

         – Humility – coz I feel and have also been told by mom and sis that many times I get too proud and hurt people and sometimes hurt myself too. It always makes me doa nd say things I would never say otherwise. Pride does bring doom and as my mom says, it was the reason behindmy dad’s fall too, one of his weakest characteristics. I want to be humble and down to earth.

          – Hope for new life. I need to feel loads of it! Hope for Love, life, happiness, future, sucess, a beautiful feeling and something to believe.

I searched the World Wide Web for months, I looked at buddhist symbols, creatures (phoenix), chinese symbols, other designs, sanskrit shloks, sanskrit symbols, more designs, but none said to me what I wanted to hear.  (You see how I used to push myself!)

Last month our company did really well in business, and a part of our variable salary comes on quarterly basis driven by company’s performance (that’s the max detail I can handle out of the complicated salary structure), so we all knew that this month we’ll get some good extra bucks. I thought of getting a tattoo with the extra bucks and casually started looking at designs. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I knew whatI wanted the tattoo to be. A BLACK ROSE (with the real feel not tribal) that is not fully open and not a bud, but opening up and blossoming, and over it a colorful and beautiful butterfly. Also a no stems, leaves with the rose, instead a few lines running around it in a music lyrics notes type art , not music notes though. I quickly searched the black roses and butterfly and saved all the images that could help me describe exactly what I want to the artist. Now coming to the artist, I had 2 tattoo artists added to my fb list, one via common friend, and one was the first’s friend. They keep posting their work and pics and I really liked the 2nd ones work.

I met him online yesterday and asked him if getting the tattoo now would afftect it, if I lost weight, coz that I will in be lossing much of it in the coming months. His response was that until I’m planning to be half of what I am it should be ok. I have never met this guy, lets call him ‘Max’ and he said I should meet him so he can advice properly.

Also I am not sure of where to get the tattoo, a very strong opinion in the front of my shoulder, coz there is not much fat there and I wantit to be at a place where I can show it too and not have to hide it, but then again, my arms are not most impressive, so if to show the tattoo I wear something offshoulder or strappy, the arms may take away the beauty of it all. 😦

So that’s the llong story of my finding what tattoo I want. I will Max his or next weekend and then decide. I’m still little unsure on how much it will cost me and that will drive the decision very much.

That’s all for the hopefull and happy me today!!! (phew…tired of writing soo much..but glad I did.)

Enjoy life!!!

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