In a long time I am posting from office today. My work stack is over and done with and nothing else is execpected to come my way for a few more days. Phew!! A relief I tell you.
I’m feeling particulary ‘Hopefull’ today. The way I feel every winter, every once in a while, the way I feel when I know life is going to take the right turn very soon, the way I feel when I believe without facts, the way I feel when I know I am going to get to where I want. Lot of Hopes! and what makes this feeling more warm is the believe and trust it brings within me. Its like I could walk blindfolded knowing exactly where to reach (would never do that in real).
Why the sudden bost of positive? No clue..
I told you winters always makeme hopeful, romantic, up for a challenge, silly, cozy and cuddly.
Taking of romance, there is no sign of it in my life. Even flirting seems to have said goodbye for good. I will forget to smile mysteriously (my pet), if someone is here soon.
I’ve been feeling content for sometime now. I even posted that as my fb status few weeks back and it has remained that way. I don’t feel the sudden pang to rush, do something, feel horrible, call my life hell, feel like useless life passing away. I don’t feel that at all. The ‘Hopeful Me’ has beat up the ‘Feel Pathetic about myself Me’.
I realize that I am doing good at work, which will further take sometime to move me in the direction I want (NY), I’m doing justice to myself by giving time to the things I wanted to do (guitar, jazz), I’m taking care of my family and not sulking about it and I’m seeing that I love them and silently observe them being happy when I’ve done something good for us, I am concerned about my health too, although not continuously working on it, but still I haven’t given in to ‘let it be, we’ll see later’, I do try to take care and yes I do fall out of it also, but then I gather my guts and will and strike back. And this time I’m determined to go all the way, put every bit of my strong will (that i feel so proud of) on the stake and keep going until I’m the person I want to see in the mirror.
Life is good. Slowly and steadily I will learn the other things that I avoid too (taxes, paperwork, savings, money mgmt).
I’ve also come to ease out on myself you know. Understood myself and really listen to what I want. Earlier I used to push myself over things and in return I felt being pushed around, not worthy, bad. Past few weeks I’ve really started listening to myself, that voice in me that whispers the most true words. I’m going easy on myself and I deserve to take care of myself. IF I can’t treat myself well then how will anyone else?
It wasn’t so much of a consious decision, but just something that happened and brought me peace. I’m accepting the things I can’t do and not blaming or cursing myself over it. I’m being who I am and trying to learn more about me. Again its not so much of consious things that I sitt down and do, but as I’m writing it down, I’m realizing that I am doing this and its only because it feels good and calm that I continue to reach out to inner me and accept it.
I do sometimes start panicking and feel how I should suddenly start doing everything right now, everything that I can, everything I can’t and make excuses for, and then I tell myself to relax. It works! My mind has accepted the fact that I function better when calm and eased nerves.
See that’s why I love to blog..it makes me aware of things happening in my life and it makes me realize. My words make my life sink into me.
Talking about words, I’m thinkig about my book. I am not at all working on it. I have about 2500 words there saved on my pc, but somehow I’m not able to go further. I’m not very clear on it and I don’t want to do build anything that I am not convinced about. Evertime I think of taking it ahead my consistent thought is ‘Writer about something you k now’ and I’m not sure what I know. I’m still thinking about it, something that even though is fiction, is something that I KNOW. It may drive the plot, the story, the characters, into a totally new direction. I have to find ‘What I Know’. And I know that in the right moment I will realize it, just like that, when I’m not even focusing on it, it will come out of my soul and touch m. And then I would know ‘This is it, this is what I know’. (you see how I’m not pushing myself at all..I’m behaving with myself 🙂 )
This concept of ‘things will come to you at the right moment’ , I read this somewhere in some series of ‘The Secret’ and I think my mind has accepted it very believingly and I realized it in very recent time. I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo for ages, I think since college first year, so its been 6-7 years now (OMG..just calculated that) and I haven’t got it yet. Why? you ask. Well, college was all about no money so no question of spending 3-4K on tattoo. When I started working I put this down under my New Year Resolutions list and started looking at what I wanted to get down. I knew the things important to me and what I wanted the tattoo to mean and remind me of, but what image would present all of these things together was what I was not sure of. I wanted a tattoo at which everytime I look it reminds me :
– Death is part of life – coz I am still not totallly acepted my father’s death. It still feels unfair and painful and hurtful. I want to know that it is something we all are born to go through.
– Reassurance that ‘this too shall pass’, where ‘this’ is whichever hardship times I am in – I want it to remind myself that life does move on and in the big picture, whichever hardship I’m going through, is not going to last forever, even though it feels like forever in the moment.
– Humility – coz I feel and have also been told by mom and sis that many times I get too proud and hurt people and sometimes hurt myself too. It always makes me doa nd say things I would never say otherwise. Pride does bring doom and as my mom says, it was the reason behindmy dad’s fall too, one of his weakest characteristics. I want to be humble and down to earth.
– Hope for new life. I need to feel loads of it! Hope for Love, life, happiness, future, sucess, a beautiful feeling and something to believe.
I searched the World Wide Web for months, I looked at buddhist symbols, creatures (phoenix), chinese symbols, other designs, sanskrit shloks, sanskrit symbols, more designs, but none said to me what I wanted to hear. (You see how I used to push myself!)
Last month our company did really well in business, and a part of our variable salary comes on quarterly basis driven by company’s performance (that’s the max detail I can handle out of the complicated salary structure), so we all knew that this month we’ll get some good extra bucks. I thought of getting a tattoo with the extra bucks and casually started looking at designs.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I knew whatI wanted the tattoo to be. A BLACK ROSE (with the real feel not tribal) that is not fully open and not a bud, but opening up and blossoming, and over it a colorful and beautiful butterfly. Also a no stems, leaves with the rose, instead a few lines running around it in a music lyrics notes type art , not music notes though. I quickly searched the black roses and butterfly and saved all the images that could help me describe exactly what I want to the artist. Now coming to the artist, I had 2 tattoo artists added to my fb list, one via common friend, and one was the first’s friend. They keep posting their work and pics and I really liked the 2nd ones work.
I met him online yesterday and asked him if getting the tattoo now would afftect it, if I lost weight, coz that I will in be lossing much of it in the coming months. His response was that until I’m planning to be half of what I am it should be ok. I have never met this guy, lets call him ‘Max’ and he said I should meet him so he can advice properly.
Also I am not sure of where to get the tattoo, a very strong opinion in the front of my shoulder, coz there is not much fat there and I wantit to be at a place where I can show it too and not have to hide it, but then again, my arms are not most impressive, so if to show the tattoo I wear something offshoulder or strappy, the arms may take away the beauty of it all. 😦
So that’s the llong story of my finding what tattoo I want. I will Max his or next weekend and then decide. I’m still little unsure on how much it will cost me and that will drive the decision very much.
That’s all for the hopefull and happy me today!!! (phew…tired of writing soo much..but glad I did.)