Couple of days back while going back home from office I saw a nomad. He had a garbage bag with him, his clothes, whatever could be seen, were dirty and torn, he had a quilt (with lots of patches) wrapped around his body, his hair grown long enough to reach his shoulders, all entangled and uncombed for years. He was crossing the street, which honked with speedy vehicles and rushing cars. He could have got hit, maybe even killed, but I couldn’t find fear anywhere close to him. he was calm, so calm that it made me nervous, he was just holding the bag and taking, taking small steps, looking down as if talking to the street, looking up once and never bothered to see what could happen. Its then that I realized what he had. He had ‘Nothing to loose’, ‘No lose to grieve’ and ‘No happiness to search’. he lived this moment and that’s all he cared. No past and no future, just Present.
It made me think and really think, what would life be without what we have now? How does one live with just this moment. It might sound crazy, but its true. If you want to live today let go of the fear of loosing. Its not yours and you cannot keep it with you. Its just there with you like your present. so don’t think of taking it anywhere. If it has to be, it will be and if not then it won’t.
Be alive today and rest destiny will decide.
I have always learnt things the hard way, not that i have thought of putting myself through hell , but it always turns out like this. From simplest of things to hardest of lessons..its always a hard way for me.
I’m working on a contract and it is a 6 months period before i become a permanent Employee. However this time is not fixed and totally depends on your manager( my manager has never finished any1’s contract before time). So few days back this pal of mine( shouldn’t call her dat) lets say acquaintance of mine, who had joined my company 45 dats after me(because she wasn’t good enough for it , she needed time to prepare and all that) got her contract over and me its been 5 months now. She got t over in 3 months and I will have to wait for another month. All this made me very angry and it was reasonable also.
Today she told me shes got the offer letter and it made me so irritated. Its done now and I know dat no matter how much i try i will not be able to change it. But still its the acceptance that is so difficult.
I just can’t make myself accept the fact that sometime ( or mostly) you never get what you deserve or not when you deserve. Life isn’t fair and being a true Libra i always find that the most unacceptable thing. I believe in being fair, to myself and others also.
It s high time i accept the facts of life. It only makes my life more difficult, my pain more deep and the experience too hurting. But all i can think of if ‘Its NOT FAIR!!’.
There isn’t a moment without a thought, not a second without and idea and not a light without a imaginary conversation. My mind is awake 24X7 and there’s no stop to it. It gets worse when i start blabbering everything( that can be) that comes into it.
I open my mouth and there it is.. random and brutal..not a fact or the truth.. just my own perception, my own way and it hurts that it hurts someone else. It shames of the years i lived and not learnt the control over myself, my thoughts, the way i present them and mostly because the pain I give by being so brutally honest.
I feel i should shut up now, write it down , talk to the walls, just let it out to someone anyone anything, just not the person it is about.
And so i said.. is what i dread…
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I have felt the pain
so hard and sharp
felt every beat
of that pumping heart
is it me or just this living me
that i feel it now and my heart goes out
i’ve known the smiles
the joy that shy
no reason it finds
light as a fly
it sinks in the ocean
n rises again
turning every bit of me
its not what it feels
its important that it does
to realize that you are alive
and have a heart
there’s mercy and anger
its polite and revenge
i see solitude and power
passion and insane
its a heart n my heartfelt
until im dead again..