Monthly Archives: January 2009

No more questioning my wiritng skills.

It s been a long while since I have been thinking of taking up writing. Its just that whenever I sit down with it, my mind starts to question each thought and if his is possible. There’s a constant critic in me about the what i write and many questions on if it is worth anything, am i capable of this, this being writing something that otherss would want to read. I don’t know! I’m not others. All i know know is that writing makes me happy, it releases all those blocked feeling s and thoughts and the day i don’t pen down a few thoughts i feel restless and missing on something.

Now writing blogs is different and here i simply write down my heart, but when i get to writing something that i want to get published i get really confused.

Recently, i completed a story and was carrying it in my bag for a week before i could gather the guts to show it to my sister. She’s more intellectual than me and i didn’t want a disappointment from her. She really liked it and said that i was good at it and that really make such a big difference. I was so happy, she actually liked it.

So I’ve decided I am not going to question myself for my writing anymore. I will start and keep writing till i want to end it and then hand it to others for opinion.

But first i need to decided something i feel passionate enough to write about.

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The 4th class

I went for the class and found that the batch prior to ours was on their last routine run. I was happy to reach before time and rushed to the changing room. I saw him ‘D’ move out when the batch finished and I went ahead to change. When I changed and came the warm-up has begun, so i joined at the end (as usual) and while doing my flat backs saw him sitting at the back of the room. I was so happy to see him. The three days had gone by really difficult. I was thinking of him most of the time. Whenever my mind had little time it would recall ‘D’. He is so cute.

I did mention about his pic on my office pc right. So i delete it only to restore it again. Now you’ll say I’m being stupid, yes, i agree. But the feeling is so amazing. I come to office really early in the morning and there aren’t much people around. So for those three days, i would quickly come and see his picture for along time. And it does grow on you. Again stupid but exciting. 

In the class after the warm-up, he joined us and said we would work on splits today. Now this is a very painful  and difficult one to get, having said that, I have always been in awe of it and wanted to get it right, even when i was not in ‘D’ batch. I would practice at home and could see myself getting closer to it every-time. So after we went into the maximum we could, he asked everyone to stay where they where and he would come to everyone personally and help. WOW! I waited for five minutes and realized i was at the last of the class, so i switched to the other side, he didn’t come even then. He would come to the people around me and then go to others, i again went back to the first side and then he came to me, the last in the class. He stood behind me, put his hands on my waist, started to push my waist down, my leg was hurting and i was trying to get it done, he slowly bent down and his face was hardly 3inches away from mine and he said me to breathe slowly, he started to breathe out to show me how and his breath was falling on my neck and cheek. When i felt his breath then i realized what was happening. this was ‘D’ so close to me and i turned my head to him to say something and saw his face so close. My heart was jumping with joy but I couldn’t look at him and told him i was at my maximum for the day.He left and went ahead. he asked everyone to do the same on the next side and he went over to see each one , again he came to me at the last and i was going dead by then as i had done two times the splits on each side already.  Then we had a new exercise and he again was to come to each one, but he didn’t come to me, the other instructor came and helped me. He came to help the girl right ahead of me, looked at me and went to someone else. I felt bad that he wasn’t coming to me but then while going back home i was thinking it might mean something coz i heard somewhere that when guys like a girl either they make extreme fun of her or they ignore her purposely. Hope that’s true. After the class i waited to talk to him and as there was a bunch of girls waiting he started talking to them. He looked at me at the last when the entire lot was finished (see ignoring majorly). He gave the feedback and mentioned my face looked blank when i dance. I’m wondering if he was speaking of the time when i look at him and dance or all the time, as mostly I’m looking at him in the mirror and yes i don’t smile then else it will be obvious that its for him. Anyways i was happy that he said something at least. 

I went back home with mixed feelings, remembering his breath on my face and him ignoring me too. Through the week i had been very anxious, i was thinking of him so much that i was hoping to see something happening, but then it struck my mind that out of so many hot girls that are after him why would he be attracted to me. ‘liking me’ is a possibility though as for that he would have to know me and i am sure that once guys get to know me they like me, but now the question was being attracted and somehow i have a perception that ‘looks’  play the most important role here. And I’m not very sure on myself for that. I mean I know I’m smart and cute, but there are so many perfect figure, slim and hot girls in our batch itself, so imagine the other batches he takes . So i was thinking about ‘why will he like me when there are so many other beautiful and perfect girls after him?’ this made me little sad but i was still happy to have these feelings for someone.

i spoke to my school time friend about this and she was so happy about the whole thing. We both related this to having a crush on some popular guy in school and yes it all feels like that. i told her how excited i feel and keep looking at him. She couldn’t stop laughing. She was happy that i was enjoying my time. i told her about the apprehensive feelings as well and she said that i should enjoy this time as much as possible as it doesn’t come often in our lives. i asked if she had any intuition that something will strike between us and she said that for now nothing should and i should enjoy these feelings and be happy. I understood her point but i know that even though i want something to be from his side, but at this point i have to enjoy my time. 🙂

I’m so happy! Btw next class cancelled as its a national holiday but i m waiting to see him again. 🙂

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A begining of complete ends.

I completed my first fiction short story today. I had completed it few days back but today i finally posted it off after many drafts and few changes. It was a short story of 2000 words and I’m glad I did complete it.

I have started writingbefore too but never completed anything. I would sometimes question my skills to an extent that i couldn’t fight doubts away with my confidence and that would put me off it completely. There have been times when I have forced myself to think and it made me feel so ‘wannabe’ that I could not pretend anymore that it wasn’t coming to me naturally,not now and would leave it there. Sometimes my ideas blurred after certain points, I would no more think of what i wanted to write about and start thinking of what people would like to read, which is very confusing because you know you can’t capture every-ones interest but you also don’t want to land up being the ‘nobody’, all this would mess my brain and story too.

But I’m glad that ‘finishing what I started’ is true for me today.

PS: I have submitted my first completed story for a writing contest. 🙂

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3rd Class. Whats going on??

I met him yesterday again and i even touched his hand when i hit him with the door and ran off without saying sorry (of-course unintentionally!). I waited in the class warm-up to see him come in and join us. He came andi watched him. When he’s around i keep looking at him, my eyes were moving with him and to him. When we were practicing the dance andas usual that being my favourite part  I had moved to the first row(just behind him) and i kept looking at him in the mirror. I love to observe him talk, move, the way his facial expressions change, how cute he looks and then i realized i was all smile :). I had to look to my toes and remind myself where i was and then i looked up again to see him. I am good at staring at him, i look at him in a way that it seems i am observing the dance and techniques he talking about, yes i do listen to all that, but i also admire him, try to take in as much as i can to remember till i see him again.

But i haven’t found a way to talk to him. He knows my name and i know his, but that’s it. I actually haven’t interacted to him one on one even as an instructor-student way, so how am i supposed to get ahead of that? He’s been busy and as i mentioned earlier he left early last time and even yesterday. he politely said sorry and said he would talk to us after next class, yes us, there was a bunch of class waiting to talk to him.

I reached home all the way just thinking about him. I was missing him already. But suddenly it felt painful. I questioned  myself was i good enough for him. Although i am not aware of the kind of person he is but even then i know he would be very nice and i give him very high standards for that. Now even i’m not a bad person, but am i good enough for him? Yes, looks do pull my confidence down here, I know that many good looking (better than me) girls keep falling for him and asking him out. I also think that i don’t feel very high about myself in this case, which has never happened earlier. I always was better than the guys i went out with and mostly had the idea ‘i can get whomever i want’. But now i am questioning myself and its difficult to reason yourself to being good enough. I know myself and more than anything i know my flaws too and now i am counting my good points and trying not to think of bad ones.

I always make fun of girls who completely loose their self worth after boys and if not loosing, then i am somehow questioning my self worth and i don’t like this idea at all.

Oh, if only this would be simple. I want to get to know him. And he fascinates me like no one else has, will this ever be true. It hurts to think it won’t and i can’t see how it will either. I only hope he likes me and wants to know me too, because i don’t have the strength and confidence to go after him and get my hopes broken.

But I’ll tell you this, its hurting already.

I think i need to take this more lightly and not think so much about it else it wil become an obsession. i just deleted his pic from my pc (ok i did look at it for 5 minutes before deleting). I wanted to enjoy this and I do, but when the thought of will it be true comes it not fun no more.

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2nd class with him.

So I went for jazz class yesterday evening. I said i will not be late and was not( well  5 minutes is ignorable right?). So when i reached he was outside the studio with his batch that has just finished the class. He was standing in front of the door and as i started moving towards the door, he looked at me  and reached out his hand to open the door (continuing his talk to the kids surrounding him).  Even i was reaching to open the door our hands almost touched before he took back his hand, if only i had been 5 seconds late they would have touched. The thought came to me instantly and i felt stupid and funny. I went into the changing room and there was a pair of jeans and Tee there, i thought they must be his, but i was not sure and didn’t touch them.  I changed and slipped at the end of the class (they had just started the warmup) . I kept looking into the mirrors at the front to see him when he comes in. I didn’t see him come in but when i turned around he was sitting just behind me on a chair, only a few step away from me, he was looking down at some papers in his hand and I so wanted to turn around and look at him, but that would only make a fool out of me so i didn’t. But i did steal glances at him in between the workout. 

He came in after our first session of workout and took lead from there. He makes the sets of  exercises so rigorous and pushes us to go for it. He’s great! In between the push ups he called my name and looked at someone else like last time, he corrected himself and asked where i was, i looked at him smiling and waved, and then he also revised the other new people’s names. I didn’t think that time but am now, did he say my name intentionally? It would be so great if that was true! 

Then we got on with the dance and i admired him more. I moved to the front row and looked at him like i was trying to observe the dance, yes i was, but i was trying to get more of him. It is amazing to see him dance. He’s so in control and free and the way he moved. Oh my god! The class ended before i knew it.He said he couldn’t talk to us as he had to leave for someplace.  I rushed to the changing room and heard a knock when i was in there, then i heard his voice ‘Is anyone inside?’,  I replied ‘ Ya, just a minute’. When i came out he was in front of me, his face looked confused and i couldn’t even smile  & just was looking at him. We must have been face to face for 5 seconds, his eyes directly looked into mine and I froze. I moved out quickly and saw the clothes in his hands were the same that i had seen when i came to change at beginging. Oh, i should have touched them, smelled his natural scent. Now I’m not a psycho, the feeling was somewhat like Linsay Lohan has in a movie (don’t remember the name now, its where she has a really bad luck and it gets switched with a kiss),  after the hero finds her dripping in a rain he helps her out and they go to his appartment. She puts in her wet clothes in laundry and he takes off his tshirt and give it ot her to put it in, then she smells the tshirt. That feeling. But i missed it.

After that i was picking up my stuff and he came out and his bag was very closed to mine, he asked me to excuse and i moved away, then from my back his voice came ‘can you jut move a little to that side’ and i moved away quickly as i heard his voice. Within this fraction of second I saw he had reached his left hand to give me a slight ‘move to side’ gesture on my waist, but I didn’t feel his hand as i had moved already, if only i was 2 seconds there I would have felt his hand. He picked his shoes and put them on. I wanted to stand and look at him, go and talk to him and I knew he was in a hurry so i didn’t. There was this girl following him around saying she had to speak to him and he said later, so she was basically pestering him.

I don’t wanna be one of those girls who follow him around. I want him to notice me and somewhere in my mind i am entertaining the idea that he already does notice me. Let me imagine this please, I’m happy that way.

I moved out of the room and started leaving, i knew he was going to come ot very soon, so i walked down the stairs even more slowly, but he didn’t come and i was finished with the staircase. I was walking out when i heard his bike start (i had guessed it would be his bike when i came in) and then in few minutes, his bike moved past me. He looked so good. He had his bagpack on and a black helmet and on his blue sports bike. Wow! I started thinking of how it would be to go on a ride with him. I thought about him all the way back home and when i was walking the staircase up to my place,  i kinna felt sad that i was not to see him for another 3 days. I have his his picture saved in my office pc (i took copied it from the dance academy’s  website), I take a look at it once in a while and adore him. I wish he felt the same for me. And i also wish that he is as good as a person on as i think he is, coz i don’t know who he is from the inside and the outside of a person sometimes is not what it seems.

Don’t really know what i want from all this, but lets hope something good turns out!

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My first class with HIM.

You know who I’m talking about ‘D’, my hopeless crush remember. So as i had said i was to join his batch on Monday and i did. I reached late and missed the warm up, but will never be late again. I joined just before he asked for the names of all the new ones to join his batch and after he introduction he asked why had we changed the batch. Well, there were -5 new GIRLS only. I knew my reasons and was pretty sure the rest also must have had some variable reason apart from the constant one that he ‘D’ was so hot and cute and they wanted to see him often. So does he have no idea how many girls like him. I think I read his scraps on orkut (well , i went to check if he’s single ,which he is, and then took a look at the scraps too), he had so many girls writing to him, few i found said they or some of their friend was interested in him. I think he knows, but he was just being modest. Well mostly replied that the time was not suiting them like me.

Then we began the floor exercises( we have to lie on our backs throughout). He was very good at instructing and explaining. He kept calling out my name and giving directions, but he wasn’t looking at me, so i assumed there was someone i shared my name with in the class. He came too me once, while i was in between a exercise, he held my knees and showed me how to go a little further and stretch more and my god, I couldn’t get my eyes off him. I was in an awkward position, with my back on the floor, knees both bending in the opposite directions and my head slightly tilted up to see him. 🙂 It was funny. As soon as he moved on i had to press my lips hard to stop my smile.

The class ended and he was giving tips and explaining more stuff. Then he gave away the id’s and when he called my name he was looking at someone else. I realized that all the while in the class he linked my name to some other face. Well, he remembered my name. 🙂 I was happy to look at him and think of him for the next two days.

And today is the third day and I will meet him again. 🙂 and I’ll reach before time.

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I have a hopeless crush again :)

I have a crush on a real person, what I mean is not any handsome actor or fictional character. I have a crush on one of my Dance Instructors at my Jazz Dance class. He sounds really old by the ‘Instructor’ tag right? but he’ s not. He’s so cute and smart and modest and honest and talks about his mom sometimes. Well i have only spoken to him directly only twice, that too only ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’.

This sounds and feels like schoolgirl crushes to me. I started to think about him since I saw him but this butterfly in stomach and silly stupid feelings have come around only lately. I actually think about him and feel so excited and nice. Its like a dream you never want to end and I’m feeling all those high hopes and dreamy stuff. I literally dream about him intentionally. Funny na! I’m feeling happy that I feel this way about someone, it shows that I have moved on from the past and the people involved. I’m little scared though coz i don’t know if this means something or not. I mean i would hate to be in a relationship and all and i know he has soo many girls after him so that will be a one in hundred chance, but I’m also not sure as to how this will end, actually i don’t want this crush to end. I’ve always liked the games, secrecy and naughtiness. Being happy with what you think and interpret of the gestures (if there are any) else looking if there are any. I love the romance you build in your mind, or my mind. Its all good and happy. I just don’t wan’t anything to change when i meet him. I want to be in this bubble of’ joy &  smiling when i think of him’ for a long time.

Who is he?

I saw him first when i went for my first jazz class, well it wasn’t a class just an introductory class so we can learn the vocabulary and the get familiar to the class routine. I found him sooo cute and hot then also. At the end of the class he asked who were coming in the weekend batch and i was so excited to raise my hand hoping he will say ‘i will meet you then’, but instead he said ‘ok then, she (other instructor) will take your batch’ and i will take the weekdays batch. Oh i so wished for a long time after that that i could somehow have time to take the classes with him, but then i was working at different hours and only got ht weekend free. Next I met him at our rehearsal for the workshop. He was looking so hot and cute and innocent. 🙂 well this was my first ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ to him, he gave a small encouragement speech and told us few stuff we should work on and how he had started and got here (this is where he mentioned his mom) and also pulled out a diary that had encouraging phrases listed by him. OOhhh! he knows how to dance and also writes. :). I met him again at the mini rehearsal for the same workshop and he looked even more sweet. He was managing the entire thing without being bossy or commanding. 🙂 This was again a ‘Hi & Bye’ meet and I’m sure he doesn’t even remember my name, silly me! we never got introduced. 😉

I saw him last at the day of the workshop. Oh my God! he looked so stunning in just a grey vest and black lowers. i mean WOW! his face is so innocent and sweet. And I just couldn’t get my eyes off him not even for a second. later I remembered that there were so many hot chicks all over the place, some really pretty and sexy instructors( his colleagues) and many students, most of whom i know lust over him. Now I’m thinking whom was he paying attention to? I don’t wanna know the answer. I saw him perform at the show and he was too good, better than good. The confidence, the look, the moves, those strong arms.

Oh i didn’t describe how he looks right. And you thought this crush was all about appearance up til now. 😉 He’s handsome and very chocolate boy looks. He’s tall, 5’11” I think, fair, Lean body, broad shoulders, strong and muscled arms (not too much, just like i like it), he’s a little on  skinny side but only below waist hey i didn’t think anything dirty. Really!. He has nice features but not pretty type, more like chocolate handsome type Oh! did I already mention that before!  And he’s fond of piercings, he doesn’t have any but i know he like it coz he sometimes wears those clip on kinna thing on his eyebrow and he still looks so sweet and innocent. OOhhhh! 

 So after my workshop i got promoted to the next level in jazz and had to choose a weekday time and also my work timings got changed to early morning to mid afternoon so i could take the classes easily. Then i found that he ‘D’ would be taking my classes, i was sooo happy. Later i found some other instructor took the place. Anyways so i did think that only because of him was a stupid reason to move my class considering he didn’t even know my name I was trying to save my pride here,  so i stuck to my classes for a month and found that I was coming late almost on all days. I ignored it for sometime but realized there was no point in missing my dance just because i had a crush on D and think he’s soo cute. So i went and asked to get my batch changed to the one in which he teaches  that’s the only other option ya 🙂 Lucky me!  and then after i wrote the application for that i came to know that my work hours had also moved a little late, which would have made it difficult for me to reach my earlier schedule for class on time. So there everything worked out so well 🙂 Today will be my last class with the old batch and i will be joining his batch from coming monday. Yupee!

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