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Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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Latest in my life

Well, new things aren’t happening at a pace, yet it feels like change is coming around.

For one, I got my promotion. Yay!!! The money may not be so good, but still it is something and then it also means that I am done waiting for 1 less thing. Right?

Next, Diwali is over and so are my 1 week leaves, which I spent doing nothing at all, I just wasn’t in the plan mode at all, I never am, and I did not make the extra efforts it takes to plan out, even if meant a 1 days trip. Whatever!

I saw a few office love inspired movie / series and now I’m quite inspired to have my own story to tell.  In the inspired mode I have thought of looking around my office and outside for good prospects and once I see one, definitely act on it. Also I replied to my boss’s happy diwali mail and the reply was ONLY to him, nothing much in the content thoughh, just thanks and wish you the same, but still it was a 1:1 thing I did. Eeeee!!! btw the movied I watched was Bridget Jones Diary and the series Mahi Way. I know Bridget’s story isn’t exactlya good example but the thing is taking initiative. Even if there is a small chance there, one should explore it. What is the worse that could happen? he’s not interested / or engaged or seeing someone? that’s ok, nothing to loose.

Another thing, Bridget inspired me to do, write the Diary.

After the diwali week, its also time to get back to the Diet and Gym. Its not like I left, but yeah did miss couple of days and did eat couple of sweets (ok a little more than couple). Now get the target back on track. 7kgs in 2 months is the target people.

 

Also, regarding my release, talks will start soon with client and search for new person will follow. Mid- December, I will be off from here. But before that I need to get my passport in place. Seriously.

 

That’s all that’s happening here. You tell me howz life there?

 

 

 

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Do you like Steady? Settled?

A friend of my got married a year ago at the age of 24, for me its pretty soon but to each his own so. She was initially having troubles adjusting to her husband’s thoughts and the new family, but now she’s settled in well. I spoke to her about a week ago and she told me “life is settled you know, its all set and steady”. I was happy for her, but actually it sounded little boring too.

I mean in my life too, when thing become little too much the-same-way-everyday or you know scheduled around the same events, I find it boring, yes relaxed but boring.

 

Would you call being settled and steady ‘Boring’?

 

And seriously I can’t live with boring. I can hang on to it for a while, but then questions of ‘why am i alive?’ and ‘what am I here on this earth for?’ start floating in my head, which sometimes really makes me want to give up the boring life and might as well become a Buddhist. So seriously, being bored is really dangerous for me!

 

I wouldn’t say make my life an episode of ‘The survivor’ but yes, some spice, some new faces, some new places, something new basically has to come around often. Like in the movie ‘Jab We Met’, Geet says ‘bas babaji ab is night ko boring bana do’.. not sure that is what I want.

 

Something so funny happened today, I was at my jazz dance class and we were just starting out the warm up, and as I looked at myself in the mirror with the entire batch doing warm up, I couldn’t help but smile, the thoughts that came to my mind were something like ‘ Now you’re doing what you enjoy, look at yourself, you’re at a dance class, learning something, this is so cool’. I became so happy.

Something made me feel very happy. Something spontaneous. Something new.

 

You know even if I get married, I wouldn’t want to get a office, home, family, settled thing, I would like a husband who’s adventurous and we’d go out, camps, treks, separate trips, together trips. A happening life.. a settled and happening life.

 

 

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Resolutions 2011!

Like I had promised to this blogspace, you all and myself..here are the Resolutions 2011..as if they have been accomplished

1. Wow I can speak French!   I started learning in April 2011 via Online tutorials and if I got lucky to meet someone to practice speaking it with too. I started Start date – April 2011. It’s the end of the year and I can speak proper entire grammatically correct sentences in French now. Merci beau coup!

2. I got an awesome 20% hike in salary from June 2011 onwards.

3.  I had got my passport in June 2011.

4.  I had got released from my last project in July 2011 and then I got my awaited Onsite project for New York in August 2011. Amazing!!! I was so thrilled ! YAY!! I’ve also been earning a lot of money here and saving almost 40% of it, even after I send 40% home and have 20% to myself, its more than enough for me.

5.  My apartment in New York is amazing. Its exactly what I had dream of. So much like Carrie’s apartment.

6. I’ve learned how to save money. I had been saving 10% of my salary since April 2011 until I moved to New York.  And I saved it all and gave it to mom before coming here.

7.  I learnt how to swim underwater in summers of 2011.

8. I have been a religious follower of Yoga since March 2011. Its become part of my life now, part of me, its just as important as waking up for me. I weighed myself in beginning of June 2011 to be 50 kgs and today I just weighed to be at the same.

9. I have learnt so much Yoga this year. I read books and then took some classes back in India. It really opened my mind to so many new things about our life, body, peace. I just started teaching Yoga here in New York at a centre.

10. I have finished my first novel. It is in review with many publishers and the offers are pouring in. I started writing it in July 2011 and completed it in November 2011.

11. Boys had been plenty this year. I had dated 3 guys back in Delhi, obviously one at a time and they were all nice. 2 indians and 1 firang. It was a good experience and I also parted as friends with them, no ugly endings, coz we were on the same page before starting anything. Here in New York, I have been dating guys, and mentionable is only 1 since, he’s who I’m currently dating. So far so good.

12.  I have learnt so much about nutrition. partly along with Yoga and also because in March 2011 I had developed a liking for cooking. I try and expirement and its usually good.

13. I have been taking good care of myself since April 2011, and I feel and look beautiful ,my skin is glowing and clear, my hair is strong and shiny, my abs and thighs are tight and maintained. I love it!

14.  Mom n sis have taken car and moved to a beautiful house in Delhi with a big lawn. I’ve been sending good money there and they’re putting into the house & car EMI.

15. I did great in jazz at Delhi, got promoted, was able to do 3 pirouettes and then when I came to New York i found this amazing studio near my place. I’ve been learning  there  almost every day and its getting better. I can do a full split now. 🙂 Believe me!

16 . As a person also I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome my fear of people not liking me and how I wanted to please everyone. I feel more confident today and its not only because of the looks, its more because I accept myself and the face that not everyone can like me. I am more relaxed and sorted now.

17. I have been travelling so much around New York. Almost every weekend I make plans with friends here. Its great to see this country. Next month December 2011, is planned for Europe – Italy. With the one i’m dating now. 🙂 wow!!

18. I had also won the Fiction writing contest for a magazine in India in April 2011.

19. I got a tattoo done from Kat Von De Camp in Miami. Its brilliant!!

20. I have also generated a good habit of brushing my teeth before sleep since March 2011. :)))

That was One hell of a Year!! Totally amazing!!!

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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.

 

It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!

 

I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.

 

Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.

 

So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.

 

4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!

 

5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.

 

6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.

 

P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.

 

Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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2 weeks without sleep..

Okay not without, but very less sleep and that makes you sleepy and want to crash on the floor whenever you get even a second free.

 

Wow..it actually has been that long since I left everything in my slow paced routine life and moved into a full swing-zapping-past-me-blurring-my-ability-to-think  week. Wow!!!

 

So my last post was about the V-Day that was Monday, continuing on….

 

The next two days at work were super busy. Lot of work and very less time. I stayed back a few days and totally missed out on my workout and diet plan (whatever was there of it). Thursday morning I got a call from the dance instructor who had borrowed money from me,which he had to forcefully return after I made a 100 calls and finally let other instructor at the office know about, anyways he called and said he had some passes to a dance show thing and I could have them if I wanted. I have never got free passes by myself, and I was excited about it, so I forgot that he is the biggest liar in the world, and I said if he could send them over to my office. He said he had sent them and then I asked my frenz, K and Nick and Tarun and my sis. All were up for it. Then I had make another 10 texts and calls to that Liar to find out why I hadn’t received the passes yet. He lied a lot again and I knew I was not going to get them. I felt totatlly stupid about getting so excited over it and asking my frenz about it.

 

Anyways, so this acquaintance of ours from Morocco, ‘Sash’ ( though K and Tarun), who’s in India for an internship, she called to say that there was a costume party thingy at her place and her firang(foreigner) friends would be there too, so we should come, and its ok if we don’t have the costumes ready. I asked everyone if we wanted to go there and so me, sis , Nick and K went. These people were so sporty, they bought costumes for each other and we had drinks and then the all had to go out to a club dressed like that. I would never do such a thing!!! I’m so bloody horribly conscious in my normal clothes, in my own skin…shit!! But I think also the adventure of being in a different country brings out a new side of you.

 

So we all went to this club where drinks were free for expats and we had to pay for our drinks. We were little lost in the group, coz we all only knew Sash and Nick didn’t even know her. But after sometime it got good and we danced around, my feet killed me which is equal to a party well enjoyed 🙂 . I like this cute and funny guy in the group, but I don’t think he was interested. All the firang guys were dancing around with all the girls and there were weird cheap Indian guys around, who came to stare or hit chance at making out with some firangi girls.

 

K had a good time, and Nick seemed bored. I was not just around him only, I thought it’d be good if spoke around and made some friends, Plus I was so not wanting to hear any comments from sis or K about him or me being interested in each other.

We left the place really late and then everyone was hungry, so we made a stop at a 24/7 open place and had some food. Relaxed and got horribly late. I reached home at 4am and had office at 8am next day. I slept for couple of hours and then got into cab and rushed to office.

The next 2 days at work were again busy and I ended up working on Saturday also, full day. I was leaving for home at 9:30pm, reaching by 10:30, eating something (mostly order out as mom was not home this week) and sleeping by 11:30. Waking at 6:30 – 6:45 am.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday was the same routine.

Thursday i.e yesterday was a colleague’s wedding and the team decided to go. We all reached back home and then met at one place and went to the wedding. I wore a red net saree with white embroidery done on it. I dressed up well , good makeup with big eye liner shaping my eyes, blused cheeks and glossy lips, bangles in one hand (which I love to wear) and was looking good.  🙂

I came back home at 1 am, slept by 2am and then again took office cab at 7 am. The entire team was so sleepy the whole day, it was almost funny. 🙂

 

Thanks god today I get some sleep. I’m pretty sure this weekend is gonna be all about snoozing. 🙂

 

Oh n ya! Some other things going one that I have no patience to tell in detail about:

1. I finished reading a new chik lit, Girl plus One, was not so interesting in the begining but later did get good.

2. Sis spent almost all of our house rent for this month on shopping for jeans and some shoes, while mom was away.

3. mom came back yesterday and has been so upset and screaming around since.

4. Dance class has been less enthu for since the dance instructor money lending thingy, I’m hoping I get back to being super excited about it.

5. Uploaded this new guitar video on my fb, got many lovely comments. I kept checking n rechecking my fb for updates for almost 2 days after posting it 🙂

 

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