Monthly Archives: February 2009

So not over the French dude..

Its been more than 3 weeks since I met him and I am no more trying his number 2 times a day (just maybe once in 3-4 days),but still I can’t seem to get him off my mind.

‘Who?’ you asking. ‘F’

I don’t know why. Maybe the idea was so tempting that I’m ready to let go off it. I just keep on imagining how things would have been. Like I would get off (from my office cab) at the Def Col market if we were meeting on weekdays and wait it Mocha and read some novels till he came, which obviously would be 2-3 hours from when I reached because he would be getting off late from work and then the he would travel much more than me. How I would casually kiss him (on the lips sometimes) and we would sit there cuddled up, talking about so many things.

I also imagined us touring Delhi and other cities , tourist cities to be specific, more specific Jaipur and Agra. And also going to France together where I would meet his family.

Oh god! I am so Charolette (from ‘Sex in the City’) right now, if you know what I mean. ‘No’, Sorry i can’t explain. 

Dreams I tell you! I’m still convinced that this is not on purpose, something did go wrong and still hoping we meet somehow and he tells me that he was going crazy about how to find me.

Waiting…not so sad though.

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25 random things about me..

I’m trying to reach 25, lets see where I get…

 

1. I have this habit of gazing at my hair ends and breaking off the split-ends. I’ve heard this makes the split-ends more in number but its just something I’ve been doing for time-pass and now mostly.

2. I have these bottled up emotions that sometimes i use to make my cry. Like when you feel like crying or are crying but can’t cry enough, I on purpose open that bottle and cry my heart out.

3. My mind doesn’t recognize and differentiate between hunger v/s thirst and poop. I think somehow its all about my stomach’s confusion here and I end you stuffing myself and later realize that I am feeling thirsty or wanted to relieve myself. There’s something wrong there.

4. I love to dream and I mean intentionally make myself dream of what i want. I thinks its some form of imagination mixed with weirdo me. I have spent time trying to dream about stuff I want to dream about and just lying on my bed, eyes closed and thinking of what I want to see and trying to imagine it. Its actually fun most of the times.

5. I have become more sexually active since I turned 23 (hold true for with or without a partner ;)).

6. I am too conscious of people, what they think about me, what they say about me… But thankfully when I’m taking some important decisions about my life, I care a damn about others.

7. My mind is constantly working, in my sleep, while I’m brushing my teeth, when I’m just walking, ALL THE TIME! sometimes I need to tell my mind to shut up.

8. I am too serious about relationships and so want to change that. Sometimes casual might be fun.

9. My instincts are usually right.

10. If I’m upset, then making the others around me upset makes me FEEL better! Hey! i am still a nice person.

12. I say I like the color Blue and Black most, but really how so you know which color you like most?? I don’t. Is it got to do with what color dress looks good on me or what color do i pick to paint? what?

13. I contradict myself pathetically sometimes and I’m sensing its usually when stubbornness takes over me.

14. I am a very honest person. sometimes Brutally!

15. I look at dogs and go ‘Ooooohh-soo-cuteeeee’

16. I love the thought that I was dad’s fav amongst me and my sis.

17. I am almost proud of my childhood pics. I was sooo cute.:) I even have showing them off sometimes..hehehee

18. Getting dolled up is still not in my ‘love-to-do’ list.

19. I am a Reserved person. I just found out few months back.

20. I love reading and there’s no specification of what, there’s fiction i love and fiction i hate, serious i love and serious i cannot reach the second page of and also sad i love and sad i don’t want to read.

21. I aspire to be a writer (for now).

22. I’ve been drinking lukewarm water even in summers this year. Don’t ask why.

23. I really enjoy dancing.

24. I bullied my little brother when he was young. We would go cycling and I have take him around a lonely lane and then speed away. He would keep screaming my name asking me to wait but I just loved to do that. We still laugh about it a lot!

25. I think I have a beautiful smile.

26. I have few embarrassing moments around farting. Not ready to disclose any yet.

27. I am jealous of my sister for various reasons but i  am proud of  her even for the same reasons also.

I think that’s enough to start. I quite enjoyed putting them down. i think I’ll do it more often. Next time count starts with #28.

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My first complete story.

This is my first ever complete story. I had written it for a Mills & Boon writing contest but didn’t win. 😦

How Love met Destiny

Hope you’ll like it! 

Suggestion , comments , compliments.. all welcome!

Cheers!

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Desperate times…

There is a time when you feel everything around you is unreal. Like you’re living inside a movie set, pretending to live a life, see the things and do the stuff, that actually exists outside the boundaries of this set. There’s  a feeling of it all being a lie, a lie you’re living, maybe by choice or not, but it is not the REAL THING.

These are desperate times.

If I talk about my love life, which by-the-way only includes me at the moment, I am definitely on the edge of it. I have been hating relationships for a long time now, laughed at every ‘so-in-love-couple’ , criticized every thing that I once did and said, called it a trap a million times and thanked god and myself that it was over for me and I was free.

But now, I want to be with someone.

Yes,  after talking all about ‘you don’t need anyone else to be happy’ and ‘you don’t have to depend on anyone else’, I am agreeing that it would be nice to have some nice guy in my life. Not that I want to loose my independence or anything, but the idea that someone cares for you and loves you is very tempting.

I so need to re-think my definition for ‘independent’.

I want to have my self-time and love and respect myself, but then I also want someone else to feel special about me . Someone who i can have a good time and share my bad times with. Its the not-so-good times that make you feel you’re missing something and someone. It is difficult to face the harsh truths alone. And even when I strongly believe that I can live by myself and be happy but I can’t deny that having someone by your side will make it a lot more fun and easy.

Another part of my life is ‘what I do for a living’, I hate to call it career, as a career for me would include real passion, something that is so connected to me and something I will be happy to do all my life. That is so not where I am right now. I’m waiting for that point in my life to come where I can no more wait. Its just that I am not there yet. I’m travelling a road that will lead me to that crossroad but I can’t see how far have I reached yet. I need to reach that crossroad where I will have to decide and that decision will carry me to where I want to be.

 Sometimes I wish I could just make it all change right now, everything the way I want it.

I know I can, but right now? No. I’m just finding ways to make this easy.

But I can’t stop myself from thinking that time is passing, every day, every week, this is my life passing me by. 

This is very similar to my shopping habit, when I like something or think of buying something, I usually put a time tag on it, like ‘I’m gonna buy this when i am thin and slim’ , ‘ when  i get my next salary’  or  ‘when I saved … amount’ and then when the time comes to finally buy it, its either outdated, too common, not available anymore or not appealing anymore. I’m waiting to get what I want and the waiting is a drag.

There are dreams waiting for me to make them true and then there is this reality that wakes me up every morning breaking my dream. I leave them behind only to be continued… 

Desperate to be not so desperate today!

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Need some inspiration today

Need some inspiration today

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What’s goin on??

Okay, here’s something that has and hasn’t been happening.

I’ve been trying the french dude’s number for almost 2 weeks now and no luck. Its switched off!!!  This is really frustrating. i looked him up in orkut, facebook and linkedIn. No Luck!! Whats this supposed to be huh? I’m trying my best to be optimistic about it and now I’m loosing his face in my memory. The whole thing just sucks! First its about is he doing this on purpose? ( i don’t think so but can’t help thinking) then there’s why am i looking for him why isn’t he looking for me? Then I was hoping it to be a very light matter(if we did hang out that is) just dating you know and then why did my stupid mind go on and on about dreaming of us together.

Apart from dreaming about him and trying to find him, I have also been searching horoscopes like crazy. I don’t know why. Maybe I just wanted someone to say that he will come back or something will happen between us. To make myself happy i was looking at every horoscope(free of-course! didn’t get crazy to pay on it) . And mostly all say that there is this exceptionally great love thing in Feb for me but none said that it would come and vanish. They all talked about the extra luck in love and this and that, but where dude?. They also said that feb 13th and 16th would be my best days, again where?

However I did go out on V-day and reached back to the same place that I had met him ‘F’ and my friend didn’t wana go there coz he doesn’t like the desi music..yaaa!! so I just went in and took a quick look around to find him but he wasn’t there. So we moved to some other place where ‘Mr-Snob’ liked the music. If i could have been there then maybe  just maybe I could meet him.

Well anyways so all I can hope is that he is going as crazy as me and that we do meet and he tells me all about it.

How can such a sweet decent guy come to you, say all those sweet things, be in your dreams and then just vanish into thin air?

Hope he calls! and this makes me feel stupid as well. Its not that I wanna track and hunt him down or anything, I’m very anxious and curious about what happened? Was he looking for just fun that night? Was he genuinely interested and wanted to meet me later? What happened?

This is too much to think. I think I will leave it all to destiny. And btw another horoscope says tomorrow is my lucky day for this week. Hope its gota do something with him.

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Valentine

I have always been a fan of Valentine’s day and ever since school always found ways to make a big deal out of it. In school, I saved up money for months to buy a gift for my boyfriend, I hoped for the perfect valentine and in my head put all these notions that were not true. In college again, even though I was in a much mature relationship, I made a big deal and wanted to be treated like a princess. Its not wrong to want to be treated well, but the idea that ‘this day will decide your love for each other’ is wrong.

Its not like my ex-boyfriends (only 2) have not showed they loved me or pampered me enough, but there has always been this greed to show off my love or how much he cares, to my friends to this world, like i needed to prove that this was real and he actually does love me that’s why he bought me this gift, made my valentine so special. I wanted everyone to see that this was real, maybe i wanted to make myself believe it too. 

Somewhere along I hadn’t been convinced myself. I felt in a compromised situation, maybe feeling of I should get a better guy than him (especially the 2nd relationship) and not that I didn’t love him enough, just that he couldn’t make me feel loved enough, so i was looking for ways to make him do things that would make me feel loved.

I still find Valentine’s Day very tempting. The gifts, the roses and all those compliments. There is still a part of me that wants to show how much I am loved, like it isn’t enough for me to know.

But one thing I am changing in my mind right now, this day alone cannot tell me how much I am loved or not. I will not depend on this day only to feel loved and cared for. I want him (yet to find) and myself to make me feel how worthy I am in everyway and everyday. I will love myself so much that when someone else does it I can believe it is true and will last beyond this day too.

I’m hoping ‘F’ does get in touch with me soon. 🙂

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