Monthly Archives: February 2009

So not over the French dude..

Its been more than 3 weeks since I met him and I am no more trying his number 2 times a day (just maybe once in 3-4 days),but still I can’t seem to get him off my mind.

‘Who?’ you asking. ‘F’

I don’t know why. Maybe the idea was so tempting that I’m ready to let go off it. I just keep on imagining how things would have been. Like I would get off (from my office cab) at the Def Col market if we were meeting on weekdays and wait it Mocha and read some novels till he came, which obviously would be 2-3 hours from when I reached because he would be getting off late from work and then the he would travel much more than me. How I would casually kiss him (on the lips sometimes) and we would sit there cuddled up, talking about so many things.

I also imagined us touring Delhi and other cities , tourist cities to be specific, more specific Jaipur and Agra. And also going to France together where I would meet his family.

Oh god! I am so Charolette (from ‘Sex in the City’) right now, if you know what I mean. ‘No’, Sorry i can’t explain. 

Dreams I tell you! I’m still convinced that this is not on purpose, something did go wrong and still hoping we meet somehow and he tells me that he was going crazy about how to find me.

Waiting…not so sad though.

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25 random things about me..

I’m trying to reach 25, lets see where I get…

 

1. I have this habit of gazing at my hair ends and breaking off the split-ends. I’ve heard this makes the split-ends more in number but its just something I’ve been doing for time-pass and now mostly.

2. I have these bottled up emotions that sometimes i use to make my cry. Like when you feel like crying or are crying but can’t cry enough, I on purpose open that bottle and cry my heart out.

3. My mind doesn’t recognize and differentiate between hunger v/s thirst and poop. I think somehow its all about my stomach’s confusion here and I end you stuffing myself and later realize that I am feeling thirsty or wanted to relieve myself. There’s something wrong there.

4. I love to dream and I mean intentionally make myself dream of what i want. I thinks its some form of imagination mixed with weirdo me. I have spent time trying to dream about stuff I want to dream about and just lying on my bed, eyes closed and thinking of what I want to see and trying to imagine it. Its actually fun most of the times.

5. I have become more sexually active since I turned 23 (hold true for with or without a partner ;)).

6. I am too conscious of people, what they think about me, what they say about me… But thankfully when I’m taking some important decisions about my life, I care a damn about others.

7. My mind is constantly working, in my sleep, while I’m brushing my teeth, when I’m just walking, ALL THE TIME! sometimes I need to tell my mind to shut up.

8. I am too serious about relationships and so want to change that. Sometimes casual might be fun.

9. My instincts are usually right.

10. If I’m upset, then making the others around me upset makes me FEEL better! Hey! i am still a nice person.

12. I say I like the color Blue and Black most, but really how so you know which color you like most?? I don’t. Is it got to do with what color dress looks good on me or what color do i pick to paint? what?

13. I contradict myself pathetically sometimes and I’m sensing its usually when stubbornness takes over me.

14. I am a very honest person. sometimes Brutally!

15. I look at dogs and go ‘Ooooohh-soo-cuteeeee’

16. I love the thought that I was dad’s fav amongst me and my sis.

17. I am almost proud of my childhood pics. I was sooo cute.:) I even have showing them off sometimes..hehehee

18. Getting dolled up is still not in my ‘love-to-do’ list.

19. I am a Reserved person. I just found out few months back.

20. I love reading and there’s no specification of what, there’s fiction i love and fiction i hate, serious i love and serious i cannot reach the second page of and also sad i love and sad i don’t want to read.

21. I aspire to be a writer (for now).

22. I’ve been drinking lukewarm water even in summers this year. Don’t ask why.

23. I really enjoy dancing.

24. I bullied my little brother when he was young. We would go cycling and I have take him around a lonely lane and then speed away. He would keep screaming my name asking me to wait but I just loved to do that. We still laugh about it a lot!

25. I think I have a beautiful smile.

26. I have few embarrassing moments around farting. Not ready to disclose any yet.

27. I am jealous of my sister for various reasons but i  am proud of  her even for the same reasons also.

I think that’s enough to start. I quite enjoyed putting them down. i think I’ll do it more often. Next time count starts with #28.

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My first complete story.

This is my first ever complete story. I had written it for a Mills & Boon writing contest but didn’t win. 😦

How Love met Destiny

Hope you’ll like it! 

Suggestion , comments , compliments.. all welcome!

Cheers!

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Desperate times…

There is a time when you feel everything around you is unreal. Like you’re living inside a movie set, pretending to live a life, see the things and do the stuff, that actually exists outside the boundaries of this set. There’s  a feeling of it all being a lie, a lie you’re living, maybe by choice or not, but it is not the REAL THING.

These are desperate times.

If I talk about my love life, which by-the-way only includes me at the moment, I am definitely on the edge of it. I have been hating relationships for a long time now, laughed at every ‘so-in-love-couple’ , criticized every thing that I once did and said, called it a trap a million times and thanked god and myself that it was over for me and I was free.

But now, I want to be with someone.

Yes,  after talking all about ‘you don’t need anyone else to be happy’ and ‘you don’t have to depend on anyone else’, I am agreeing that it would be nice to have some nice guy in my life. Not that I want to loose my independence or anything, but the idea that someone cares for you and loves you is very tempting.

I so need to re-think my definition for ‘independent’.

I want to have my self-time and love and respect myself, but then I also want someone else to feel special about me . Someone who i can have a good time and share my bad times with. Its the not-so-good times that make you feel you’re missing something and someone. It is difficult to face the harsh truths alone. And even when I strongly believe that I can live by myself and be happy but I can’t deny that having someone by your side will make it a lot more fun and easy.

Another part of my life is ‘what I do for a living’, I hate to call it career, as a career for me would include real passion, something that is so connected to me and something I will be happy to do all my life. That is so not where I am right now. I’m waiting for that point in my life to come where I can no more wait. Its just that I am not there yet. I’m travelling a road that will lead me to that crossroad but I can’t see how far have I reached yet. I need to reach that crossroad where I will have to decide and that decision will carry me to where I want to be.

 Sometimes I wish I could just make it all change right now, everything the way I want it.

I know I can, but right now? No. I’m just finding ways to make this easy.

But I can’t stop myself from thinking that time is passing, every day, every week, this is my life passing me by. 

This is very similar to my shopping habit, when I like something or think of buying something, I usually put a time tag on it, like ‘I’m gonna buy this when i am thin and slim’ , ‘ when  i get my next salary’  or  ‘when I saved … amount’ and then when the time comes to finally buy it, its either outdated, too common, not available anymore or not appealing anymore. I’m waiting to get what I want and the waiting is a drag.

There are dreams waiting for me to make them true and then there is this reality that wakes me up every morning breaking my dream. I leave them behind only to be continued… 

Desperate to be not so desperate today!

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Need some inspiration today

Need some inspiration today

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What’s goin on??

Okay, here’s something that has and hasn’t been happening.

I’ve been trying the french dude’s number for almost 2 weeks now and no luck. Its switched off!!!  This is really frustrating. i looked him up in orkut, facebook and linkedIn. No Luck!! Whats this supposed to be huh? I’m trying my best to be optimistic about it and now I’m loosing his face in my memory. The whole thing just sucks! First its about is he doing this on purpose? ( i don’t think so but can’t help thinking) then there’s why am i looking for him why isn’t he looking for me? Then I was hoping it to be a very light matter(if we did hang out that is) just dating you know and then why did my stupid mind go on and on about dreaming of us together.

Apart from dreaming about him and trying to find him, I have also been searching horoscopes like crazy. I don’t know why. Maybe I just wanted someone to say that he will come back or something will happen between us. To make myself happy i was looking at every horoscope(free of-course! didn’t get crazy to pay on it) . And mostly all say that there is this exceptionally great love thing in Feb for me but none said that it would come and vanish. They all talked about the extra luck in love and this and that, but where dude?. They also said that feb 13th and 16th would be my best days, again where?

However I did go out on V-day and reached back to the same place that I had met him ‘F’ and my friend didn’t wana go there coz he doesn’t like the desi music..yaaa!! so I just went in and took a quick look around to find him but he wasn’t there. So we moved to some other place where ‘Mr-Snob’ liked the music. If i could have been there then maybe  just maybe I could meet him.

Well anyways so all I can hope is that he is going as crazy as me and that we do meet and he tells me all about it.

How can such a sweet decent guy come to you, say all those sweet things, be in your dreams and then just vanish into thin air?

Hope he calls! and this makes me feel stupid as well. Its not that I wanna track and hunt him down or anything, I’m very anxious and curious about what happened? Was he looking for just fun that night? Was he genuinely interested and wanted to meet me later? What happened?

This is too much to think. I think I will leave it all to destiny. And btw another horoscope says tomorrow is my lucky day for this week. Hope its gota do something with him.

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Valentine

I have always been a fan of Valentine’s day and ever since school always found ways to make a big deal out of it. In school, I saved up money for months to buy a gift for my boyfriend, I hoped for the perfect valentine and in my head put all these notions that were not true. In college again, even though I was in a much mature relationship, I made a big deal and wanted to be treated like a princess. Its not wrong to want to be treated well, but the idea that ‘this day will decide your love for each other’ is wrong.

Its not like my ex-boyfriends (only 2) have not showed they loved me or pampered me enough, but there has always been this greed to show off my love or how much he cares, to my friends to this world, like i needed to prove that this was real and he actually does love me that’s why he bought me this gift, made my valentine so special. I wanted everyone to see that this was real, maybe i wanted to make myself believe it too. 

Somewhere along I hadn’t been convinced myself. I felt in a compromised situation, maybe feeling of I should get a better guy than him (especially the 2nd relationship) and not that I didn’t love him enough, just that he couldn’t make me feel loved enough, so i was looking for ways to make him do things that would make me feel loved.

I still find Valentine’s Day very tempting. The gifts, the roses and all those compliments. There is still a part of me that wants to show how much I am loved, like it isn’t enough for me to know.

But one thing I am changing in my mind right now, this day alone cannot tell me how much I am loved or not. I will not depend on this day only to feel loved and cared for. I want him (yet to find) and myself to make me feel how worthy I am in everyway and everyday. I will love myself so much that when someone else does it I can believe it is true and will last beyond this day too.

I’m hoping ‘F’ does get in touch with me soon. 🙂

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My French encounter.

Last Friday I went out clubbing with my friends, actually it was with my sister ‘N’, one close friend ‘A’ and two acquaintances (who have and can never entermy friends’ definition). It just sounded cool to say ‘I went Clubbing with my friends’, yes, sometimes I am a ‘wannabe’. I accept. Anyways so we went to this cool club that plays a good mix of good and bad music. Honestly, I like the mix music places coz the ‘only good party music all the time’ places tire me and demand too much of enthusiasm without any break and most of the times I’m not in that zone and fall tired of trying to get into that zone and then I hate the ‘all time bad music’ places,I have a decent taste in music (i think that’s enough explanation), but these places with mix of good and bad are always fun. You can let your hair down with your fav tunes and stand back and make fun of people i.e only their dance on all the horrible tracks. You think I’m mean, wait till you meet my sister! 😉

See I again got drifted from the main point, so we went there and were having fun andI was looking around to spot some eye candy too.  I saw a group of guys enter the dance floor and I instantly liked one of them ( this scares me, I’ll tell you why later). He was cute, had a laid back attitude, looked simple and seemed little boring but I like him. Its difficult to find decent men so its ok if they aren’t too wild ya. Oh, did I just say ‘men’, I meant ‘Boys’, ‘boys’, men are for 25+ bracket. lol!

I pointed him to my sis and she too had the same thing to say ‘he’s seems boring’. I wanted to take a drag (this is after a proud 1 andhalf year of quitting) so I went out looking for the smoking area where my friend ‘A’ was (he’s almost a chain smoker) and when I walked into the room, he was standing there talking to the guy I had spotted. I quickly stepped to him and joined them. I said the first ‘hi’ although he gave me the first look (smiling). We got into a conversation, with most of the start-ups from me and it was friendly and nice. We spoke of the music and learnt that he hated the track I liked, i told if he knew the lyrics he would like it too and he politely agreed. Did you get the point here,  yes,  he’s not from my country, he’s from FRANCE (smiling more). Just the mention of ‘France’ makes it romantic!

We spoke for 10-15 minutes and i think it was pretty clear that I was into him and he was also showing interest, we went back to the dance floor and he started to corner himself when ‘A’ pulled him with us. We danced together and once again was ‘social me’. Thinking of it now, I think I did quite good at being my best social me, I had included ‘A’ into the conversation at the smoking area, I wasn’t asking too personal questions to him ‘F’ and I was dancing with my group too and him too.   I’m almost proud of myself!

So we danced and I did show my interest in him but in the not so obvious ways, I wasn’t getting too close and was enjoying my time. He didn’t try and get too cozy either and was at ease. By the way, he doesn’t dance very well and was shaking a leg or two at his own beats and his rhythm didn’t even get close to the music. We were holding hands at times, then when the dance requires he held my waist and I touched his arms.  It was sooo nice. Not once did he try anything cheap on me and that was such a turn on (still smiling broadly). He did mention that his roommate was making out with someone and he was proud of him, but i didn’t pay much heed to it.

He asked me to walk out with him in between and we went to the smoking area, he smoked and me making neat and social conversations (proud feeling again) and we got back to dancing. He then danced me into some ballroom turns that I totally loved and kept on asking him to do that again. It was lovely! We again went outside in the quite and then here’s the conversation we had:

F: “Don’t I Please you?”

Me: “Why? why do you say that? you do please me a lot!”

F: “Then why don’t you let me kiss you?”

Me: “You Know what, i am from a very conservative family and I don’t know you well.”

F: “Even I am from conservative family. Its the first time we’re meeting that?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s what I like about you, you’re so nice and decent ”

F: “Yes, i know I’m decent! ” (I sensed mockery and modesty)

Me: “I mean, i don’t even know you. how can you go ahead and do anything to anyone, whom you don’t know? and to be frank, I don’t like what your roommate is doing there, when you don’t know the person how can you?”

F: “Okay, I understand, I wouldn’t force you into anything”

Me: “Lets meet again, you call me.”

F: ” You call me.”

Me: ” Okay take my number”

I took  his cell and saved my number and gave a ring on my number too and when we started walking in.

Just before we walked in he whispered

F: “I like respectable women. ”

We moved in and danced more. He turned me around and noticed that I couldn’t get the smile off my face.

Then it was time to leave and I went outside to say good-bye, i asked him to call me and inquired abot how he will leave and then gave him pecks, to which his reaction was

‘Oh, its okay on the cheeks?’ in more of a polite question and ‘hope i am not offending you’ tone.

And i smiled all the more with ‘yeah its ok’

That was the last I saw and heard him.

I tried calling him the next morning and he didn’t answer the call. I tried from a number apart from mine to check if he’s avoiding me,but still no answer, so great! he wasn’t avoiding me. Then after two days of waiting for someone to answer the call he’s number has gone on switched off.

‘A’ did recall him saying that he was to leave for mumbai or something and I hope that is true, however that doesn’t make sense why isn’t his phone with him. Me and my sis were also guessing he has lost his phone that night, this is a very common thing in clubs.

Now:

So now I’m dreaming of my French chivalric and polite guy and hoping that before Friday his number is on and we do get in touch, else POA says going to the same club this Friday! I better meet my Valentine date, whatsay? 🙂

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When he’s gone

In the last class we celebrated his farewell by cutting a cake( someone had got it) and he spend his valuable time with us by trying to teach more and more of dance and tell of what he feels and what we should feel when we dance. Yes, there were again couple of accidental hand touches and all, but I’m out of details here so lets leave it. I did admire him but not so much in ‘i want’ kind of way and there might be another reason to it (this which you can read about in my next blog after this one).

At the end of the class he cut the cake, said many good things about us and like everyone i also made him eat a piece of the cake, put some on his face, he gave me a side hug and i wished him all the best and see you soon. then I repeated the above mentioned acts (especially received a side hug) and now feel totally stupid about it and then asked him the question that I had been framing in my mind for over a week ‘You are on face-book right?’ and he said ‘yes’, so that was an official yes to an unasked question i.e ‘can i add you on facebook’ and then he announced to the entire class to ‘be connected’ . I reached home and sent him the add to my friends request. he accepted the other day and i went through his profile and pictures and saw his update that he ‘has finally reached mumbai’ . That’s it.

After much of using the compose message, backspace, delete and again compose message, I did send him a message only asking how was the new place.

Its clear to me, I like him and adore him but I know I will not be with him, not becausehe left and will come after 2 months but the thing that I have for him is actually ‘trying to fill what i have missed on’ feeling. In college and school, I had boyfriends but not so good looking or great personality, I have always been the overshadowing one and for once i had wished that someone better than me ( at least in looks) would fall for me. I was hoping to feel something that no longer holds any importance in my life, something that I understand now and didn’t then and now I know that that cannot be the reason you want to be with someone. But i would like to be his friend still.

So I’m letting go as i write these words and come to the reality where I need and want to live.

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The 7th class, he’s leaving

Yesterday was so shocking for me. I went to the class, kept looking and admiring him. There were a few accidental touches, like his hand hit mine during the routine and he almost stepped on my foot while doing a step backwards and his back was so closed to me and yes all this happened coz I was standing just behind him to his left shoulder where I could see his face properly in the mirror. I wasn’t in the right attire and was feeling little conscious, I was wearing a black long top that was kina loose and had those wide pleats starting at the neck and running till end, it made it look fluffy and since i didn’t care to wear a sports bra, the underwire bra’s shape was perfectly visible focusing on the gap between my twins as the pleat sinked into the gap. All the time I was pulling the hem of the top so that it wouldn’t sink into the gap but that was that. Don’t know how many people noticed, i was too busy admiring ‘D’. He looks so hot and decent at the same time. It was all good, but I did notice that probationer looking at him and smiling endlessly, couldn’t figure out the kind of smile she had though. It was somewhat a mix of mocking at someone, sharing a secret joke and I know whats going on. Does anyone know what that might be??  

Anyways, at the end of the class he made an announcement that he was leaving for Mumbai and the nest class i.e  coming Saturday would be his last day with us, OMG!! I heard the breaking of my heart and felt my face going pale. there was a large ‘WHY’ reaction from the class and he said there was some work and again the class responded with a loud ‘WHY’. Someone asked for long will he will be gone and he said for two months. My smile was lost and now I was still wondering if all I heard was right or not . My head was registering the facts and my heart was sinking. It was so hard. He was all smile and everyone started kidding that he’s going to Bollywood and stuff. He seemed really happy and I kept looking at him wondering how it will be not to see him for 2 months. I asked for my feedback hoping to get to see him talk for few more minutes and with everyone still surrounding him  I was hoping to get a private moment with him. While he was giving my feedback which btw was’good at technique and apply more technique to routine’ I was looking at his face, his eyes, his lips, he has naturally pink lips and when he talks  .. I couldn’t get my eyes off him., my mind was screaming ‘2 months, 2 months now what? I also touched his hand accidentally while taking a pen from his hand, just the tip of his finger touched my hand and my body went on supersonic speed mode,  my mind quickly registered it and within fractions of seconds my skin sensed the touch and my heart felt leaping. But he is leaving!

On my way back home we (me and few girls we take the metro and leave together), actually I started talking about how bad it is that he is leaving and that too 2 months, one of the girls said she heard them talking that it would take him more time there like 6-7 months. And I heard another crack in my broken heart. I was supposed to get to know him, talk to him ,go on dates with him and he was to kiss me, many times. And now he’s leaving!

I reached home thinking of how will i say goodbye to him and how could i stay in touch with him. At home I asked my sis about it and though she didn’t help much she did approve of my plan which was to find him less crowded and say ‘all the best and keep in touch’ then casually add ‘you are on facebook right?’ I know he is, i look at his picture almost everyday and think of whether to send him friend request or not. Haven’t gathered the guts yet.

So while sleeping I listened to ‘Bleeding Love’ by Leona Lewis and ‘Kiss me’ by Six Pence none the Richer and felt all the more heartbroken but couldn’t decide on what to feel, i was sad  that he was leaving and happy that I got a way to send him friend request and also that i will get 2 months to make myself worthy of his attention( weird i know but i did think this) and in my dream i was planning on giving him a good luck charm as departure gift and was also admitting that it was highly childish but i was still planning it, thank god my senses came back after i woke up.

I still don’t know what to feel. I’m confused! I have some sadness in my eyes and many thoughts. Should I tell him how I feel about him? but whats the point he will still leave right? So should i wait till he gets back? But what if he meets someone there or that probationer girl hooks up with him, i learnt that she too is from Mumbai and maybe she is going too. What if he comes back and doesn’t recognize me or if I send him request and he doesn’t accept? I also thought of leaving the classes till he comes back, but that’s stupid coz i love dancing and this is a good thing in my life and then I didn’t join because of him.  So I’ve thought of adding him on facebook, keeping in touch and exchange numbers (can happen only if he shows interest) and when he comes back we can date.

Any other ideas anyone??

But somehow I somewhere am feeling that this is all for the good, i don’t know how but i do feel that.

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