Monthly Archives: March 2010

To know Before time

I was watching the movie ‘The Time Traveller’s wife’ yesterday, which btw is not so much the wife at all, and got thinking,’is it better to know thing before time?’

I mean, maybe not all future type unrealistic things like in the movie, but just basic stuff of life, say a kid knowing that he will die someday, or a girl knowing she will have almost death like pain in childbirth, young girls seeing how couples behave madly in love, you got what I’m saying right?

I think, with me sometimes, if I see something that hasn’t happened in my life yet and see how people react and behave, then somewhere it leaves a mark in my head that, that is  how you react on such a thing if it ever happens. It’s not intentional but I think its like that with me. You know there’s this hidden virtual reference guide kind of storage in my brain which has the ‘how and should’s’.

I also feel it somewhere keeps me blocked from my own original reaction to the situation. I wonder if this was the first time then how would I react.

So, basically, I’m opting for ‘NO’.

What your view on it? I think let’s do a poll.

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More on a saner note..

I checked the dictionary to see if that is a word actually, ‘saner’.  lol!

And since I did use ‘note’, so little update on some music in my life. Guitar learning has been relatively slow to when I had begun. However, the important past is it is going on. I used to take the class once a week, but last few weeks there wasn’t much practice so I did postpone it to bi-weekly.  The week before, on Monday class, my guitar was corrected for action and tune. The very next day it was out of tune, and I admit I haven’t learnt manual tuning yet. Well, I did learn, but its something that you learn with time, you kinda develop an ear for the correct sounds. So, when i tried to tune it nothing happened and it all went worse weird sounds. Then my bro tried to be too smart and broke off a string. He’s so funny, I didn’t know he had done something, but after one day he couldn’t keep the secret in his mouth and babbled it out. lol! That’s we call him ‘Randall’ from ‘The Recess’ cartoon. 🙂 Well, I asked my tutor t o drop in anytime this week and tune it for me, he said will try but he didn’t turn up so last monday he was surprised that I hadn’t done a thing. With little reminder he caught it was him missing, so no class, instead he changed some strings tuned it in, but I was not very happy with the sound of it, he said it ws the new strings, but I had doubts. The next day i.e yesterday Is at down with it and I just could n’t get myself to play coz really the sound wasn’t right. Now I may not know what the correct sound is, but I know what’s not the correct sound. I’ve asked my tutor for new strings and tuning help today again. Hopefully it will be as musical and soothing as before. Really, it was heartbreaking to see my guitar like that. Aww!

Then something about an old friend ‘S’, whom I have been in much drama with over the years and she has moved to Canada for a year now for work. She wouldn’t call and I tried a couple of times but not good response. She would call ‘A’ my other friend and then I would hear updated from her, which did not sound nice. She’s on Facebook and so I did always check her status and all, which I realized just made me sadder.

I once heard somewhere, that you should leave behind all that brings pain to ou, or something like that, and I realized this was bringing pain, it was something in the past that was good, but now dragging it into my present and hoping to get back what gone behind was only hurting. So, i wrote my status as something similar ‘If something that was joy and now only brings pain, is better to let go of. For All!’ and then removed her from my friends list. I don’t want to dig out this dead stuff and I’m not carrying the burden of it too. If it didn’t work then I cannot be the only reason right? I’m done mourning over it.  Huh! feel relieved!

Also something I am going to start is to ‘not be judgemental’, not form opinions quickly and also not see someone from other’s influenced POV. This should do me some good.

Yesterday, I completed one month (15 days to be precise) of going to gym and the scale has tilted to a kg less. It’s ok though. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m also having thoughts on starting yoga, but my past experience is stopping me. I used to do yoga and lost weight really well then I stopped, I think out of boredom, and then I puffed up so quickly, it was almost cheating or hidden side effect. Still thinking over it.

The last thing I want to talk about is work. Last friday plan to speak to my manager about the promotion did not happen, coz he wasn’t in office, now I am going there tomorrow.  Also I worked a few hours on Sunday night and so took my Monday as Comp off . Why do I feel I’ve already told you this?? Anyways, I so did not want to come to office. I was almost like a needle going through my heart inch by inch as the hours of monday night passed. I don’t know if this is how it’s with everyone, but the more time is going by, it’s getting more difficult to turn up after the weekend. Thankfully, once in office I am better. I don’t panic or cry or anything and do my work  i.e ofcourse after couple of hours of blogging pleasure.

Btw, I continuously follow this blog ‘The Compulsive Confessor’ and her blogs are totally amazing and she must be too. I started reading her blogs after I read her book ‘Here you are’ and it was sometime around the time when I had absolutely no work in office, so I started from her first blog and read through years of her life. It’s very interesting and honest. Nothing too fancy though.  Read it, its fun!

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Scattered things in my mind

It’s difficult to control your mind and I can say that very clearly now because I’ve noticed I’m always thinking something, not intentionally, but it just goes on and on. Just like in the mornings, when I’m ironing my clothes, brushing my teeth, these weird thoughts/conversations keep running in my head, sometimes arguments responses to some topic, sometimes its a replay of some drama series I have watches, sometimes the talks that someone else would do.. this is really difficult to explain, but in short it’s all bullshit going on. I literally have to tell myself to stop this crap and simply do what I am doing.

My mind is usually clouded with various things, sometimes these thoughts linger on for days. It’s so ridiculous that I don’t know what to do with them, maybe me calling my own ideas ‘ridiculous’ is the reason they don’t leave, I find them not important enough to be dealt with and yet they occupy much space in my mind…

What do I believe in? What do I have faith in?

This question has been there for a while now. I used to pray earlier but ever since college I’ve stopped. Now I mostly don’t feel it in me. It’s so numb. When I’m sad I do question god, but belief and faith haven’t shown their faces directly. Maybe in my heart I have them somewhere, but practicing them and feeling them hasn’t been happening.

I know the thing sin life that I believe in, honesty and hard work. But what drives me to believe they are real? How do i know in my heart that this is how it will be, i don’t know.

Faith. How do I build faith?

Sometimes I feel I don’t have faith in me. I don’t trust people, I’m so guarded all the time. In times of trouble, I don’t have the immoveable faith that tells me it will work out right. I don’t feel it. But I want to. Really! I want to feel that safety net around me that makes every fall jump back, I want it to be strong so that no words, people can budge it, I want to be part of something that is beyond our common senses, part of something that gives me strength.

Is there some mantra I need to repeat through the day? Will I see a dream that will guide me to my destiny and then I will have faith ? Does When do I know I have it? Is it with me already?

Why don’t I dress up well when I know I can. I don’t spend money on clothes. I stick to basics. If given the choice to buy something, I would buy something that is most basic and useful and not so much about great.In my mind I know what will work for me, but I just don’t take that effort to get it done. Is this just being lazy or maybe I don’t have the fashion hunger.

I don’t have a style of my own. I don’t give it importance. I know I would love to look good and feel good, but what keep me to be so on the safe side of things. Don’t I trust my judgement? Do I think I don’t deserve it?

Am I trying hard enough to reach my destiny? Am I missing out on something and that’s why things aren’t changing? Are things actually changing and I don’t see it?

Am i practical enough or have too much dreamy ideas? I think it’s mostly dreamy ones. Like for the kind of friends I want , the boyfriend should do this. Ohh.. maybe I already have too many expectations set up in my mind and when they don’t turn true I feel hurt.

Could I clean this expectations board into blank in my mind. I would love to accept people the way they are. Why is this so difficult, this is just what normal people do right. Am i not normal?? Great… now I’m questioning my being normal. Howzat!!

What am I meant to do in this world? What is my purpose?

If all this stops then maybe I will think clearly. Or maybe I don’t want to think at all.

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Why being Single is FABULOUS!!

In no particular order…here’s my list.  Please ADD to it..

– You can make & cancel plans on your own. Which means, no waiting up, no obligatory visits, no guilt of hurting anyone. Isn’t that just fab!!

– You can spend all that hard saved up  money on YOURSELF, instead of gifts for someone else. More shopping for me, wat could be better!

– You are officially allowed to eye every candy in the bar. And there’s no conscious cribbing in your mind and telling you to stop.

– You can go to all the places you love without having to worry about someone else’s preference. 

– You don’t have to hear the constant nags about ‘how much time you spend at the parlour’. So girls.. ready to spend the lazy afternoons in peace.

– There is more than 1 reason to go lingerie shopping and to feel pretty 😉

– No late night calls, when you dead tired and want to sleep. Phew!! such a relief!

– More time to gossip…

– Much time for all your fav stuff, watching ‘never been kissed’ for the nth time, reading M&B.

– You don’t have to pretend you’re intersted in that sport, that he so digs. Please I can watch all the drama series and feel great now.

– You certainly are off the worries about ‘how his friends are?’, ‘Is he looking decent to go out with?’ , ‘What are his weird secrets?’, ‘How many ex’s do I have to deal with?’

– Flirting, dating, unlimited…

– No more feeling conscious, ‘how much weight have i put on?’ .. okay, who am i kidding.. this will never go away. 😉

–   No nightmares on ‘where is this going?’

that’s all I can get down, but you please ADD Up…

P.S: Was starting a rather grumpy and ranting post in the morning, but glad I finished this instead.

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Easier said than done..

Something got this idea in my head and somehow I couldn’t forget it till today, so here it is, the things that we all find so easy to say but are much difficult to actually act on..

When in rejection phase Love yourself – now I’m sure we all love ourselves and that’s one big reason or maybe the only reason that we are selfish, but this is in times where others around you start pointing the wrongness in you. I think more that anything its acceptance that really we crave. Isn’t it. I find it so easy to tell others that the first person they should love madly is themselves and I’ve read it so many places, but here’s the truth, when others stop accepting you, you start to reject yourself too.

You’ll get overt him/her in a day – This one is so not true, but a little comforting yes.  The getting over depends on how much emotional attachment you had with the person and also how soon you find someone new. I once read this article on how ‘you fall into a relationship with the person who pulls you out of the heartbreak from  a previous one’.  We’re just humans and all these feelings, sympathy, care, pity, love, they all get so mixed up.

 Don’t think about it – Ya right!!  If only I could control my brain so effectively. If something is wrong then how come I don’t think about it, that’s the only thing I will think about.

You know it’s not right –  Well, yes. But when you’re sure that all the laws and rules in this world are wrong and only our perspective to be right, it doesn’t help ya.

He’s a jerk, don’t date him – Now see just when ou said ‘don’t’ I heard ‘do’. And besides the high you get from dong something everyone’s saying not to, is good. Secretly is really good high.

 

Lot more things coming to my mind… but need to get back at work..

You can share your stuff too….

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My eyes will pop out anytime now..

and that’s because it seems like I haven’t slept in ages, which is so not true (I slept past the gym hour on Monday and Tuesday) as I have only not slept well yesterday. seriously, sleep is a good investment and much largely ignored, especially by stupid people like me. I’ve been in the office for almost 3 hours now and although I’m not sleeping I can’t say I’m awake either. I’m yawning, rubbing my eyes, word son the monitor going blurry, shaking my head to see clear, raising my eyebrows to stop the drooping eyes and it feels like someone has stuck toothpicks in my eyes (like in TOM and Jerry show). Aarrggh!

I slept late yesterday around 12ish and then today morning awoke up at 6, which is what my routine was pretty much, but since I started going to the gym I think much rest is needed, which explains the missing monday and tuesday yeah!  Oh did I forget to tell you’all, gym started again, its been almost three weeks now and just yesterday I weighed myself and guess what, I’m down 1.5kg already. But then considering I put on 5kg since the last time I left gym, so there is a long way to go. *blurry screen, shake head*. better.

I’ve also started to eat healthy, so no mayonee sandwich for breakfast instead i get almost non-butter sandwich from home, then some in-between snack like fruits, or tea and biscuits, then lunch, which again I most try to get from home unless mom had cooked only potato curry for dinner (which is what happened today). Then evening I go and take tea and some biscuits. Then after gym I either miss dinner or just take a glass of milk or a bowl of vegetable curry/pulses.

I know all my health and diet stuff isn’t the best thing to read, but the point is I’m making an effort. Right?

Something also very funny happened, so Monday I had my guitar class and my tutor came and taught and he was tuning it and then broke the e sharp string. He replaced it and then tuned the guitar again. The nest day I picked it up to play and it sounded so out. I tried to tune it  but no luck, finally I texted him that this was a guitar emergency and he will have to come to tune it for me. Funny na! well it did seem at that time 🙂

Btw boys playing guitar look so sexy! It adds such an appeal to them, I feel that. But How about girls playing guitar? Is that sexy, or looks sexy?

And ya, I am going to talk to my manager about my promotion tomorrow. The last appraisal I was told it would be in July2010, so I’m hoping that was not a lie.  Excited? Yes, the  salary hike is what I actually am after.

Also, I made a friend at work sometime back, she works from a different location and we talk on the phone a lot, and I do visit her office sometime and then we chat. Let’s call her ‘P’ and she will be introducing me to her boyfriend tomorrow, which I think will be fun and also felt good, cause you know I don’t have any friends and especially the office ones just like to keep it to office only, so ya I felt good about that. ‘P’ also plays guitar and that’s one of the things we bonded over. 🙂

It’s also been ages since I went clubbing and so also been ages since I got my legs waxed. But I will get that done today after work, hopefully that will bring some clubbing scene in picture.

Ohh.. but I miss that time. you know, when we used to go clubbing every weekend. It was so much fun. Mostly things have changed because of the two boys we used to go out with. First is ‘K’, who has gone to London to study and I’m really happy for him and second is Mr. Buttface ‘A’ whom I so hate right now. He still lives here, doesn’t call, doesn’t make plans and had been saying ‘no’ to all my plans for 4 months, so I told him I will not ask him a anymore. I don’t know why he’s become such an uncle. Ass that he is!

Anyways, ya so that’s pretty much everything. And blurry screen is happening little less now, but seriously all I’m planning on how quickly I will sleep in the cab on way back home. 6 more hours to go.. Hmmm…

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You know you’ve been single for way too long..

when these weird thoughts come to your mind..

Okay! I’m just saying what’s all in my stupid head, tell me if any of it has/ is true for you?

Just before we start the term ‘too long’ can be really variable for everyone..

 Am I still a good kisser??

Should I put on the lip gloss (when going to next grocery store), maybe I’ll meet someone nice there. Really?? Logic just leaves you alone.

Oohh.. that waiter looks kinda cute! OMG! did I just say I like the waiter.. what’s wrong with me?

Should I shop for sexy lingerie? Does it make sense, I mean I don’t know when I can put it to its actual use.

Why am I not meeting new people? Am I not on the most popular social networking sites? maybe there is a new place everyone’s been logging on..

My boss is soo cute.. aahhh.. if only he wasn’t married..or maybe what if he is.. Oh god! someone should chain my thoughts.

Should I change my organisation to a more cooler one, in short where you know they have maximum bachelor rate?

Is it going to be weird with someone new? *think for a long time* Will I be able to be comfortable? ..oohh this is scary.

I just joined the new gym.. secretly hoping, there are many cute and eligible guys there.. you see my point.. totally wrong intentions at the wrong places

I have scanned every face in my office & home neighbourhood and really not one person that I like.. isn’t that odd?

Where is my prince charming??  really this long empty time does make you believe in stupid stuff..hehe

hahaha.. it’s all so funny and stupid.. but crap happens..

And if someone is going to say that I haven’t been single for that long.. it has.believe me!

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