Monthly Archives: December 2008

Ready for New love or not?

Its been almost 2 years since I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I’m not gonna waste words on why we broke up and it literally seems a waste of words to me. So anyways, now that I have over with whatsoever post break up phases except ‘get into another relationship/fling’.

So am i ready to share my time and live and love? Well i guess i would like to a boyfriend who is cute, smart, handsome, intelligent, funny, adventurous and decent guy, who’s also cool and down to earth, has lots of cool friends and who loves me, adore me, and is simply crazy about me(in a sane way plz). And yes I would like to feel the same for him too. But then why haven’t i been seeing any guys yet?  I think its been long enough now. Its a mix of ‘I always meet jerks ‘ and ‘I have no stamina to put so much efforts into making it work’.   I also happen to keep looking around for my kina guy.

Since when has finding the right guy become ‘FINDING’ in literal terms. I think it would be great if we just meet and become friends, date and fall for each other. But then what do my eyes keep looking for? Am i ready for a relationship? I think i am for a light one, but the right guy hasn’t come around yet.

So what if I hardly go to parties and even when i do I’m very doubtful of other intentions and am happy all by myself. And when i find someone close to ‘my-kina-guy’, he’s either hooked with some girl or he eyeing my sister( this makes me really mad) or he’s doesn’t even look my way. What going on here? I have no clue.  But hey i always look around ok. And yes I also fantasize a little at times, you know make my own sweet dreams of how and when we meet. How amazing i look and how cute and smart he is and how we click so well and also sometimes the following events ( ok always ) 🙂 But in my dreams i’m very casual and drop my guards, but when in reality i’m so conscious and feel very vulnerable. maybe i need some practice at this.

Another thing is I am very conservative when it comes to love connections and stuff. It has to mean something and I cannot see myself having flings. Ok flings are supposed to be good right? But i don’t see how kissing a stranger and exchanging my number to the guy who I’m meeting for the first time will ever mean anything or will he ever have some respect for me ever and more than that will i ever have some respect for myself? Now its not that i haven’t done stupid stuff, but i don’t like to think of that much but that haunts me. my mistakes and follow my thoughts as shadows and remind me of wrong i was. So flings are not for me.

so what do you’ll think? maybe tonight on the New Years party i will meet someone special? i.e if i go 😉

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New Years eve Plans

One day to go. A New Year, a new start, new hopes, new lessons and no regrets(hopefully).

My plans for the evening? Well, those of you who know me even little,  will know that there no ‘bunch of friends’ waiting for me to join them. Having said that,lets see how many people I could have actually made plans with: 

1)One of my friends has gone to of station to celebrate with his family, I’m kind of relieved on that thought coz i don’t know what would having him around bring to me, maybe the worse of me & remind me of the horrible last years event and followings or maybe a slight chance of overwriting the memories with some good ones. But I am happy that he’s not here. It really makes me feel so wrong to think of what all happened(whatsoever i remember of it) and it makes me feel like CRAP! lets not go there again. 

2)My only internet buddy. He did ask me about my plans and since i had nothing definite, so I asked him to count me in for their group plan. This is a very wierddifferent kind of friendship. This guy is sweet and nice and I used to chat a lot with him, but then i really don’t know him like you should know a friend. I think we are somewhere between acquaintance and friends. I’m sure i won’t be joining his group even if nothing else materialises.

3) My sister and her friends. Now i have always complained that i feel like a drag when out with this bunch, but they are sometimes fun. Lets see what they come up with. These girls just want some guys to have fun with( mostly decent kind of) and I cannot go out and be all friendly or trust someone you hardly know. So i don’t make much plans with them rather than finding myself around bunch of unknown people.

Thats my list, finished! That didn’t take time! 🙂 As far as i’m guessing it might be my siter i’ll be with ( if some known faces are joining them) or else I’m gonna be at home, watching the britney Spears confession program on Zee Cafe.

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Few series I(try to) follow.

I know I’m really fond of TV and movies too. Like most of the girls i too like romantic stories and Romantic Comedies are the best. Action and Fiction only makes sense to me sometimes, haven’t found out exactly when though. So some TV series I really like (apart from FRIENDS, SEINFELD & JOEY) are:

1. Heroes ( the supernaturl power is WOW! concept)

2. Brothers & Sisters ( i love the story)

3. Gilmore girls (Milo is soo cute)

4. Kyle XY ( this maybe coz Kyle is soo cute)

5. Entourage (Vince is HOT and the KING lifestyle but simple people does the trick)

6. Sex in the City – I love the narrations. So honest!

7. Bones ( I love the chemistry b/w bones n her partner)

8.   Beverly Hills 90210 – old series – ya I’m watching it for the first time – i love Brandon and Brenda

9.  Beverly Hills 90210 – new series – Yes, I’m watching both the old and new side by side. Its fun! I love the Extra High School Drama and spoilt brats.

10. Gossip girl – all the guys are so cute and the girls really DRESS UP WELL

11. The OC – how could i forget, Seth Collins & Summer.

12. America’s Next Top Model – even though I’m behind by 2 years, the Drama is good.

13. Wonder Years – Kevin Arnold.

14. Army Wives – I love the woman bonding and the story is so real.

Ya thats all that I remember right now. So now you know I love watching the television. It might look that  I have nothing better to do, but i think this is a better thing to do. Enjoy your time as you like it. 🙂

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A glance at where I am.

I have been working for 1 year and 4 months now( at the same place) and seem to be doing good too. Recently got my yearly appraisal and was very happy with it comparatively to what others in my organisation got, although it was less than my target i has set but its good. I’m happy about it and feeling llittle weird too. I’m happy because its good for me, my family, we can spend more rather the circumstances that we will need to borrow money will be little less or maybe not there at all, depending on how we manage the money, which is another thing I haven’t been able to nail down. And now ‘llittle wierd’  because this means to make all that happy stuff true I will have to be here. I’m not sure how long but still it means that I am certainly here for sometime. But I want a job in New York.  So yes its weird to accept this and all i do is deny it and i think i am happy that way. So lets leave it there.

Then next on my mind is the novel I wanted to write, I made an announcementand have not gone much ahead to anywhere. I was very determined when i said i will start but now its just that i haven’t been thinking about it much. The only thought that comes to me is a commitment i had made to myself and that too to gain pure joy out of it, but I haven’t felt much like moving ahead with it. Its somewhat between lack of ideas and just not getting to a point where i want to write it down. Mostly whenever I have the urge to pen down i start judging it, will anyone read it, will they like it, what about the language and this and that. And then finally i leave the ideas there all grilled up. So I’m thinking that i shouldn’t think so much and whatever crap comes to my mind i will pen them. Later when i get an editor (heheh, i am smiling like an idiot right now) then we can edit the crap and take the best out. 

Then my work on some social help area, ya i did gather my guts and take my first step. Thought of giving it a good shot atleast. now its pending response from the other end. so am bit relieved on that too.

My dance is going great. The twice a week is good thing and like always I’m having fun there.

I have not been to the gym for 12 days now and am in a state of confusion whether to carry on or not. I wanted to try ‘The law of attraction’, ‘the secret’  and get slim and look the way i wanted to be, but am not sure what thoughts i have in mind when i go to the gym, coz if my predominant thought is ‘to loose weight’, then that will not work as according to the  ‘the secret’ it will bring more situations where i have to think of ‘loosing weight’. Then on the other hand what if i go to the gym for fitness, strenght and stamina. Should i quit all that? I’m really confused on this one. But i will find an answer soon.

So that ‘s where I am right now and i think its ok in here apart from the confusion part please.

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My first post on blogger.

My first eblog: Yesterday’s events

I’m starting from yesterday’s events, don’t know why i feel like writing about it though as nothing eventful happened. And that makes me think whether is this gonna be a trend I’m gonna follow here, writing about the ‘in the past’ stuff. Well, i don’t want to and on second thought its just yesterday not months or years ya!

I usually wake up at 5:30 AM, yes people that’s “AM” and its because my work timings are early 7am-4pm. Its somewhat by choice, actually a lot by choice and adding to it is that this timing makes my work easy too you know, co-ordinating with the team in another continent and stuff. Well, so I woke up feeling its Friday. Now I can’t explain how ‘you feel certain days’, you have to feel them, the mood, the psyche, the attitude, many things. So if you know what I’m talking about good else I can’t help you, sorry. I slept in the cab (different from what i used to do few weeks earlier, that is read), but since its really dark so its better to warm my seat and snug in it, with my ipod shuffle on all the way of course, this is good coz i listen to what i want and second it saves me from the mood dependent music the driver plays. Yes, I’m lucky to not have to drive myself to work. Reached office to find I didn’t have any thing much to do (unlike most times), this just made sleep fill my eyes again but i couldn’t stretch my legs and start dreaming, so i found a way to dream without stretching my legs, i lay on my desk and took a few 10 minute naps being interrupted by none but myself thinking someone might be watching me. It didn’t do much but still it was ok. The day went by yawning, net surfing, reading some stuff, writing some and again yawning, cup of tea, lunch, reading , cup of tea and time to go home. But i didn’t have to go home, i had to go for my Jazz dance class. Finally something interesting i think. So I took an different cab from my usual cab and asked clearly if it was going the way i wanted to, they agreed and i hoped into the middle row window seat. I always keep a novel in my bag to help me avoid awkward situations and sometimes for good time pass when I’m not sleepy. I was reading it again with my ipod on when i saw the person next to me swinging in sleep and with the first sharp turn we took her head landed on my shoulder. ‘Okay’ i thought. I’m very and highly individualistic, to extents where i find such stuff awkward and get stiff and conscious. So I was sitting still for 15 minutes, in between when she kept landing and taking off her head from my shoulder and was thinking of whether i should ask her to move a little to the other side, but couldn’t decide. That’s such a bad thing, coz even i started feeling sleepy and slept off ( not on any one’s else’s shoulder please).
When i woke up we were at some strange place that I’ve never been to. I asked the driver for the place where i needed to go and he said we didn’t take that route. Crap! So he said i can get off a place that is very close to my destination and i did to find an auto and get to my dance class and i was 5 minutes late, another 3 minutes of walking to studio, changing and getting on the floor.

Seeing myself in that mirror dancing gives me enormous joy. I feel so good about myself and my life. It brings so much assurance to my mind, body and soul.

Assures my mind as it brings joy that my life is more to it than just my job, that my creativity is alive and also reminds that i will never become like all those boring people see in office all day.

Assures my body that i care for myself, i don’t neglect myself and work on my body with dedication.

Assures my soul that i am keeping alive one more thing that bring me to life and makes me feel free.

The class is fun and though i don’t know anyone there but i feel so in place, like i belong here and want to spend more time here. The class ends after some challenging workout and fun dance. I change and leave for home, take a hitch form one of the batch mates (like last Saturday), the only guy in the class actually, he’s from Chennai and preparing for IAS. We chat along on the way about ‘Delhi girls’ and their habits and ways. He tries to trigger a ‘i thought your boyfriend..’ question to know if I’m single and i make it more than clear that I’m single and happy and not looking for anything. He goes on about it for a while and i start getting irritated and change the topic something less irritating, like listening to his love story and then drift back to ‘Delhi girls’. Reach home, snug into the blanket, troubled my brother and sister with some childish stuff and my smelly feet (eeuh they really smell bad!), ate some pakora’s but didn’t enjoy them, they tasted good but missed the fun of fighting over them with my siblings as they had already stuffed themselves before i reached, watched ‘Seinfeld’ and ‘Friends’ and drifted off to sleep, woke up 4 hours later, went to my room, pulled out my clothes for next day and went off to sleep again.

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The resolutions that i remember.

I can’t find my resolution that i made last year. GOD! anyways, I’m gonna list whatever i remember of them here, so in Jan09 I can strike off the completed ones. 🙂

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary

5. Personal – take care of health

6. Family – manage funds well

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work

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