Monthly Archives: July 2009

Generally speaking.

Its happened more than a few times now that I open up wordpress thinking of writing something and then I start reading other blogs and end up not writing anything. Not blaming others, its just that sometimes you only have a  moment to say something, you either let it out right then or will never, something like that.

Its weird really, I am sitting in my office at my desk, actually chair, so why do we use the phrase ‘sitting at my desk’? anyways, and listening to some sad + romantic+ feelings type+melodious songs (I’m thinking i need to change the list of songs on my desktop, something peppy maybe)  and smelling the coffee aroma from the cup in front of me (which is now not allowed, no beverages, eatables at your desk) and I’m lost, like literally lost, I need to pull myself to bring my mind to work and so what I ought to.

I’m so tired of asking the same questions to myself  & God, there are no answers. I try to look for clues, signs, something, anything. Tell me what I want? I’m here and doing fine, but every now and then I feel lost. I seem to feel so out of place.

The weather is clearing out after a good rain and heavy clouds since last evening, I wish my mind would be clear too. I think about it and nothing I know. I’ve tried ignorance and all it makes me feel is a loser. I’ve wanted so much but haven’t achieved quite much. How can you want something you don’t even know? I know I want to be doing what I’m passionate about, but what is that? When will life take a turn for good and take me to where I belong ? There’s so I want, so much of what I don’t even know.

Silence makes me aware of my ignorance and thoughts only tell more of what a wrong place I am at, yet I go on, I have to, I owe it to my family.

A thought comes to my mind, how can my focus be so limited. I hear of people doing it all together, responsibilities, love, finding their dreams, getting health. And all I do is try and try. Will this pay off? ever?

When everything seems like a burden, is there a need to drop everything and leave ? I don’t think I have the guts to do that either.

where am I? and why?

I so need to stop that listening to those sad songs .. after this one maybe.

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A shift to happier thoughts…

I came in this morning feeling OK, in-spite the fact that I have been to office on both the weekends and yesterday I reached back home at midnight and got up this morning at 6am and was in office by 7:30am. Maybe as this was the first time for working 7 days in a row and that too not all hours. Anyways, so after few minutes into the office my head was buzzing with thoughts, yes, useless and torturing thoughts, the kind that make you feel like your head was to explode if it made an effort to resolve what was happening inside. There were thoughts of what and how and when and past experiences and judgement and self criticism and hell of other things.  I opened the blog to write something, but again putting the thoughts on the blog would make it a fact and less ignores, it would become a proof of their existence and also not much of a read for others or myself  in later years (which I think is also a reason this blog will serve), so I didn’t put them down and decided to do some reading and then came upon this post . This really made me want to change my thoughts and I ran some thoughts of seeing myself going to New York and living happily there and my feelings switched from confused to happy and smiley. Also switched my songs list to chirpy and make-me-wanana-dance songs from sad-drowning songs.

I have read about the law of attraction and don’t doubt its work, but the thing is until you yourself experience it you will never know how it works, somewhat like swimming I think, you can see others move their legs and hands and cross the pool but when you’re in the water you need to figure out yourself and how your body needs to move to stay afloat. Well, I did learn swimming after not loosing hope and trying, so maybe this ‘law of attraction’ too is round the corner to come true. Like I read (and also have it on my office desk) “Whenever I hear, ‘It can’t be done’, I know I’m close to success”

I want to become the positive person who vibrates with enthusiasm and lives life in the best way under all circumstances. I want to run my own life.

target for today : Keep the happy feelings intact throughout the day.

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I can swim :)

Its been 2 and half months since I’ve joined the ‘Swimming Coaching’ batch at YMCA, CP  and yesterday I was finally swimming. When I say swimming what I really mean is staying afloat with you head up in deep water. I think this is what is calling swimming, surviving in the water, everything else is all technique. I have been doing free style swim for past 1 and half months and my fear from water went away in the first week itself, but what kept me away was “What if I stop in the middle, somewhere in the deep where my feet don’t touch the bottom with my head up? What if I loose breath or my feet/hands hurt and I need to stop moving ?”  Seriously! I wanted to learn a way to be in the water without any assistance.

Yesterday while on my way to the the pool ( which is about 45 min, so people some applause here for my determination, PS:  It comes naturally, I think I got it from my dad) I was thinking about what have I been doing in that pool for past 2 months, free style swimming until I could hold my breath and then splashing here and there to somehow get to the wall, not much right. But then I thought about how I just cannot leave something in the middle of it, give up on it and myself, so I told myself (mentally, yes lot of self talk creeps in at travelling hours) that I will complete what I came for, I wanted to learn to swim and I will learn it and guess what I practiced some Breast strokes and then my instructor got me standing straight in the water doing the breast stroke. I crossed the entire breadth doing that (I thought it was called breast stroke, but then I was standing will straight legs and doing the frog leg, so I don’t know what that would be) . I repeated this for 2-3 times and covered entire breadth each time, without drowning or assistance! Then we went for a jump into 12 feet and I started the dog style paddling and I did it just fine, better than fine. After that I kept dog style paddling for 5-10 minutes and then time was up. But now I can stay in the water, no mater how deep.

My next focus is breast stroke, free style with perfect hand movements and covering the length (in any style, even dog paddle will do).

I’m feeling great, finally something achieved after a long stagnant phase. I couldn’t stop smiling yesterday and now too :)) Cheers to me !!

And one thing, from next month the late evening time will be closed, so there will 5:30 -6:30 time only in evening, I want to go for that but I heard sunshine or no sunshine you DO get tanned in that hour if in open water. Any thoughts???

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How difficult can it be to know what you Really Want?

“Its not at all difficult, just listen to you heart” they say, butwhat if your heart only speaking beats and no words, what if you don’t know this language that your heart speaks?  What if you don’t know how to get there? To that quiet place where you can be calm ans still and where you might, just might know something about what you really want. 

I’ve been here for sometime now, this strange and lonely place. Everything seems to be passing by me, over me and all I do is be a spectator. I live outside and yet I don’t know where. There’s a sound of emptiness, undiscovered , hollow. Its like a black hole of some kind, where no matter what you fill your life with, it all vanishes and your heart is still not there where it wants to be. Ignorance has been my tool for sometime, but that is just another way of fooling yourself. The journey of self discovery cannot be covered in a day, but you need to start to get anywhere. I’ve tried to tell myself that I will like this, this where I am and what I am, that in sometime I will get used to and accept that this is where I should be and what I should do and I would love it. But now I see 2 years have passed and I still question my heart to tell me what I really want? I will get there if only I know what it is, I will and I know it. But I don’t know.

When life seems so normal and steady, I feel like I have no reason and no purpose. I feel guilty to think this way and think myself as selfish. I stop myself and indulge in what I have at hand right now. But again in moments of free mind, I know that I am fooling myself. How can you give yourself to something you don’t love? I am fooling myself.

I wish I never knew all this. I wish to be dumb at times and maybe that would have made me so happy. I wish  I thought less and didn’t feel so empty and lost.

Right now, the only solace I think I can find, is in God. I will pray to God to bring me to my purpose, to show me te way, to show me a sign. I will pray. I will keep faith. He will bring me to my destiny and my reason to be here. I know I am meant to go places and be so much more, I will believe that he will be my Interpreter and help me understand my fate and my heart.

In few of my posts, I have got comments that read ‘may you find peace’ and if that is what you can feel when you read the words that are not even half of what my mind is going through in days, then imagine what I feel every moment before I type these words out. I don’t ask for pity, I ask for peace with myself, yet pity for self is what it seems like.

I will Pray today. Please pray for me too.

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Trying to play it too safe, as good as not playing at all.

I feel like I restrict myself to too much and make too a many conceptions in my head and try to follow them, hoping that they would be the right way and take me to the right path, but what I end up doing is ‘Nothing’, nothing at all, I don’t take the first step, so how can I possibly know whether it is right or wrong. These conceptions of right and wrong have filled my head too much.

Things that made me realize this are far too prominent to be ignored ans unnoticed.

My mind has divided much stuff into ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. What the hell happened to ‘what you feel like’ and ‘instinct’. Am I ignoring all this and sticking to a guide to live my life and how I should be and feel and what I should do. There are no ‘shoulds’. I will have to scrap this from my mind, like literally scrap.

There’s a part of me afraid to take control and take ownership. I feel too much is at stake and I’m not prepared to risk anything, especially when my family is also concerned with the outcome. So what I’ve been doing, is just what is neat and effortless and also risk-less. Its simple and boring and predictable. I need to trust myself and know I can handle this. But the responsibility is what scares me. I truly feel scared of taking responsibility and having an impact of my decisions on my family, yes I fear failure and their suffering, but then am I not already taking the responsibility right now? Am I not dragging it like a load on me and feeling burdened. What if I try a risk and its turns out good.? Why am I not considering that situation too? I am not living, instead I’m just living. Its not that bad as it sounds when I write it, but if you look at in the long term it is. If i keep killing my believe in myself and my creativity and that I can be different and simply life on the safer edge then what will become of me 5 years from now? I have to start somewhere. I know I’m better than this and I’m special to make it big, but I will have to be sensible  and bold enough to take the first step.

But then there’s also this fear of people hurting me if I trust them. I feel vulnerable for myself, for protecting my family and to keep this fear from surfacing I automatically become super rude and stone type. I don’t trust people easily, I don’t like anyone coming to my house, I don’t trust men, especially strangers and workers type. I feel scared of something I don’t know. Maybe I should expect the best,  now, from everything and every situation.

 I want to start from a clean slate, like kids, with nothing on my mind only happiness and fun. Can I ?

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Movies, Shy boys n stuff..

I watched this movie yesterday with my family, it was mom’s birthday and we all went out for movie and dinner.

So about the movie I watched ‘New York’, its about 3 friends living in New York and how after the 9/11 everything changes for them. So before the drama begins, there’s a romantic thing in the movie. Well 3 friends, one girl 2 boys, what do you think? Correct, both of them fall for the girl and the girl but of-course can only like one of them. So I’m all sympathy for the left alone guy. He automatically gets all the oooh and then the puppy eyes also help.

But the point I want to make is that why do we like these heartbroken ones? How come we don’t go all ‘aaahhhh’ over the one who got the girl / boy? And why are mostly the heartbroken ones the shy and sweet ones?

I totally go for tragedy and heartbreaks. Even now I’m listing to the sad song from the movie that play in the background when the shy guy realizes that he’s been an ass thinking the girl likes him while she admits her love for the other guy in front of him. The song is ‘Tune Jo Na Kaha’ (nice track!). And when I listen to this song I’m remembering his face, shy and sweet and innocent and hurt and broken. I feel like I could hug him right now.

I know its all a sympathy trick in the  movies, but then why does it touch us so much more than the happy couple? Is it maybe because pain is more penetrating? I think somehow we all relate to being heartbroken and no matter how not alike the situation maybe the pain always seems to be the same kind. 

But see I’ve not had this kind of experience, not with someone I know. Yes, with people I don’t know and have crush on and who have never spoken to me and vice verse, obviously they have gone with others and I’ve felt like an idiot, not because they should be with me, but I didn’t even take a step towards them.  That’s how silly I am.

I like these sweet shy and innocent boys in the movies, but if I talk of my guy, then I wouldn’t want him to be anywhere like this. I want him to be open and talk it out, also not so emotional, it somehow portrays vulnerable to me, however I know every human is emotional, but I would want him to be sensible emotional and not emotional emotional.

So much about what I want.

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Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams..

Finally monsoon season is here. It was so overdue.

 I like this season. It makes you feel cozy and also makes you want to get all cuddly (although I have no one to cuddle with, not even a pet and I don’t think me troubling my sister by rubbing her tummy, can be counted here). The fresh washed leaves with lush green color that you only see in monsoons, my eyes turn soft and I take deep breaths and feel the wind travelling to my lungs. I get all dreamy and look outside the window (right now whatever is open in office) and remember my boarding school days, the 100 years old building with green moss emerging from cracks, the huge windowsills that became our french windows (never knew of this term then) to sit and chit chat about our homes and families(this was a way too common but favourite topic). I like the rain, I can sit and watch it for for long time (haven’t noted the limit).

One more thing that I’m realizing is that it makes me so much more observatory and admire-y(towards other things) and not to draw something out of it. Don’t think that said what I wanted to, let me try again.  I keep looking at things and keep admiring them, the leaves, the raindrops, their angle, raindrops under the street light, the sky and its inseparable shades and all this with no intention or plan to draw a result or conclusion. I just like to keep looking and admiring. Its peaceful and still and calm.

 

Btw I love that song by Hillary Duff.

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams,

let it wash away my sanity.

 Coz I wanna feel the thunder I want to scream.

Let the rain fall

.aaahhh….

I’m coming clean’

 

What about you, how does the monsoon make you feel? Any memories it brings back?

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