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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.


I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.


I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.


So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.


I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.


We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.


A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.


He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.


He got me thinking.. I am still…


And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”



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After  almost half day, I got the first glimpse of my office crush today. Im not madly in love with him, but a glimpse of him just makes my day. you know how i love to have crushes right! 🙂

and well instantly my hands moved on the keyboard and this song came up..i even have the tune for it, maybe will record it on guitar too 🙂

I’m standing there at a distance watching u
talking to someone but i see only you
I begin to wonder what it would be like
to be the one that you’re talking to

when you infornt of me
i just cant look up
and when you talk to me
i feel my tongue tied up
something about u makes me so nervous
im just a little bit..just a little bit
in love ..yeah ..i think ..its love
staring glances of you is how i pass my hours
i cant focus on work until is see you once
wondering all the time, what do u think of me
wondering and a little more wondering
when you infornt of me
i just cant look up
and when you talk to me
i feel my tongue tied up
something about u makes me so nervous
im just a little bit..just a little bit
in love ..yeah ..i think ..its love
When you walked up to, my whole face lit up
i didnt even know u knew who i was
until you said that you think i look pretty
and would it be okay if we could get some coffee

I just froze right there
had to pinch myself
to see reality and not wonder thoughts
you were there with me
right in front of me
and i kept smiling at you
coz i knew maybe …you were
just  a little bit..jus a little bit
in love ..yeah…in love with me

And just after I finsihed writing this, he came to the open meeting desks right ahead of my seat and sat there for 10 mins, i just couldn’t stop looking at him 🙂 coincidence or a sign??

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Resolutions 2011!

Like I had promised to this blogspace, you all and are the Resolutions if they have been accomplished

1. Wow I can speak French!   I started learning in April 2011 via Online tutorials and if I got lucky to meet someone to practice speaking it with too. I started Start date – April 2011. It’s the end of the year and I can speak proper entire grammatically correct sentences in French now. Merci beau coup!

2. I got an awesome 20% hike in salary from June 2011 onwards.

3.  I had got my passport in June 2011.

4.  I had got released from my last project in July 2011 and then I got my awaited Onsite project for New York in August 2011. Amazing!!! I was so thrilled ! YAY!! I’ve also been earning a lot of money here and saving almost 40% of it, even after I send 40% home and have 20% to myself, its more than enough for me.

5.  My apartment in New York is amazing. Its exactly what I had dream of. So much like Carrie’s apartment.

6. I’ve learned how to save money. I had been saving 10% of my salary since April 2011 until I moved to New York.  And I saved it all and gave it to mom before coming here.

7.  I learnt how to swim underwater in summers of 2011.

8. I have been a religious follower of Yoga since March 2011. Its become part of my life now, part of me, its just as important as waking up for me. I weighed myself in beginning of June 2011 to be 50 kgs and today I just weighed to be at the same.

9. I have learnt so much Yoga this year. I read books and then took some classes back in India. It really opened my mind to so many new things about our life, body, peace. I just started teaching Yoga here in New York at a centre.

10. I have finished my first novel. It is in review with many publishers and the offers are pouring in. I started writing it in July 2011 and completed it in November 2011.

11. Boys had been plenty this year. I had dated 3 guys back in Delhi, obviously one at a time and they were all nice. 2 indians and 1 firang. It was a good experience and I also parted as friends with them, no ugly endings, coz we were on the same page before starting anything. Here in New York, I have been dating guys, and mentionable is only 1 since, he’s who I’m currently dating. So far so good.

12.  I have learnt so much about nutrition. partly along with Yoga and also because in March 2011 I had developed a liking for cooking. I try and expirement and its usually good.

13. I have been taking good care of myself since April 2011, and I feel and look beautiful ,my skin is glowing and clear, my hair is strong and shiny, my abs and thighs are tight and maintained. I love it!

14.  Mom n sis have taken car and moved to a beautiful house in Delhi with a big lawn. I’ve been sending good money there and they’re putting into the house & car EMI.

15. I did great in jazz at Delhi, got promoted, was able to do 3 pirouettes and then when I came to New York i found this amazing studio near my place. I’ve been learning  there  almost every day and its getting better. I can do a full split now. 🙂 Believe me!

16 . As a person also I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome my fear of people not liking me and how I wanted to please everyone. I feel more confident today and its not only because of the looks, its more because I accept myself and the face that not everyone can like me. I am more relaxed and sorted now.

17. I have been travelling so much around New York. Almost every weekend I make plans with friends here. Its great to see this country. Next month December 2011, is planned for Europe – Italy. With the one i’m dating now. 🙂 wow!!

18. I had also won the Fiction writing contest for a magazine in India in April 2011.

19. I got a tattoo done from Kat Von De Camp in Miami. Its brilliant!!

20. I have also generated a good habit of brushing my teeth before sleep since March 2011. :)))

That was One hell of a Year!! Totally amazing!!!

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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.


It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!


I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.


Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.


So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.


4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!


5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.


6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.


P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.


Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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2 weeks without sleep..

Okay not without, but very less sleep and that makes you sleepy and want to crash on the floor whenever you get even a second free. actually has been that long since I left everything in my slow paced routine life and moved into a full swing-zapping-past-me-blurring-my-ability-to-think  week. Wow!!!


So my last post was about the V-Day that was Monday, continuing on….


The next two days at work were super busy. Lot of work and very less time. I stayed back a few days and totally missed out on my workout and diet plan (whatever was there of it). Thursday morning I got a call from the dance instructor who had borrowed money from me,which he had to forcefully return after I made a 100 calls and finally let other instructor at the office know about, anyways he called and said he had some passes to a dance show thing and I could have them if I wanted. I have never got free passes by myself, and I was excited about it, so I forgot that he is the biggest liar in the world, and I said if he could send them over to my office. He said he had sent them and then I asked my frenz, K and Nick and Tarun and my sis. All were up for it. Then I had make another 10 texts and calls to that Liar to find out why I hadn’t received the passes yet. He lied a lot again and I knew I was not going to get them. I felt totatlly stupid about getting so excited over it and asking my frenz about it.


Anyways, so this acquaintance of ours from Morocco, ‘Sash’ ( though K and Tarun), who’s in India for an internship, she called to say that there was a costume party thingy at her place and her firang(foreigner) friends would be there too, so we should come, and its ok if we don’t have the costumes ready. I asked everyone if we wanted to go there and so me, sis , Nick and K went. These people were so sporty, they bought costumes for each other and we had drinks and then the all had to go out to a club dressed like that. I would never do such a thing!!! I’m so bloody horribly conscious in my normal clothes, in my own skin…shit!! But I think also the adventure of being in a different country brings out a new side of you.


So we all went to this club where drinks were free for expats and we had to pay for our drinks. We were little lost in the group, coz we all only knew Sash and Nick didn’t even know her. But after sometime it got good and we danced around, my feet killed me which is equal to a party well enjoyed 🙂 . I like this cute and funny guy in the group, but I don’t think he was interested. All the firang guys were dancing around with all the girls and there were weird cheap Indian guys around, who came to stare or hit chance at making out with some firangi girls.


K had a good time, and Nick seemed bored. I was not just around him only, I thought it’d be good if spoke around and made some friends, Plus I was so not wanting to hear any comments from sis or K about him or me being interested in each other.

We left the place really late and then everyone was hungry, so we made a stop at a 24/7 open place and had some food. Relaxed and got horribly late. I reached home at 4am and had office at 8am next day. I slept for couple of hours and then got into cab and rushed to office.

The next 2 days at work were again busy and I ended up working on Saturday also, full day. I was leaving for home at 9:30pm, reaching by 10:30, eating something (mostly order out as mom was not home this week) and sleeping by 11:30. Waking at 6:30 – 6:45 am.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday was the same routine.

Thursday i.e yesterday was a colleague’s wedding and the team decided to go. We all reached back home and then met at one place and went to the wedding. I wore a red net saree with white embroidery done on it. I dressed up well , good makeup with big eye liner shaping my eyes, blused cheeks and glossy lips, bangles in one hand (which I love to wear) and was looking good.  🙂

I came back home at 1 am, slept by 2am and then again took office cab at 7 am. The entire team was so sleepy the whole day, it was almost funny. 🙂


Thanks god today I get some sleep. I’m pretty sure this weekend is gonna be all about snoozing. 🙂


Oh n ya! Some other things going one that I have no patience to tell in detail about:

1. I finished reading a new chik lit, Girl plus One, was not so interesting in the begining but later did get good.

2. Sis spent almost all of our house rent for this month on shopping for jeans and some shoes, while mom was away.

3. mom came back yesterday and has been so upset and screaming around since.

4. Dance class has been less enthu for since the dance instructor money lending thingy, I’m hoping I get back to being super excited about it.

5. Uploaded this new guitar video on my fb, got many lovely comments. I kept checking n rechecking my fb for updates for almost 2 days after posting it 🙂


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The V-day 2011

So the day went pretty well. I was not expecting much from the day and life itself, yet I had this tingly feeling all day. I woke up early, took a bath and washed my oiled hair (which did not come off completetly and left my hair looking little limp), wore a new shirt that I had bought in a sale and saved for the summer, reached office and started work.

All was okay. Through the day everyone in office was talking about why they were not on leave today and asking what plans they had for the eveining and also what were they planning to gift to their partners. It seemed like a Friday mood you know.

I was not excited or anything, but something was happy in me thinking at least I have plans today, so what if just with a friend. I passed the day with slow work and trying to get things done, the systems were also not in mood to work and slowing down like hell, hence more looking at the screen and less work getting completed for me.

I confirmed with Nick if we were stil on for the dinner thing and he said he’s come around by 7, so I stayed back after everyone left and waited in office for him. He was really late. He reached my ofice at 10pm and by then I had got totally bored and felt stupid also, for waiting so much. But I didn’t have a choice coz the office cabs had left and I also wanted to go out. 🙂

It was raining yesterday evening !! not pouring hard but drizzle fast and slow. So amazing!! There is something about rain that makes me all romantic and puppy eyed and dreamland wishful silly. He was waiting outside my office and I walked till him, a meet hug and he apologized for being so late, we sat in the car and then he pulled out a bouquet of roses for me. OMG!!! I was so suprised!! I loved the flowers! I think I had forgotten that someone can be sweet to me and that I too am worth getting flowers from someone. It was sooo nice!!

Although I was a little confused as to why he got them?? We were two friends meeting on valentione for dinner?? Anyways, I think I think too much about every thing, so i let it go. We went to Turcoise cottage in gurgaon and it was full with couples and mostly people coming from work directly. The place was good, dimly lit and there was the usual 70’s music that they play. We danced a bit, I kept the alcohol down to just 1 mojito and ordered some snacks. He hogged on chicken which I did not like but then I had only told him that he could order it and  I dont mind. While dancing too Nick was little close, I mean I would be away and then he would come close and start the you know ballroom stuff with holding my hand and placing it on his shoulder, andhis hand around my waist. I was little awkward. We sat down and started looking at other couples and I pointed him a cuple who were sitting very formally and distant to each other. I told him theymust have met recently adn they’re both tyring to impress each other. After sometime we saw the girl was hanging on to the guy, throwing her hands around his shoulder and pretty close to him. We laughed that the guy must’ve added something to her drink.  Later they took a different table and then again seemed distant. Yes, I’m the person who stares at others and observes them while at public places, coz I don’t have much to say. 

So Nick said, we should take the seats, something happens there. I pulled his hair and gave him a  grin.

Okay, now I’m all the more confused!! What does he want? and do I want that as well? what is all this?

I tried to ignore it all. He didn’t do any other such thing after that. We danced a bit more, he ate a bit more and then we drove back for home and it was quite a long drive with lot of talking and yes the thoughts of what he wants kept coming into my mind and I kept avoiding. While he dropped me we had a slight hug that you do when you’re both in the car and a slight kiss on the cheeks, which he always does so gently.  He puts his hands on your upper neck with his palms on your nape and near to the back of your ears and gently plants a peck on your cheek. Its so sweet.

And we said bye.

But I am still confused about What is all this? I’m trying to not think about it, but the image from yesterday, when he gave me the flowers and my face lit up with a broad smile, is coming to my mind and I’m smiling. 🙂

The idea that someone would bring me flowers!! wow!! I had almost forgotten how sweet it feels!!  🙂  I’m smiling again…

P.S:  I got a dream this morning where I saw me and Nick kissing and kina making out,,, the horrible stupid questions in my subconcious did take an image and show up huh!! And I’m 100% sure that that is nothing that I want or am looking forward to.

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The party with ‘N’

So last weekend was pretty fun.  I had no plans whatsoever but then something felt like I should do something, go out with friends and enjoy a little, no a lot, and enjoy this single status and also find someone cute as well.

So I asked K if he was up for it, he didn’t seem too excited so I didn’t take it seriously, I aslo called N to ask if he wants to go. I should give him a name no? Lets call K the’ London Guy’ and N would be ‘Nick’. So I called Nick and told him we might be going out so he could join, he was okay and told me to confirm him .

After I came from my dance class, I called London Guy and he was not very well so he didn’t want to go, I asked my sis and she had stomach ache, so a ‘No’ from her as well. So I asked Nick that no one else was there just me and him and he was okat about going.

I thought he would be the not-too-loud music person, so I took him to A.I club, but it was really lousy there, they has closed the outdoor space and inside there were only bunch of people. We had a few drinks and started getting enthu about it and that’s when the music was shut down too. We moved from there to FBar, I had to pay the entry coz his card wasn’t working. It was really good there. I took 2 more drinks and was high enough to enjoy myself. He was okay too and enjoying.

You know when we were’nt high we were little awkward with each other. We have never been to clubs together and you know the kind of invisible barbed wires that exist between people who are around for the first time on a dance floor , that was there. Once we got high, it was all so comfy. We danced all fun stuff and was so cool. Nothing romantic at all though, just fun friends stuff. Just like I am with A( remember the pal who I used to go out for parties a lot when in college and now he become so distant and stuff).

We got back home at 6am and had an amazing drunk fun time. I called him the next afternoon to chit chat about the party gossip and what all funny stuff and fun stuff happened yesterday, but he sisn’t talk much. He was busy with his family.

It’s a little weird for me, coz I’m realizing he’s hardly the person I thought of him. He’s so different, like making a new friend altogether. and maybe it is a new friendship in a new phase of life too.

As we had already decided earlier that we would go out on Monday for dinner and we stuck to the plan. Only he’s an hour and half late while I wait here in my office for him to come.

Somewhere between all this I’m really thinking about whether he;s anice guy for me to date or not. He hasn’t asked me yet or anything. But jst thinking about it made me all ‘Noo’. I hope I’m not leading him to think I’m interested and this is exactly what i hate. Me doubting myself, if I’m behaving the right way and giving the right signals.  I mean hello, its a weird world and poeple can pick up all wrong signals, so why the hell am I worried.

Anyways, I don’t think he’s my kina dating person. But yes someone asking me out would be good, but so not at the cost of friendship. I think he’s a great guy, but just not my type.

Ah… I think all the my- types have died somewhere or swore to never meet me.

I also found myself thinking about my ex a few times over the past month. But it was just ‘memories flashing’ nothing liek missing or anything.

Btw I wrote about this ‘Cute Guy’ at office about 6 months back, and about how it had led to nowhere at all even though I did show little interest. I just founf him on my office network and he told me he was getting married. hmmph!!

Marraige is one mystry to far..

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