Monthly Archives: September 2008

Novel I read and related to..

I just finished reading ‘How Opal Mehta got Kissed, got Wild and Got a Life’. Its a good read, its funny and simple,nothing complicated or confusing. A simple story about a simple Indian girl wanting to go to Harvard. It was a little sad in the middle, but the end was happy again.

I don’t know why but I related to the sad part of it, the part where the girl is herself again after trying hard to be what she’s not. She’s alone and has no friends left. She is herself but doesn’t like that.

Don’t know if the no friends, or doesn’t like herself part stuck to me, but something definitely did and I’ll try to find out soon. Btw i have friends, 5 of them:

1. my sister

2 & 3.  my school friends who now have lives of their own and we catch up like once a year and call once a month. I mostly have no idea what they are upto for months.

4. This is a self forced friend. I thought he could be a very good friend and he still considers me a very good friend  and i hang out to party’s with him and my sis mostly, but i don’t trust him, there is a bad experience associated to it and though i have tried to forgive him, but trust will never come back again, and the DISGUSTED feeling keeps coming and going. At times i also can’t stand him. He is there for me most of the times, i mean i know that if i need help at 1AM i can call and he’l do his best to help, but somehow i feel its all his GUILT working and that makes it even more DISGUSTING. I don’t now why im friends with him still???

5. And lastly, my best friend from college. We used to bestest of friend and then we fought and never spoke for 2 years. i got to know she was moving from the city so i called  and patched up and then we again became friends. She came to visit her parents once and we met up, partied and then her sister made very rude comments on my sister and i confronted her with it. She did not explain anything and all, but simple stopped talking to me. I tried to call but she doesn’t pick my calls. so I’ve stopped trying to be friends with her.but in a way i think she is still my friend. WEIRD!

So ya i do have friends. 🙂

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Sweet sis..

The most earliest of my memories go back to my family. Its mostly my dad pampering me and otherwise my sister and me having fun or fighting. We have always been very close knit. It all was because we were always together, same school, same class, same hostel, same almirahs. Always together. and my father always taught us to be together, not just together, together, but to stand up for each other, support one another, take care, never leave alone, and most importantly love each other. i think he taught us all those important thing in so many ways and every talk of his and this adds to one of the many reason i love him so much and miss him all the more.

So my sister is one and half years elder to me, she’s always been the obedient one and me the rebel. She always felt like papa loved me more and i felt that too, never got to know if it was true or not. She was always mummy’s pet, sticking close to mom, very sweet and very very lovable. She was everyone’s favorite.

With me and her, she used to always beat me up while my weapon would be harsh and poisonous words(still use that and am ashamed of it!). We fought, fought and fought more and then i always used to go back to patch up. Always! She would always side me away in front of her friends, i take some credit for that, being so unpopular and ill tempered that i was, i think she was a little ashamed of me. We shared our tuck and no-tuck days, happy and homesick times, fun and games and scared at night hours, and all of our best years of our lives.

We both agree that having each other around has been the best part of growing up and we have been best friends even with all those fights. I hope we always remain as close as we are and were. And even though out opinions have changed and we don’t agree on everything, even when our priorities will differ and someday even our last name might change, but she will always be my Sweet Sister to me and no matter how far we are, how badly we have fought or whosoever’s fault it is, I will always go back to her and bring my sister back to me.

Love her tons and am sure papa is proud to know this. 🙂

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Noise of an empty vessel: insecure

How do you believe when someone says they love you? When do we know that its ours to own and no need to show?

Is just knowing the fact enough, really? Enough to believe, to trust, have faith and never doubt.

So where is insecurity born? Where are the roots and what waters it to grow and show? 

I love many people in my life, my mom, my sis, my brother and few friends. i know they all love me too, but there are so many times I feel the need to be told that i am special, i want to see my importance in their lives, hear the words of confiding in me,believing in me.

There’s nothing wrong about this until, i start wanting to feel that if they thought i’m important they would do this or say so. I feel i’m too dependent on their behavior and not on mine. If i know they love me and care, then why do i doubt it. And it not just about how i feel, it also my actions, i make sure they get to see their fare share of importance in my life. I feel happy when it makes hem happy.

But i know this isn’ the right way. There’s no limit to the situations or actions we might do and how it affects others. But sometimes everyone has to do what they want, even i would want that for myself. So i try to be more patient, understanding and supportive. respect the decisions and know that its their life and no matter what they choose or don’t nothing can alter my place in their lives.

SO more that ‘showing’ i think ‘knowing’ and ‘being there’ describes the importance of people in our lives, otherwise your just an empty vessel, with no faith and love and making all that insecure noise.

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Read my Dream & interpret if you can plz.

Yesterday I went back home all tired, i don’t know if it was mere physical or mental exhaustion or both. I had a lot of work and was all day busy with ‘what’s’ and ‘when’s’. Maybe that I had a long, extra relaxing, more like lazy weekend (3 days ), that made my Monday so tiring. Well, I was very sure that on reaching home i would change and run to the gym, but i fell asleep in the cab and when i reached home, i was in mid sleep. So i climbed the three floors in sleep, went in, threw my bag and jumped into my bed. I woke up 2 hours later and i clearly remembered what i had dreamt about( doesn’t happen often).

Here’s my dream, if you can find some meaning or hidden message in it. let me know too. I’ve never felt a dream so real or atleat clearly.

There’s a celebration going on, everyone( don’t know ho all) is enjoying, there’s lots of decoration and flowers. I’m missing my dad. I’m crying( and this i really felt it, when i woke up my heart felt like it had just let out an ocean of tears, though my eyes were dry). I am interrupting some even tin the celebration and crying about my dad, someone is explaining that it is ok and i scream that its not ok, and that no one knows how i feel, when you introduce yourself and when you mention your family there is no father there. I am yelling and crying and no one seems to understand me and the seem to be getting angry and ignore me because I’m spoiling the fun.

Next i saw an open space, there’s a kind of sport event happening. something like riding a bicycle with a parachute on and midway you open the parachute and start gliding in air. i go ahead and try it. and everyone is saying that at 1st go you can’t but somehow i start gliding into the air and everyone is amazed at me. they all applaud and i come down. I see my sister chatting to someone, i sit besides her and am looking very sad, i say ‘even though I’ve done everything/so much, I’m still sad and my scandals are still dirty’. My sister doesn’t listen to what i say, so the person she is chatting with repeats my words to her. Then she casually removes the dirt from my scandals.

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Accomplished or not?

This is about my yesterday’s post ‘wicked thoughts’,so here’s all I accomplished and those I didn’t too:

1. Get out of office early : NOPS

2. Get my work done : absolutely

3. Go to the GYM: reached home late

4.  Read the Novel: Yes, all the way to home and after dinner too

5. NEW : made dinner, coz mom wasn’t home.

Overall i think it went pretty well, nothing wicked though. 🙂 went back home excited to read the book and of course no guilt or stress of leaving work undone, made dinner like a good gal and enjoyed my time.

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Today’s wicked and silly thoughts..

Hey nothing dirty here OK, just something i shouldn’t do at work but really want to.

Few days back I started reading ‘Chasing Harry Winston’ by Lauren Weisberger. Since work and then gym leaves little time to completely engross into the luxury of late night readings, I’ve been only able to read a few pages everyday. its quite a nice read, with all the gal pals and gossip stuff that i just love( maybe coz that’s want I want my life to be like). Today, I had to come to work late than my usual time, so yesterday night i tookthe pleasure of reading bit more than few pages and going into the story. I like my way of reading i.e if i like the book(true i this case), I’m totally into the characters and kind of start seeing all that’s happening, feeling the joy the pain that comes with the words. Its great fun.

Anyways, since my drive to work takes a good one and half hours and thankfully i don’t have to drive, so i usually keep something to read. Today morning i put the novel into my bag and was reading it on my way to work. I read a lot of the interesting chapters (romantic ones 🙂 ) and didn’t even realize we reached office and by this time i was totally into the story. I was at the part where Emmy makes out with a random guy on the pool side and Leigh (just engaged) is about to got to the famous writers place for the editorial meeting and i was hoping something mysterious and steaming would definitely happen there. And then i reached office. Unlike most of my days, I have work to do and have a completion date also. The first few hours i couldn’t get the story out of my mind and was only thinking about when will i leave from here so i can get back to it. I’ve past half the day now and am feeling like leaving the work, sitting in a comfy couch and grabbing the book til i finish it. i also thought about sneaking it to the washroom and reading it there. hehehe. Can’t even imagine what will happen if someone finds me reading a novel in there. Gosh!

Can u see the lengths i am going or at least thinking of going to for that novel 😉 .So whats so great about it you say? well part of the reason might be my so ‘wanna be  life’ is there in the book, independent, successful, beautiful, gals leading their lives in the great New York city, part of the ‘wanna be’ i still am, like independent, beautiful (for sure 🙂 ) but New york and their own apartmentsis the lusting part. Another thing that makes me wanna go back to the book right now, is that what I’m currently working on in very boring, all excel sheet work that any kiddo can do and you don’t need an engineer to to that.

Totally forgot, i came in late so will also be going late, but I’m tempted to leave early, one cause I’ll miss the gym if i leave late and second i want to finish the book. Lets see if i can sneakaway early and complete the work and finish the book and go to gym all today.

Cheers !!

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The best way to decide.

There are times we all have to make decisions. Sometimes crucial and life changing decisions, at other times silly yet confusing decisions. But we all have to choose at one or the other point of time. What makes this more difficult are the after effects thoughts, ‘Am I doing the right thing’, ‘ what if this doesn’t turn to be good’ and so on. When we are made/choose to stand at a crossroad and want to find the right way to go, it seems like examination time, only that sometimes there may not be a second chance. Even simple things like ‘buying a dress’ or ‘meeting a guy’ may leave us in a mess and it makes us( at least for me) feel stupid and out of control( something i don’t like). But that’s the truth, we have to choose, pick one out of many options and make sure its the best, outdo our doubts and hold onto self trust.

So what helps you in making decisions, finding the right way and doing waht is best but also feels good at the same time??

Here’s my way of dealing with few stuff:

 Even I have been at places and in times of these mind scrutinising situations and what helps me is instincts, logic and more than ever ‘think time’. I call this the ‘think-time’ or ‘TT’ ( whatever suits you). Btw just thought of this word right now 🙂

think time = the time it takes you to decided in favour of the decision/option.

For example, today morning I wasn’t feeling like coming to office, reason being still in the weekend mood and wanting to relax, but not that i was tired, however i did sleep for only 5 hours as i had gone for a late movie with my frenz( which was so great, dreamt about the it all night 😉 ). Anyways, so I sat on my bed for 10 minutes looking at the pros and cons of not going to office today. I didn’t have any work, so that was in favor, why waste a leave was not in favor. And as i struggled between ‘give yourself a break’ and ‘ the logical thing to do’ thoughts, i stopped it all and simply thought of the ‘think- time’ in favor of not going to the office. It was way too much than the importance of the matter. So i thought to myself ‘ when you have to think so much about something that dosen’t need that much time, then its simply not worth it’

The formula is:

If  the ‘think- time’ > the importance of the issue in your life

then ( result = false)

Else (result = true)

Where false = not in favor of decision/choice

true = in favor of decision/choice

Sounds too technical na, but it isn’t when you think of it.

Like, when ‘not going to office’ took me 10 min of think-time which was way above the importance of the matter for me i decided ‘not in favor’ and jumped out of bed to get ready and here i am in office 🙂 and btw I think this is the closest I’ve come to developing a program on my own. hehehe

Points to be noted:

1. To save your time and sanity, while you’re in te process of deciding just stop abruptly, just stop thinking and ask yourself ‘what the ‘think-time’ this is taking?’

2. Now you know the think time, lets come to ‘importance of the matter’. This is variable and can differ from person to person for any situation, but its definitely more known to us, coz we know how important ‘choosing a red pair of scandals’ is and how important ‘ choosing a guy/job/xyz’ is.

3. Now compare your think-time and importance and Voila! the debating thought in your mind end. you have reached the decision you actually want.

Exception: I agree there maybe exceptions to this formula, many many exceptions, but while  and till it works with as many issues, lets try it out!

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