Monthly Archives: May 2009

Sometimes you feel like you can get anything & everything done..

Confidence, pride, self respect and all these upbeat emotions and feelings are always coming and going. I myself see the change in my attitude and am not sure why I can’t keep these wonderful feelings all the time.

But today, I feel good, .. I knew that I would (the song just started ringing in my head ..lol! )

Nothing much happened, no promotion, no salary hike, no awards (I’m still waiting on the me from the last time) , just that I’m feeling good and very worthy. Now it’s hard to feel like that without comparing yourself to others right? I try not to do that too much, but one thing I realize and am proud of is that “I know I can do anything If I want to and put my heart on it’. I am sharp and learn fast and smart. Yes, sometimes we all make mistakes and that’s how we need to learn right?

The confidence is overwhelming and it makes you feel like you can do anything and everything you want. Just say those words to yourself and see how it makes the blood rush to your head and bring a smile on our face. And say them with conviction, believe in it and own it. I know this is little difficult and even I am trying to learn how to believe what you cannot foresee or feel, but I’m sure I will learn and master the art of believing.

 

‘I can do anything and everything I want’

 

I will make my dreams turn into reality and smile and share my happiness and spread love. I will live in New York and have so much money. I will be a famous and successful author. I will buy a great House and all the luxuries for my family. I will provide the best education for my brother. I will be happy, I am happy.  

Everything I want my world to be, will be.

Amen!

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Would you know my name, If I saw you in Heaven?

That’s the song I’m listing to right now, ‘If I saw you in heaven’

I’m in office and it all seems such a drag. Its been happening since last 2 days i think. I’ve been feeling sluggish and draggy and I’ve been pulling myself and telling me to wake up and live properly, but see its times like these that make you feel you have no control over yourself and how you feel. I would like to believe that ‘I control myself’ but I don’t believe it. Not right now.

What’s with me? nothing! Actually that’s what’s up with me ‘NOTHING AT ALL’. Everything is going on and on and nothing is happening or maybe I’m not feeling it. I’m missing something so much.  Something, I don’t know what.

Maybe I should join the gym again and this feeling is particularly too strong right now as I’m wearing a top that is started to feel tight and uncomfortable and I can see my stomach bulging when I sit and all this wasn’t there a month n half ago. Hmmph! Just noticed that almost every post about my life does include something about my body am I obsessed, yes I think, too much thinking of how to get perfect. I also agree I don’t like too much of what I see in the mirror. I deserve better, I am better. It matters to me. I don’t want to accept myself with a bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I want to see slim toned legs and arms, flat toned stomach. I should stop, totally got carried away.

Why this lame, nothing feeling comes over?? I just want to tell it to ‘F*** off! coz all it does it makes me feel low and self-pity. This self pity thing does get to me, it makes me feel like I’m a little puppy standing in the middle of a buzzing street, ready to be beneath the wheels anytime and all people are walking around, no one is even noticing me. Its horrible. I go back to times and my mind drags all my pitiable states and I am on the verge of crying. Sometimes even simple things trigger this, like one time my sis went out with few friends and I didn’t go on purpose and she came back flashing a tattoo, something that I had  been wanting for so long and then I started crying. Literally! Everytime I see I don’t get something I have worked hard for/ deserve and someone else gets it, I am crying. I want what should be mine. Once I even cried about why our financial condition was so bad (after dad) and my cousin’s were well off. It bugs me.

‘ Why Not’ by Hillary Duff

I think I’m the compulsively occupied type person, I need to occupied and not think. Sometimes I get so consumed with some idea that I start believing that that’s what I want. Many times I feel like I’m not living enough. There’s this emptiness around me. I need to do something, for myself mostly.  Sometimes, what I should and shouldn’t gets so to my head that I stop thinking on my own. Its like someone laid out a guidebook that you should do this or that, and I feel the need to follow it. Maybe the responsibility of taking ownership is what I fear or am not ready for.

I feel scared and so vulnerable. Its difficult to let loose and be me. There’s a doubt about myself. I feel like anyone can take advantage if I open up and show who I am. Why do I feel so vulnerable? Not sure but I think it all started when we started to live with mom while dad was away.  Mom and we kids were here while dad was on job and would visit every few months. The realtives told you how dangerous this could be if someone knew we were living alone. They might try to take advantage. We live alone still. But now what I see myself doing is keeping closed and shut. Especially around people I find suspicious especially males/workers/drivers/plumbers type people. When someone comes into our house for any repair work, I feel like they should not get to know we have no male member in family. I become so weird. I feel scared. I want them to go away. Don’t come to my house. I hate it!

Now I was hoping some writing would make me feel better but this is all getting to the scary spaces in my head. I better leave now.

‘There you’ll be” from Pearl Harbor.

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While I’m at work and getting bored, lets gets imaginative

Now I could be cribbing about my life and how nothing is what it should be and where is God and why isn’t he showing some pity or justice(whichever works) on me, but instead I choose to write and think about ‘how I want things to be’ .  I’ve certainly become mature, okay might call it ignorant and kiddish too, whatever.

A day in what seems to me like an Ideal life:

I wake up in the morning (not too early and not too late) in my big comfortablebed with fluffy pillows, I get fresh and my body feels so relaxed and rested, my washroomis perfect, with all the lovely smelling towels and shower gels, a big mirror and enough space to dance around, the tiles are great and the marble shiny. I go to my dressing room and see the wardrobe, its full with best collections, formal, casual, party, evening, workout. Mmmmm. Its sounding almost delicious. The dresses are neatly put together and they are all my fit, which is 32-26-34. I pick out a short grey checked skirt and a nice soft blue V-neck , 3/4th sleeves top. The look is perfect, the skirt rising upto my mid thigh, no, lean and toned mid thigh and the top hugging me yet comfortable and slowing off my tiny waist (26), yet its all  a casual look, something I just picked up and made no efforts to decide at all. My hair is long and volume-nous and shiny, they are dark brown and thick and strong. I go to the kitchen and see my cook cum housekeeper (someone like Tony Miselly in ‘Who’s the Boss’ only without the attraction part) has already made wonderful breakfast, healthy and yummy too. I take my breakfast reading newspaper (entertainment column ofcourse) and relax and feel great about a new day. After a while I move to my study and get creative (writing my 5th novel i.e  after the first 4 bestsellers ) and spend sometime there. I come back to take lunch (again healthy and yummy) and then watch some tv, rest, walk around my green lush garden. Early evening I change into my workout gear, take my car and go for a workout session with my personal trainer (dance/kick boxing /something exciting) and after an hour and half of great workout I move back home. I shower and relax. In the evening I go to meet few friends and enjoy myself. We talk have fun and laugh a lot. I come back home to get ready for a party and then my boyfriend comes to pick me, he’s handsome, genuine, hot, smart and caring and loving, and we go to party. We have a great night and we head back to my place. Rest good things happen. The morning I wake up and he has makes some breakfast in bed for us. Mmmmmmm..

I also keep reading new books, attending launches, meeting new circle of friends every other day, have my set of gal pals. I also take up many other activities, working for an NGO, taking new activities, going on adventure trips, art lessons, meeting new people,  shopping, talking on phone to BF while he’s away, talking to family, more social work etc.

Life is good, rather GREAT!!!

Aaahhhhhh…that’s so my life.

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Another slow post

First of all apologies to everyone who came to my space, but did not find any thing new. I know how that feels. But this isn’t much of reading type post either.

So I’m not going to give lame excuses like work, life, too much going on ..blah..blah.. I’ll be honest, i didn’t have much to write about and all the little things I did, didn’t inspire me much to do so. Yes, I was lazy but also thinking, you know the kind of thinking you’re not sure is sane enough or sometimes even mature enough to be shared. No, it wasn’t anything stupid or too bad / good just thoughts.

I was working last Sunday, and it was all fun. I had this thing at office that needed me to be there for few hours in morning and few late night  hours. I got a cab for the entire day, so I took my family along, dropped them to enjoy, completed my work and picked them back, then again dropped them to have fun and picked them late after my work and we all reached home at 1a.m. I didn’t do much but still was fun. It was a family outing after a long time and without the guilt of spending more than you can save. I like to provide to the family, and yes sometimes get little bossy, but hey its all for the good.

And ya I took Monday off. I earned it baby~ (don’t know where that came from)

Work has been good, light and easy, nothing too much.

Swimming has been going on too. I’m learning, slowly and steadily I think. Its fun and nervous together. Its scary and thrill too, especially when they make us jump into 12feet water and then we slowly come up and start getting nervous and kicking our hands and legs. Its good to be a student again.

What else?  Ooh yes, we found a new house, nice and reasonable. We’ll move in next month. I’ll get a few sleepless nights ans then it’ll become home.  I won’t talk about what it lacks, don’t feel like. 

Cheers!!! 

PS: I know this a lame, slow and sleepy post (which I am right now, after lunch and sitting on my ass since morning), but its not up to me anymore or maybe I’ll stop being lazy. 🙂

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Creepy experience

I have started going for jogging / walking since last week. Since I come back home around 5:30pm, after a rest and tea and rest, I usually start changing around 7pm and got to the park near my home. This park is not too big, but has a nice jogging strech  but little narrow and its very bushy and lots of trees and plants. Its quite crowded around evening time so I picked a time when I can jog and not have to keep haulting by people crossing by.  The time that I go, there are only few elder people walking around slowly and sometimes a few children playing, but mostly its empty.

So yesterday I went in at the usual time 7:3pm and when I reached the park(1min walk from home ) I felt I need to tighten my shoe laces (btw I like my laces really tight), so instead of taking the jogging track, I move to the inside of the park, pull my leg on a bench and am tying the laces. Before I switch my legs for other laces I look up just generally and I see around 20 steps away from me a man is standing and his hand is near his object area and it moving in continuous motion to and fro. Before my mind could acknowledge what I saw, I looked down immediately and tied the other lace. Then I thought I should look and then saw the man was now hidden behind a tree and peeping out and looking at me. I was so scared.

Initially when I looked up and saw the man there with his hand around his groin, Iwasn’t surprised, you see people (especially my country) scratching away at any place at any time, there are rikshawalas, drivers, and other lower working class people doing this without any shame or even thought. So if you have lived here for sometime, you’ll learn how to just ignore these people and what they’re doing and that way you keep yourself away from getting disgusted.

So now that my mind did acknowledge that there wasn’t anything ‘lower-working class’ that was going on, but the fact that the man was hiding behind a tree meant it was something else. Eeeewwwww!!! *Disgusted*

I didn’t look at the man and behaved like I hadn’t seen anything and started walking towards the other side. As I was jogging with my ipod on, my mind was having no-so-good thoughts. I was constantly looking back to see if someone was following me, and weird thoughts like there are the kind of people who increase the rape rate in India to 3/second ( read that somewhere recently). Shit right?

As much as I was thinking of how these bloddy people should get punished and beaten to death, the thoughts of whether I was safe or not were scaring me. Thankfully my neighbour was there in the park with her friend, so I made it a point to stop and say hello. I then continued and when I reached the same spot where I had seen the man(bastard) I saw (from the corner of my eye, didn’t have guts to look directly, what if he followed me ?) a man standing a little away and towards the exit looking outside the park. I don’t know if it was him but I was so scared. Still with my neighbor there I went on for another round and then when I came back she was leaving and I left with her.

I so wanted to get that man busted and beaten. What the hell? Its a public place and its people like these who later make innocent people victims of crimes.

But the truth is that I didn’t have the guts. If there would have been even 4-5 more people (men) around I think I might have screamed and all, but with hardly any people there, I was scared to death.

I’m not going there today, thanks to swimming lessons, and even I didn’t have anything else to do I wouldn’t have gone. And now onwards, I’m only going to the park when its crowded.

 I don’t know why I’m even writing about this, as i dn’t even mention this to anyone at home. Maybe to let the fear out might make me strong and not weak.

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Yesterday’s dream, making me feel lame

I can’t believe this is all that’s left in my life in the name of love/boys/dating/excitement; dreaming of dance instructors whom I’ve never had a personal conversation apart from hi and bye, and whom I’ve not seen in months and who once when we chatted on-line said I think i remember you and gave one word replies and dropped off by saying that I am busy with something.

Not that I’m dying without boys and I still agree that I don’t have time,energy, money or patience to go through a ‘Relationship curve’ (new term right, will explore this in next post) at this time in my life. Reason? you ask (or don’t):

 

Let’s see why I don’t have the time (And all other things depend on time, so this is reason enough) :

a)I work full time that makes it 12-13 hours including my travel time

b) even without a guy in my life I’m snoozing for only 7 hours (it should be minimum 8 hours for computer people i read)

c) then I have to relax / hobbies for some 3 hours

relax activities -be alone, tv, reading, cutting split-ends, staring blankly into mirror, starting at whiteheads on my nose into mirror, music, facebook, reading, writing, trying clothes… kinna stuff

hobbies activities – right now swimming (earlier was dancing)

 

So that totals up to 23 hours, see I got only an hour or two left. 

 

And that wouldn’t be enough right. Why?  you ask (or don’t)

1. Firstly, I would have to find a good guy. That’s so difficult.

2.  Then find out that he’s not looking for serious time devoting girl and neither looking for slut to only sleep with.

3. I will want to know the guy.

 

If someone like that just came in front of me, I would go for it. Believe me!

 

The-kinna-guy-I-would-go-for-right-now list (Sorry I have to mention, you wouldn’t understand otherwise) :

1. He should be smart and presentable.

2. Should be emotionally stable and caring.

3. Should be decently busy and free to talk to me.

4. Should share some personal stuff with me.

5. Should be clear on the relationship status, we’re dating but not committing.

6. Should be rich.  Please I’ve been the one giving gifts and paying(dutching) restaurant bills till now. I deserve some pampering.

7. Should be cool and have cool friends.

8. Should respect women and not brag about our sex life in front of his friends. (sorry I’m drifting to should not’s )

9. Should be a fun person and trying new stuff.

10. Should have a life of his own, where I can visit sometimes.

11. Should be great in bed (I know this is a worldly fact, but I just like to write this, it makes me feel so grown up)

12. Should be understanding and caring. (‘caring’ mentioned people, and this isn’t even a relationship! ha!) 

 13. Our aim of being together should be, having someone to share feelings with, get advice from, have fun with, enjoy time with and some cuddling with (of-course it doesn’t stop there)

14. Dating exclusively is in my head right now, but on other thoughts it seems like too much attachment over time, so I think we can leave out the exclusive part. I’m just saying this, have no idea how this will be if real.

 

Coming back to why I’m writing a my-guy-wish-list and the dream last night.

Guess who I dreamed about last night?  ‘D’, for all those who don’t know him, my x-dance instructor. I know its so lame. I haven’t seen him in months (3 Ithink), no calls (wasn’t any earlier as well) and the only connection that i have with him is that he’s on my facebook friend’s list and the last time the nothing-of-a-conversation that happened online made me feel like an idiot. But he’s so cute. Awww.. I didn’t even think about him yesterday, but yes the day before I did when I saw another of his portfolio pictures added on his profile. He looks hot. He’s been working hard at the gym and has 6 pack abs now, well I don’t know how long he’s had them but I just saw them few days back so OOOhhhhh….

The dream was kina weird, I was with him and we were supposedly in a after the action situation. Then I see my sis with K (he’s a friend of her’s whom she’s fought with and hasn’t been talking to) and they’re dancing, like couple dancing, then there’s some confusion btw me an ‘D’ and next I see I’m luring him. ???

Anyhow, I should stop looking at his pics everytime I’m on facebook. It’s not my fault there’ nothing else to do on it, I hardly have any messages / comments (same as here), there aren’t any friends I need to add, I don’t trust the idea of meeting any new  people online (they might be psycho’s) and then my net speed is so slow that no quizzes open up before 10 min. Then I see his pics on my wall (have to scroll down, its been a while since he put them there) and check them and saw wow! Not my fault! Right?

But never the less, its making me feel so lame. Although I’m clear in my head that you cannot say you ‘have a life’ only based on if there’s a guy/gal in your life, but then looking at D’s pics dosen’t make me feel like my head is clear at all. But yes, some letching is ok sometimes.

Why did I write this? You ask (or don’t).

I don’t know. 🙂

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Suggestion please!!

Hi,

As you’al know I’ve been bragging about my swimming lessons for sometime now, but the thing is that I’m new to it. So I thought I might get some suggestions / advice from all you swimming experts.

All do’s and don’ts welcome!

Skin, techniques, how to learn quickly, beware, clothes, your experiences …anything.  Do share!!

Cheers!

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