Monthly Archives: June 2009

What I really want right now..

Well, for the sake of avoiding long boring and self -indulgent posts about materialistic wish lists and seeming on the verge of looting a bank, I’m only talking of what I seem to want, or rather need right now in life.

I want to be totally carefree and laugh my heart out. Pure laughter and bursting out happiness. Something like when you drink your guts out and become the happiest person on the earth, only without the drink. I want to run in the sand, laugh, feel the wind, spread my arms. I want to feel light almost like a feather. I want to be happy and without any worry. I want to enjoy.= life like crazy, not disgusting crazy but the crazy that brings a smile to every-ones face.

No worry. not even a bit, not about money, job, home, responsibility, aim in life, why, who, why me, how, when ..nothing ..none of this. No burden pulling me down.

I want to feel like a kid, free mind, free body and free soul. I want to feel anti-gravity. Where and with whom, I don’t know. Let God figure that out.

I want to get rejuvenated, my spirit, my body, my life and for myself. I want to feel brand new and shinny. I want to be so happy that I almost radiate with it,. I want an out of this world experience.

God I need this! You know ~ Please accept this prayer! I believe you will listen and help me!

Amen!

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I have to tell you..

Well after my lon break from any physical activity and keeping lazy, I put on all the kilos that I had worked hard on and lost. They came back, slowly but steadily.

Now again I started receiving comments that ‘I’ve put on weight ‘ and let me tell you its not a very nice thing to hear. So I got up and joined the gym. Yes, there is nothing more interesting I could find nearby for good workout, so gym it was. Btw I’m also going for swimming classes, but since I’m learning so its not much of workout. We just started the arms actions. I really loose my breath when I start kicking my legs. I thought I would learn it in one month, but now its been ane and half already. Am I slow? No one tells me.

Right so coming back to what i wanted to tell you, so I started going to the gym, this time I didn’t join the old gym that  I was going to on and off for a year and half, rather I thought of breaking my comfort zone and going to a new one. I was hesitant, one reasdon being it was little expensive than my last gym and second because it would all be new, the trainer, the regime and all. Anyhow I did enroll and immediately got onto my proper diet, i.e no eating junk, eating small meals every 3 hours  -fruits for morning, then lunch, then tea and buscuits -haven’t found a subsitute for this one and last after my workout vegetable /pulse and salad for dinner. This has been going on for two and half weeks now. My evenings are alternately occupied with swimming and gym, so its not at all exhausting and thankfully my body dosen’t feel sore all the time.

So yesterday after the workout was over I gathered the guts to get on the weighing machine and guess what I saw, 2.5 kgs less from the first day. I asked the instructor if it was possible and he said yes if you eat right. He also said that we should ideally weigh nefore the workout coz 400-500 gms are reduced after the sweating, anyways even if I consider that then its 2 kgs. Oh My God! I am thrilled. I will soon be super sexy and slim and wear a bikini (so on my wish list).  A girl does wear it in our swimming classes and I’m like ‘how does she pull it off?’  I so wanna wear a bikini and not at home in my room, but at the pool with people around and be absolutely comforatble with my body.

I think the reason this regime is working out is because they focus more on cardio. I ahven’t touched the weights at all in 2 weeks. We go for a 45-60 min cardio with only a miute to switch machine and even in that I’m trying the Fast-Slow thing where I go full intense for 3-5 min and then slow down the pace for 2 min and again high intensity. I’m mostly doing running and cross training machine and spinning at time.

Wow! congratulate me people! 2.5 kgs in 2 weeks! And btw I’m eating ok, I’m not dieting at all, just that I’m eating all the right stuff. Any suggestions on evening snacks (i.e 2 hours before my workout session).. I’m taking 4-5 busicuits and tea, but I want something more filling.

PS: I also cheated by having pizza on one night and then ordered food the other night. I did less than my noraml hogging self.  Hey c’mon mom wasn’t home and who is going to cook food. I am up since 5:30 am everyday and that reminds me I need to get more sleep. I’m usually dozing off late and catching only 5-6 hours of sleep.

Anyways 2.5 kgs in 2 weeks! Wow!!

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It’s been a while

I haven’t been posting lately and there is a perfect reason for it, I didn’t have anything to say. Life was still moving and days were passing and experiences happening, but I had nothing to say, about it, for it, nothing.

So I am posting today, because you know it relieves me to write, anything, something, just write. It brings me some satisfaction. PS: This is one of the major reasons that the idea of being a writer/author feels so right to me.

So, I have been doing good. What about you’al? I hope fine. (now this seems like a letter right? but its good manners to ask how you doing when you meet after a long time right?) You can tell me all about yourself and whats going on in reply, for now let me blabber along.

I’m doing fine, work is good, life is good. We moved our place this month beginning and that was a big thing to get done. Thanks to my mom, nothing at all was packed up for the move, even though I had been reminding her day and night to get on with it. But no, who listens to stupid me right. So I woke up on the day we needed to shift, prayed to god to make this all possible and so easy and quick, changed my clothes and got to packing up stuff into bedsheets. God did listen to me and although it was tiring it wasn’t as difficult as I was dreading. So once again, Thank you God!

Next after we moved, mom had to go out of town the very next day for some urgent work and that left us kids in a mess. We ordered food from restaurants till the next 4 days, not to mention that the place was a mess, no arrangements for water, my clothes, nothing at all. Well, we did get past this obstacle also somehow and then mom came back and at least got the kitchen to usable shape. I really don’t belong to the kitchen and this means that if it wasn’t necessary to get food to your stomach to live, then I wouldn’t have ever seen what a kitchen looks like. I always see myself as the working, earning person, not homely and food serving.

Then after the move, we are still trying to see how to settle in, Why? I’ll tel ya! First the location is not of our choice, we have never lived in flats where you can hear when the person in the net house opens his cupboard. Secondly, the arrangements are somewhat lacking here, we don’t have clean water flow. Its only salty water that runs at all times and for some fresh water you will need to wake up at odd ghostly hours like 3am and get your tanks filled. Otherwise all is good.

Then one of our friends, ‘K’ is leaving for London next week (wow! that’s so a worth writing sentence! my friends are going around the world, someday I will too 😉 ), so we thought of having one last farewell party before he leaves. It was him, me and sis and we all went to ‘Manre’, a place that till my last visit (three weeks ago) was perfect decent crowd, nice music and only a handful of weird people, had now turned into weird place with weird people all over. Well I guess the word spread that its got no cover charges and that’s it. We went in anyways as I was totally no – no on spending a dime and going elsewhere. We made fun of people and their dance and stuff, it was fun and since the place is soo expensive we got the liquor in the car and drank before we entered. We also came down in between to fill up and then moved again for party. We left the place at 2 am, which I may say was way early than our usual party time, but we were all agreed on that. We went back home and again disguised into more clothes before we entered the colony gate and guess what, we say the ladies of the other flats were awake and doing their chores in the middle of the night. Water! Just in case you think my mom would be one of them, then let me tell you, she just swore the other day that ‘I waking up at middle of the night for wait, my foot! go to hell!’ but let the Internet get set up and we’ll find her up till wee late hours stuck to the computer screen like a lizard on the wall.

That’s what happened. But I have been feeling something else all this time. I don’t feel ready to take care of my family yet! Right now I do everything I can, that is majorly get the monthly income and some little bit of chores, but I’m talking of heading the family, taking the decisions. I don’t trust myself and I know I don’t have the knowledge to make the right decision. I wish I knew how its done, how is a home managed, the finance, the decisions, the family trips, but I don’t.

Another thing that’s in my head is change. A change from that place that I am at, a beginner. I want to move ahead of this now. All this while I kept telling myself that I have just started out, that it will take sometime before I reach success (and I really had no idea as to in which field), but now I think I’m ready for it and I’ve even figured out in which field. I won’t tell you’al, you’ll laugh. Okay, its not my job profile right now but its something that I really like to do (even when I have work pending).  So how do I get there?  Its all about taking the first step right? I will. I am ready for it and worthy as well. Things need to move ahead from here, they have to. I need some change here. A big change, a life turning point, where everything will fall into place and everything will be so clear.

Do you think there is a right time for everything? When and how do you get to know that this is it? Have you ever felt like I feel now? If yes, then how did it turn out?

 Just an FYI –> I’ve started the gym again. It feels good and I’m positive I’ll be purchasing 28 waist jeans  soon. 🙂

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Mixed up

I am a very straight and uncomplex person (or atleast try to be). I like to have a plan and then it to work(which dosen’t happen much). It gives me relief in knowing, knowing where I am, where I want to be, how to get there, knowing more about myself and being clear of what’s in my head and heart. But all times are not same.

Sometimes, it takes me days to find out what’s in my mind, sometimes I just know it all without effort. At times there is heart involved and then I need to know where and how to balance it all. Yes, being simple is not so uncomplex and simple after all.

The days that my head and heart get totally exhausted over is when ‘its all mixed up’, feelings, facts, ideas, responsibility, dreams, desire. You cannot separate one form the other and then I am so lost. I speak to myself. I try to figure it out.

Like today, I was all happy in the morning and now I feel a little sad ( i didn’t want to type that and make it a fact, but it is a fact).  I am tied between why, and how and why not. I know I’m doing good and even like the feeling of it, but then who is questioning me if this is what my heart set out to do? Why does it feel like I’m betraying what my heart wants? 

Knowing the future is for no one to say, but seeing the present and making sense of it should be easy. It all just started with someone saying that I have put on lot of weight and now all these mixed feelings with no reason to appear are surrounding me.  How can something so small make me so upset. I have been dreading hearing that and have finally heard it.  I need a plan now, but how and where? Things need to be in place, inp place in my head. Feeling sleepy and drowsy and the words are now blurring.

Am at work and cannot sleep. Maybe some coffee will help.

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