Category Archives: secrets

Forbiden Fruits

There is a attractive thing about the things are forbiden for you, whosoever it may be forbiden by, family, religion, society or even plain and simple conscious. They seem so ….. exciting and thrilling and I dont mean it in any cheap way, but just the feel of doing what you should not does have a very appealing and attractiveness to it.

Why I’m saying this is beacuse I have been there and felt it. Even sometimes the stupidest of things so exciting just because I know it is forbiden or in simple words not readily acceptable by people around me.

I have always been a rebel, ever since I remember, always, and I can’t help but wonder, is this only how I feel because I have this rebelious streak in me? Or are these things just as attractive to the obidient and disciplined ones?

I’m not saying we should give in to this but a little bit is no harm right? Of course you have to be in the right mindset to understand where the thrill ends and addiction begins.

I always thought that it is all really simple, you either

– want something or you don’t

– want to do a job or don’t

-like someone or don’t

-want to be with someone or don’t

-know when you’re just having fun or getting addicted

But overtime and the years (mostly the last 4 years) I have learn’t that it isn’t all that simple.  Sometimes life dosen’t come in black or white, there are many shades of gray and each blurs the border around the other. You are around someone and you feel like this may be something, but there is this hesitation and this doubt, you know its better this way but still you can’t help but think what if there was something how would it be?

How do you know when its your conscious giving you hints and when its just yourself trying to make something of nothing?

We’ve been friends and I know him and I know he cares a lot. I was never attracted towards him and now when we’re together there is something. I was always conscious about how I looked when he was around and I dodn’t think that meant anything, but now I’m begining to rethink, did it? If I think of us together I feel repelled and there is this uncomfortable feeling. Maybe its just the physicality of us being together for so long and now parting away that is making me feel like this.

I have one of the best friendships and I cherish it a lot. So why these thoughts and why this strange something. Maybe it just that we are going to be so far away and its this feeling of missing a friend that is confusing me up.

But I know this for sure… I don’t want to act upon these unsure thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to spoil anything. I will let time decide if this means anything. For now.. its just the way things were.

 

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Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

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Same mistakes again…

Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.

 

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

 

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

 

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

 

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

 

What do I do?

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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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Need to please..

Whenever a romantic endevear comes in the farthest proximity to me, I have this tendency to try and please the other person. Its something I hadn’t even noticed before, but once when we were out clubbing and I saw this cute guy that I liked and my sister made a joke that now I would start dancing more aggresively. I was like ‘what does that mean?’ and she was right I did notice my patterns thereafter, I did do things that I would not normaly do.

Its ok to try to put your best but when that is once you’re getting to know the person or at least in contact with them right, not when you don’t know them, their name and are total strangers.

I behave differently I know. I would try to get their attention and its not my normal self. Maybe in my subconcious I feel that my normal self isn’t good enough to get attention and that’s why I try to show what all good stuff I have, dance / singh/ good choice of songs on my phone.

”good choice of songs on my phone’This is so stupid.I know. But I just did this today until I realised and stopped. Well there is this guy in my office, he seems younger to me and he’s cute, but I hadn’t thought much of him until today I saw him looking at me. He sits one bay behind mine and so when I sat up for going  for breakfast i saw him looking at me, not staring but just looking, then again I saw him look at me a few times. I know whenever I write about any guy it turns to be nothing, but that’s not the point, the point is after lunch I sat on my seat and started playing songs on my phone (since I cant find my earphones since 2 days) and then I started singing along too, not loud music and loud voice, but little loud that I thought could reach his ears and then just my lips moving with the song and my head turned to side, so anyone behind me can see me singing the words of that good song. hahaaa.. i cant believe when my mind did all this processing, but it definitely wasso natural to me. god! How low on confidence am I? am this is at the slightest hint of Nothing! he just looked at me! and I don’t even like him!

But still this urge to please was there and I only realised now.

I dont like to admit this.  I don’t think this is a good thing about me. why do i do this? and so naturally and yet so not me.

And there is this other guy in my office too, he’s my boss’s boss (i hate that word ‘boss’, but helps describing stuff here so). He’s handsome and tall and im actually attracted to him, but seriously i can’t even look him in the eyes and once when he came in front of me I couldn’t even say ‘hi’, not that he knows me or anything, but I was so tongue tied and its a silly school girl crush, only that Im not in school and he’s not my teacher. 🙂 Its fun to watch him from distance and …just that .. watch and see and get little dreamy eyed. 🙂

I guess when I find the right guy i wouldn’t feel the need to please, or will that never happen? I wonder!

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At the Waiting end..& more

Reflecting back on the year passed, it seems like is true that I have been on the Waiting End all through the year.

When I joined this company (with a salary hike) and got into this project, I was eagerly waiting for a good mid-year rating, which I did get, and then I waited for the Final year rating, which was OK because the hike was not so good with it, then I came to be waiting for my experience to complete a mark where I was eligible for Promotion, that happened, and then I waited for the management to get my Promotion Initiated (I had to literally run after them for 2 weeks, day and night), that was done, and then I waited for the process to be completed, now that is done and now I’m waiting for the Company Quarterly results to be out coz I will get the promotion letter thena nd will be able to see how much hike I have got, hopefully by end of this week / early next week, and then finally I will wait till the end of month to get the hike salary into my account. 🙂

Lots of waiting right!

Well, you may say that this was achievements or goals you achieved, but NO, it was all waiting. I have been waiting for each of these events like a watch dog, waiting for that evil cat sitting across the street to come near me, so I can get hold of it, except that the leash wont let me move around and so I sit and wait. Wow, I really feel leashed right now too. Maybe because I don’t enjoy what I do anymore. I enjoy everything else but not this.

Anyhow, so I had a meeting with my client manager today and I told him clearly that I want to go and that there is a replacement that I have in mind and she will be available by end of month, so if he wants to get her then he should act fast. He was not to supportive of the idea but still I have put a point in his empty head and I will keep asking him every week about it. God please, end of this month, let me go from here and withtin next month let me get a good onsite project so by next year I am out of Inida and there is no more leashed waiting.

Apart from all this, I’m in a good mood these days. The onbring of winter has this effect on me, the slight chill early mornings and late evenings, the feel good air and soon enough I’ll get my jackets out and run on the treadmill loving the warmth in my body.

 

Also a few more self care do’s have been put into practice, I cut some amla yesterday and will be eating 1 piece each day and also washed hair with amla-reetha-shikakai. Also, coming week , soups will become my supper and bring me all the glow and health I want. 🙂

At the friends end, well i’m not too happy with the current state but then I’m not complaining either. Hopefully, I will make the effort to meet few people often and go out a little more.

Love  – well love has not come around yet and I’m not waiting either, I’ve got a hundred things to work on myself, so i’ll let this rest for a while. 🙂

 

Cheers!!

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Ready or Not?

The absence of love life in my life is quite a dillusion to me. I really don’t know how I feel about it. Am I sad that no one is crazy in love with me? Am I happy with the empty space in life and only-advertisment-messages on my phone?

I’m actually kind of numb to it. No reaction. Like some dead part.

Sometimes I do think about having someone who likes me and smile away and dream on, but even in those dreams, its never a close relationship I see, its either someone who likes me and I know about it or vice versa. Its mostly flirting I think.

I’ve almost even stopped considering guys as prospects now. I hardly meet anyone and haven’t felt that way about anyone. Mostly I think I avoid such situations.. just weirdly!

If I had a perfectly nice guy standing at the door and waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would open the door or not. Am I ready for another person in my life?

I don’t think so.. and maybe reasons could be:

– Self conciousness. I don’t feel at all smart, sexy or wanted, not even to myself.  I am not happy abuot what reflects on the outside, so I don’t think I could accept anyone else accepting this me, whom even i don’t accept and want to change.

– Family. I feel guilty when I have too much fun and then I come back home to see my mom and bro at home. I feel like I need to keep them happy first. I know it can’t always be done, but I don’t like the guilt. Maybe having someone else in my life and sharing the love and attention will make me father away from them, I wuold hate myself if this happened. I do tend to get pretty involved when something new comes my way and I don’t think I can take that right now.

– Being with someone means taking and giving much more. I’m not sure I have any of the givingness left in me anymore. Infact, if I know myself even a little bit, I’m going to be all Needy and taking all the time, whatever it be, attention, love, care, money. I am not in sharing state or mode and I don’t know how that switch can be turned on either. Can someone love me without you giving back as much? I don’t know truely but I am little biased towards the negative answer on this.

 

Only time can tell where love and my life will meet.. but for now.. I don’t feel ready for it.

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