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Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

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Resolutions 2011!

Like I had promised to this blogspace, you all and myself..here are the Resolutions 2011..as if they have been accomplished

1. Wow I can speak French!   I started learning in April 2011 via Online tutorials and if I got lucky to meet someone to practice speaking it with too. I started Start date – April 2011. It’s the end of the year and I can speak proper entire grammatically correct sentences in French now. Merci beau coup!

2. I got an awesome 20% hike in salary from June 2011 onwards.

3.  I had got my passport in June 2011.

4.  I had got released from my last project in July 2011 and then I got my awaited Onsite project for New York in August 2011. Amazing!!! I was so thrilled ! YAY!! I’ve also been earning a lot of money here and saving almost 40% of it, even after I send 40% home and have 20% to myself, its more than enough for me.

5.  My apartment in New York is amazing. Its exactly what I had dream of. So much like Carrie’s apartment.

6. I’ve learned how to save money. I had been saving 10% of my salary since April 2011 until I moved to New York.  And I saved it all and gave it to mom before coming here.

7.  I learnt how to swim underwater in summers of 2011.

8. I have been a religious follower of Yoga since March 2011. Its become part of my life now, part of me, its just as important as waking up for me. I weighed myself in beginning of June 2011 to be 50 kgs and today I just weighed to be at the same.

9. I have learnt so much Yoga this year. I read books and then took some classes back in India. It really opened my mind to so many new things about our life, body, peace. I just started teaching Yoga here in New York at a centre.

10. I have finished my first novel. It is in review with many publishers and the offers are pouring in. I started writing it in July 2011 and completed it in November 2011.

11. Boys had been plenty this year. I had dated 3 guys back in Delhi, obviously one at a time and they were all nice. 2 indians and 1 firang. It was a good experience and I also parted as friends with them, no ugly endings, coz we were on the same page before starting anything. Here in New York, I have been dating guys, and mentionable is only 1 since, he’s who I’m currently dating. So far so good.

12.  I have learnt so much about nutrition. partly along with Yoga and also because in March 2011 I had developed a liking for cooking. I try and expirement and its usually good.

13. I have been taking good care of myself since April 2011, and I feel and look beautiful ,my skin is glowing and clear, my hair is strong and shiny, my abs and thighs are tight and maintained. I love it!

14.  Mom n sis have taken car and moved to a beautiful house in Delhi with a big lawn. I’ve been sending good money there and they’re putting into the house & car EMI.

15. I did great in jazz at Delhi, got promoted, was able to do 3 pirouettes and then when I came to New York i found this amazing studio near my place. I’ve been learning  there  almost every day and its getting better. I can do a full split now. 🙂 Believe me!

16 . As a person also I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome my fear of people not liking me and how I wanted to please everyone. I feel more confident today and its not only because of the looks, its more because I accept myself and the face that not everyone can like me. I am more relaxed and sorted now.

17. I have been travelling so much around New York. Almost every weekend I make plans with friends here. Its great to see this country. Next month December 2011, is planned for Europe – Italy. With the one i’m dating now. 🙂 wow!!

18. I had also won the Fiction writing contest for a magazine in India in April 2011.

19. I got a tattoo done from Kat Von De Camp in Miami. Its brilliant!!

20. I have also generated a good habit of brushing my teeth before sleep since March 2011. :)))

That was One hell of a Year!! Totally amazing!!!

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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.

 

It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!

 

I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.

 

Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.

 

So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.

 

4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!

 

5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.

 

6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.

 

P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.

 

Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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More on a saner note..

I checked the dictionary to see if that is a word actually, ‘saner’.  lol!

And since I did use ‘note’, so little update on some music in my life. Guitar learning has been relatively slow to when I had begun. However, the important past is it is going on. I used to take the class once a week, but last few weeks there wasn’t much practice so I did postpone it to bi-weekly.  The week before, on Monday class, my guitar was corrected for action and tune. The very next day it was out of tune, and I admit I haven’t learnt manual tuning yet. Well, I did learn, but its something that you learn with time, you kinda develop an ear for the correct sounds. So, when i tried to tune it nothing happened and it all went worse weird sounds. Then my bro tried to be too smart and broke off a string. He’s so funny, I didn’t know he had done something, but after one day he couldn’t keep the secret in his mouth and babbled it out. lol! That’s we call him ‘Randall’ from ‘The Recess’ cartoon. 🙂 Well, I asked my tutor t o drop in anytime this week and tune it for me, he said will try but he didn’t turn up so last monday he was surprised that I hadn’t done a thing. With little reminder he caught it was him missing, so no class, instead he changed some strings tuned it in, but I was not very happy with the sound of it, he said it ws the new strings, but I had doubts. The next day i.e yesterday Is at down with it and I just could n’t get myself to play coz really the sound wasn’t right. Now I may not know what the correct sound is, but I know what’s not the correct sound. I’ve asked my tutor for new strings and tuning help today again. Hopefully it will be as musical and soothing as before. Really, it was heartbreaking to see my guitar like that. Aww!

Then something about an old friend ‘S’, whom I have been in much drama with over the years and she has moved to Canada for a year now for work. She wouldn’t call and I tried a couple of times but not good response. She would call ‘A’ my other friend and then I would hear updated from her, which did not sound nice. She’s on Facebook and so I did always check her status and all, which I realized just made me sadder.

I once heard somewhere, that you should leave behind all that brings pain to ou, or something like that, and I realized this was bringing pain, it was something in the past that was good, but now dragging it into my present and hoping to get back what gone behind was only hurting. So, i wrote my status as something similar ‘If something that was joy and now only brings pain, is better to let go of. For All!’ and then removed her from my friends list. I don’t want to dig out this dead stuff and I’m not carrying the burden of it too. If it didn’t work then I cannot be the only reason right? I’m done mourning over it.  Huh! feel relieved!

Also something I am going to start is to ‘not be judgemental’, not form opinions quickly and also not see someone from other’s influenced POV. This should do me some good.

Yesterday, I completed one month (15 days to be precise) of going to gym and the scale has tilted to a kg less. It’s ok though. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m also having thoughts on starting yoga, but my past experience is stopping me. I used to do yoga and lost weight really well then I stopped, I think out of boredom, and then I puffed up so quickly, it was almost cheating or hidden side effect. Still thinking over it.

The last thing I want to talk about is work. Last friday plan to speak to my manager about the promotion did not happen, coz he wasn’t in office, now I am going there tomorrow.  Also I worked a few hours on Sunday night and so took my Monday as Comp off . Why do I feel I’ve already told you this?? Anyways, I so did not want to come to office. I was almost like a needle going through my heart inch by inch as the hours of monday night passed. I don’t know if this is how it’s with everyone, but the more time is going by, it’s getting more difficult to turn up after the weekend. Thankfully, once in office I am better. I don’t panic or cry or anything and do my work  i.e ofcourse after couple of hours of blogging pleasure.

Btw, I continuously follow this blog ‘The Compulsive Confessor’ and her blogs are totally amazing and she must be too. I started reading her blogs after I read her book ‘Here you are’ and it was sometime around the time when I had absolutely no work in office, so I started from her first blog and read through years of her life. It’s very interesting and honest. Nothing too fancy though.  Read it, its fun!

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Scattered things in my mind

It’s difficult to control your mind and I can say that very clearly now because I’ve noticed I’m always thinking something, not intentionally, but it just goes on and on. Just like in the mornings, when I’m ironing my clothes, brushing my teeth, these weird thoughts/conversations keep running in my head, sometimes arguments responses to some topic, sometimes its a replay of some drama series I have watches, sometimes the talks that someone else would do.. this is really difficult to explain, but in short it’s all bullshit going on. I literally have to tell myself to stop this crap and simply do what I am doing.

My mind is usually clouded with various things, sometimes these thoughts linger on for days. It’s so ridiculous that I don’t know what to do with them, maybe me calling my own ideas ‘ridiculous’ is the reason they don’t leave, I find them not important enough to be dealt with and yet they occupy much space in my mind…

What do I believe in? What do I have faith in?

This question has been there for a while now. I used to pray earlier but ever since college I’ve stopped. Now I mostly don’t feel it in me. It’s so numb. When I’m sad I do question god, but belief and faith haven’t shown their faces directly. Maybe in my heart I have them somewhere, but practicing them and feeling them hasn’t been happening.

I know the thing sin life that I believe in, honesty and hard work. But what drives me to believe they are real? How do i know in my heart that this is how it will be, i don’t know.

Faith. How do I build faith?

Sometimes I feel I don’t have faith in me. I don’t trust people, I’m so guarded all the time. In times of trouble, I don’t have the immoveable faith that tells me it will work out right. I don’t feel it. But I want to. Really! I want to feel that safety net around me that makes every fall jump back, I want it to be strong so that no words, people can budge it, I want to be part of something that is beyond our common senses, part of something that gives me strength.

Is there some mantra I need to repeat through the day? Will I see a dream that will guide me to my destiny and then I will have faith ? Does When do I know I have it? Is it with me already?

Why don’t I dress up well when I know I can. I don’t spend money on clothes. I stick to basics. If given the choice to buy something, I would buy something that is most basic and useful and not so much about great.In my mind I know what will work for me, but I just don’t take that effort to get it done. Is this just being lazy or maybe I don’t have the fashion hunger.

I don’t have a style of my own. I don’t give it importance. I know I would love to look good and feel good, but what keep me to be so on the safe side of things. Don’t I trust my judgement? Do I think I don’t deserve it?

Am I trying hard enough to reach my destiny? Am I missing out on something and that’s why things aren’t changing? Are things actually changing and I don’t see it?

Am i practical enough or have too much dreamy ideas? I think it’s mostly dreamy ones. Like for the kind of friends I want , the boyfriend should do this. Ohh.. maybe I already have too many expectations set up in my mind and when they don’t turn true I feel hurt.

Could I clean this expectations board into blank in my mind. I would love to accept people the way they are. Why is this so difficult, this is just what normal people do right. Am i not normal?? Great… now I’m questioning my being normal. Howzat!!

What am I meant to do in this world? What is my purpose?

If all this stops then maybe I will think clearly. Or maybe I don’t want to think at all.

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latest repeats on my i-pod list

I keep on repeating the songs that are my recent favs.. so here’s the updated list:

Wonderwall by Oasis- my guitar tutor plays this so well. He introduced me to this song.

You by Switchfoot – again guitar tutor reason

How to Save a life by The Fray – I heard this long time back as soundtrack of Grey’s Anatomy I think, but recently downloaded it. The lyrics are so real for break up type thing, not that I’m in that thing, but you know sometimes the reality being portrayed so honestly becomes its charm. That’s in this song.

Heartshaped Box by Evanescene (acoustic) – the lyrics don’t make much sense to me, yet I like the voice so much.

Stop Crying your heart out by Oasis – this is also a soundtrack of movie ‘Made of Honor’ which I totally love. 🙂

Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson – I love her voice. The roughness.

New York by Jay Z ft Alica Keys – ‘These lights will inspire you, the streets will make you feel brand new’ – if you know something about me. then you’d know,  I’m obsessed with ‘New York’.

Better in Time by Leona Lewis – I love her voice & style of singing and also the moving on message in the song.

Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson and Antsy pants – It’s like my state of mind. The lyrics are ‘The flower wished it was a tree, the tree wished it was a different kind of tree. The turtle wish it could fly, really high into the sky and dive into the sea. In the sea there is a fish, the fish that has a secret wish, a wish to be a big cactus with a flower on it’. Got it? It’s about wishing to be at a different place and a different person. It’s also a soundtrack from movie ‘Juno’ , which I liked, but not loved, but like the teenage girls honest performance.

Btw I typed all this yesterday night at around 3 am and when I clicked Publish some weird admin error message came up and then the window closed, but I was too tired to go and check it all again. Thankfully, it was saved as draft today except the tree hugger song.

Autosave draft hurrah!! 🙂

I’m going out with a fren today, not ‘A’, someother group, more about it wen I’m back.

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Today & weekend bucket list!

God! finally a weekend. I feel exhausted, even though I took a mid day off. ?You just feel somethings without reasons, r maybe there are reasons but too complex/simple to see.

Today was a good day! A lot of anxiety and some good words in the end. So, Good. I had the yearly feedback meeting set up for today ans my manager was at my office for all that (she..ya she usually goes to another location that is closer to her place). She had scheduled it for he last hour of my working hour, so the anxiety was building up for the entire day and then there was this ‘what its going to be?’ thing. I had been hearing some news around for my promotion talks and since the position of my senior is now empty and I have been pretty much doing much of it by myself. This was always some rumour type and some hype by my only friend type in ofc ‘D’. She kept telling that it’s on the way and I kept telling her not to raise my expectations coz then if it didn’t turn out then I wouldn’t feel good or motivated at all, but she kept saying and then there did come a thought that maybe. blah! *making weird faces now* Anyways, my manager came to my seat earlier in the day and told me that there are a few things but not to keep much expectations from the meeting. I was like ok. In the past few weeks, she had mentioned to me in a few conversations about putting my name for some award, but she didn’t specify which one. So today in the meeting (which started 15 min before my leaving time) we started with my opinion on the entire year progress and then she came to providing feedback on other items. There were good things and then some improvement areas that I was aware of and few that were not clear to me, I heard patiently and tried to capture much in my head, I talked my part on stuff but the conversation was left in between as I had to leave for the day and then I told her that we need to connect again on this. She told me that she had nominated my name for the highest rated award of the organisation and was hoping it would get through and also that she did nominate earlier in the year for other smaller awards but they did not get through. So YAY! 🙂 i’ll get this one I’m sure. 🙂 Also no promotion for now, maybe in the next cycle i.e June. Hmm. Ever since I came from the meeting my mind is buzzing how to polish myself for the next role that I am stepping in (without official promotion) and what all I need to work on effectively and immediately. I won’t say boring stuff here, but no blogging in office for sure. It distracts me, it pulls me to the better world of words and expressions. It takes my time and then I do everything else at work, but obviously in smaller span of time. So what I’m saying is ‘Be where you are’ has to be done asap.

Weekend Bucket list:

I was thinking it’s going to be a not-step-out-of-home-weekend but then just spoke to ‘A’ and he has this office party tomorrow so he asked if I would join him and I said I don’t know, but don’t want to miss meeting someone interesting, although he’s into IT too, so all geeky crowd 😦 but you never know.I don’t want to miss a chance and besides its been ages since I went for a party and booz. Btw ‘A’ is my long time fren whom I had a fight with 2 weeks back coz he was not making time to meet and was acting like an old man for the past 3 months now. C’mon, we’re close friends. I call him my best friend in boys. Yes! there is a difference in boys and girls friends, for some weird people like me.  

back to the list.

1. Start the book. Actually I was thinking mor like dedicating this weekend to the book, but now I’m being realistic and saying something serious and dedicated must be started. pull previous notes, decide the plot, characters, narration.. anything but something serious.

2. Guitar practice

3. Organise my stuff.

4. Get the pencil and paper out, some sketching might do some good to my creative soul. I’m sure.*Optional

Enough for 2 days right.

And yes… RELAX!!! 🙂

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