Category Archives: interpret

Forbiden Fruits

There is a attractive thing about the things are forbiden for you, whosoever it may be forbiden by, family, religion, society or even plain and simple conscious. They seem so ….. exciting and thrilling and I dont mean it in any cheap way, but just the feel of doing what you should not does have a very appealing and attractiveness to it.

Why I’m saying this is beacuse I have been there and felt it. Even sometimes the stupidest of things so exciting just because I know it is forbiden or in simple words not readily acceptable by people around me.

I have always been a rebel, ever since I remember, always, and I can’t help but wonder, is this only how I feel because I have this rebelious streak in me? Or are these things just as attractive to the obidient and disciplined ones?

I’m not saying we should give in to this but a little bit is no harm right? Of course you have to be in the right mindset to understand where the thrill ends and addiction begins.

I always thought that it is all really simple, you either

– want something or you don’t

– want to do a job or don’t

-like someone or don’t

-want to be with someone or don’t

-know when you’re just having fun or getting addicted

But overtime and the years (mostly the last 4 years) I have learn’t that it isn’t all that simple.  Sometimes life dosen’t come in black or white, there are many shades of gray and each blurs the border around the other. You are around someone and you feel like this may be something, but there is this hesitation and this doubt, you know its better this way but still you can’t help but think what if there was something how would it be?

How do you know when its your conscious giving you hints and when its just yourself trying to make something of nothing?

We’ve been friends and I know him and I know he cares a lot. I was never attracted towards him and now when we’re together there is something. I was always conscious about how I looked when he was around and I dodn’t think that meant anything, but now I’m begining to rethink, did it? If I think of us together I feel repelled and there is this uncomfortable feeling. Maybe its just the physicality of us being together for so long and now parting away that is making me feel like this.

I have one of the best friendships and I cherish it a lot. So why these thoughts and why this strange something. Maybe it just that we are going to be so far away and its this feeling of missing a friend that is confusing me up.

But I know this for sure… I don’t want to act upon these unsure thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to spoil anything. I will let time decide if this means anything. For now.. its just the way things were.

 

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Questions???

I have a lot of free time on me these days and this means that even if I am doing something it is out of will or in a very non rushed manner (except when I visit the office a few times). How this free-non-rushed things affect me is that they make me aware of the questions in my mind.

I am listening to that voice which questions a lot and makes everything seem so meaningless unless I have an answer to it.

This is a time in my life when I am questioning myself and the life around me, but the answers are what I’m hoping to find, discovering them, learning from them, searching for them.

The questions that are mostly in my head are:

What am I meant to do in this life?

What do I WANT to do in this life?

What is my REASON for existence?

How does one find their true calling?

Can life be different than the society norms and yet be complete and fulfilling?

Why do you need marriage and kids?

One can live happily alone, forver?

Does everything have to be in the pattern that society has set, school-college-job-savings-house-car-marriage-kids-more savings-and again the viscous circle…

What if I don’t want all this? can i live happily alone?

Why do people take others responsibilities and complicate their lives?

What if I don’t want to get caught in all this? Am I escaping facing the path of life?

What if you are only responsible for yourself? Wouldn’t that be so freeing and so relieving? No responsibility no obligation no tension?

 

I want to know the answers myself before I involve anyone else into these puzzles.

Is a broken relationship of childish teenage dreams the reason why I feel so distant from the concepts of companionship and togetherness of a lifetime?

Is this the influence of The Boss which makes him my ideal and I want the same kind of freedom like him?

Why do I call it freedom? Why do I feel so bound right now? Why does it feel trapped and obligated? Why dosen’t my will overcome this feeling of weighed down?

 

These are important questions and the answers will make my life. I may get caught in the rat race of life, but I will not forget these questions and I will always look for the answers within and outside.

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Freaking out!!!

I am freaking out and eating too much and behaving irritated and well weird…

I don’t know what it is! I know the possible things / events that could have been responsible, but a major reason is that I don’t want to acknowledge what is happening. Its like that old habit of ignoring that I have developed. I just put my mind into TV freeze (my term) or mindless eating more like hogging.

I’m not sure of why I am like this, but  I’m finicky and restless and I cant  don’t want to sleep till wee hours and I’m not writing about any of this and God!

 

Good things are happening and now I’m not even fully enjoying it. Why the hell am I so scared? scared that this good thing might vanish? why am I not believing in it and enjoying this???

 

I should be super thrilled… and here I am freaking out!!!!

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Is it just people I know or everyone?

Since I don’t have much to do these days, I was going through profiles of people from my school / college, people who are NOT on my friends list, but whom I know. A lot, and I mean a lot of them were transformed into pretty little good figured females. How??? A few of them were well.. a lot heavier and much elder looking and now they look fab and thin and fab and thin..

Not that I’m not happy for them, but really how?? A few girls from my school who used to be fat fat and now they look like stick thin and well kept like they have always been that way. They are stylish and no one could ever say they could’ve been different before.

A few girls from my college were also really fat and looked like mother of 2-3 children, and now they had the perfect curves as looked so nice.

So I was wondering.. is it just people I knew or is everyone getting thin and fabulous???

I have taken to it (this event) as a inspiration and have kept some goals for myself. If they could do it then i bloody well can too. I mean I have wanted to change since a lot of years and now that they have done it, I want to get over with it too. Not to show them, but for myself, for my fitter and healthier life, for my feeling good and loving what I see in the mirror, for a regret free area in my life.

I will !

 

 

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Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

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Same mistakes again…

Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.

 

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

 

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

 

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

 

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

 

What do I do?

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Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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