Lovey Dovey

Well.. I just watched few episodes of “The OC” mostly of Ryan and Taylor, and ooohhh.. I’m all aww.. and soo cute.. and ee. and got a silly smile on my face and imagining something like that to myself in real life. Ofcourse this means that I would have to have perfect hair all the time and also be thin and slim without going to workout and even if I eat anything, but I think those are the things that are exaggerated parts of movies and TV you know.

 

Other things, like being with someone, coincidences, friends, love, crazy thinking and talking  – like taylor, confused boys  – like ryan, happy go lucky – like Summer, simple, cute and so funny – like Seth, these are inspired by real people , real lives.

 

So with all that love and romance and sweet feelings floating around me, i’m so happy and really happy that someday i’ll have a story to share. i’m not saying tomorrow, but you know the way things make you fell good and give you hope and make you feel that something better is waiting in the future and it will be perfect for you.

🙂

 

How do you maintain your Diet when you GO OUT?

Well.. I’ve been trying to get on the SLIM and Healthy train and just last weekend I totally wrecked my diet coz I went OUT…

Should a person on a healthy diet NEVER GO OUT??? not possible.. so I’m looking for some tips here…

How do you guys maintain your food habits when you go out??

Acceptance..

I’ve written so many posts about my dad, how I miss him, how I cry when I think of him, how it still hurts and so many emotions come up with his thoughts.

 

A few days back, I looked at his picture, which my mom has kept over the small temple box we have at home and i actually smiled at him. I told him I’m doing good, I’m happy. I can’t tell you how that moment felt. It was something you can’t explain.

 

I can’t be sure if it was acceptance, happiness, letting go, moving on or what, but it felt so good. I felt like I was talking to him and he was listening. Like we had a connection, like he was here only and all the pain and hurt and tears they were just a bad dream.

It was his presence and looking at me and smiling that gave me some assurance, the sadness was gone.

A clear and peaceful mind is what I got that day. And I don’t feel the burden anymore. I don’t feel bad. I feel good.

 

Maybe he has gotten peace and I have too.

 

Love you dad .. and this time I don’t have tears in my eyes, only a smile to my face as I think of you.

Do you like Steady? Settled?

A friend of my got married a year ago at the age of 24, for me its pretty soon but to each his own so. She was initially having troubles adjusting to her husband’s thoughts and the new family, but now she’s settled in well. I spoke to her about a week ago and she told me “life is settled you know, its all set and steady”. I was happy for her, but actually it sounded little boring too.

I mean in my life too, when thing become little too much the-same-way-everyday or you know scheduled around the same events, I find it boring, yes relaxed but boring.

 

Would you call being settled and steady ‘Boring’?

 

And seriously I can’t live with boring. I can hang on to it for a while, but then questions of ‘why am i alive?’ and ‘what am I here on this earth for?’ start floating in my head, which sometimes really makes me want to give up the boring life and might as well become a Buddhist. So seriously, being bored is really dangerous for me!

 

I wouldn’t say make my life an episode of ‘The survivor’ but yes, some spice, some new faces, some new places, something new basically has to come around often. Like in the movie ‘Jab We Met’, Geet says ‘bas babaji ab is night ko boring bana do’.. not sure that is what I want.

 

Something so funny happened today, I was at my jazz dance class and we were just starting out the warm up, and as I looked at myself in the mirror with the entire batch doing warm up, I couldn’t help but smile, the thoughts that came to my mind were something like ‘ Now you’re doing what you enjoy, look at yourself, you’re at a dance class, learning something, this is so cool’. I became so happy.

Something made me feel very happy. Something spontaneous. Something new.

 

You know even if I get married, I wouldn’t want to get a office, home, family, settled thing, I would like a husband who’s adventurous and we’d go out, camps, treks, separate trips, together trips. A happening life.. a settled and happening life.

 

 

Ready or Not?

The absence of love life in my life is quite a dillusion to me. I really don’t know how I feel about it. Am I sad that no one is crazy in love with me? Am I happy with the empty space in life and only-advertisment-messages on my phone?

I’m actually kind of numb to it. No reaction. Like some dead part.

Sometimes I do think about having someone who likes me and smile away and dream on, but even in those dreams, its never a close relationship I see, its either someone who likes me and I know about it or vice versa. Its mostly flirting I think.

I’ve almost even stopped considering guys as prospects now. I hardly meet anyone and haven’t felt that way about anyone. Mostly I think I avoid such situations.. just weirdly!

If I had a perfectly nice guy standing at the door and waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would open the door or not. Am I ready for another person in my life?

I don’t think so.. and maybe reasons could be:

– Self conciousness. I don’t feel at all smart, sexy or wanted, not even to myself.  I am not happy abuot what reflects on the outside, so I don’t think I could accept anyone else accepting this me, whom even i don’t accept and want to change.

– Family. I feel guilty when I have too much fun and then I come back home to see my mom and bro at home. I feel like I need to keep them happy first. I know it can’t always be done, but I don’t like the guilt. Maybe having someone else in my life and sharing the love and attention will make me father away from them, I wuold hate myself if this happened. I do tend to get pretty involved when something new comes my way and I don’t think I can take that right now.

– Being with someone means taking and giving much more. I’m not sure I have any of the givingness left in me anymore. Infact, if I know myself even a little bit, I’m going to be all Needy and taking all the time, whatever it be, attention, love, care, money. I am not in sharing state or mode and I don’t know how that switch can be turned on either. Can someone love me without you giving back as much? I don’t know truely but I am little biased towards the negative answer on this.

 

Only time can tell where love and my life will meet.. but for now.. I don’t feel ready for it.

Anxiety is a killer

And this is what I’m exactly feeling right now..

I started my day very well, feeling light (thanks to the diet), and also quite positive about having a good day ahead, got dressed, was moving out of house towards cab, and then my landlady came and said if we were still staying this month or moving out. Well, I’m still standing here, so? I told her I’ll talk in the evening, and she says well in that case you’ll have to pay the increased rent. I didn’t answer and said I will talk in the evening, and toc ompletely spoil my mood she went 1 step ahead and started blabbering as I was moving away.

I could just pull out all her hair right now..damn she really pissed me off…

In the cab all I was thinking was about where will we get a new place so fast and how to avoid paying to the realtors and all this stuff.

I really don’t like this. I never want to grow up. I want to go back to being akid, playing being my nly happiness, sleeing wihtout any anxiety, food being just something that mom is always asking to finish, being carried around in dad’s arms, being pamapered and loved.

 I don’t want to be this grown up, earning money, fighting food and hunger, having so many repsonsibilities, materialistic needs to make me happy, worried about being loved.

 

I wish I cuold just close my eyes and get back to being 2 years old again.

 

Well, I’m trying to cool myself and think positive, imagining that we’ve got a good place without havin to pay realtor and moved easily.

But still, when I reach back home, these things will be have to be dealt with. Maybe my running away from this until it becomes absolutely impossible to ignore, is what makes it so painful.

 

I will try to make it easy for myself. I will go back home and talk out calmly and then look for another place. And if those people don’t agree then I will NOT burn my blood over some mere 1500 rs, I’ve been putting too much effort on my health to let it all go away for those stupid and greedy people. I’ve read stress and anxiety make you put on kilos.

To relax and imagine is my target…

+ mom isnot well today, so it seems like I will be taking the ‘calling to find out available homes’ work from office, which makes me feel guilty/ not the right thing, but hey, I can’tkeep everything in separate areas right? this is all part of my life and at some point they will intersect each other and overlap.

Patience.. calm.. easy..

Also, at work, we have a produciton this weekend and my only teammate is pregnant and is on sick leave today. Well we have no spare time and i have to take some extra help from others, seems like the rest of the week will be packed up more than I would want.

Imagine the best is my target…

Peace….calm..