Forbiden Fruits

There is a attractive thing about the things are forbiden for you, whosoever it may be forbiden by, family, religion, society or even plain and simple conscious. They seem so ….. exciting and thrilling and I dont mean it in any cheap way, but just the feel of doing what you should not does have a very appealing and attractiveness to it.

Why I’m saying this is beacuse I have been there and felt it. Even sometimes the stupidest of things so exciting just because I know it is forbiden or in simple words not readily acceptable by people around me.

I have always been a rebel, ever since I remember, always, and I can’t help but wonder, is this only how I feel because I have this rebelious streak in me? Or are these things just as attractive to the obidient and disciplined ones?

I’m not saying we should give in to this but a little bit is no harm right? Of course you have to be in the right mindset to understand where the thrill ends and addiction begins.

I always thought that it is all really simple, you either

– want something or you don’t

– want to do a job or don’t

-like someone or don’t

-want to be with someone or don’t

-know when you’re just having fun or getting addicted

But overtime and the years (mostly the last 4 years) I have learn’t that it isn’t all that simple.  Sometimes life dosen’t come in black or white, there are many shades of gray and each blurs the border around the other. You are around someone and you feel like this may be something, but there is this hesitation and this doubt, you know its better this way but still you can’t help but think what if there was something how would it be?

How do you know when its your conscious giving you hints and when its just yourself trying to make something of nothing?

We’ve been friends and I know him and I know he cares a lot. I was never attracted towards him and now when we’re together there is something. I was always conscious about how I looked when he was around and I dodn’t think that meant anything, but now I’m begining to rethink, did it? If I think of us together I feel repelled and there is this uncomfortable feeling. Maybe its just the physicality of us being together for so long and now parting away that is making me feel like this.

I have one of the best friendships and I cherish it a lot. So why these thoughts and why this strange something. Maybe it just that we are going to be so far away and its this feeling of missing a friend that is confusing me up.

But I know this for sure… I don’t want to act upon these unsure thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to spoil anything. I will let time decide if this means anything. For now.. its just the way things were.

 

Questions???

I have a lot of free time on me these days and this means that even if I am doing something it is out of will or in a very non rushed manner (except when I visit the office a few times). How this free-non-rushed things affect me is that they make me aware of the questions in my mind.

I am listening to that voice which questions a lot and makes everything seem so meaningless unless I have an answer to it.

This is a time in my life when I am questioning myself and the life around me, but the answers are what I’m hoping to find, discovering them, learning from them, searching for them.

The questions that are mostly in my head are:

What am I meant to do in this life?

What do I WANT to do in this life?

What is my REASON for existence?

How does one find their true calling?

Can life be different than the society norms and yet be complete and fulfilling?

Why do you need marriage and kids?

One can live happily alone, forver?

Does everything have to be in the pattern that society has set, school-college-job-savings-house-car-marriage-kids-more savings-and again the viscous circle…

What if I don’t want all this? can i live happily alone?

Why do people take others responsibilities and complicate their lives?

What if I don’t want to get caught in all this? Am I escaping facing the path of life?

What if you are only responsible for yourself? Wouldn’t that be so freeing and so relieving? No responsibility no obligation no tension?

 

I want to know the answers myself before I involve anyone else into these puzzles.

Is a broken relationship of childish teenage dreams the reason why I feel so distant from the concepts of companionship and togetherness of a lifetime?

Is this the influence of The Boss which makes him my ideal and I want the same kind of freedom like him?

Why do I call it freedom? Why do I feel so bound right now? Why does it feel trapped and obligated? Why dosen’t my will overcome this feeling of weighed down?

 

These are important questions and the answers will make my life. I may get caught in the rat race of life, but I will not forget these questions and I will always look for the answers within and outside.

Freaking out!!!

I am freaking out and eating too much and behaving irritated and well weird…

I don’t know what it is! I know the possible things / events that could have been responsible, but a major reason is that I don’t want to acknowledge what is happening. Its like that old habit of ignoring that I have developed. I just put my mind into TV freeze (my term) or mindless eating more like hogging.

I’m not sure of why I am like this, but  I’m finicky and restless and I cant  don’t want to sleep till wee hours and I’m not writing about any of this and God!

 

Good things are happening and now I’m not even fully enjoying it. Why the hell am I so scared? scared that this good thing might vanish? why am I not believing in it and enjoying this???

 

I should be super thrilled… and here I am freaking out!!!!

So Much

Suddenly so much is happening around me / with me. That dead long wait is over and things are moving ahead.

 

One thinks about the future, about things they want and when it actually happens, the anticipation of it doesn’t quite match up to the actual thing. I guess that’s why dreams are more pleasant, they are much happier, merrier and enjoyable, once they turn to reality the charm kind of fuzzes   out. I’m not saying you’re not happy, yes you are, but that spark of visioning it just the way you want (which always isn’t true when it happens) or maybe the real thing and the stuff around it is a lot of work.

I’m going around in circles, so I’ll stop this here.. I will write more about it when its done.

 

I’m happy and then little sad. And I’m beginning to think that I really don’t know how to enjoy the good things that come my way. I was not always like this. I used to live it! Now I worry too much, worry about how, when, what if, next. God ! I need to stop this worrying.

 

Speaking of God, I’m glad to acknowledge that I see the light of faith, a new belief, some unquestionable trust, something is changing in this sphere.

 

Also, I’m thinking about what is important? It seems to be the underlying question but now surfacing a little in my life. Keeping it simple is on my agenda and for now I’m happy and little unsettled.

 

P.S : writing really helps.

Is it just people I know or everyone?

Since I don’t have much to do these days, I was going through profiles of people from my school / college, people who are NOT on my friends list, but whom I know. A lot, and I mean a lot of them were transformed into pretty little good figured females. How??? A few of them were well.. a lot heavier and much elder looking and now they look fab and thin and fab and thin..

Not that I’m not happy for them, but really how?? A few girls from my school who used to be fat fat and now they look like stick thin and well kept like they have always been that way. They are stylish and no one could ever say they could’ve been different before.

A few girls from my college were also really fat and looked like mother of 2-3 children, and now they had the perfect curves as looked so nice.

So I was wondering.. is it just people I knew or is everyone getting thin and fabulous???

I have taken to it (this event) as a inspiration and have kept some goals for myself. If they could do it then i bloody well can too. I mean I have wanted to change since a lot of years and now that they have done it, I want to get over with it too. Not to show them, but for myself, for my fitter and healthier life, for my feeling good and loving what I see in the mirror, for a regret free area in my life.

I will !

 

 

Resolutions 2012!

I failed miserably at my 2011 resolutions (I achieved only 2-3).. and mostly i can reason it to be unrealistic goals or more like wishful goals which don’t go well with the practicality of my life.

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess. 🙂

 

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

Closure!!!

Never mind how things started out, I feel it is really important that they end in a proper manner. And I am not at all good at this. I have left friendships turn sour to rock cold and also relationships to complete ignore and run away situations. But Closure does feel good.

I were my last  few days in the office and I had been literally running after The Boss to give me sometime to talk to him, he did give me time but like his true self he opened the conversation on a topic he assumed I had come to talk about i.e career and then carried on with his preaching (which are quite interesting and I like to hear and not interfere as I feel like I’m getting to know a little part of him a little better) and then he very conveniently closes the conversation also, without even asking if the other person has anything more to add. 🙂

 

I knew I could leave without letting him know how  I felt and telling him to his face was out of question because I am always so tongue tied in front of him. A night before my last day in office, I sat down and wrote him a letter, yeah very old fashioned I know, but this letter was not an instant pouring of emotions. I had been writing these notes in my phone and saving them. I would write them during my morning meetings in office , which I was hardly interested in because I knew I was leaving, I would write them on the way back home in cab, when I was staying late in office hoping to meet him. Finally a four page letter was written and I kept it on my bed to collect in the morning. When I left in the morning I forgot it at home, of course typical me. For a moment I thought God did not want me to give him those letters, but then I decided otherwise.

I went to the office, waited for him to come and then I pinged him saying I needed his 5 minutes, I needed to give him something, he asked what I told him something I wrote and he asked if it was the career thing he had told me about, I told him he will know when he reads it but he has to promise not to open it until after office , after I leave. He promised. He said I could come now but I wasn’t ready with the letter which I had to rewrite again.

 

I took some blank sheets and popped into an empty meeting room and then got down to it. The 4 sheets came pretty close to the original ones. I folded into an envelope and went to meet him.

 

The 5 minutes went onto 30 minutes. He talked about so many things, his life, what he’s trying to do, what he thinks of his past life, its all too complicated to write here but someway i could understand him. He also mentioned that earlier in our conversations he had mentioned some of the topic he took today, because they were meant to be talked about only when the person in front of him was understanding him and what he was saying. So he admitted that he felt I was understanding him thoughts and stuff he said.

 

After the conversation I was doubtful if I should hand him the letter or not, but keeping the fear away i gave them to him and said my final bye and shook hands (i initiated).

 

after reaching home it was almost 2 hours after work, I didn’t feel like going to gym and just sat in the quilt. I messaged him if he had read it yet. After about 15minutes I got his call. I jumped from the bed. The first thing he asked was if I was officially out of the organisation (client) I said yes now I am not professionally linked to them anyways, then he said he was relieved that he can talk to me like a friend. He said he appreciated everything and he had a laugh over how I was keeping an eye on him, he expressed that I should think of writing something, he said it made him feel good that such pure feelings still exist and he also said that I should not keep myself from moving ahead and be happy.

He was so friendly, a completely different tone than what I have heard earlier.

I asked him to keep the sheets with him as I will take them back from him someday.

It felt good. He called. He could have ignored. This swept away all the feelings of being ignored and hurt that I would feel everytime he didn’t respond to me. It was closure to me.

And also he said he would help and guide and mentor if I wanted his help.

 

I was so happy!! It felt like the perfect end to a perfect crush. 🙂

 

Same mistakes again…

Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.

 

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

 

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

 

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

 

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

 

What do I do?

Happy and Sad

Thanks to The Boss! I’ve been having small talk on chat with him and he’s usually not much responsive, that fact I am avoiding and going ahead with being friendly. Its funny how I’m so comfortable on the chat and talk my heart out, in controlled way, but when he’s infront of me I can hardly say a word.

So another occasion of having him face to face had come. There was a guy leaving our team and we wanted a farewell party for him, he suggested we call The Boss also, coz The Boss had helped him a lot and he wanted to thank him. He’s helpful also..ooohhh. Anyways so because I arrange most of the farewell parties so this was also given to me. Now all the arrangements were made and I was asked him what he wanted to eat, coz he dosen’t eat pizza and all, I asked if fruits and juice would be ok, he said yes, ofcourse this was all on chat.

I dressed well, arranged the lunch and ran around to get things in place and then he came. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, there are only few excuses where you get to admire him openly and I was taking full advantage of it. I was not eating anything and team people starting teasing me as to why I’m not eating anything and someone said ‘Are you dieting?’ and other said ‘How do you control yourself?’, I was blushing and going red in the face and looking down and then I politely replied ‘I don’t like pizzas’ and then looked at The Boss, he was enjoying the jokes too and smiling and looking down. So cute. I could have stared away forever. God I am so infatuated with him. 🙂 Anyways so he wasn’t talking much, except about his athlete stuff and all and then people started performing jokes and all, it was much funny. He was laughing and all. I loved to see him enjoy. I only exchanged 1 sentence directly with him. Only 1. Where he said that some team of his made him race go carting with them and he won, I said ‘it could be been intentional you know’ and he looked at me and said ‘ yes it could be intentional’.

He left after sometime and then later the team sat for few more minutes and talked and then we came back to our seats. I hadn’t had lunch so I went for lunch and saw that he was there too, eating lunch.  I think he smiled.

Afterwards the team sent few mails about how the appreciated my efforts and the party was good, keeping The Boss in loop.

 

Later in the evening I was waiting for him to be alone in his cabin, I crossed it a few times and looked, so I could chat with him. When I saw he was free I said hi and then we chatted a little, this time he was a little more responsive and not just yes or no, then after 8-9 messages he was back to yes /no. I asked if he didn’t speak much and only in mono syllabus and he said yes. I asked him if any one had commented on his glasses, he wears quite big framed bold rim glasses and   he said no and he assumed it looks funny, I told him he looks really good in them and he said sure, like sarcastically and i said i’m not kidding they do look good on u, he said thanks and then I asked if he belongs to this city he said yes and then I asked if he lives with family, then no response, after 15 minutes I said im guessing no, no response again, and few minutes after he says have a good weekend, that means bye end of our conversation. I said bye and take care and thought he would be leaving soon too. Then I had to get up from my desk and get some prints and get ready to go, when I came back I saw someone sitting in his cabin, I didn’t directly cross his cabin but there is a meeting room in front of his cabin , i went into the meeting room and bent down to see who was sitting with him, OMG, there was a girl there, the one my friend had told me about, who often stays back after work and chats with him a lot. My heart broke into pieces. It was so sad. I was so happy that we had started talking and I gave him a compliment and all and now he said bye to me and is spending time with this girl. She’s not even pretty you know, only stick thin and flat.

Why would he do that to me?

 

Okay they may be friends but still when another girl is showing interest in you, you don’t say bye to her and talk to your other female friend.

I think he dosen’t like me at all. 😦

This is not good. I have to find someone else to focus my thoughts to, I can’t be so dependent on him to make me happy or sad, after all what do I know about him, nothing!

 

So after office me and N had to go for movie and dinner. That was fun and we went and talked a lot. N keeps saying these things that seem like hints that he likes me or would like to like me or something, but I’m not comfortable with that idea, I mean of course physical stuff is a tempting thought, but with N, he knows me too much and I don’t think it will ever happen or I want it to ever happen for real. But in the moment of things you know, sometimes these images do come in your hea. Like he mentioned if I would like to his room, I said yes, because its been a long time since I saw a bachelor pad and then it was N’s place and he keeps explaining it, so it would be nice to see it, but then he said its too untidy and messy today, so maybe some other day and at that moment this image of him and me  in his room and me looking around and he comes behind me and I turn to see him too close to me and we kiss, god this image came to me, I shook it off, maybe that was the effect of the romantic movies I see so much. And then when we were in the car and he was driving and I handed him something and I touched his palms for a fraction of second, I did feel that jitter in my body, you know, not the friendly one, it was like jitter that goes up your body. Anyways I ignored it and kept looking into the phone.

I cam home with mixed thoughts in my head and those reasons I dreamt of him and me and I kept shaking it off and kept trying to keep The Boss and dream of him instead.

Tuff dreaming too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funny feelings

Things are getting really funny now. Funny in the smiley & gigly way and not actually comic way.

I had stupidly shown my likeness for The Boss openely in front of the team, but obviously that was in the initial days, just fun stuff. I never knew that this will grow on me so much that it actually makes me blush when everyone now teases me with his name.

We had a team meeting today with The Boss and I wanted to look good, so I dressed into this new top, white and flary and it made me look good and everyone was teasing me that I was dressed well coz we had the meeting and I told them that I’m over him but they went on and on about it.

 

The meeting was just after lunch and I kept getting so impatient when everyone was eating so slow, obviously I had to do a touch up before I met him and then they started teasing that I was running to see him.

Now Im getting little worried that I want this noise to die out before it reaches The Boss. It would be so embarassing if he heard that I have been openly airing my liking for him to everyone, he would think of me as what, idiot or a silly girl. Oh no! But how do I get this teasing stopped? Its getting me nervous.

Apart from that I’m really enjoying this phase rite now. Listing to romantic songs and thinking of him and catching glimpses of him and blushing. This is all way too much fun to end. Seriously I would love to feel this excited for a long time. Maybe as long as I’m here at this client site i.e as long as I am around The Boss.

However it would be great to get some response from him too, maybe he has noticed me and like something too. Well i’m sure he knows who I am, coz I did put my foot in my mouth and start communication on the office chat and he responded but quite limited. But he did respond and that too when I asked some less office stuff. I was in such jitters when i typed and waited for his response. I was like ‘Oh shit! what did I do!’ over and over again. But it was so thrilling, total adreline rush I tell you.  Then again I did the same towards the end of the day, but after the weekend and my one day off since last chat conversation, a simple hi and how are you, both were well responded and then I asked how was the weekend and then there was silence. I kept waiting and nothing. And then I saw him leave office.  It made me sad and I felt like an idiot. ofcourse I’m excited but to him this must be all new and so unfamiliar, some girl in his team chating him up and being so friendly. Maybe it would have made him doubt his authority in office too, you know that am I linent that people just come and tell me whatever they want. I got over it completely giving him the benefit of doubt and suddeness of all this. I came into office today all dressed well and opened my system to find his response there, he had answered but due to some system delay I wasn’t able to see the resonse then. oh my god! he did respond. i was so exited. I have been looking at that chat conversation day all day, from time to time i.e.making sure no one around me sees it. He did reply! he didn’t ignore me! I love him! okay that was out of nowhere. I love him for not ignoring me.

 

Even though I am enjoying being the crazy silly girl drooling over The Boss, yet I think what I would do to make him realize how much I like him. Btw how much do I like him? I really don’t know, coz I can’t seem to see beyond this funny and exciting feeling.

I am a go all the way person you know. I had the idea to leave hims me gift in his cabin, since he comes little late. I got this idea from ‘Mahi Way’ ofcourse, not that I am fat as Mahi but yeah as silly as her for sure. I was thinking of leaving a small bicycle shaped eraser, coz cycling is his hobby. Stupid? I know. He’s a 32 yr old man, what is a bicycle shaped eraser to him? Well it sounds so sweet to me. But maybe that would have worked if he didn’t know who was the silly girl who has a crush on him, but I guess  now he would  know.

Once before I started converstaion with him i had thought of getting a new mobile sim and then text him being a stranger and get talking to him and later reveal that who I was, but now that also seems not doable. And it did feel way too stalky and freaky too.

 

I’m enjoying this a lot, this whole funny feeling in your stomach when he passes you by or you turn around to see him there or just see him from a distance. Its amazing. I’m not sure I will want to do anything much about it for sometime, apart from the chat conversations once in every 2-3 days.

I love this feeling though. Really love it.