Sometimes things happen in you life again and again, you know the same sequence or sort of events keep occuring! well it’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it.
I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.
The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.
But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.
I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him? I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?
I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.
I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!
And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.
What do I do?