Monthly Archives: September 2009

How do we get ready to get heartbroken again and again..

It’s actually amazing, the patience and tolerance levels we humans have.  Especially in the matters of the heart, we seem to be driven by nothing just love and feelings.

I’ve met people who know that it’s never gonna work out and they will never be able to be with the one they love, yet they hopelessly are drowning in it, holding onto every bit of that experience. I’ve met people who are so totally crazy for someone who they accept the other persons ignorance and negligence also as love.

 

It’s difficult. All of it is. When you want something to be there so much and then the lengths you go to make it true. It’s all very difficult and I haven’t even come to the hurt and pain  part yet.

 

The thing is  that we want to be loved and appreciated and cared for. Is that too much to ask for? Honesty, love, care, acceptance, we search for it everywhere, in everyone we meet. I know I do.

 

Everytime we meet someone who seems like a prospect of being the one in our life (whatever ‘one’ might mean to you, boyfriend, husband, support..) we always make these dreams of what it would be. We start dwelling on how they would accept us and love us the way we are. But that seldom happens, we go out of our ways to impress the other person, make them feel like we are everything that they dreamed of and then when its back to reality it’s not so good.

Also, if there is something you want ot ignore about yourself and don’t accept, then we expect the other person to als ignore it. If they don’t and tell us, then it hurts. It kills.

 

I have been speaking to New Guy and it seems good do far. He calls me names for being fat and chubby, but all in a kidding kinda way and I don’t want to pay much attention to it but it does hurt. I don’t like him to day that I’m fat. I’m not, just a little healthy. 🙂 But seriously I don’t like it when he makes those jokes. And worst part is that I don’t know how to react to it all. I laugh trying to hide the conscious effort in my voice.

 

Apart from all that, now I really don’t want to meet him, just what might happen is scarring me. I’m hoping he will like and vice versa, but then if he makes those jokes on my face then I wouldn’t be able to hide my true expression, i.e feeling bad and low. I hope it goes well, but I’m certainly not meeting him tomorrow.  I can’t, don’t have good clothes and no time to shop anymore.  And one more thing I want to make myself clear on is that whatever might happen, I will not let myself get emotionally attached into all of this and take it just as fun thing. I’ll try atleast.

 

We expect so much and then we don’t find all or something different and get hurt. And then we start over again. All in the hope to find what we want so much and so badly that no amount of falls can make us give up on this hope. 🙂

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Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten

I love this track and have been listening to it over and over again since i downloaded it. I was watching ‘The Hills’ and noticed the soundtrack and traced it to get it. Did I mention I love soundtracks, from movies, series, cartoons.. They carry a certain feeling that you felt when you were listening to it in the background with all emotions that the movie/series had brought you into. Mostly I love the tracks that run in backdrop for of happy endings, lovers meeting and soft slow kisses scenes. So like girls huh! Well, ya! 🙂

Anyways, so my weekend was so much fun and relaxing. It was a good break I needed and the extended monday off gave me just that. Well if you ask me all the details then I don’t think I’m gonna pen everything but here are the highlights:

Friday   –    after office when to my Aunt’s place, it was my cousins birthday party and we had lot of fun. Later at night me and she got chit chatting till the wee hours and slept only when we couldn’t speak no more.

 

Saturday   –   Stayed at Aunt’s till afternoon and then came back home. Rested a while and chatted with New Guy and then left for office around 4:30pm. Left office at 8:30 pm and back home.

 

Sunday   –  Sunday woke up really late, close to afternoon and then went to GK with cousins and sis, bought cousin her b’day gift and then to the local flee market to pick something for myself for the DATE on monday with New Guy and bought something of sis’ choice but wasn’t comfortable it reflected who I am (not very sure of what that is either). She called it decent and flirty and I got nervous. Came back home and oiled my hair, put face bleach, tried the clothes and ate sis’ head over which shoes to wear. She said high heels but I was no-no and then later after much talk I tried them with the flirty top and they looked good. although I was nervous that I’ll look all gawky and weird walking in them which is funny coz I do wear heels on occasions (clubbing and marriages). Btw the CAPS coz i haven’t been on a date in like 4-5 years now. God! I know!

 

Monday   –   I got up late and started getting ready for the date. Washed my hair and to0k a long bath. Came out of shower and saw New Guys message that said ‘urgent! Call me’. I did call and got to know his friend’s mom had passed away and they were going to drop him at airport and all so it was but obvious cancelled date. I mean even if w could meet it would be the worst ever time right with thought of life and death hovering our mind space he wouldn’t even notice my flirty top. Anyways, I was feeling like I was giving this New Guy thing a lot more importance than actually I should, considering that I wasn’t even sure if I would like to date him after meeting him or just be friends and all the shopping made me feel bit weird and stupid. So I felt a little relived that it was cancelled. My nerves were too tensed to be casual and meet him. I relaxed the entire day and chilled at home. Even sis stayed back (lazy bum) even though it wasn’t her off.

 

Last night I spoke to New Guy for almost 2 hours and inspite of my resolution to hit the bed by 10pm, I was talking to him till 11:20pm. I did text him to call be before 10pm saying I had a super early day (true) and he called at 9:45 pm. He was feeling a little low and I got him talking and we chatted over stupid and silly stuff and some other stuff.

 

When I speak to him I loose track of time, really, we talk about so much and still there’s so much more to say. Now I’m not sure if this is happening because I’m speaking to someone totally new who knows  nothing about me, or because we bond well together. Well, see if I didn’t connect to him then I wouldn’t be able to talk much anyways right, but also I’ve been so stuck up with the same people for so long that talking so much feels new and exciting. I hope I’m not making much of this to my head and heart (well can’t help that, I’m charlotte remember? Imagination runs wild). So much so, I’m leaving things to when we meet and how I find him, coz do I have my head on my shoulders and know that it’s altogether a different thing to meet someone than talking on the phone.

 

Now, that’s another concern, see I like talking to him and everything but then just yesterday this thing came to my head that things will change after we meet. I don’t know for better or worse, but they certainly will. Now you might think that I’m an ass who hasn’t understood the way life works, it’s all about CHANGE. I know, but maybe this is my lowered confidence (mostly due to chubby body and no money to buy fancy clothes with perfect fit) but I’m a little worried/concerned/doubtful of how this nice equation I have with New Guy will change when I meet him. I’m so comfortable talking to him right now, but somehow these well settled people with their parents earnings and no burden of running the family and their won handsome salaries to spend on themselves, all this makes me feel like an outsider. I feel like I’ll be left behind if I walk with them and even worst will be making them feel ashamed to have me around. Maybe its only my insecurities talking. I hope. But then there’s nothing I can do to stop this change. 

We’ve planned on meeting on Friday and most probably I will be in my other office (in attempt to try avoiding giving the birthday treat to office people, coz I can’t afford spending 1-2 G on these useless people who don’t even know me at all and neither do I want them to. So maybe i’ll meet him after work as his office is also close by and that made me nervous and panick again coz then I’d have to dress for office and meeting New Guy at the same time. Now that’s not good, as it is I have less decent stuff and also the new flirty top won’t be useable as that is a complete office no -no. Let’s see how it goes.

I’m thinking much about this all right? Yeah! but then I think much about anything.. so .. it’s not much right?

Trying to keep up with everything and myself… you stay around too and I’ll tell ya everything… meanwhile this is just the beginning and the rest is still unwritten. Perfect match for my situation!   🙂

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Some nervous & confused thoughts..

We seem to know everything about relationships when you’re not in one, and the moment you get involved all your senses and wisdom seems too got out of the window. Why am talking all this? I don’t know. 

I was up speaking to the ‘New Guy’ till 2 am yesterday and we talked generally, nothing romantic at all. I don’t know if he’s into me or not or if I am either?  I think this question would be valid only once we meet. But still I’m curious if he would like me. We’ve seen each others pics and he hasn’t said anything nice about me so far, just commented on fb on few pics that were from last year when I had lost lot of weight (which btw is back on me and made me suspicious so just went for Thyroid test today morning, hope its positive and I can take meds and get slim 😦 ). So, coming back to me and New Guy, we talk about lot of stuff and mostly agree on much. One thing I like is that he has his point of view and not dumb.

He also asked about my sis’ pics that were on my profile and left a ‘Hi’ to her. My sis is very pretty, a little chubby these days but still very a beauty. I always feel if some guy meets both us he would prefer her always her, she the pretty and fun and social one, but with me people start liking me only once they get to know me little by little. I’m a little insecure of that fact, well lets say that it would be little hurting if he wanted to go out with my sis after meeting us,  but then I shouldn’t keep any hopes for him wanting to be with me either. Now it sounds like I’m having a serious confidence crisis but I am not. I still feel very good about myself and know I am a terrific person to be around,  but all these things I am thinking are just hovering around the idea if the New Guy is a real good guy, I don’t want to say it like this but its the truth ‘if he’s a good catch’ then its what these ideas are based on.

See, it’s just the thought of a relationship and I’m all zapped. 🙂

There’s one more thing on my mind, he was insisting we meet coming weekend and I didn’t say a full yes. Why? I’m  feeling a little conscious of myself, my looks are fine, but my body (chubby now) and short hair (which now I wish would grow length of 4-5 inches longer within a day) which make my face even more round (why did I cut my long hair again, oh yes, severed damage was done by using clothes iron on my hair for pressing). Also, I’m not very confident on my clothes. Although I have a good dressing sense I don’t shop much, mainly because of money problems, I don’t feel good spending much on myself when my family could use that money and most of the stuff I like is branded and expensive, so I kill the need of having good clothes and pretend I’m OK with what I have. Now, if I went out and bought something good to wear for when I meet him, then that would again feel very silly and desperate to be liked. I want to feel liked however I am, but even I don’t like myself an  how I am dressing.

Whoa! See the insecurities and knotted feelings surfacing ? One thing is for sure, if I don’t like myself then no one else will either.

Well, maybe he would turn out to be a jerk himself. Hahaha, see now I’m trying to convince myself that New Guy would be more worthless than what I feel right now, to make myself feel better. Does it help? Yes, a bit.

Not too sure if I will meet him this weekend or not, but lets see.

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Finally I’m out of the old closet..

of old relationships and hanging on to what had happened. I knew this was long overdue and with more and more stagnant thought and memories I was like sitting in a car with no tyres and wishing to reach a destination – a happy place.

I guess its ok if sometimes your ex-relationship thoughts cross your mind right? I mean we are humans with emotions and a heart. If we have had someone in our life and shared some moments with them, then they will be part of your memory. But not moving on with life is something else.

I am totally over my last relationship, but the breaking of it left me exhausted, of emotions, enthusiasm, hopes and even trying to keep a relationship. I ran away at the mention of it. I kept myself busy with work and other activities and my family will always be my priority, so it all worked out. But then this isn’t normal, not seeing anyone on purpose, not that I had guys lined up outside my door, but yes I haven’t actually been there ready either.

So finally on last saturday afternoon, when my TV wasn’t working and I was getting super bored, I went into one of those Yahoo Chat room that I used to visit when in school. I think this was more like a destined act, seems like GOd wanted to tell me move along before I get too behind the times. 🙂 So, I kept getting many ‘hi’, ‘asl plz?’ and ‘want some hot chat’ invites and I kept ignoring them and adding to my ignore list. One guy actually sent me the first message asking how would I feel if he did stuff to my tits until the were hard. Now seriously he didn’t want friends!  Anyways so after responding to few hi’s and realizing they were desperate people begging for hot chat, I responded to another simple ‘hi’. He typed respectfully without using words like ‘hot’and ‘tits’ and so we got chatting. We sat around for an hour n half or 2 and then we exchanged numbers. Honestly, at one point when he was crossing the first and basic guard of my privacy by asking me where I lived and worked, I panicked for a moment and thought of lying about it all and never appearing on this chat again, but then I thought why should I be so scared? I felt I much needed to take my chances, so I gathered my guts and told the truth. We spoke for few minutes on phone after that. I’ll admit I did look at his pic before exchanging my number. He’s average looking, someway familiar to an old school time girl friend of mine. 🙂

We spoke for 15-20 min yesterday and I’m trying not to think much about it all. One things for sure though, I’m back in the game.

I don’t know if this has anything to do with above events, but suddenly I’m feeling the need to get back in shape and take care of myself. 🙂 Planning on starting yoga and walking from today. Also already started skin care since saturday. Although it seems hollow to be taking yourself seriously for other person, but I know the truth is I had started lacking the enthusiasm of making myself feel good. I’m back on track now.

 

Cheers!

PS: Will meet him this weekend hopefully!;)

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