Monthly Archives: November 2010

I’m still looking and waiting..

After almost 3 hours of watching Sex and the City episodes from various seasons on youtube, it’s only fair to get reflective on one’s love and relationship status..right?

 

I’m still looking for YOU. Thinking of you just makes my face light up and smile never leaves, you adoring me, you loving me, you and me so real, comfortable, together!!

I’m still looking for YOU! Every new guy I meet, who is single and decent, I hope it’s you. I converse attentively waiting for that one thing that he would speak and I would recognize it’s you. I think of ways of how we would meet, just someplace, somewhere and we would instantly get along, or maybe realize it later.

 

How can I stop looking ? Why should I stop looking? Are you waiting to come when I’m not looking?

 

Are you afraid that I would judge you? I promise I won’t…not much…just a little though, just to know you better.

 

I won’t be sad if you don’t like reading, it wouldn’t matter if you don’t have great dance moves, it’s ok if you have some flaws, I will not look for perfection in you, you’d be perfect for me anyways, I will fight and argue with you coz only you’d know how to calm me down, I’ll think of you when we’re apart, I’ll try to take our difference in opinions sportingly, I’d love you for having an opinion of your own,  I’d admire you secretly many times and just smile at you and say ‘nothing’ when you ask ‘what is it?’ and so much more…

 

It’s all  here ..waiting for you to arrive..

 

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Somethings…A saved draft.

I’ve been happy, not ready for change and consoling myself, excited and little scared..yeah…that’s it..

Happy – somehow I’ve been feeling happy n content lately. I’m not restless all the time like earlier. I don’t even feel useless and wasting my life or overburdened with responsibility. Also I’m pretty sure that things are soon going to work out my way. There may be a couple of things that have lead to this (and no boy reason at all) and I’m happy to be happy.

Not ready for change – this is something about work. I will have to move from my clients offc to my co.’s office. They don’t have food n cab there and I’m not ok with the effort that would go there.. its because work is enough work right, atleast they can make sure that people dun have to worry more on other things..like food n how to get to ofc. I know I’ll  manage but still ..hmmph!

Excited – over my dance classes. We’re having a show in Jan and d first class was today. Our theme is Moulin Rouge and dance track is amazing n d choreography too..I will surely post the video soon.

Scared – can’t remember why I had mentioned it.

————————–That was the draft I saved some days back and could not finish it coz my sister was standing behind me waiting to use the pc, I just can’t write if someone is reading as I write and also I keep this space away from people who know me. I don’t want any judgements please…

 

Coming to today..

The last week was so hectic and so crazzy. A fren of mine ‘T’ was getting married and there were these events to attend, his sister was getting married a few days before him, so double the events. I went to attend his sisters wedding, I wore a black sleeveless kurta and chridaar, not much fancy or anything, my arms were starting and never ending in all the pics. God I looked fat! Like swollen or something! I hated the pics..so not posting them.  Thank god I’ve started GYM (yet again) and seriously I just don’t know why I leave it at all?? ..

 

Then was the cocktail party one day before my fren T’s wedding. That was some fun! When we were leaving from home I was in really pissed off mood, dun knw why, I didn’t even feel like dressing up or anything, but once we reached there and some alcohol went down I was all happy. There were about 30 odd people invited and it was the first time I was attending this sort of party. Not knowing many people and talking to everyone and stuff. The end of the party was hilarious when guys started totally crazzy dance. I even shot a video of it, its not posted on youtube yet so no link.

Then cam T’s wedding day. It was Monday night and thankfully we had someone to drive with. It’s such a pain not owning a car, you’re so dependent and also you feel like ‘he/she won’t die if they pick/drop me home’ and ‘what if its a little out of way, you only have to sit and drive, not walk and carry me in your arms or on your back’…aaaggrr.. If only we had 10k more every month  we would definitely take car loan and a CAR!! hmmppp! His wedding event was so far away and there was such traffic jam, but we started singing songs and playing games, so time went well. It was really cold and I was wearing a light saree, so I was almost shivering all the time. It even rained on and off and since the place was open, more cold. T looked great, a very handsome groom, the bride was also fine, caked makeup and good lehnga. Frankly, I thought he could get someone better, but I guess arranged marriages are compromising on everything.  It was strange to see him get married. I can’t say for sure that I was happy for him, though I kept saying it to others around me. I didn’t feel happy for sure. I kept thinking about how he’s gonna be a different person after marriage and how restricting our friendship  would become. It all felt so weird!

 

Talking of T, I met him through sis and her friend K. K and T are school buddies. The first time I met him, he seemed cute we went clubbing and I taught him how to move around even if you can’t dance. It was fun. A few days later sis told me that T told K that I was double sized than my sis. I was so pissed at this. Well yes I was little healthy, but still that’s not the way to put things and I was so sweet to him. I swore on not meeting him again and whenever there were plans and I knew he was coming then I would cancel. After I think a year or so I met T again., he was confused at why I was pissed and I told him what K has told sis, he said he had told it in a completely different way saying that he like girls who had some flesh on them and I was like that.  Finally the misunderstanding was over and we got talking again. We even went out with sis and K for clubbing and stuff.  Not much but sometimes we used to talk on phone and usually I got along well with him, although honestly he does come from little backward family and it reflects in him too much. Then we also went on a river rafting trip with T and his fren. It was much fun. So that’s the kina fren he and me are.

 

Btw on his cocktail party thing, I played a prank on him, I told him that I used to like him but since he never paid any attention so I never said anything. He went red for a second and then laughed about it. I was not happy how the prank was going so I took it ahead, I told him that it’s good he’s not yet married and maybe he can have an extra marital affair too. He would just laugh at it all. K and sis knew about the prank too. So they were looking from a distance while I tool T alone in a corner and was telling him all this. The prank didn’t play along well and all that I could get from him was to give me broad smiles whenever we had eye contact and were in a group. You know the kinna smile you share when you both know a secret. hahaha..that was fun… At the end of evening we told him it was a prank and he was embarrassed..even though he hadn’t responded much. FUn!!

 

I haven’t spoken to him since his wedding and now I’m thinking whether I should call him or not!!! hmmm….dun knw..

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Owning my Style!

I’ve never quite had a style sense that I could call personal. It’s always been a mix of whatever I can afford and is decent. But come to think of it your style does talk a whole lot about you.

My choice of clothes rarely reflect the person I am. In-fact, mostly they suppress me and present someone whom I recognize after looking twice at. It’s not that I’m shabby or have no choice, but yes honestly I’ve never put much effort or importance into my choices. What I usually go by is the general, usual and the appropriate stuff. I hardly experiment or add my touch to anything. For example for office I wear simple good cut shirts and trousers. No accessories and nothing. I buy it and wear it, just like you’d put it up on a dummy, or to say even dummies these days are more styled up! 🙂 You get the point right!

Few weeks back I asked my jazz instructor, whom I’m so jealous of but greatly admire also because of her great body and amazing style (dance and clothes), for some feedback. I was expecting she would say something about technique, point your toes, work from your stomach, extend and strech more, but what she told me was

“experiment with your attire, wear what you think a professional dancer wears, try things, bring your attitude and state of mind into everything even clothes, it will help you feel like a dancer and make you own yourself and your dance.”

I was like ‘what?’ and for a second the jealous part me in me said ‘she thinks I don’t know what to wear’, but as her words sinked in, I realized it wasn’t about the clothes, its about me, how I own everything around me, how I present me, coz if you can’t see the person I am by looking at me then I’m definitely hiding that great person unknowingly and its my part to show the real me.

I did take her advice and slowly started to experiment in my dance gear. I usually wore baggy tracks and a tee, usually black so the sweat circles don’t show.

The first week I held onto black but added a full sleeve, short upto my empire line shrug and after the warm up session I took it off and tied it around my waist.

The next class instead of the usual black tee I wore a more stylish tee that was light and little lose, with full sleeves that extended until half my palm and had a hole for my thumb to come out too.

And then yesterday’s class I took some color with me, I wore a peach sleeveless tank top with ruffles in the center and over it a navy blue top in wrap around style but is all open from the front and the wrap closed at the wend of top around my waist. So the peach tank was visible on the open area of wrap top and after it ended coz the tank was longer in length, so it looked like a colored border. I was amazed at how different and fresh and not-boring I looked. I was little hesitant in my mind thinking  if its too much, but got over it quickly and enjoyed my dance class with much style and fun.

It made me feel so different and so good. I was my own you know.

So now the plan is….

And now since I’ve got a taste of how style brings you more close and comfortable with yourself, I’m going to OWN MY STYLE! and build it too. A little experimenting is on the way and I would more effort to what I wear too. I’ve read a lot of fashion magazines, thanks to my fashion designer sis, and now when I read new ones I feel I already know the basic do’s and don’ts, styles and colors, but now I’m going to apply them to my wardrobe.
This also means a change in the way I shop. Its certainly going to be more time taking as now the requirement has changed from basic and nice to something that says me and good too.

I’m really excited about this..did u see how I posted my pic up there… And also a new tag in my cloud..Style!

Until later..Cheers!!

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Friendship-important or not?

Do I expect too much if I want my friends to be at the same page that I ma, whether it be about excited about meeting each other or sharing something or anything else.. somehow I have found myself to be feeling less wanted r not so important and going by the no. of times I feel this way..i’m starting to think if maybe I’m doing something wrong?

 

A friend of mine came back from London after about 2 years and in this while whenever we chatted / spoke we talked about how good it will be see him back and catch up. Now when he is here he made no effort to meet, this being the weekend I called him to know his plans and he was not very sure of when he will be free. Now I totally get it when you have work to do, but then when you’re outwardly showing no interest in even planning to make time.then hello!! He’s not a very near and dear friend and I know I don’t mean much to him, but still it felt bad that I was excited about it and he was lame about it.

 

I don’t know why but more I find myself in such situations too often.

 

Just 2 months back, another college friend came back from Australia after 3 years, he would usually call from there and would say he missed me and how we would have fun when he would come back. This was also not a close to heart friendship but yes much of our college time was spent together and he did share his thoughts with me often. When he came I called him every weekend for about 5-6 weekends and asked if he wanted to meet, everytime he said he was going somewhere or didn’t have vehicle or something or the other. I even offered to meet him at a central place that would be half way for both, but he seemed to be thinking of how he would travel back home drunk. Ya I know??? I told him politely that meeting friends didn’t mean getting drunk only, we could meet over lunch and talk, but he never said yes. And then he left without meeting me. He called me a day before he left and was all drunk and said he was sorry and that he really cares for me and stuff. Ya right? I felt stupid. Not that I was waiting up for him, but still, I listened to all his crap and stupid stuff the way you do for friends, I gave him advice over his troubled issues that he shared, I listened to all his weird stories even when I felt awkward. And now after months he calls me and tells me he’s sorry and that I should go to meet him in Australia and that he would sponsor me. I mean, what’s is wrong here? Do I seem like the doormat that is readily available all the time? And honestly when you don’t care a damn then why pretend? I wouldn’t have died if he simply had told me that he had many other priorities and I’m not so important. Its better that way.

 

Another example is my friend ‘A’. He somehow makes me feel I ask too much if I even ask him to meet me. He thinks going out of the way is not for friends. If you happen to be on the way to where I’m headed its fine, else its ok. What is wrong with making some effort for friends? He makes me feel as though I’m exploiting him. Do friends who care for you have no value, no worth? He has actually gone from being a loving friend to making me feel like crap. Every other thing he has to do, whether it be lazing around, watching tv, watching movie with office colleagues, anything is more important than me.

 

These are just couple of things and its happened so many times, but seriously I think that I take friendship way more seriously than I ought to. I’m not saying friendship needs to be a burden that is hard to maintain, but why is it not important to you? I am your friend, I care about you, I enjoy time with you, we share so much then how come you declare me not worth?

 

Maybe I don’t know what friendship is all about.

 

Is it a side help kina relation that you keep on the shelf only to pick up and give it time in your free time or when you’re bored?

Does friendship only mean standing by someone, while they ignore your feelings?

Does your priorities in life never include having good friendships?

What exactly are we talking about?

Everytime you have a personal life do you forget about the person who listened to your troubles over and over again, who consoled you, who emotionally supported you, who held your hand?

Aren’t friends part of your life?

 

I feel so stupid and angry when I reach ahead and find myself alone at that point. It’s not that I don’t get people having a life apart from friends, but how are friends less important is what I don’t get.

Yes, if you’re dealing with a problem and cannot make time I understand, I will be there for you, but how does not making any effort for friends become good friendship.

 

The funny thing is it all affects me. I feel so isolated and thrown away.

 

Is there some universal law of friendship that I haven’t learnt about? What are friendships all about?

 

 

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The past few days..

The last thing I mentioned about what was happening in my life seem to be about  my angry thoughts about the argument I would have with the landlady and how I had got myself to talk to the Cute-guy even though I totally knew he wasn’t my type. Nothing important or interesting huh..

 

Well here’s what’s been happening lately..

I’ll start with last weekend coz I really don’t remember anything significant before that, like totally blnked.

On Friday evening I got a message from ‘N’ my college friend. He was in New York for couple of months and had returned to Delhi. He asked to catch up over the weekend and I was happy to have some plan and also happy about meeting him.

Friday was Diwali and I made a beautiful rangoli (it’s a temporary floor decoration made with powdered color). I also dressed up in authentic wear and we all burst some crackers, had special dinner that sis had prepared (god! cannot imagine myself doing such things) and then mom had to make us crazy by keeping us up till 3am for the pooja, which we had to literally pushed her to start it coz if we hadn’t stopped her she would have gone on and on with the preparations for another 4 hours .

The next day we were so dead tired that we slept till noon and then woke up lazy and tired again. I asked ‘N’ f he wanted to catch up and he was busy so he said Sunday would be good. I was fine with that coz I myself had dance class in evening and I really don’t like to have  back to back plans on single day, especially if friends are involved, I feel restricted and not comfortable and too distracted and also guilty for not being wholely there and thinking of the next place to go. So majorly it was a relief!

I also gave myself a small makeover but cutting some fringes myself. I went for my jazz dance class and thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved it you know. Looking at yourself in the mirror dancing, learning something new, feeling like a dancer, being the you that you never seem to be but always wanted to, giving it your best even after you’re drained, killing it for the last time, knowing you are good at it and ita ll about you. I love it!

 

Sunday was good, lazy,  sleepy until evening when I asked ‘N’ what time we’re meeting and where. We decided on meeting at 5 and then I left from home at 5:15, reaching there 30 min late. I really need to stop this sudden sprout of laziness that sets in just when I have to prepare for something and then when its about time I start moving around. It feels stupid.

 

Anyways, so meeting N was good. As we met the first thing he said was that he had put on weight and I said I had too, but he said (with not a hint of pretense) that I didn’t seem to have, instead I looked smarter/ Yay!! Also he didn’t complain about me being late. Yay! I was in good spirit already and thank god nothing spoiled it!

 

N is always so sweet and nice, and even though he isn’t like a saint coz he is a guy, but some politeness and nice thing in him makes him so genuine. I mean even when he was saying that he was with a girl only for fun, even then it didn’t sound dirty or cheap, it was honest and not filthy. Anyhow, so we went to this nice place Ignis and talked a lot, mostly about his recent ex-relationship and how it was so messy and how he had been when he was in it. But it wasn’t boring. I liked that he was sharing with me and then since I had nothing much to tell him so I may have bored him. We talked a lot and then towards the end we did not have much left to say. N is moving to Delhi end of this month and that is going to be super cool. Ok, maybe not so much but still I’m excited, atleast once in a while (how much ever that is) we will meet and hang out. I’m happy about it and he was too. We made some not to sure plans on how we’ll go clubbing and all, obviously I’m trying to learn to not build high hopes and get excited quickly when other people’s decision is involved. Still trying, you can see my excitement level already!

When I was with N, some thoughts over whether we both can be together, like a couple you know, were coming to me and I was pushing them away. I’m guessing these thoughts came from the fact  that the last time I met N and how I thought he maybe interested in me. Anyways I didn’t give it much heed.

Also I smoked after a long time and drank too. It feels good when you have company. But I realized that I can’t take the smoke in, I started to cough, its a good realization. 🙂

N dropped me home and then chatted with mum n sis till late.

Monday was usual week start day only with my new look, which sis said somehow made my scalp more visible. I seem to be having major hairfall and can’t imagine why, I’m not on diet, I’m eating like a pig, I’m not using hair press, sprays, nothing.. Stress maybe!  It’s getting worse I tell you. No one at office noticed or mentioned the changed look until after lunch, a friend asked if i had got it cut. No comments after that.

 

Tuesday morning I woke up with the bad stomach ache and took day off.

 

Wednesday reached office and learned that my kind of lead is spreading rumor that I took off to go on interview. I tried to clear it with him but he involved his senior into it too and she heard me out and took my side.

 

Today I woke up a dream where I saw me and N were together. all coz of the stupid thoughts, but it made me smile when I woke up and thorugh the day whenever I remembered it . Office was all ok, lot of breaks and almost no work. I also found way to access WordPress from office network, but somehow could not write there, wasn’t comfortable. Some other girl commented that my hair has seemed to thin a lot since I got the fringes. Actually my hair has been falling and then it was kina oily-need-a-wash state today, but I did not wash it because of the superstitiou that I believe that ‘washing hair on Thursday makes losing money’. So my scalp was quite visible at places and my confidence was sinking each time I saw the mirror.

Also have been having some eye irritation lately and had shown to eye doc on Tuesday and she gave drops and gel and advised not to wear eye makeup. So also got comments that I looked pale and sick. Not a good day to feel good na!

 

Just to end on a better note.. chatted with ‘S’ on facebook, while typing this post. ‘S’ is the friend from college whom I’ve had the maximum drama with and we’ve not been friends for a long time now. I said the first hi. She seemed in a very talkative mode and she honestly asked me if we can mend things, I said yes we can but we’ll both have to be very mature. I’m not sure of myself at this, but I do miss my best friend. I haven’t made a good gal pal ever since her. But it’s also scary coz we have fought and made up so many times, and now she’s a totally new person. Still I think its worth it. Btw she’s in Canada so no chance of meeting her, but maybe we can try to be friends on chat for sometime, it might do some good.

 

I love the opening violin tune of this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WS938LjwpSk&feature=related

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Did I do anything AT ALL this year??

This is what I’m wondering although I know I did do few things, but still shocked at how I knew but didn’t realize ‘this year is ending soon’.

Thanks to Sarah for reminding me, in an eye-opening kinna way, that it’s that part of the year already !! The part where we look back and see how far did we get in what we started out towards and evaluate, console, feel proud, laugh silly over it all. And then set out to make the new lists..

To start out with…lets recollect what I did this year (will update also at end of year)

January 2010 – I cleared all my debt with my all my yearly bonus.

-swore to start gym.

-participated in bhangra dance in office program.

-read ‘Many Lives, Many masters’ by Dr. Brian Weiss.

-glued to the new guitar.

-realization that my friend ‘A’ has drifted away. Sad!

-attended my friend’s and her twin sister’s wedding, both                                      in one  week  and loved playing kinna-bridesmaid and                                        enjoyed too

-again swore to start gym.

– for the first time was in a minor accident (hopefully                                              last).

– major fight with sis, followed by a beautiful article dedicated to her.

Feb 2010 – swore to start gym, but sis bought new mobile instead

my sis met with a total fake on matrimony site.

– maybe my friend ‘N’ likes me.

little upset with GOD for not sharing his plans for me.

 

March 2010 – sis lost her new mobile & I started gym

-school friend ‘N’ came to stay home for a week

mom n me

‘been single for too long’ list

trying to get healthy habits

‘easier said than done’ list

happy to be single

questioning faith

1 month of gym, 1 kg less, hurt over old fren ‘S’

 

April 2010 – cousin’s horrible wedding

creepy thoughts

New job offer, 1st resignation

Job switch..final

 

May 2010 – flirting with guitar tutor

new office starting and some yoga

 

June 2010 – things I appreciate in people around me

2 new guys to talk about in new office

 

July 2010 – some green, guy asks me out and cancels

 

August & September 2010 – I was absent here!! 😦

 

October 2010 – Back again, jazz again, novels again.

lost in matter of boys.

remembering angry times

limitations I put myself under

 

November 2010 – wrong reasons why I thought I wanted to date

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For the right reasons..

In my past 3-4 years of single life, no matter how much ever I ignore or laugh over the topic of having romantic connections or a boyfriend in my life, there has always been a doubt in my mind about ‘what I want’ and ‘why?’.

If you think of it then its not much different from wanting anything else,  you need to know what exactly you want before you get it right.

Confession:

Ever since my college relationship ended I have been really confused and so negative about the entire ‘relationship stuff’ that I never actually, really, wished to have a relationship for the right reasons, somehow the reasons of why I wanted a guy in my life was always something so material and unreal.

It’s been sheer ignorance, turning my face away and not accepting the fact, the fact that I was  not sure and had mixed feelings, mixed feelings of how things that start well end so badly, hating myself for not seeing it coming, swearing over what a bullshit relationships are and then there was a small soft corner of my heart still in need of the love and care and not ready to admit it, hurt feelings that told me to stay away and maybe try ‘just fun’, confusion over what is actually ‘just fun’. Hell!  It was all mixed up.

So in this all mad confusion and almost doped state of mind I had the brains left to make a decision, although a sloppy one, and that was that I want to date people. See what they are like and then decide if I want ot take it forward. Now if you’ve read my blogs you would know that this situation ‘of dating and then deciding’ never happened. I never got there. But in my mind the logics for if a guy was a prospect or not had horribly gone wrong too. I was thinking stuff like

1. He should be rich..

2. Why is he car pooling, so he dosen’t have a car? no ways..

3. He dosen’t know about good clubs ..so not cool

4. He should have influential friends..plz..

5.  He should be good lukn and honest…sooo rare

6. He should have good dressing sense

7. He shouldn’t be too clingly but respectful and caring…duhh!!

8. He should be romantic with me..but no attachments and emotions. duh again!

9. He shouldn’t be too short or too tall

10. Should not be with other girls..atleast that is what I would know

11. No stupid day dreaming should be there..  I should only think about him when we are going out and have fun and then forget..

12. No late night calls and all day long sms..

and many other things.. no wonder I never met someone to be harassed with all that list.

Phew!! So basically what I wanted to say was that I feel that since I was in it for the wrong reasons, so I didn’t get a correct result either.

I still have to think over the right reasons of why I would want  to be with someone. I think it’ll take some time.. but will surely post it, so I have some help if ever my senses go for a toss again *touchwood*.

Have you ever thought about this? If you know your reasons plz share with me too.

Cheers!!

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