Monthly Archives: November 2011

Turned Down!

Do you know how that feels like?? I know now… It feels like you’re the most blind person in this world who couldn’t see that he was not into you, you feel like you’re the most needy person who goes after people hoping and praying they will like her or atleast pretend to, it feels like you don’t love yourself enough and need someonelse to remind you how wonderful you are. It feels like shit! It feels like your mind can’t concentrate on anything and this one memory of being turned down has imprinted on you and will never leave you and no matter whatever you do to distract yourself, this memory will keep flashing in front of you and breaking your heart into million pieces every time.

 

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

 

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

 

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

 

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

 

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

 

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

 

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

 

He got me thinking.. I am still…

 

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

 

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Happy and Sad

Thanks to The Boss! I’ve been having small talk on chat with him and he’s usually not much responsive, that fact I am avoiding and going ahead with being friendly. Its funny how I’m so comfortable on the chat and talk my heart out, in controlled way, but when he’s infront of me I can hardly say a word.

So another occasion of having him face to face had come. There was a guy leaving our team and we wanted a farewell party for him, he suggested we call The Boss also, coz The Boss had helped him a lot and he wanted to thank him. He’s helpful also..ooohhh. Anyways so because I arrange most of the farewell parties so this was also given to me. Now all the arrangements were made and I was asked him what he wanted to eat, coz he dosen’t eat pizza and all, I asked if fruits and juice would be ok, he said yes, ofcourse this was all on chat.

I dressed well, arranged the lunch and ran around to get things in place and then he came. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, there are only few excuses where you get to admire him openly and I was taking full advantage of it. I was not eating anything and team people starting teasing me as to why I’m not eating anything and someone said ‘Are you dieting?’ and other said ‘How do you control yourself?’, I was blushing and going red in the face and looking down and then I politely replied ‘I don’t like pizzas’ and then looked at The Boss, he was enjoying the jokes too and smiling and looking down. So cute. I could have stared away forever. God I am so infatuated with him. 🙂 Anyways so he wasn’t talking much, except about his athlete stuff and all and then people started performing jokes and all, it was much funny. He was laughing and all. I loved to see him enjoy. I only exchanged 1 sentence directly with him. Only 1. Where he said that some team of his made him race go carting with them and he won, I said ‘it could be been intentional you know’ and he looked at me and said ‘ yes it could be intentional’.

He left after sometime and then later the team sat for few more minutes and talked and then we came back to our seats. I hadn’t had lunch so I went for lunch and saw that he was there too, eating lunch.  I think he smiled.

Afterwards the team sent few mails about how the appreciated my efforts and the party was good, keeping The Boss in loop.

 

Later in the evening I was waiting for him to be alone in his cabin, I crossed it a few times and looked, so I could chat with him. When I saw he was free I said hi and then we chatted a little, this time he was a little more responsive and not just yes or no, then after 8-9 messages he was back to yes /no. I asked if he didn’t speak much and only in mono syllabus and he said yes. I asked him if any one had commented on his glasses, he wears quite big framed bold rim glasses and   he said no and he assumed it looks funny, I told him he looks really good in them and he said sure, like sarcastically and i said i’m not kidding they do look good on u, he said thanks and then I asked if he belongs to this city he said yes and then I asked if he lives with family, then no response, after 15 minutes I said im guessing no, no response again, and few minutes after he says have a good weekend, that means bye end of our conversation. I said bye and take care and thought he would be leaving soon too. Then I had to get up from my desk and get some prints and get ready to go, when I came back I saw someone sitting in his cabin, I didn’t directly cross his cabin but there is a meeting room in front of his cabin , i went into the meeting room and bent down to see who was sitting with him, OMG, there was a girl there, the one my friend had told me about, who often stays back after work and chats with him a lot. My heart broke into pieces. It was so sad. I was so happy that we had started talking and I gave him a compliment and all and now he said bye to me and is spending time with this girl. She’s not even pretty you know, only stick thin and flat.

Why would he do that to me?

 

Okay they may be friends but still when another girl is showing interest in you, you don’t say bye to her and talk to your other female friend.

I think he dosen’t like me at all. 😦

This is not good. I have to find someone else to focus my thoughts to, I can’t be so dependent on him to make me happy or sad, after all what do I know about him, nothing!

 

So after office me and N had to go for movie and dinner. That was fun and we went and talked a lot. N keeps saying these things that seem like hints that he likes me or would like to like me or something, but I’m not comfortable with that idea, I mean of course physical stuff is a tempting thought, but with N, he knows me too much and I don’t think it will ever happen or I want it to ever happen for real. But in the moment of things you know, sometimes these images do come in your hea. Like he mentioned if I would like to his room, I said yes, because its been a long time since I saw a bachelor pad and then it was N’s place and he keeps explaining it, so it would be nice to see it, but then he said its too untidy and messy today, so maybe some other day and at that moment this image of him and me  in his room and me looking around and he comes behind me and I turn to see him too close to me and we kiss, god this image came to me, I shook it off, maybe that was the effect of the romantic movies I see so much. And then when we were in the car and he was driving and I handed him something and I touched his palms for a fraction of second, I did feel that jitter in my body, you know, not the friendly one, it was like jitter that goes up your body. Anyways I ignored it and kept looking into the phone.

I cam home with mixed thoughts in my head and those reasons I dreamt of him and me and I kept shaking it off and kept trying to keep The Boss and dream of him instead.

Tuff dreaming too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Funny feelings

Things are getting really funny now. Funny in the smiley & gigly way and not actually comic way.

I had stupidly shown my likeness for The Boss openely in front of the team, but obviously that was in the initial days, just fun stuff. I never knew that this will grow on me so much that it actually makes me blush when everyone now teases me with his name.

We had a team meeting today with The Boss and I wanted to look good, so I dressed into this new top, white and flary and it made me look good and everyone was teasing me that I was dressed well coz we had the meeting and I told them that I’m over him but they went on and on about it.

 

The meeting was just after lunch and I kept getting so impatient when everyone was eating so slow, obviously I had to do a touch up before I met him and then they started teasing that I was running to see him.

Now Im getting little worried that I want this noise to die out before it reaches The Boss. It would be so embarassing if he heard that I have been openly airing my liking for him to everyone, he would think of me as what, idiot or a silly girl. Oh no! But how do I get this teasing stopped? Its getting me nervous.

Apart from that I’m really enjoying this phase rite now. Listing to romantic songs and thinking of him and catching glimpses of him and blushing. This is all way too much fun to end. Seriously I would love to feel this excited for a long time. Maybe as long as I’m here at this client site i.e as long as I am around The Boss.

However it would be great to get some response from him too, maybe he has noticed me and like something too. Well i’m sure he knows who I am, coz I did put my foot in my mouth and start communication on the office chat and he responded but quite limited. But he did respond and that too when I asked some less office stuff. I was in such jitters when i typed and waited for his response. I was like ‘Oh shit! what did I do!’ over and over again. But it was so thrilling, total adreline rush I tell you.  Then again I did the same towards the end of the day, but after the weekend and my one day off since last chat conversation, a simple hi and how are you, both were well responded and then I asked how was the weekend and then there was silence. I kept waiting and nothing. And then I saw him leave office.  It made me sad and I felt like an idiot. ofcourse I’m excited but to him this must be all new and so unfamiliar, some girl in his team chating him up and being so friendly. Maybe it would have made him doubt his authority in office too, you know that am I linent that people just come and tell me whatever they want. I got over it completely giving him the benefit of doubt and suddeness of all this. I came into office today all dressed well and opened my system to find his response there, he had answered but due to some system delay I wasn’t able to see the resonse then. oh my god! he did respond. i was so exited. I have been looking at that chat conversation day all day, from time to time i.e.making sure no one around me sees it. He did reply! he didn’t ignore me! I love him! okay that was out of nowhere. I love him for not ignoring me.

 

Even though I am enjoying being the crazy silly girl drooling over The Boss, yet I think what I would do to make him realize how much I like him. Btw how much do I like him? I really don’t know, coz I can’t seem to see beyond this funny and exciting feeling.

I am a go all the way person you know. I had the idea to leave hims me gift in his cabin, since he comes little late. I got this idea from ‘Mahi Way’ ofcourse, not that I am fat as Mahi but yeah as silly as her for sure. I was thinking of leaving a small bicycle shaped eraser, coz cycling is his hobby. Stupid? I know. He’s a 32 yr old man, what is a bicycle shaped eraser to him? Well it sounds so sweet to me. But maybe that would have worked if he didn’t know who was the silly girl who has a crush on him, but I guess  now he would  know.

Once before I started converstaion with him i had thought of getting a new mobile sim and then text him being a stranger and get talking to him and later reveal that who I was, but now that also seems not doable. And it did feel way too stalky and freaky too.

 

I’m enjoying this a lot, this whole funny feeling in your stomach when he passes you by or you turn around to see him there or just see him from a distance. Its amazing. I’m not sure I will want to do anything much about it for sometime, apart from the chat conversations once in every 2-3 days.

I love this feeling though. Really love it.

 

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too early to say anything

I would say its too too early to even mention, but its quite thrilling to me. Getting dressed nicely for work hasn’t been my focus in long time and now it makes me excited, not that I have rediscovered myself o anything but just you know, a little something new, a little more concious and a little smiley I am. 🙂

 

Now what I have got to thinking is, should I look ahead for a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship or just some casual fling?

It seems like I would know what one wants right? nah, not me.. I’m confused. So lets debate here and maybe at end of it I would know what I want.

Relationship –

1.  Quite a lot of efforts, like meeting often, talking on phone, giving time to each other, gifts, traveling to meet and all.

Well I am open to most of it, only thing I sense is that being single for a long time has made me selfish in terms of how I want to spend my time, I keep my priorities at top always and surely in a relationship it would need to make changes in your routine according to other person.

2. Spending Money –

Its a know thing that guys take most of the expenses, but still I don’t like that always, with all that going out I would at some point want to share the expense and that means me shelling out money. Even thinking of it makes me guilty. This is for my family, how can I spend it away for fun sake. Will be difficult to come to terms with.

Also, going out often would mean shopping often, coz he’s kina smart dressed and I wouldn’t want to look not upto the mark.

3. Self worth – this is a  bad one. I would probably be doing so much work to keep my self worth awake with him. Whether it be dieting, looking good, dressing well, whatever. I would feel always that he’s too good, better than me.

4. emotional involvment – raising expectations, hence fights , hence hurt.

 

Fling / Casual –

1. No obligation for time / meeting whenever other wants

We could fix a weekly thing or even cancel it wihtout any guilt or fights.

2. Less going out hence less money spent. however spending on self to keep up looking best would still be required.

3. Self Worth – since it would be casual there might  be doubt that he may go with someone better than me and then without any emotional connect the chances of this may even be more.

4. Nothing emotional – to start with but maybe later feelings may come on one side, probably mine, and then hurt again. also it would feel wrong without any emotional conncection.

The result is:  I can’t decide what I want it to be, I would just go with the flow and see how things go. Also you can’t decide regarding feelings with a debate.  🙂

Still..too early to say anything yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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