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Resolutions 2011!

Like I had promised to this blogspace, you all and are the Resolutions if they have been accomplished

1. Wow I can speak French!   I started learning in April 2011 via Online tutorials and if I got lucky to meet someone to practice speaking it with too. I started Start date – April 2011. It’s the end of the year and I can speak proper entire grammatically correct sentences in French now. Merci beau coup!

2. I got an awesome 20% hike in salary from June 2011 onwards.

3.  I had got my passport in June 2011.

4.  I had got released from my last project in July 2011 and then I got my awaited Onsite project for New York in August 2011. Amazing!!! I was so thrilled ! YAY!! I’ve also been earning a lot of money here and saving almost 40% of it, even after I send 40% home and have 20% to myself, its more than enough for me.

5.  My apartment in New York is amazing. Its exactly what I had dream of. So much like Carrie’s apartment.

6. I’ve learned how to save money. I had been saving 10% of my salary since April 2011 until I moved to New York.  And I saved it all and gave it to mom before coming here.

7.  I learnt how to swim underwater in summers of 2011.

8. I have been a religious follower of Yoga since March 2011. Its become part of my life now, part of me, its just as important as waking up for me. I weighed myself in beginning of June 2011 to be 50 kgs and today I just weighed to be at the same.

9. I have learnt so much Yoga this year. I read books and then took some classes back in India. It really opened my mind to so many new things about our life, body, peace. I just started teaching Yoga here in New York at a centre.

10. I have finished my first novel. It is in review with many publishers and the offers are pouring in. I started writing it in July 2011 and completed it in November 2011.

11. Boys had been plenty this year. I had dated 3 guys back in Delhi, obviously one at a time and they were all nice. 2 indians and 1 firang. It was a good experience and I also parted as friends with them, no ugly endings, coz we were on the same page before starting anything. Here in New York, I have been dating guys, and mentionable is only 1 since, he’s who I’m currently dating. So far so good.

12.  I have learnt so much about nutrition. partly along with Yoga and also because in March 2011 I had developed a liking for cooking. I try and expirement and its usually good.

13. I have been taking good care of myself since April 2011, and I feel and look beautiful ,my skin is glowing and clear, my hair is strong and shiny, my abs and thighs are tight and maintained. I love it!

14.  Mom n sis have taken car and moved to a beautiful house in Delhi with a big lawn. I’ve been sending good money there and they’re putting into the house & car EMI.

15. I did great in jazz at Delhi, got promoted, was able to do 3 pirouettes and then when I came to New York i found this amazing studio near my place. I’ve been learning  there  almost every day and its getting better. I can do a full split now. 🙂 Believe me!

16 . As a person also I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome my fear of people not liking me and how I wanted to please everyone. I feel more confident today and its not only because of the looks, its more because I accept myself and the face that not everyone can like me. I am more relaxed and sorted now.

17. I have been travelling so much around New York. Almost every weekend I make plans with friends here. Its great to see this country. Next month December 2011, is planned for Europe – Italy. With the one i’m dating now. 🙂 wow!!

18. I had also won the Fiction writing contest for a magazine in India in April 2011.

19. I got a tattoo done from Kat Von De Camp in Miami. Its brilliant!!

20. I have also generated a good habit of brushing my teeth before sleep since March 2011. :)))

That was One hell of a Year!! Totally amazing!!!


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I love starting afresh..

I love this feeling, this phase, when you put yourself at the starting point again, when everything behind you just can’t reach you coz you’re stepping into another world altogether, when all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, energy comes alive like you were re-born.


It’s the phase I’m in. And I’m lovin it!!!


I’m not very sure what led me to get here, maybe feeling too low for a while made me bounce back, maybe the summer coming on and making you feel like you can come out of those layers and comfy zone and definitely feeling so sad about avoiding myself and not doing enough for me.


Whatever the reason… it’s here.. this amazing new zeal, energy and plans.


So here are my plans..

1. Health – I can’t stress enough on this one. I am starting yoga tomorrow and my target is to do it everyday for continuous 21 days..coz I heard that’s the no. of days you need to make anything a habit. early morning, before office. 45 min – 1 hour everyday. Some breathing exercise, and some power yoga. Also, next month I begin Swimming. And dance classed 2 days a week are already going on.  I’m leaving gym for now, also I realized that whenever I gym, my intentions are always loose weight, which according to the theory of ‘laws of attraction’ is not good, coz it will only bring me more circumstances to think ‘loose weight’.  I may be giving excuses to myself, but there is also a fact that I can only do much activities in a week and I’m picking the things I enjoy the most. I’m convinced!

2. Work  –I’m going to go easy on myself here. Do things, yes, work hard , yes, but also remind myself that this is just part of whatever I am, it  alone dosen’t define who I am and also its ok to relax and work. I really get over stressed, like I did last 3 weeks and get into the hurricane which is self created. Partly I also need to continuously improve my management skills and that will ease it more for me. Relax, Enjoy, Live while at work, breathe while at work. Its just work! Aim for a good hike that is due in May end. Enjoy!

3.  Money Saving –I’ve been avoiding this for years now and placing hide and no seek. So lets seek it out! Whatever there is to it, there is nothing that I can’t handle! I’ve decided to save some part of my salary and put that into the some tax saving areas. I’ll also save some up for planning trips and other things on my wishlist..on top is the tattoo, which I have my design with me too, but just waiting for money to save.


4. New Year’s Resolutions list –I cheated on it,haven’t decided them yet. I did however put the guidelines of how I should find them. This is my target for this week. I’m already 3 months into the new year, so I’m getting this done this week. Put it out there for the universe to fetch them for me and bring all that I want to me. Infact, I have an idea, I’m gonna write my resolutions like I’ve completed them. Superb!


5. Self Care  – Now I’m not getting any younger right, but I want my skin, hair , everything to get younger and better. I am going to make some changes to my daily routines.  It’s important for me and yet I have neglected it, but now I will learn to take care of myself and give myself all the attention and love that I deserve.


6. Boys and Dating – Well, I have been open to it for a while now, but now I’m gona take it easy, not think so much about the long run and stuff. I just want to meet guys, get to know them, enjoy time and yes if all this goes good then maybe we can move ahead, else we’ll just be friends. This is something very challenging for me, when things or people don’t turn out my way I get bitter and then end things on a very bad note, I will not expect much and will be accepting even if things don’t work. part as Friends. Also, I know guys don’t like strong women who have the guts to approach then first, but what the hell, if I like someone, I will not wait for them to come to me, coz that mostly dosen’t happen and I end up waiting. So I’m gona take the first step and say Hi and not come too strongly either.


P.S: Yesterday I went to this club with friends and we were really all very broke, so we drank in the car and then went to a no cover charge club, which is very good and decent crowd too. Me and this friend took a bet, he had to get a no. of a girl and me a guy.  I got talking to this guy on the bar and he was like I’ll get you a drink, not too interesting little pretending, but then I think he was trying to impress me. But then his friend came over, who was very funny and warm person, you know the type, they meet everyone with a hug, give high fives, very friendly. I love such people. Well I exchanged no. with the 1st guy and told his friend to take my no. from him. Fun night! My friend asked a girl for her number and she said no. So I won the bet! Im getting nothing in return though.


Also, I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at a friends party, they’re group of expats and he was from Slovakia or Poland. Well, I really like him, he was cute and funny. I am hoping to get him online sometime, so I could know what kina guy he is and maybe go out too, if he wants that is.

But hey i’m already taking the first steps yeah!!! bravoo!!

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Suddenly.. I have a social life!!

Hey the ‘so-busy-with-a-social-life-ME’.


So after K came back from London, its seeming to be little bit the way I thought in my mind it should. You know, meeting friends, having things to do, going places and all. Also, N has moved to Delhi last week, so some expectations there too are coming to real, but the thing is ..its all coming together!!!


Just last weekend, I met T and K over lunch, with T’s new wife J. It was brief and quick and after that K,me and sis went for coffee and then I came back home and went for dance class, where I was so disappointed coz my partner got changed from younger-than-me-but-really-cute-guy to younger-than-me-but-so-not-interested-in-dancing-with-me-guy. It was horrible!! It killed me to dance with a guy making faces and just before we start, throwing his hands and saying he doesn’t want to dance. God! I was so pissed off! Then Sunday I went with Arif and sis to watch movie, but landed up with Lunch and coffee thing, then went to S.N.Market (flea market) and reached back home at night.


I took monday off and then the entire week has been sooo dragy, with some uncomfy changes at work and stuff. Today K called to ask if we wanted to go for this Rock Band performance at Saket and we did. I reached home, washed my hair, went to Saket, had hookah there, then went to Def Col and had sambar at Sagar Ratna(coz I didn’t wana eat). I missed gym today and felt guilty but then didn’t hog outside food either, so balanced out.

N just found me on Facebook and asked if I’m up with going clubbing tomorrow. I said ‘Yes’ but feel overloaded now. I want to sit and relax(like always). I’ve got dance class in evening, then I’ll come backa nd bath and change for clubbing, which will go on till morning and then be back home. Nothing planned for Sunday though, but I’m sure something will be there. Oohh ya..was thinking of meeting the tattoo guy for his thoughts over my tattoo idea.


Earlier I used to feel that a weekend with party and clubbing is well enjoyed, and now, I’m feeling like if I don’t relax over weekend how can it be enjoyed?


K and T are also planning this Udaipur trip over next weekend. I so wanna go out of Delhi.. Take a break..


But the point is that now I do have some plans..should I get a planner for myself already?. will I keep up to the pace of having a social life?


Lets see….

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In a long time..

In a long time I am posting from office today. My work stack is over and done with and nothing else is execpected to come my way for a few more days. Phew!! A relief I tell you.

I’m feeling particulary ‘Hopefull’ today. The way I feel every winter, every once in a while, the way I feel when I know life is going to take the right turn very soon, the way I feel when I believe without facts, the way I feel when I know I am going to get to where I want. Lot of Hopes! and what makes this feeling more warm is the believe and trust it brings within me. Its like I could walk blindfolded knowing exactly where to reach (would never do that in real).

Why the sudden bost of positive? No clue..

I told you winters always makeme hopeful, romantic, up for a challenge, silly, cozy and cuddly.

Taking of romance, there is no sign of it in my life. Even flirting seems to have said goodbye for good. I will forget to smile mysteriously (my pet), if someone is here soon.

I’ve been feeling content for sometime now. I even posted that as my fb status few weeks back and it has remained that way. I don’t feel the sudden pang to rush, do something, feel horrible, call my life hell, feel like useless life passing away. I don’t feel that at all. The ‘Hopeful Me’ has beat up the ‘Feel Pathetic about myself Me’.

I realize that I am doing good at work, which will further take sometime to move me in the direction I want (NY), I’m doing justice to myself by giving time to the things I wanted to do (guitar, jazz), I’m taking care of my family and not sulking about it and I’m seeing that I love them and silently observe them being happy when I’ve done something good for us, I am concerned about my health too, although not continuously working on it, but still I haven’t given in to ‘let it be, we’ll see later’, I do try to take care and yes I do fall out of it also, but then I gather my guts and will and strike back. And this time I’m determined to go all the way, put every bit of my strong will (that i feel so proud of) on the stake and keep going until I’m the person I want to see in the mirror.

Life is good. Slowly and steadily I will learn the other things that I avoid too (taxes, paperwork, savings, money mgmt).

I’ve also come to ease out on myself you know. Understood myself and really listen to what I want. Earlier I used to push myself over things and in return I felt being pushed around, not worthy, bad. Past few weeks I’ve really started listening to myself, that voice in me that whispers the most true words. I’m going easy on myself and I deserve to take care of myself. IF I can’t treat myself well then how will anyone else?

It wasn’t so much of a consious decision, but just something that happened and brought me peace. I’m accepting the things I can’t do and not blaming or cursing myself over it. I’m being who I am and trying to learn more about me. Again its not so much of consious things that I sitt down and do, but as I’m writing it down, I’m realizing that I am doing this and its only because it feels good and calm that I continue to reach out to inner me and accept it.

I do sometimes start panicking and feel how I should suddenly start doing everything right now, everything that I can, everything I can’t and make excuses for, and then I tell myself to relax. It works! My mind has accepted the fact that I function better when calm and eased nerves.

See that’s why I love to makes me aware of things happening in my life and it makes me realize. My words make my life sink into me.


Talking about words, I’m thinkig about my book. I am not at all working on it. I have about 2500 words there saved on my pc, but somehow I’m not able to go further. I’m not very clear on it and I don’t want to do build anything that I am not convinced about. Evertime I think of taking it ahead my consistent thought is ‘Writer about something you k now’ and I’m not sure what I know. I’m still thinking about it, something that even though is fiction, is something that I KNOW. It may drive the plot, the story, the characters, into a totally new direction. I have to find ‘What I Know’. And I know that in the right moment I will realize it, just like that, when I’m not even focusing on it, it will come out of my soul and touch m. And then I would know ‘This is it, this is what I know’. (you see how I’m not pushing myself at all..I’m behaving with myself  🙂 )

This concept of ‘things will come to you at the right moment’ , I read this somewhere in some series of ‘The Secret’ and  I think my mind has accepted it very believingly and I realized it  in very recent time. I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo for ages, I think since college first year, so its been 6-7 years now (OMG..just calculated that) and I haven’t got it yet. Why? you ask. Well, college was all about no money so no question of spending 3-4K on tattoo. When I started working I put this down under my New Year Resolutions list and started looking at what I wanted to get down. I knew the things important to me and what I wanted the tattoo to mean and remind me of, but what image would present all of these things together was what I was not sure of. I wanted a tattoo at which everytime I look it reminds me :

             – Death is part of life – coz I am still not totallly acepted my father’s death. It still feels unfair and painful and hurtful. I want to know that it is something we all are born to go through.

          – Reassurance that ‘this too shall pass’, where ‘this’ is whichever hardship times I am in – I want it to remind myself that life does move on and in the big picture, whichever hardship I’m going through, is not going to last forever, even though it feels like forever in the moment.

         – Humility – coz I feel and have also been told by mom and sis that many times I get too proud and hurt people and sometimes hurt myself too. It always makes me doa nd say things I would never say otherwise. Pride does bring doom and as my mom says, it was the reason behindmy dad’s fall too, one of his weakest characteristics. I want to be humble and down to earth.

          – Hope for new life. I need to feel loads of it! Hope for Love, life, happiness, future, sucess, a beautiful feeling and something to believe.

I searched the World Wide Web for months, I looked at buddhist symbols, creatures (phoenix), chinese symbols, other designs, sanskrit shloks, sanskrit symbols, more designs, but none said to me what I wanted to hear.  (You see how I used to push myself!)

Last month our company did really well in business, and a part of our variable salary comes on quarterly basis driven by company’s performance (that’s the max detail I can handle out of the complicated salary structure), so we all knew that this month we’ll get some good extra bucks. I thought of getting a tattoo with the extra bucks and casually started looking at designs. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I knew whatI wanted the tattoo to be. A BLACK ROSE (with the real feel not tribal) that is not fully open and not a bud, but opening up and blossoming, and over it a colorful and beautiful butterfly. Also a no stems, leaves with the rose, instead a few lines running around it in a music lyrics notes type art , not music notes though. I quickly searched the black roses and butterfly and saved all the images that could help me describe exactly what I want to the artist. Now coming to the artist, I had 2 tattoo artists added to my fb list, one via common friend, and one was the first’s friend. They keep posting their work and pics and I really liked the 2nd ones work.

I met him online yesterday and asked him if getting the tattoo now would afftect it, if I lost weight, coz that I will in be lossing much of it in the coming months. His response was that until I’m planning to be half of what I am it should be ok. I have never met this guy, lets call him ‘Max’ and he said I should meet him so he can advice properly.

Also I am not sure of where to get the tattoo, a very strong opinion in the front of my shoulder, coz there is not much fat there and I wantit to be at a place where I can show it too and not have to hide it, but then again, my arms are not most impressive, so if to show the tattoo I wear something offshoulder or strappy, the arms may take away the beauty of it all. 😦

So that’s the llong story of my finding what tattoo I want. I will Max his or next weekend and then decide. I’m still little unsure on how much it will cost me and that will drive the decision very much.

That’s all for the hopefull and happy me today!!! (phew…tired of writing soo much..but glad I did.)

Enjoy life!!!

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Looking back at the year start

so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport – YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO – none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction – nopes 😦

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. 🙂

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  – NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter – maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.


Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) – NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education – NO 😦

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy


Lot of NO’s here too… 😦


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Just like that..

I don’t have anything in particular.. I mean I do but then this is not about that. This is a ‘just like that’ stuff, you know, general update, nothing intense or serious.


So I wanted some change around, and if you’ve not been a regular then let me tell you, I have changed my blogspace appearance theme. I liked the earlier one all bright and sunshine, but this one is also good, very creative and compact, although a little wider column would help keeping the scroll soo never-ending.

Besides that, I’m at at work and sleepy, slept late yesterday, partially because I was talking to New Guy and rest because I’m lazy at times and always pathetic at time management.  Work is work, a little less relieved though (that’s why I’m here). Apart from that, there’s this funny thing, or just thing that happened, so we have these international conference calls in the evening times and I leave early from work so usually take these calls from home on cell. Yesterday, sis was to meet this internet guy for the first time and she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to join her, so I did and then I totally forgot about the call , actually to be exact  I never remembered it at all. Now today morning my senior(who’s now rolling off to new project) asked me if I was on call. I told her I was not at home and hence could not, she like ‘ attend them seriously as you are working closely on these things’. I’m like ok will. Then I got thinking about how put up this entire thing is, I mean if I loved what I did and if I was worried or interested then I would’ve never forgotten about it. Then it would be me who would be there and take things up. And then I want a promotion, that means more of this thing that I’m not even bothered about. Its nothing new and has happened a couple of times with me so I know how it is, I go home and completely forget about it all. Maybe its all natural, maybe I’m irresponsible, maybe it’s another factor showing how much I’m not into what i’m doing or maybe it’s just something normal that I’m adding as my list of excuses. Not sure! Anyhow all I hope is that this missing out on calls in not being considered for my promotion criteria. Hell I know it is! just hope it isn’t impacting so much. See all I want is more money and less work and that’s what a promotion will get me, then I’ll be up for taking these calls and managing work and time and all as I will not have much work type work to do. I think!


Anyhow, another thing i’ve been spending a lot! Like more than what I do and  more than what I should do. I’ve  swapped that credit card a few times now, over expensive cafes that serve the same coffee only soo expensive it gives you a high that you can actually spend so much ona cup of coffee and also some on cosmetics, thanks to sis, trying to buy the entire store. Imagine she was all for buying a 3 square inch eyeshadow color palate for 800 bucks.. please don’t get a heart attack, it was only India Rupee currency.. but seriously! I also bought this dark green V-neck pullover from Benetton. I like it! yay! its only for 1000 Rs. yay! I have been wanting that for a long time so yay again!  But I need to stop on the spending and crazy as it may sound, all my Facebook horoscopes (and other)read not to overspend, go check for Libra. Confession: Also some of the shopping spree has been intended around the next date with New Guy, as you know I’ve been a complete miser and you can’t be an idiot when you date, I mean you can, but I don’t want to especially when I’m not. So just some basic updates happening. Don’t roll your eyes… its girls stuff ! lol!

Didn’t got o gym yesterday as was with sis and had to meet that guy ‘V’. He was okay, speaking very less and that’s what is scary, when people don’t talk what they thing, its dangerous. I will go from today, pucca(real) promise.


Also recent urge to get back to the tattoo resolution. ‘B’ had got it done on the day we went for frenz engagement and she showed it off and now I’m like dying to get one. What’s the problem? I’m confused as hell again! but seriously, need one before the year ends.

You know what, sometimes  I feel that I get pulled into trying to convince myself that my life is fun and then I do these things that I’m not sure about but they give me some re-assurance at that moment. Don’t know if you got that, but that’s all I’ll say…

*Yawwwnn* back to work type crap…



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Would you know my name, If I saw you in Heaven?

That’s the song I’m listing to right now, ‘If I saw you in heaven’

I’m in office and it all seems such a drag. Its been happening since last 2 days i think. I’ve been feeling sluggish and draggy and I’ve been pulling myself and telling me to wake up and live properly, but see its times like these that make you feel you have no control over yourself and how you feel. I would like to believe that ‘I control myself’ but I don’t believe it. Not right now.

What’s with me? nothing! Actually that’s what’s up with me ‘NOTHING AT ALL’. Everything is going on and on and nothing is happening or maybe I’m not feeling it. I’m missing something so much.  Something, I don’t know what.

Maybe I should join the gym again and this feeling is particularly too strong right now as I’m wearing a top that is started to feel tight and uncomfortable and I can see my stomach bulging when I sit and all this wasn’t there a month n half ago. Hmmph! Just noticed that almost every post about my life does include something about my body am I obsessed, yes I think, too much thinking of how to get perfect. I also agree I don’t like too much of what I see in the mirror. I deserve better, I am better. It matters to me. I don’t want to accept myself with a bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I want to see slim toned legs and arms, flat toned stomach. I should stop, totally got carried away.

Why this lame, nothing feeling comes over?? I just want to tell it to ‘F*** off! coz all it does it makes me feel low and self-pity. This self pity thing does get to me, it makes me feel like I’m a little puppy standing in the middle of a buzzing street, ready to be beneath the wheels anytime and all people are walking around, no one is even noticing me. Its horrible. I go back to times and my mind drags all my pitiable states and I am on the verge of crying. Sometimes even simple things trigger this, like one time my sis went out with few friends and I didn’t go on purpose and she came back flashing a tattoo, something that I had  been wanting for so long and then I started crying. Literally! Everytime I see I don’t get something I have worked hard for/ deserve and someone else gets it, I am crying. I want what should be mine. Once I even cried about why our financial condition was so bad (after dad) and my cousin’s were well off. It bugs me.

‘ Why Not’ by Hillary Duff

I think I’m the compulsively occupied type person, I need to occupied and not think. Sometimes I get so consumed with some idea that I start believing that that’s what I want. Many times I feel like I’m not living enough. There’s this emptiness around me. I need to do something, for myself mostly.  Sometimes, what I should and shouldn’t gets so to my head that I stop thinking on my own. Its like someone laid out a guidebook that you should do this or that, and I feel the need to follow it. Maybe the responsibility of taking ownership is what I fear or am not ready for.

I feel scared and so vulnerable. Its difficult to let loose and be me. There’s a doubt about myself. I feel like anyone can take advantage if I open up and show who I am. Why do I feel so vulnerable? Not sure but I think it all started when we started to live with mom while dad was away.  Mom and we kids were here while dad was on job and would visit every few months. The realtives told you how dangerous this could be if someone knew we were living alone. They might try to take advantage. We live alone still. But now what I see myself doing is keeping closed and shut. Especially around people I find suspicious especially males/workers/drivers/plumbers type people. When someone comes into our house for any repair work, I feel like they should not get to know we have no male member in family. I become so weird. I feel scared. I want them to go away. Don’t come to my house. I hate it!

Now I was hoping some writing would make me feel better but this is all getting to the scary spaces in my head. I better leave now.

‘There you’ll be” from Pearl Harbor.

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