Monthly Archives: July 2011

A new story by be..

I had sent this for a contest..didn’t win..

Something New

read and let me know how you feel about it…

 

cheers!!

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Thing’s I can’t understand in me..

There are some things that I really can’t understand about myself.
These things  that I do, say, they are beyond the logics on which I live, they are just there.
I can hear a voice screaming inside , telling me to undo these things, to correct what I’ve done/said wrong, and then
a wall comes before that inner voice, a wall of myself, as cold as ice, as numb as dead, it dosen’t move. My mind keeps ravng with thoughts
of action I should do, but the wall is just there. Nothing surfaces over it.
Even parts of nature are very amusing to me sometimes.
Maybe they are the simplest of human behavior patterns, but i draw a blank when i want to understand them.
Like last week, everyone was going to my aunt’s place, my mom asked me also to come. I said I didn’t want to go. Just that and stuck to it.
She requested, then scolded, then called me names of being fat and trying to avoid people just like my father used to ( this one really hurts a lot),
I could feel the hurt and the words, and the wall appeared. inisde I could hear my thoughts saying ‘maybe i should go’ , ‘I will go’ ,
‘i’m also coming’ , but nothing surfaced the wall. I just stood there numb on the surface and feeling sad inside.
Then just yesterday, my sister was going out to party with her friends, she needed a ride,
so she asked A if he would come along, A is my college friend and we’ve been on a  fight for last few months, so we don’t hang out. Now my sis hanging out with him, gets me irritated. I know she would go crazy if I did the same to her.
I don’t want to. I want to be cool about it. But inside its irritating and since I don’t want to show that, I react even more weirdly, I snap at her and become all grumpy. And she keeps pestering me, being all polite and saying, come along with us, talk to A, you shouldn’t fight. Well how does it matter , you still hanging out with him anyway right?? so ?
Uff.. just don’t get these things..so I try to ignore them.. not so right, but whatever!

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Am I making my life??

I used to be the No-Fear-girl, I used to be the Got-guts, I used to be the I-Know-I’m-Not-Wrong girl, I used to be the I-Know-What-I want-girl.

I used to be..

But now and for a very long time, I haven’t see that girl. She’s lost, she’s gone, maybe she’s waiting for me to call her, maybe she’s not there anymore.

 

I see life around, of other people and I see them living, being, doing what they want, they have a reason, they have a reason they have chosen. Me, I just feel so lost, i don’t know anymore what I want, my guts have run out and I have lost courage to seek inside my heart and be anything different than what currently is.

 

I know, its not fair to compare you life to others, but I’m not talking of circumstances they have, I’m talking about how they react to these situations, the decisions they make, the life they make for themselves.

 

And then I look at myself and I know that I am not making my life. I’m letting the situations drive me, I’m letting the dissatisfaction seep in, I’m just being there and not doing anything, everything is driving up to me, and I feel like as dead as a tree, standing still, where these creepers are running over me, covering each part of my existence until this dead tree becomes a bush of creepers. Losing its existence and identity.

 

How did I get here? When did I loose the faith in myself, when did I stop taking chances on my guts, when did the love for others killed the love for myself.

 

Its not a new situation that I’m in, many have been here before and they have lived through it, so how come I don’t believe I can too. What am I scared of?

Bills rising up, debts getting higher, needs getting bigger, my faith turning to nill, the fear killing me in, my shoulders losing the bones, the burden and guilt all along. Its not living a life, its not, not for me. I need to find myself again, find the girl I used to be, I’m doing all that I can for others, but if I loose myself today it’ll be forever i know.

 

I need to be in control. To be what I am. To know what I want. To have the guts to find what I want. Listen to myself. Listen to the soul. Finding that lost soul.

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Lost a friend..

I have lost a friend today, forever. She was the nicest and sweetest girl I knew, she was so lovely to be around, jolly nature, easy going, enjoyinhg life, no tensions.

We met when I started my first job , in first year college holidays, she had come from Dehradoon and it was her first job too. We clicked the very first day, we were both looking for a place to stay and so decided to find a PG accommodation together. We found 1 and then were roomies for next 8 months. We knew each other in and out, after all staying together makes you very transparent. She was such a sweet and pretty girl. I will always be fond of her. Even my mom used to like her a lot.

 

I used to get into trouble a lot, when I used to get my then boyfriend up to the room, which was not allowed, but she never said a word, she never got angry with me, she just cooperated.

 

Then me and my college friends decided to take a flat together, and I asked her to join us, but she didn’t, I was a little upset but I understood her soon enough and knew why she didn’t want to live with us. She was a office person, we were college people, she worked at night, we in day, she would be lonely there.

 

I parted from the PG and she moved to another PG where there were many girls and she felt less alone.

 

Soon she got engaged and even though she didn’t like the guy, her family made her emotional and do it. She had 2 years of gap in the wedding and her mom told her that if she found someone better she could call off the engagement.

 

She changed her job and then found someone. We were less in touch. She was dating even though she was engaged. Before her wedding we met, she said she didn’t want to get married and she wanted to run away. I don’t remember what advice I gave her. She told me that the guy she was dating was not ready for marriage and he had elder sisters to get married off first.  She went ahead with her wedding. I went to Dehradoon to attend the wedding. She looked like a perfect pretty doll in baby pink lehnga.

 

After her wedding she and her husband moved into a flat in Delhi. I went to meet her. She was not happy. She said she didn’t have any connection with him. She said they both sat in the same room and had nothing to talk about. She didn’t even know his salary. Her husband would take every matter to his family and their relationship was too much interfered into by both their families. She was not happy.

 

Later we met and she told me she was pregnant. She wanted to get abortion and asked me if I could accompany her. Her husband was away at army duty and she was alone here. I went to her support. She told me her husband wouldn’t believe that it is his baby and would tell everyone that she was having an affair..Today Now I’m not sure what she told me was the truth, but I will like to believe it was.  She got abortion and went back to married life.

 

I met her again and she said she wasn’t happy at all. I’m not sure how many times I met her and she kept saying this only.

 

Finally after sometime, she said things were better. Her husband was trying and they started to spend time together. He had moved to Delhi permanently and she would cook for him before leaving for office and they went for movies. She said it was getting better. I was relieved. She deserved all the happiness in the world.

 

After sometime when I spoke to her, she told me that she was getting a divorce. Her mother had agreed to it. She said it was mutual. They filed for it and in next 6 months it was done.

I met her again and she seemed relieved. I told her that now she’s free she will get a great guy who will always keep her happy. She deserved the best.

She was living alone now and working.  Her mom and grandma would keep coming to stay with her. I asked her to come to my place many times, it never happened.

Then we kept talking in gaps and she would sometimes  be in Dehradoona and then back in Delhi.

 

She changed her job. She moved her place. And then we lost touch. I kept calling her and sometimes she didn’t pick, sometimes unreachable. I should have tried harder to be in touch with her. I should have made more efforts.

 

It’s been 2-3 months since we last spoke and yesterday I got a message from her ex-husband saying she had committed suicide. I couldn’t believe it. He was a jerk. He’s lying. I called him and said he shouldn’t lie about things like this. There was no pain in his voice. It was a lie.

My family and I went for a movie last night and enjoyed it. When we came back the only thing I was saying inside was, it couldn’t be, she can’t do that. No its not possible. I couldn’t sleep with lights off. I turned them on and then dozed off at 4am. I woke up with the same thoughts. My mother kept telling me call someone and confirm.

Whom? I didn’t have her home number? No common friends number? I didn’t know where she lived. I called her ex-husband and told him I didn’t believe him and asked for her home number, he gave me the number, I called and her Grandpa picked and said the same things. He said her brother was in Delhi to identify and take the body and now he was returning with the body to Dehradoon.

I couldn’t speak.

I cried.

I still didn’t want to believe it. It was all a lie. it can’t be. I opened facebook, looked at all her friends list, trying to find someone who’s number was listed to be seen. I found one number. I called this guy and asked if he had her number, he said no, he asked what this was about, I told him and started crying, I told him  I don’t believe it and want to talk to someone who was in regular touch with her. He said he would help me find. He found nothing.

 

He also told me that last time he spoke to her, she was living with her Boyfriend, the same one that was before marraige. He said after her divorce she was back with him.

I was shocked. She never told me all this. She never mentioned being back with him.

Did she think I would not support her. Was I not a trust worthy friend. Did she think I would judge her.

 

After all ways of ignorance I tried to find out. I couldn’t speak. I asked mom to talk to the ex-husband. She did. It was all true. He said the boyfriend was the reason she took divorce and now the reason she took her life. She left a note saying that the boyfriend had ditched her for another girl and she hanged herself. The landlady saw her hanging and called her family in dehradoon. Soon the husband started getting calls and then he forwarded the message around.

 

I cried. I’m in shock. I can’t believe it.  Is she gone. Could I have helped?Why didn’t she share with me?

I don’t know how to be with this. She gave her life by her own hands. The girl whom I found the sweetest in the world, something had troubled her so much, someone had done her so wrong.

How could she? I don’t want to believe it. I can’t imagine it.

She was so polite and I’ve hardly ever seen her get angry. Such a big step? Where did she get the strength from? Why Bhawna? Why didn’t you call me and share you problem? Why didn’t you gather some courage and face it all.

Please Bhawna, let all this be a bad dream I wake up from. God please. She deserves a happy and long life. Please bring her back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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