Monthly Archives: October 2010

Limitations..self / imaginary..n very limiting

I say and try to be as much as free person as I would like to be but somethings and someways I see that reflection, of my words, of my thoughts, of my beliefs and of ‘what I want’ and I know the truth is that I am not free as I would love to be.

 

Sometimes I limit myself with consequences or more like fear of responsibility. I feel l’m not ready to take them, to bear the weight, even if its psychological (the weight not the fear, the fear is real), to be able to do the responsible act without dying inside or cursing outside, either of the two is bound to be my behavior and resulting in making me bitter and awful and guilty, all of which I would hate. I fear it so much and limit myself so much.  Like we wanted to buy a car, and I know that we can take a loan but I this thought of being in debt for 3-4 years, having a responsibility on my shoulders and being bound to fulfill it, it all makes me feel so scared and not ready, so I don’t go for it. I oppose it, I make excuses out of simple questions to which we can find solutions, I say I can’t see how we will save and pay it back and how it will all work, I say we need little more income before we take this step. Yes, I do feel the financial thing could be better, but the things that come along with the car and loan scare me, limiting me so much.

 

I limit myself from love and other feelings, I make myself believe that there are these things that I will not do without in a guy and mostly all of it is impossible to find. It’s like I’ve created a void and unreachable place n my mind and assume that is the only option. I don’t see my options. Not dating people at work, he should be rich, he should be handsome , he should be chivalric and this and that. Why would someone like that fall for me (btw I think im in self value crisis and much of it coz of the adding weight and tyres and i hate being fat and plump and people calling me cute and chubby..if you scream at me..i will start cry now).

I limit myself by not being open, accepting others for who they are. I have opinions on everyone, they’re not good enough, judging everyone like I’m the only one that matters, I can’t share, I don’t like people who don’t reciprocate my warmth and friendliness, I don’t want to be open with everyone, I feel like its only few people who i will give privilege to be close to me, as if I’m so important and even though I know that I’m limiting and closing myself into a corner by being so choosy and I don’t like this me, but I know this is me. I want to stop having opinion and reactions and actions over it, I want to be easy on others, on myself, I want to be like easy-going, fun, not so much thinking over even unimportant things.

 

 

I limit myself from being myself. I don’t think I believe that I’m acceptable as myself, but then the confidence I have in myself is there too.  I want people to like me and then I become like a presentation that needs to be passed, I want to impress and be praised and then maybe I’m not being myself there. I hate people who pretend and hate myself when i feel or even question myself ‘if i’m pretending’.

 

I don’t feel free, I hold grudges, I hate those for whom I have grudges, I have imaginary speeches of ‘what I would say’ going on in my head, I an’t let go, I can’t forget, I feel cheated, by others by myself, I feel so limited when I breathe and when I live. Its like there are these things that I can do and be but I’m not coz of my small thinking and petty reasons. I can’t seem to grow above and beyond it.

 

I hate this.. I don’t feel real, I feel like there is this prerequisite that I don’t have that is needed to be real and sensible. I don’t know. I’m almost in tears and have no clue when these observatory/ thoughtful words turned into nagging and depressive and low moral words.

 

Am I living a lie?..it feels like a lie, pretense or ignorance. How difficult is it to be yourself?

 

 

 

 

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Do you think I got anger/temper issues..

I have been a very lonely and alone child since childhood, not many friends you know and the reason for this was I didn’t get along with much people children, they annoyed me, I saw so many issues with them and the way they behaved with me, I spoke the truth, I corrected what I thought was wrong and I didn’t think that I needed to pretend to like them or their bully ways. Why should I? Well, that’s another aspect of my personality, everything is either FAIR or unfair and I hate unfair, maybe that’s why I hate life too, it’s bloody unfair.

 

Anyways, that was me as a kid, few friends, no bullshit taking from other (including seniors and teachers) and fighting with my sisters friends f they bullied her, which she sweetly resigned to as she knew in her head that it would benefit her soon and I never got that, what is wrong is wrong., friends don’t use you.

 

As a teenager too I was very misbehaved (if that’s what you may call it). I used to air my opinions openly, no diplomacy and sometimes this would involve blaming my elders with their wrongs and saying openly to their face what they are. Like this aunt of mine she always goes around bitching and putting oil in the fire, so once she did try to do that for me and I went to her and told her that she was the culprit to creatae a mess coz that’s her pastime and all that she knows. Another time my cousin was at our place for few days and then he went back and spread stuff about my mom being lazy and my house being a mess, helloo! so who forced you to come and after receiving hospitality from us how can you bitch like that, so he called to talk about something and I gave him a good thrashing and also abused him (which I agree was over the top).  He was almost in tears and went back to his mom (same aunt) and then she, as her true self, spread the word with much fan to the fire and I started getting lectures. Another aunt of my called and told me I shouldn’t have spoken like that, to which I clearly told her that it was not her matter and she should not interfere, she too got too much offended and called me all snobby kind of names.

 

Now it’s not the only reason I’m posing this question. Whenever there is a situation in my head that I need to react to, my first reaction in my thoughts is Violence -shouting/screaming, its like that’s the default option. I noticed this a few years back, anywhere there is a place where I need to plan my reaction, its always fighting. But I don’t do that obviously, coz now I do use the sane part of my brain and try to get over it or cool down, but this thing in my head, you k now its like if I shouted the loudest or hit the hardest, if I was the strongest, it would all be over, no need to explain, no bullshit that I hate so much ..nothing.

 

Maybe it makes me feel powerful in my brain, but I don’t react that way in real and then I think there is a discontent or undone thing left in my subconscious, I don’t feel good, then I think about it and realize how bad it would be if I actually had behaved badly and how I would have to bear the consequences and I felt relieved.

 

Things have bettered with time though, but sometimes ithe thought of throwing my anger (which feels very powerful) seems like all I want to do. Can you image I even keep having these preparations for the speech I would give and what would words hit like a knife and pierce the person in front. Even when I don’t intend, it starts on its own, in my head, this speech.

 

And why I am confessing or guessing is because today this happened, early in the morning I heard yelling sounds and then saw that my landlady was shouting horribly at my mom, as she forgot a tap open and the water was flowing to the drain. I got so so mad and since then there is this speech going on in my head on how I should yell at her and tell her to learn some manners. I could pull her hair out if there was no consequence,  really! But then that can’t happen, so I will do down when sis comes and we will both talk to her and tell her to behave,  of course with not so much politeness, well I’ll leave that to sis, she knows how much is too much, I just loose it.

 

So Do you think I have anger issues??

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I don’t know the way..

I seem to be lost in the world of men and dating. And here I don’t mean just casual stuff, which also I have no idea about but try so hard to adapt and keep making a mess inside my brain and conscious, but I’m talking more on the actually boyfriend thing.

I think I haven’t actually wanted, like felt-ready kind of wanted, a real boyfriend for so long that now it doesn’t seem a real thing ( ‘a boyfriend’).

I tried to find the way, you know made the efforts but I seem to be missing the important  basic reasons of what I want and why.

What has been happening or more like had happened was that I had convinced my confused and pulp brain that I wanted just something casual dating and I could totally do it, I could totally not care and be aloof and yet have fun and not bother of feel guilty. Then when I met some guy, my brainwashed-brain(by myself of course) would behave as if I just was too casual, like something we see in all the drama series, as if this was a gossip girl season going on. Obviously when one isn’t herself it leads to weird behavior and saying stupid stuff and thinking why i said that. Anyways you become a bundle of confusion and much messed up to tell how much. Then when it gets too much and I feel all guilty and stupid, I pull away with some stupid reason that the other person wouldn’t know.

But this was much before, I haven’t even done this for a long time and I’m happy about that, but seems like I’m going to not know what to say and react, even if the perfect guy came up to me.

Another silly thing that has been happening is that I give all mixed signals to the guys I can already see are not my-type. You know, too conservative, don’t match my level of conversations, I don’t like or feel attracted to but other girls say he’s good. Now you may feel I’m sick in the mind or something, but really this is what happens.

And now that I’m thinking about it, it was ‘A’, he was the one I was telling (just like many other times) that I don’t meet anyone nice and cribbing over ‘why can’t find nice and sweet and my-type guys’ and he  told me that if I make a judgement about how the guy is without even going out with him, then maybe its my fault(how did he remember that). I atleast got to go and spend some time and then decide. I think my mushy brain agreed and seeped that in. That idiot! the only piece of advice he gives me and its all bull-shit!

God, you won’t believe how I have been behaving , I don’t believe it too when I stop and think. Remember the Tech-guy who was at my office, the moment I saw his pic and even before when I heard his crazy talk and how he was a wuss and bullied by his brothers, I knew this wasn’t what I want to even try and get to know, but then I did keep being friends with him and even though I was clear about that I didn’t like him, I was kina thinking what if he likes me and he was always giving compliments and I would simply laugh off and say thanks. Then he started calling almost everyday and I completly ignored him until he stopped buzzing me. He was getting too irritating by calling so much and his stories were all so crazy people types. And then I did feel guilty about rude behavior but then he left my office and moved to another city and I’m not guilty anymore.

 

Then the Cute-guy I had mentioned, he dosen’t have a humor sense at all and he ‘s not witty or quick and smart (not looks but brain), he’s laid back and lazy and makes no efforts (which i totally hate). But I still did keep him as a romantic option somewhere in my dizzy-brain, so everyone once in a while I would send him a ‘Hi. Wassup?’ over the chat and have a non-interesting conversation that would kill even boredom. He even talked about going out and then cancelled and then I stopped whatsoever contact we had. He pinged me a few days back saying he didn’t have much work , ‘ hello! so what do you think I am , your entertainment ‘  and then said to myself that its polite he thought of talking chatting when he had some time, and again a dead conversation where he throws his laid back attitude and says he doesn’t plan much and goes with the flow. Really I haven’t heard the silliest of thing ever from a guy. Anyways again couple of days later a ‘Hi’ and then even though by now it was so clear that I would sleep with my eyes open if i ever talked to him face to face, I said something like

“we are sounding like bored people”  and

“to prove this wrong we wll have to do something intersting ‘

in two separate sentences ok and it led him to think that we Both should do something interesting”

and I didn’t back out and correct his tiny brain, which I doubt he has, but then I’m too much judgemental to sound fair,  and I told him what were my options and instead of him coming up with something interesting to say, he asks me

“you say what you prefer”

I mean will it be planning ahead if you just strained your brain(tiny) and suggest something a girl would like to hear or maybe he just wasn’t interested and thinking of it as a free pass to a concert. Not sure how ‘free pass to concert’  fit there..but you get it right. Make some effort dude!

I said I need to options and something and he said ‘Nice one’ and then he told me about 3 places, 1. a sports bar

2.  a mall very close to his place

3. Hard Rock cafe..really!! you and ROCK? it lives and you seem to just breathe!!..even i feel energetic and lively compared to you.

I told him I would tell him after lunch, but never replied.

You see what I’m saying, He’s so not my-type, no wit, no humor, no effort, ..nothing.. and still, in some weird lost mindframe (in these things) and very aware in all other things,  I took the conversation and entertained the no-life-Cute-guy. Phew!!

How stupid am I??? I don’t know the bit about all this … I’m just scared that if someday someone I actually might like comes up to me and I would act totally weird and stupid, coz I don’t think I have any sense left of ‘being myself’ left either.. It confuses me between ‘how I want to be’ and ‘how I am’.

 

Still lost… Mybe I should correct my reasons and try to genuinely get to know someone, but I don’t seem to find anyone like that…aaggrrr…

Let me think ‘nice-person’ and not ‘only-fun’ and maybe my lovelife will exist again.

 

 

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Woken from the dead..

It seems I have been DEAD on this blog for much time now. Why and all the reasons are something that I cannot think or talk now, although nothing great or significant there either, but maybe later I will post the reason for absence for myself, so later when I’m reading this as a archieved month post, I know why the gap, the silence, no words, no thoughts.

I come here today in need of peace and calm.

I suddenly started feeling so anxious and restless. I needed to write, not speak, chat, vent out , but write.  What to write? I haven’t paid much thought to.

Let’s begin with how my day was. It’s Monday and I took the day off, I had planned to do so earlier last week itself. Actually I went to office on a Sunday and my comp-off was pending, so I had thought of taking that on last Friday since Thursday was supposed to be an off, and that would make it a 4 day long weekend, but then the Thursday holiday was cancelled and so I jumped to Monday. Another reason why I thought I wanted the day off was to sort out my passport application and get it over with. But today I realized I just wanted to lay back and relax and not get the items on the to-do list.

So all I did today was sleep till late, read the book ‘The Secret Garden’ , which is a children’s book and when I picked it up on last Saturday from Janpath, New book store, I had the feeling that it was something I missed as part of growing up, not like missing someone missed, but more like ‘did not get chance to’ missed and wasted sometime on trying to push myself to get the passport thing done but I ended up finding reasons of not doing it and alternatives to what can be done next. Also my grandpa came to our place but it was only for 15 min or so and I was glad coz he didn’t make any comments on my fat and didn’t call be a golguppa (an indian snack that is round in shape with stuffing inside). It was a good day in all. I ate a little too much of bread through the day and finally restricted the dinner to be ordered (as has been happening very often past few weeks).

I feel better now. Some settled feeling.

Well, it’s past twelve and I have to wake up early and do some yoga (which I missed today) and have started again from the last 3 days only. If you’ve been on this space before, you would know how many times I take up and leave health stuff.

Sadly, I have to wok it up now and I promise I will not leave before I reach my goal (which is not very much decided in statistics but only in general kinna way). Good thing is I’m onto Jazz classes again, its been 2 months and I’m back to 2nd level, coz I joined after a long gap and they make you begin at level 1 and then see your progress and yupee I’m back to the level I had left on.  Guitar classes have been off ever since dance started, I think I’m not able to handle 2 activities together, or maybe the lazy old me like to believe that.

Lastly, I saw the last post’s title and just an update on that, almost all of the pay cheque went into clearing the credit card bill that was majorly summed by buying a new phone for sis (which she lost within a week) and mom’s shopping spree for sis’s wedding (which btw is no where in the scene, there is not even a guy yet). The left amount was use up into household stuff and nothing was saved. Where am I going to land up like this?

From what I remember last that I posted, nothing major has happened yet (all hopes are still high, in a good way), the guy things -nothing, the job – nothing new only that I’ve learned my manager is getting more and more untolerable to me, family – nothing new.

I’ve been keeping at home mostly and no outings. I’ve also been keeping quiet I guess coz my sister went on complaining for the entire last month to everyone she spoke to that I wouldn’t talk to her and chat at all. Maybe! I haven’t been reading either, just got few books from CP last Saturday where I went to my bank to get my new atm card coz my mom had lost the original one after she went on a major shopping spree. I strolled into janpath alone for hours and then at book store too, I loved it. I just hung around the books and didn’t want to leave. I picked few books some recommended and few new. I’ve finished 2 of em already, The Bell Jar and The Secret Garden. Next is Nobody’s Fool.

I feel so much better now.

I will be back I think and not wait until I just can’t sleep.

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