There are some things that I really can’t understand about myself.
These things that I do, say, they are beyond the logics on which I live, they are just there.
I can hear a voice screaming inside , telling me to undo these things, to correct what I’ve done/said wrong, and then
a wall comes before that inner voice, a wall of myself, as cold as ice, as numb as dead, it dosen’t move. My mind keeps ravng with thoughts
of action I should do, but the wall is just there. Nothing surfaces over it.
Even parts of nature are very amusing to me sometimes.
Maybe they are the simplest of human behavior patterns, but i draw a blank when i want to understand them.
Like last week, everyone was going to my aunt’s place, my mom asked me also to come. I said I didn’t want to go. Just that and stuck to it.
She requested, then scolded, then called me names of being fat and trying to avoid people just like my father used to ( this one really hurts a lot),
I could feel the hurt and the words, and the wall appeared. inisde I could hear my thoughts saying ‘maybe i should go’ , ‘I will go’ ,
‘i’m also coming’ , but nothing surfaced the wall. I just stood there numb on the surface and feeling sad inside.
Then just yesterday, my sister was going out to party with her friends, she needed a ride,
so she asked A if he would come along, A is my college friend and we’ve been on a fight for last few months, so we don’t hang out. Now my sis hanging out with him, gets me irritated. I know she would go crazy if I did the same to her.
I don’t want to. I want to be cool about it. But inside its irritating and since I don’t want to show that, I react even more weirdly, I snap at her and become all grumpy. And she keeps pestering me, being all polite and saying, come along with us, talk to A, you shouldn’t fight. Well how does it matter , you still hanging out with him anyway right?? so ?
Uff.. just don’t get these things..so I try to ignore them.. not so right, but whatever!