I used to be the No-Fear-girl, I used to be the Got-guts, I used to be the I-Know-I’m-Not-Wrong girl, I used to be the I-Know-What-I want-girl.
I used to be..
But now and for a very long time, I haven’t see that girl. She’s lost, she’s gone, maybe she’s waiting for me to call her, maybe she’s not there anymore.
I see life around, of other people and I see them living, being, doing what they want, they have a reason, they have a reason they have chosen. Me, I just feel so lost, i don’t know anymore what I want, my guts have run out and I have lost courage to seek inside my heart and be anything different than what currently is.
I know, its not fair to compare you life to others, but I’m not talking of circumstances they have, I’m talking about how they react to these situations, the decisions they make, the life they make for themselves.
And then I look at myself and I know that I am not making my life. I’m letting the situations drive me, I’m letting the dissatisfaction seep in, I’m just being there and not doing anything, everything is driving up to me, and I feel like as dead as a tree, standing still, where these creepers are running over me, covering each part of my existence until this dead tree becomes a bush of creepers. Losing its existence and identity.
How did I get here? When did I loose the faith in myself, when did I stop taking chances on my guts, when did the love for others killed the love for myself.
Its not a new situation that I’m in, many have been here before and they have lived through it, so how come I don’t believe I can too. What am I scared of?
Bills rising up, debts getting higher, needs getting bigger, my faith turning to nill, the fear killing me in, my shoulders losing the bones, the burden and guilt all along. Its not living a life, its not, not for me. I need to find myself again, find the girl I used to be, I’m doing all that I can for others, but if I loose myself today it’ll be forever i know.
I need to be in control. To be what I am. To know what I want. To have the guts to find what I want. Listen to myself. Listen to the soul. Finding that lost soul.