There are so many times that I do things and inside there is a voice saying not to do it. Things I say, actions I do, the way I react, I way I express myself. So many times I know it would hurt someone and yet I do it. Somehow I can’t seem to bring that inner voice to take control over myself, it always remains supressed.
I just can’t get myself to behave…when I’m feeling bad / hurt.
And feeling hurt is exactly what has been happening to me. My sis has been staying at my aunt’s for the last month and in that entire month she never called to ask how are things at home, all she wants to talk is gossip and party and taking more money from home. She also complained taht I never talked to her, yes i didn’t, coz I have nothing to say to her. I feel so distant from her and hardly share anything with her. WE have become 2 individuals with totally different opinions and I somehow feel distant and cannot share anything with her. Its not like I make an effort NOT to, but sharing would be much of a effort. Maybe staying in the same house does that to you. Nothing to say.
So on the first she came home and talked to about her birthday, 6th and how and where to party. THis was anotehr problem. SHe always makes plans with her friends and then tags me along like an extra. I’m tired of it. I told her clearly that I will not come with them and she can go wherever she wants. She inisted but I said no. Then she called my friend A to the party, whom I have been not talking to for over a month, because we had a tiff and he is never interested to talk to me. To hell with it. She knew very well I was not coming and it didn’t matter to her either, but still she kept on telling me that i should come and it matters to her.
Well if it matters to you then why didn’t you ask me when it would be convinient for me to be there?
Now see on my birthdays, I’m usually home. I like to spend time with family. Even if I go out I always plan with her, not plan myself and tell her later.
I hate her behaving so pathetic and somehow every birthday of her becomes a nightmare for me coz appartently I’m the snob who dosen’t know how to behave and makes faces and doesen’t make the birthday girl happy. Last time on her birthday, when I and A reached, she and her friends has already eaten and only leftovers were there to eat. Wow!!
This time I said NO. I will not go and make a fool out of myself. Coz she thinks her friends are the only ones who care for her. Well let it be like that then. Lets see how your friends will come to your help when you credit bills are so high, when you get thrashing from mom, when you take so many leaves and get so less salary and come home and yet your rent is paid. Lets see now..
I am sick of being the responsible one and her being the party girl! Why ? Just a month back she spent the entire home rent in shopping, due to which I had to pay double rent this time and all my bonus money went into it. She went to mumbai few months back and got so much credit amount on my card and I have to pay that. She wil not pay it. Why am I slogging here and still she is getting all the smpathy?
I didn’t go her party. I didn’t want to. So be it.
She did call A and then I got couple of calls from him while he was there. He never calls me otherwise, its been 3-4 weeks since we talked last and that too was a fight.
I sometimes feel that I push away people with this behavior, but thats how I react when I feel bad, I become cold and distant. I keep everythign bottled inside me and don’t see a reason as to why I should let it go until the other person cares enough to make an effort with me.
I haven’t spoken to my sis since then. I have nothing to say.
Somehow I feel like if they ever knew me at all then they would know that I am this way beacuse I’m feeling left out. And if they want to take my behavior for what it looks like i.e i guess arogance and ignorance.. then they never knew me at all.
But I still don’t know why should I always suffer for all this? The other person had her party and enjoyed it, while I was at home over-eating in dipressed mood. She got dressed, went with her friends and mine too, had a blast and here I am with the vent in my heart and posting it all here in hope it will leave me. I am the one suffering. All she did was make a fool out of me and then put the blame on me that I have been behaving badly.
Maybe only I know myself.