Suddenly life seems like not enough.. It’s just one of those days when you feel like you’re breathing and eating and shitting.. but not living enough.
Why I feel this way? would be something I have to think about.
In general, I do feel that I’m moving at a much slower pace in my life, even if it be Made Rat Race of life that I’m in, the race of materialism and money, even if I hate to be in it, I still want to be ahead in it.
I see my friends who are doing much better, earning more, travelling more, living more and then I see myself, stuck with budgets, doing a 9-5 job, boring to death, cancelling all fun things where money is needed, not going with family on vacations coz that’ll be 4 people and right now I’m not even good for 1 person.
I feel selfish and sad today. I hate the responsibilities of my life today, I hate my situation and my struggles today. They make me want to cry, cry out loud coz I see others at a much better place and no struggles.
I hate that I’m not that happy-go-lucky person, I hate that I’m not always slim and sexy, I hate that I can’t be where I want to be, I hate that I’m not compassionate and am filled with regrets and grudges. Today, I hate to be hating so much.
My sister has left for Mumbai today morning, with my friend D, to attend anotehr friends wedding. I didn’t go. Any guess why? First Expenses and second Grudges. Expenses that I did not want to make coz I had no money and even if I had I wouldn’t spend it on her wedding attendance, grudges because this friend was my school pal, her family also became very close to us, then her parents borrowed some 30K from my mom, without us knowing, and then they disappeared overnight. 4 years later she got in touch and sent the check back without interest. Later I got to know she lost her father. But I hate her for breaking that trust, for cheating us. She is now rich and spends lavishly. When she was inviting us over and over again, I told her frankly I cannot spend so much just to see her get married, she asked that she would send the tickets and I did not agree. I don’t think I would have been happy to see her so well off and having all the happiness when I would be there on her pity and mercy.
I don’t feel like I’m a good person today, but still..I hope I will learn and get over this. I hope never to see this ‘Me’ again.