——————–earlier saved draft— (i hate myself to draft and then not post)—————————————————-
I’ve been noticing a trait of myself recently.. MOOD SWINGs.. I never had them before, atleast not such major and hyper ones, and later I thought they are supposed to accompany PMSing. But now I’m noticing its often happens that I’m super excited about the smallest things or horribly sad over smallest of things.
I’ve been really moody for the past couple of months, and when I say moody what I mean is ‘siwtching between realisations that ‘I’m happy’ or ‘ sad’, very often. Also, switching between realisation that ‘I’m content’ and ‘feeling a hole in my life’ .
Well, I was super excited to be dancing in couple for the first time in my life. So so excited!! and the dance was Tango!! C’mon I mean I’ve never danced like that with a guy..it was something I saw on dance shows ! I was so excited about it that when we had our first extra class rehearsal I could hardly sleep all night. All I was doing in my mind was Tango!! I was talking about how exciting it would be to everyone. Also choosing partners was ladies choice, so I took a guy who was cute, tall and yes younger than me but really sweet. I had noticed him months back when I joined the class, but not in I-like-him way, but more of I-would’ve-been-younger-then-I-would-surely-go-for-him way. Anyways, after the first class, we were to meet on extra class kina thing to practice more and when I reached there the cute younger boy was not there, he was late, so I had to start practice with some other guys, and when he came, my instructor paired him with this other younger girl. Hmmph!
Okay yeah I was upset about it, but I was happy that I’m still in the tango. I was happy about it for 3 days. Then today I go for class and the final partners were to be decided.
The next class we were to get our final partners. I got a guy who looked like that hero from the movie ‘footloose’ BUT he didn’t want to do tango. Every time we practiced he kept throwing his hands and legs and saying I don’t want to do this. WTF!!! I was ok with it for a while but after many times of same reaction I snapped at him, I told him if he didn’t want to dance he should tell the instructor and I can find a new partner. He thought I felt bad and started defending saying that it was not because of me or anything, it was just that he didn’t like the dance form and he was more fond of Jazz Funk style. Hmmph!!! Now I was super upset! I even posted on my facebook status that I was stuck with a dance partner who didn’t wana dance. Thankfully he was not added to my friends list else that would be super rude, but my instructor was added and I’m not sure if he noticed it or not. I even told my instructor that this guy seems uncomfortable, so if he can tell me if these are the final partners or not? He told me we were just 1 class old couple and he would loosen up eventually. Still not happy me!!!
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Well, now after atleast 6-7 classes and practices, he seems ok, not too happy but Ok. There’s a audition for the tango couples today evening, as only 3 couples get to go on stage, so I asked my partner frankly if he will dance properly or intentionally bad and get us out, he said he didn’t want to do it earlier, but he knows I really wanna go on stage for tango, so he will do it rightly. Thanks!!
Also, a weird thing happened, my instructor asked me if he could borrow 2K from me coz he lost his wallet in the studio. I was so caught I said ok. He’s supposed to return it today, I hope he does.
It’s a weird thing..money!! It always strains relationships/respect/love/friendships.
That was all about the dance in my life.
Apart from that the mood swings are still killing me. Office is super boring coz now I’ve moved to my original office (from my clients superb office) and here the floor is dull and sleepy, the food is crappy and transport is as late and uncomfortable as they can possiblly make it. Frankly speaking, I almost hate this organisation, and the only thing that is holding my patience and keeping me from completely hating this company, is the Hope that it will bring some good to me. They have superb onsite options and I’ve seen my college seniors join here and travel the world on amazing locations and earn lots of green, all of my favorite stuff. So, I HOPE it will bring that good to me to, waiting for next 6 months to get over, because they aparently have a clause that experienced professionals will get onsite option only after 1 year of joining. However, people do go before 1 year also, but I think its kina thing to hold people down for atleast a year. So that is why I’m bearing with all this bullshit place.
Another of my mood swings has been over my body and health. I joined the gym a month back and was super happy about it. I wasn’t totally regular but when I went, I was dedicated. I even lost 1 kg in a month. But when I look in the mirror a sadness takes over. I’ve been unhappy with myself for so long and its growing more and more. A jacket that I used to button and wear last winters, dosen’t button up today.Ohhh poor me..I pity myself..I hate myself..I feel sooooo sad..suddenly every achievement of my life, everything I’m proud of , everything I am becomes a BIG ZERO!!! Then I go to gym, workout hard, feel really good. Then a look at the mirro, at the bulges, teh rolls of dat, the not fiting me now clothes..and sad..really SAD.. but I’m still trying..I will keep trying.. I keep telling myself I will get there.. I will look the way I want to..
About life being ‘content’ and ‘hole in my life’, thats still going now. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost track of where I am and where I want to go, and at other times I feel its ok, I am doing the right thing.
About hope for finding someone, I keep thinking whay would anyone want to be with me, I’m not super sweet and good natured, I’m not all slim and sexy, I’m not a millionaire..I can’t even afford to drive myself around. So Why would any guy want to be with me, love me, take care of me, drive me around. But I wouldn’t settle for anything less. I know.
These mood swings are weird and crazy. I keep jumping from one mindframe to other and I can’t control it.
Like today, the health sadness is at super roll, I’m feeling not so good about that and this workplace make me want to sleep or quit or something that has life in it. I’m meeting old pal A for lunch as he’s going on vacation for New Years.
New Years is again no plan, T is arranging a party at his terrace, just like his before marraige cocktail party was. Its good but at New Years I feel caught between spending it at home with mom and sis or going out. God ! THe guilt kills me!If I enjoy, I feel mom n bro are home and not having fun, Guilt!! If I spend on myself, I feel that they have not spent so much on themselves, Guilt! Anything and everything makes me feel Guilty!! Its gotten into my veins, my brain, my heart! Crap I hate it! Why is there so much Guilt in me, whats wrong with me? I’m doing everything I can to make their – ours life better…why can’t I enjoy myself?
Grumpy..is d mood I am in now….shit…I hate all this….I want to evaporate..just get out of her…