In my past 3-4 years of single life, no matter how much ever I ignore or laugh over the topic of having romantic connections or a boyfriend in my life, there has always been a doubt in my mind about ‘what I want’ and ‘why?’.
If you think of it then its not much different from wanting anything else, you need to know what exactly you want before you get it right.
Ever since my college relationship ended I have been really confused and so negative about the entire ‘relationship stuff’ that I never actually, really, wished to have a relationship for the right reasons, somehow the reasons of why I wanted a guy in my life was always something so material and unreal.
It’s been sheer ignorance, turning my face away and not accepting the fact, the fact that I was not sure and had mixed feelings, mixed feelings of how things that start well end so badly, hating myself for not seeing it coming, swearing over what a bullshit relationships are and then there was a small soft corner of my heart still in need of the love and care and not ready to admit it, hurt feelings that told me to stay away and maybe try ‘just fun’, confusion over what is actually ‘just fun’. Hell! It was all mixed up.
So in this all mad confusion and almost doped state of mind I had the brains left to make a decision, although a sloppy one, and that was that I want to date people. See what they are like and then decide if I want ot take it forward. Now if you’ve read my blogs you would know that this situation ‘of dating and then deciding’ never happened. I never got there. But in my mind the logics for if a guy was a prospect or not had horribly gone wrong too. I was thinking stuff like
1. He should be rich..
2. Why is he car pooling, so he dosen’t have a car? no ways..
3. He dosen’t know about good clubs ..so not cool
4. He should have influential friends..plz..
5. He should be good lukn and honest…sooo rare
6. He should have good dressing sense
7. He shouldn’t be too clingly but respectful and caring…duhh!!
8. He should be romantic with me..but no attachments and emotions. duh again!
9. He shouldn’t be too short or too tall
10. Should not be with other girls..atleast that is what I would know
11. No stupid day dreaming should be there.. I should only think about him when we are going out and have fun and then forget..
12. No late night calls and all day long sms..
and many other things.. no wonder I never met someone to be harassed with all that list.
Phew!! So basically what I wanted to say was that I feel that since I was in it for the wrong reasons, so I didn’t get a correct result either.
I still have to think over the right reasons of why I would want to be with someone. I think it’ll take some time.. but will surely post it, so I have some help if ever my senses go for a toss again *touchwood*.
Have you ever thought about this? If you know your reasons plz share with me too.