I say and try to be as much as free person as I would like to be but somethings and someways I see that reflection, of my words, of my thoughts, of my beliefs and of ‘what I want’ and I know the truth is that I am not free as I would love to be.
Sometimes I limit myself with consequences or more like fear of responsibility. I feel l’m not ready to take them, to bear the weight, even if its psychological (the weight not the fear, the fear is real), to be able to do the responsible act without dying inside or cursing outside, either of the two is bound to be my behavior and resulting in making me bitter and awful and guilty, all of which I would hate. I fear it so much and limit myself so much. Like we wanted to buy a car, and I know that we can take a loan but I this thought of being in debt for 3-4 years, having a responsibility on my shoulders and being bound to fulfill it, it all makes me feel so scared and not ready, so I don’t go for it. I oppose it, I make excuses out of simple questions to which we can find solutions, I say I can’t see how we will save and pay it back and how it will all work, I say we need little more income before we take this step. Yes, I do feel the financial thing could be better, but the things that come along with the car and loan scare me, limiting me so much.
I limit myself from love and other feelings, I make myself believe that there are these things that I will not do without in a guy and mostly all of it is impossible to find. It’s like I’ve created a void and unreachable place n my mind and assume that is the only option. I don’t see my options. Not dating people at work, he should be rich, he should be handsome , he should be chivalric and this and that. Why would someone like that fall for me (btw I think im in self value crisis and much of it coz of the adding weight and tyres and i hate being fat and plump and people calling me cute and chubby..if you scream at me..i will start cry now).
I limit myself by not being open, accepting others for who they are. I have opinions on everyone, they’re not good enough, judging everyone like I’m the only one that matters, I can’t share, I don’t like people who don’t reciprocate my warmth and friendliness, I don’t want to be open with everyone, I feel like its only few people who i will give privilege to be close to me, as if I’m so important and even though I know that I’m limiting and closing myself into a corner by being so choosy and I don’t like this me, but I know this is me. I want to stop having opinion and reactions and actions over it, I want to be easy on others, on myself, I want to be like easy-going, fun, not so much thinking over even unimportant things.
I limit myself from being myself. I don’t think I believe that I’m acceptable as myself, but then the confidence I have in myself is there too. I want people to like me and then I become like a presentation that needs to be passed, I want to impress and be praised and then maybe I’m not being myself there. I hate people who pretend and hate myself when i feel or even question myself ‘if i’m pretending’.
I don’t feel free, I hold grudges, I hate those for whom I have grudges, I have imaginary speeches of ‘what I would say’ going on in my head, I an’t let go, I can’t forget, I feel cheated, by others by myself, I feel so limited when I breathe and when I live. Its like there are these things that I can do and be but I’m not coz of my small thinking and petty reasons. I can’t seem to grow above and beyond it.
I hate this.. I don’t feel real, I feel like there is this prerequisite that I don’t have that is needed to be real and sensible. I don’t know. I’m almost in tears and have no clue when these observatory/ thoughtful words turned into nagging and depressive and low moral words.
Am I living a lie?..it feels like a lie, pretense or ignorance. How difficult is it to be yourself?