I have been a very lonely and alone child since childhood, not many friends you know and the reason for this was I didn’t get along with much people children, they annoyed me, I saw so many issues with them and the way they behaved with me, I spoke the truth, I corrected what I thought was wrong and I didn’t think that I needed to pretend to like them or their bully ways. Why should I? Well, that’s another aspect of my personality, everything is either FAIR or unfair and I hate unfair, maybe that’s why I hate life too, it’s bloody unfair.
Anyways, that was me as a kid, few friends, no bullshit taking from other (including seniors and teachers) and fighting with my sisters friends f they bullied her, which she sweetly resigned to as she knew in her head that it would benefit her soon and I never got that, what is wrong is wrong., friends don’t use you.
As a teenager too I was very misbehaved (if that’s what you may call it). I used to air my opinions openly, no diplomacy and sometimes this would involve blaming my elders with their wrongs and saying openly to their face what they are. Like this aunt of mine she always goes around bitching and putting oil in the fire, so once she did try to do that for me and I went to her and told her that she was the culprit to creatae a mess coz that’s her pastime and all that she knows. Another time my cousin was at our place for few days and then he went back and spread stuff about my mom being lazy and my house being a mess, helloo! so who forced you to come and after receiving hospitality from us how can you bitch like that, so he called to talk about something and I gave him a good thrashing and also abused him (which I agree was over the top). He was almost in tears and went back to his mom (same aunt) and then she, as her true self, spread the word with much fan to the fire and I started getting lectures. Another aunt of my called and told me I shouldn’t have spoken like that, to which I clearly told her that it was not her matter and she should not interfere, she too got too much offended and called me all snobby kind of names.
Now it’s not the only reason I’m posing this question. Whenever there is a situation in my head that I need to react to, my first reaction in my thoughts is Violence -shouting/screaming, its like that’s the default option. I noticed this a few years back, anywhere there is a place where I need to plan my reaction, its always fighting. But I don’t do that obviously, coz now I do use the sane part of my brain and try to get over it or cool down, but this thing in my head, you k now its like if I shouted the loudest or hit the hardest, if I was the strongest, it would all be over, no need to explain, no bullshit that I hate so much ..nothing.
Maybe it makes me feel powerful in my brain, but I don’t react that way in real and then I think there is a discontent or undone thing left in my subconscious, I don’t feel good, then I think about it and realize how bad it would be if I actually had behaved badly and how I would have to bear the consequences and I felt relieved.
Things have bettered with time though, but sometimes ithe thought of throwing my anger (which feels very powerful) seems like all I want to do. Can you image I even keep having these preparations for the speech I would give and what would words hit like a knife and pierce the person in front. Even when I don’t intend, it starts on its own, in my head, this speech.
And why I am confessing or guessing is because today this happened, early in the morning I heard yelling sounds and then saw that my landlady was shouting horribly at my mom, as she forgot a tap open and the water was flowing to the drain. I got so so mad and since then there is this speech going on in my head on how I should yell at her and tell her to learn some manners. I could pull her hair out if there was no consequence, really! But then that can’t happen, so I will do down when sis comes and we will both talk to her and tell her to behave, of course with not so much politeness, well I’ll leave that to sis, she knows how much is too much, I just loose it.
So Do you think I have anger issues??