I seem to be lost in the world of men and dating. And here I don’t mean just casual stuff, which also I have no idea about but try so hard to adapt and keep making a mess inside my brain and conscious, but I’m talking more on the actually boyfriend thing.
I think I haven’t actually wanted, like felt-ready kind of wanted, a real boyfriend for so long that now it doesn’t seem a real thing ( ‘a boyfriend’).
I tried to find the way, you know made the efforts but I seem to be missing the important basic reasons of what I want and why.
What has been happening or more like had happened was that I had convinced my confused and pulp brain that I wanted just something casual dating and I could totally do it, I could totally not care and be aloof and yet have fun and not bother of feel guilty. Then when I met some guy, my brainwashed-brain(by myself of course) would behave as if I just was too casual, like something we see in all the drama series, as if this was a gossip girl season going on. Obviously when one isn’t herself it leads to weird behavior and saying stupid stuff and thinking why i said that. Anyways you become a bundle of confusion and much messed up to tell how much. Then when it gets too much and I feel all guilty and stupid, I pull away with some stupid reason that the other person wouldn’t know.
But this was much before, I haven’t even done this for a long time and I’m happy about that, but seems like I’m going to not know what to say and react, even if the perfect guy came up to me.
Another silly thing that has been happening is that I give all mixed signals to the guys I can already see are not my-type. You know, too conservative, don’t match my level of conversations, I don’t like or feel attracted to but other girls say he’s good. Now you may feel I’m sick in the mind or something, but really this is what happens.
And now that I’m thinking about it, it was ‘A’, he was the one I was telling (just like many other times) that I don’t meet anyone nice and cribbing over ‘why can’t find nice and sweet and my-type guys’ and he told me that if I make a judgement about how the guy is without even going out with him, then maybe its my fault(how did he remember that). I atleast got to go and spend some time and then decide. I think my mushy brain agreed and seeped that in. That idiot! the only piece of advice he gives me and its all bull-shit!
God, you won’t believe how I have been behaving , I don’t believe it too when I stop and think. Remember the Tech-guy who was at my office, the moment I saw his pic and even before when I heard his crazy talk and how he was a wuss and bullied by his brothers, I knew this wasn’t what I want to even try and get to know, but then I did keep being friends with him and even though I was clear about that I didn’t like him, I was kina thinking what if he likes me and he was always giving compliments and I would simply laugh off and say thanks. Then he started calling almost everyday and I completly ignored him until he stopped buzzing me. He was getting too irritating by calling so much and his stories were all so crazy people types. And then I did feel guilty about rude behavior but then he left my office and moved to another city and I’m not guilty anymore.
Then the Cute-guy I had mentioned, he dosen’t have a humor sense at all and he ‘s not witty or quick and smart (not looks but brain), he’s laid back and lazy and makes no efforts (which i totally hate). But I still did keep him as a romantic option somewhere in my dizzy-brain, so everyone once in a while I would send him a ‘Hi. Wassup?’ over the chat and have a non-interesting conversation that would kill even boredom. He even talked about going out and then cancelled and then I stopped whatsoever contact we had. He pinged me a few days back saying he didn’t have much work , ‘ hello! so what do you think I am , your entertainment ‘ and then said to myself that its polite he thought of talking chatting when he had some time, and again a dead conversation where he throws his laid back attitude and says he doesn’t plan much and goes with the flow. Really I haven’t heard the silliest of thing ever from a guy. Anyways again couple of days later a ‘Hi’ and then even though by now it was so clear that I would sleep with my eyes open if i ever talked to him face to face, I said something like
“we are sounding like bored people” and
“to prove this wrong we wll have to do something intersting ‘
in two separate sentences ok and it led him to think that we Both should do something interesting”
and I didn’t back out and correct his tiny brain, which I doubt he has, but then I’m too much judgemental to sound fair, and I told him what were my options and instead of him coming up with something interesting to say, he asks me
“you say what you prefer”
I mean will it be planning ahead if you just strained your brain(tiny) and suggest something a girl would like to hear or maybe he just wasn’t interested and thinking of it as a free pass to a concert. Not sure how ‘free pass to concert’ fit there..but you get it right. Make some effort dude!
I said I need to options and something and he said ‘Nice one’ and then he told me about 3 places, 1. a sports bar
2. a mall very close to his place
3. Hard Rock cafe..really!! you and ROCK? it lives and you seem to just breathe!!..even i feel energetic and lively compared to you.
I told him I would tell him after lunch, but never replied.
You see what I’m saying, He’s so not my-type, no wit, no humor, no effort, ..nothing.. and still, in some weird lost mindframe (in these things) and very aware in all other things, I took the conversation and entertained the no-life-Cute-guy. Phew!!
How stupid am I??? I don’t know the bit about all this … I’m just scared that if someday someone I actually might like comes up to me and I would act totally weird and stupid, coz I don’t think I have any sense left of ‘being myself’ left either.. It confuses me between ‘how I want to be’ and ‘how I am’.
Still lost… Mybe I should correct my reasons and try to genuinely get to know someone, but I don’t seem to find anyone like that…aaggrrr…
Let me think ‘nice-person’ and not ‘only-fun’ and maybe my lovelife will exist again.