What I’ve never confessed before…

These are not the dark secrets from my past, not terrible facts of my life, just some thoughts that have crossed my mind. Weird/strange /unknown territory and their presence in my mind has made me question myself ‘if I was actually thinking this and why?’…

How it would be if I die at this age? How will my family react? How will they cope? Will anyone really miss me?

I don’t want to grow old. It scares me to death. Maybe dying early is good.

The way I behave, or misbehave as my mother says and calls me exactly as my dad and the thoughts that make me behave that way, did he also think like this. Will I turn out like him.

There is so much of sadness within me. Full of regrets, grudges, what if’s, self doubt. Will I always be like this? Can I truely be happy with anyone/myself?

Am I capable of killing myself? like can I actually jump off from a building when I look down and see the streets and cars moving many feet below?

Am I suffering from depression? Should I start seeing a shrink?

How long can I go like this? How long will I last? Why this burden weighs me down and sinks my heart? Why do I care so much?

Will I see my dad ever again? maybe after I die?

Creepy, but true to my heart I have felt them in my head. Some only once or twice, and some more often…

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2 Comments

Filed under family, feelings, Interesting, interpret, life, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, Uncategorized, writing

2 responses to “What I’ve never confessed before…

  1. I think you have more of an impact on the people in your life- than you think. Everyone wants, needs, and deserves to be happy. Go get happy. If seeing a therapist helps with that, then go for it! If it means sitting down and talking with your Mother, go for it! If it means cutting all the strings and having a life on your own for a while, go for it! Just go get happy 🙂

  2. Pingback: Did I do anything AT ALL this year?? « My Weblog

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