It’s difficult to control your mind and I can say that very clearly now because I’ve noticed I’m always thinking something, not intentionally, but it just goes on and on. Just like in the mornings, when I’m ironing my clothes, brushing my teeth, these weird thoughts/conversations keep running in my head, sometimes arguments responses to some topic, sometimes its a replay of some drama series I have watches, sometimes the talks that someone else would do.. this is really difficult to explain, but in short it’s all bullshit going on. I literally have to tell myself to stop this crap and simply do what I am doing.
My mind is usually clouded with various things, sometimes these thoughts linger on for days. It’s so ridiculous that I don’t know what to do with them, maybe me calling my own ideas ‘ridiculous’ is the reason they don’t leave, I find them not important enough to be dealt with and yet they occupy much space in my mind…
What do I believe in? What do I have faith in?
This question has been there for a while now. I used to pray earlier but ever since college I’ve stopped. Now I mostly don’t feel it in me. It’s so numb. When I’m sad I do question god, but belief and faith haven’t shown their faces directly. Maybe in my heart I have them somewhere, but practicing them and feeling them hasn’t been happening.
I know the thing sin life that I believe in, honesty and hard work. But what drives me to believe they are real? How do i know in my heart that this is how it will be, i don’t know.
Faith. How do I build faith?
Sometimes I feel I don’t have faith in me. I don’t trust people, I’m so guarded all the time. In times of trouble, I don’t have the immoveable faith that tells me it will work out right. I don’t feel it. But I want to. Really! I want to feel that safety net around me that makes every fall jump back, I want it to be strong so that no words, people can budge it, I want to be part of something that is beyond our common senses, part of something that gives me strength.
Is there some mantra I need to repeat through the day? Will I see a dream that will guide me to my destiny and then I will have faith ? Does When do I know I have it? Is it with me already?
Why don’t I dress up well when I know I can. I don’t spend money on clothes. I stick to basics. If given the choice to buy something, I would buy something that is most basic and useful and not so much about great.In my mind I know what will work for me, but I just don’t take that effort to get it done. Is this just being lazy or maybe I don’t have the fashion hunger.
I don’t have a style of my own. I don’t give it importance. I know I would love to look good and feel good, but what keep me to be so on the safe side of things. Don’t I trust my judgement? Do I think I don’t deserve it?
Am I trying hard enough to reach my destiny? Am I missing out on something and that’s why things aren’t changing? Are things actually changing and I don’t see it?
Am i practical enough or have too much dreamy ideas? I think it’s mostly dreamy ones. Like for the kind of friends I want , the boyfriend should do this. Ohh.. maybe I already have too many expectations set up in my mind and when they don’t turn true I feel hurt.
Could I clean this expectations board into blank in my mind. I would love to accept people the way they are. Why is this so difficult, this is just what normal people do right. Am i not normal?? Great… now I’m questioning my being normal. Howzat!!
What am I meant to do in this world? What is my purpose?
If all this stops then maybe I will think clearly. Or maybe I don’t want to think at all.