All my life I have felt like an outsider. Lonely. Not belonging and even though I know that everyone has a lonely part within them, I somehow feel it too strongly.
Now don’t get me wrong, the intent here was not to crib on past events, but explaining them before I speak of the present only makes sense.
In school days I was mostly alone. Just had a friend or two and that’s it. If I fought with them then I was all by myself. Even in my so younger age I remember feeling like no one understands me, especially my mother, the only console I had for myself was the extra love I got from dad. I never felt part of her (my mom), there was something about the whole thing that felt so unconnected. Yes, I did cry ‘mumma’ every time I fell and hurt myself, but seriously there was something missing.
With growing up came the rebel days and I, a little on the extreme of things, had a bad time with mom again. Dad was living away for the job and mum and kids were here for education. I always turned to be spoilt one. Boys, lying, arguing, everything that just gets you crazy about teenagers, I was. I used to have fights with my mom, really bad ones. I would hurt so much and then I would give it back to her, like hurting her was a shield for me. What I hated was she never acted as our mom. She was bossing around and giving orders, but not caring enough. She was out of my dad’s scope and now wanted to live her life. We kids always supported her, but then it turned to ignoring us badly. She never cooked, cleaned, helped us like other mothers would, and even though it was not a big deal cause boarding school teaches you all about how to live on yourself, it hurt that she didn’t want to be our mother. I always got the feeling that I was regret in her life. Later I got to know that she didn’t want me at all and then she never fed me either. It all just made that distance proof backed. The sense of not connected became more strong. There was a time when living with her in the same house I didn’t speak to her for almost 2 months. I still can’t believe myself. And I was just in school. That was the kind of bitterest between us.
After my dad passed away, I was much in peace with her. She was my only parent and even though I saw she did much for my sis and less for me, also reason being my sis is much manipulative and self-centered, I started caring for her. It was more of an obligation feeling. She did see the tough days and made sure we got through the education, even if she had to beg my grandparents for the money. She did kill her wishes and make it available for us. This is when I felt that she was my mother. She cared.
Today, when I am earning and running the house, she feels she is on our pity, she feels we will never treat her right. I do all i can to make her needs be fulfilled, but if its emptiness then I can’t buy anything to fill that void.
Just few days back I had an argument with her, bad one. She left the house in the morning and came at noon (went shopping for groceries to some far place), then she left in another hour without caring if she made food or not or bothering about me and bro, later returned 6 hours later saying she went to get some documents done. The truth is she is feeling emptiness in her life and she keeps running outside the house to spend the time and hours. I am infuriated. Then next day me and sis went out and spent little money on stuff, when we got home she asked me about how I had spent it. I was telling her and then she started poling into my bag. I told her there is nothing in it but she wouldn’t listen and kept on bugging into it. Within a matter of seconds I got so angry that I screamed at her and told her if she cannot understand that I am telling her there is nothing in the bag. I know it wasn’t a big thing, but just all the her not caring enough and behaving crazy got to me. She keeps doing that, looking into our bags now and then and so many times I keep telling her not to. But she just doesn’t listen. When you can’t care enough to be in the house then why the bloody hell have you got any rights over my privacy. It was really bad. I yelled out loud and then she was all hurt that I was speaking loudly and she is the type who doesn’t cry but starts screaming back. All got really ugly. Then she’s like I know Ic annot live you all anymore, I am leaving this place and I was like yes please go.
After killing myself at a college that made me want to die and 2 years at a job that makes me wonder what I am doing here every single day, and all for her, if she still thinks that I am not doing enough, then hell with it. And to be honest, I just want her to show some care and love. But somehow I’m feeling that its gone again. All she sees when she looks at me is something that will help her cope with time and that brings in money but will not take care of her. I do care for her. If all I cared about was myself then believe me I would do things so differently. But she doesn’t seem to understand.
Yes there have been my fault for not keeping my cool, but how much can a person take. It will come out and in an explosion.
With so many words to explain the situation, I don’t have any words to say to her. I would’ve said sorry but she will only start her drama queen nonsense. I haven’t spoken to her since i.e 2 days now. And I don’t want this to get any further. I will speak to her today when I go home. But the thing that bothers me is, there is no way she will understand that I am giving up my life, hopes, dreams to make this family’s needs together. She will never understand how it is when the burden of a family weighs on my shoulders and kills the dreams I once had.
I know we all went through so much together, but it was never loved that bonded us. It was always the hopelessness and no other way out. And now, that I am a person on my own and we all want different things in life, its like a burden to bear each other.
I wish this wasn’t like this. I wish we had all the love in the world. I wish I could make it better. I wish she would understand.
But today.. there is nothing that I can do or say, coz we’re all so exhausted from coping up with, trying to come out of the downfall we had 9 years ago, trying to get off the hurt and hopelessness killing us within, wishing for miracles and holding onto some faith.
Until things gets better.. all we say is ‘atleast we’re self sufficient’.