I feel like writing today, although in points, but I won’t do that coz it takes away the personal diary/retrospection feel and makes it so scripted type.
Anyways, so after lot of grumpy posts from me, I’m sure few might be feeling ‘what’s wrong with her?’, so let me tell you people, all is well.
last week, one of my school friends ‘N’ was in town and she wanted a place to stay until she finds something, so she was at my place. It was little awkward at first coz we weren’t so close in school, I mean we were but not the sleepover type friends. However, I (like always) got very conscious of how filthy my house and bathroom was and made extra efforts to make sure all was neat. I even dusted my bed completely before sleeping. She was sharing my bed, coz I sleep alone, mom,s is and bro take the other room. I don’t know how this came so, but I like to sleep alone, maybe that’s another side of my loner personality, I know it started when dad was in and out of hospitals and no one would want to sleep on his bed, they were scared and I don’t blame them, at that time, I would take his bed and sleep there alone. I did scare me sometimes, but mostly I was ok. Anyhow, so ‘N’ was with us for 3 days, she came on Tuesday evening and we spent time chatting and all, I also started gym (yet again) on same day, sis came home and there was more of chatting, sis is more close to her, I think that’s the case with much of our common friends, still then we got her little settled, which was merely telling her where she could dump her bag and showing her the place (which is small so didn’t take time). Me and sis were both on off the next day, going to support my other school friends for her first art exhibition and ‘N’ was also coming along as her work was starting on Thursday. We had a good time at the exhibition and any time away from work seems like a bliss to me, however now I’m wondering is that normal?? After tired day at exhibition we came back home and slept and got lazy and then I dragged myself to gym again (really I do have some stamina in pulling myself to do stuff, seriously!) . I decided we should all get some sleep and rest coz all of us had work next day (God! that sounds so grown up!), but when a friend is home sleep isn’t coming so easily. Next day at work was ok and nothing much to say. It was little bro’s birthday nest day, so in the evening ‘N’ ans sis went out to get the cake and stuff and “N’ was hit by water balloon on her ass by some guys on bike, it was the much hoolah before ‘Holi’ going on and poor ‘N’ got caught. Both of them ran into the house back and then we just ordered all at home. I tried to get sleep before it struck 12 but nops, so I gave up and then we had bro cut the cake and sang the birthday song with wishes of ‘many girlfriends to you ‘ added. hehe.. More of chitchat and then some finally off to bed. Next day a work, again don’t remember much and don’t want to either.
The weekend was fun with lazing around as my usual, watching tv till my eyes start hurting, oh and I was also PMSing so gym was off for two days. Oh ya, sis lost her new phone , which she just bought like 2 weeks back and was billed on our credit card, so hell had to got and get and FIR for that coz she’s working on Saturdays. I did not scold her for loosing it and told her it was just money, we will earn more and get it again, to which she’s like I’ going to buy it as soon as I get my salary. She’s so concerned of what people will think, really its irritating at times. Anyways, so also got movie tickets of ‘kartik calling kartik’ for the day of holi and bro was pissed at that, coz he had to play holi with his friends and wouldn’t be able to come. It seemed stupid to all that we were watching movie on a festival and not celebrating, but then how much do we celebrate anyways, and also the tickets were at half price, it being a weekday. We watched the movie and was good and there were people in the hall apart from us too. I had taken the next day off again, as I had worked for few hours on Sunday and I didn’t feel like coming back to work after a festival (which I hardly celebrated). So yesterday went by just like that, sleeping tv, did much of the laundry and then gym. Hmm.. good day in all. Just the thought of coming to work was so killing. I don’t know what’s with me these days I just feel so in the wrong place and so deeply. Maybe its just a phase.
Also, spoke to ‘A’ yesterday after long time. He is so mean, he didn’t even call to wish me Holi. I can’t believe he has changed so much. I mean its good to be selfish and look at your interests but so selfish that it hurts others isn’t good. I know he’s moved to a different way of looking at life and he’s grown up and become all mature and finds me so kiddish, but does that change the way you feel about friends. I think he dosen’t find me a good friend and he’s given me no reason to find him same. It’s very sad. Some where I’m also getting a feeling that this is becoming a pattern in my life also, you know you meet someone, become buddies, best pals, share a lot, talk a lot, have fun and more fun, and then call each other best buds, and then after much time when you start expecting your best buddy to be there, boom! everything ends up! maybe when I give so much love, care and trust to someone, I start expecting a whole lot too. I think I scare them away or expect too much to push them away. I really miss ‘S’ and he friend ship we had, but now she’s a new person and someone I don’t relate to. She moved to Canada for a year and keeps posting on the Olympics, I’m much happy for her, though when I got to know she’s got the opportunity I also felt really bad for myself and was almost in tears.
After much of watching tv, here’s what I watched mostly, FRIENDS, Bones, Heros, Seinfeld and this really nice new program called ‘Mahi’s way’, it comes on Sony on Friday 8pm and it’s really nice. Apart from the Delhi background which I love and relate to, I like the whole real feel to it. It’s a about a girl who’s not the typical stick thin tv personals and wants a great life just like the other girls. It’s funny and sweet. Someplaces I felt the narration matched that in Lizzy Maguire. If you get a chance, watch it.
It’s been 3 hours since I’m at work and don’t feel a bit like working. I’ve really been fighting with myself for so long, trying to make peace with this place and thing I do, but you know what, I really don’t have my heart into it and I’m not going to kill myself on this. I have been quite extra hard-working and all but now i can’t do that anymore. I’m just going to do all I can in these 8 hours and leave it there. rest God can take care of. Also, had quite a tiff with ‘D’ last week, that’s my only work place friend-sorta and then we also took the time to talk over it and work things out. Its’ really difficult to make friends at work. I tend to start making favor s for them and then it’s not right or I get myself into too much.
How do you manage personal and professional within the same frame?
Right now.. time to get some work done. hmmph!