I haven’t been posting anything and although I have been in a state of confusion, zapping thoughts, stress over being stressed, changes I want but not acting on, so much.. so less I could do and then there was the words choking me, not ready to come out as they would become real then.
What happened? Nothing ! nothingness happened! that time that makes you feel hollow, ‘just living’ and not ‘living’, like breathing and not knowing what it will be if you stop, some space, something so shallow and meaningless that it makes you feel worthless, mindless. I know, it must be sounding crazy! It wasn’t so bad, I was just there, just doing what I should, nothing else. It’s difficult to explain, something like you’re waiting for this time, some magic thing, something you step on and then everything will be free from this ‘monotenous spell’. In my case it was the ‘New Year’ that seemed like when I would get off the spell and wake up and see clearly, see where I am and what I want now and how to get it.
Yes, I feel awake now. Here’s why I feel so:
– I cleared all my debt with my all my yearly bonus. But yay! debt-free feels super good. Somehow borrowing money make me feel loser and worthless. But then it was for the family and in times of need so. what the heck! it’s over now!
– Decided and FEEL LIKE giving myself the much-needed attention and love. I deserve much, and even though I will still be good at work, but I am done ignoring myself. No matter what, good food, good workout, self care, all will br priority over anything else.
– No more stressing over work and also no more stressing over being stressed. I think I’ve overdone it all (so like me). I’m just going to let things be. I can take care of all and whatever comes will be taken carefully and given my best.
– Gym starts Wednesday. Religiously! the delay is because I’m participating in this event at work and we’re doing a dance form called ‘Bhangra’, which requires already too much moving. Btw the event is coz the CEO is coming down from USA.
– Finances seem in much better state now. Such a relief!Hope some management will work here.
– I’ve decided, I’m not bringing any work home. It will all be cut off as soon as I’m out of office space. I’ll try my best and I know when I try I do get things done.
– Also, a little bit warmer the weather and Jazz classes will be back again. yay!! I did miss it all! the thrill, the saying ‘studio’, the mirrors, the feeling an idiot, adoring my ex-instructor ‘D’ (although he’s not gonna be there). I missed it all! Why the hell did I ever stop? Oh ya green..strange how money drives our lives, the realization makes me sad (coz I’m the dreamer that hopes for all live happily world) and happy (that I am capable of getting it and brining happiness for me and family).
– One family trip this year ! PROMISE!! I’ll save up. 🙂
Hopes.. I love being hopeful like I am now. It fills my heart with so much happiness, just thinking of all of it is going to happen.
I’m out of the spell! 🙂
Wish you hope too.. they say it is the first step to dreams coming true! 🙂
P.S: have been reading this book ‘Many Lives, Many masters’ by Dr. Brian Weiss. I’ts something! Will tell more when complete.