Things have been going ‘weird’ lately. I mean if you look at it all it seems okay, but when my mind is seeing it, it’s so weird. Let me explain:
Finances: Have you heard that the saying ‘Love will keep us alive’ & ‘love is all you need’.. It’s all bullshit! nothing like that. I mean we’re a family of four and we love each other a lot. But since me and sis are the bread earners of the family, everything has been so rocky lately. we both earn and yes its decent in total, but then she’s like super lazy and doesn’t get her entire pay, it always cut out on late day, which means half days, and much infuriating this month was she bought some office stuff and lost the bills, leaving a couple of grands to be deducted from her salary. WTF!! and then she doesn’t even have the guts to go and speak up for herself when required. Otherwise she’s all talkative and social, but when you need to speak for yourself she got this big ego and image to show off. I mean what? what do you want to show off, that you’re an heiress or sumthng. you’re not..get real man! I’m sorry if this sounds like totally bitching about my sis (which is what it is) but then I am so tired of it all. why am I bloody doing something i don’t like for the family and trying to get things to get better and all she does is be careless, lazy, spending money around, and if you say anything she’s all angry and she’s impossible. I can only do so much on my own, I need her help, and I’ve tried every way to make her understand that, talks, fights, arguments, crying, everything, and its been 2 years of all this going on. I feel exhausted and drained. And the sad part is that she feels like we push her for getting money.. c’mon my mom sold the house to get us through college, she sold all her jewelery, she begged from my grandparents, and now we need to pull this together and get stable status. And she doesn’t realize, we have to say that to her.. imagine..how ignorant and shameless can you get? I’m so pissed off.. just had a bloody fight with her..I knw she must be hurt,, but I’m dying here…and all for nothing at the end of the month, we’re again at 0. crap!!
Work : This new role is bugging me. I’m scared and even more than that its confusing and I don’t have any guidance. I know it’s just matter of time, but something unsettled always makes my mind be jiffy type. It’s weird, but then something.. i don’t know what..i’m even having dreams about work and its so frustrating, coz I’m trying to put things to place, but now it’s not just me but also other people i need to manage. and then that too tactfully, coz one of them is my friend ‘D’ and both started out at the same time and now I want to take charge of things, but I have to keep in mind that she doesn’t feel like I’m bossing and its so much thinking before i do or say anything. i guess its time to learn all the office politics and social stuff, that i am so not used to and so against. phew!! more than work it’s all mind stuff, you know, thinking about stuff, and handling all.. exhausting!!!
Friends: It’s actually just one friend, ‘A’ it think I have mentioned him earlier as ol’ fren or something.. dun remember..anyways so we have been very good friends and we’ve been though a lot. But lately he started acting like he didn’t care and wouldn’t make any efforts. I mean since my birthday that was in september, I have been constantly asking him to make plan to meet, go clubbing, movies something. but he’s like no always. I feel really bad. I mean why can’t you make time for friends, and its understandable if you’re busy, but it can’t be for 3 months regularly. I feel so bad, that now even making a small effort for me feels like so much to him. I would make all the effort for him if I could. But he makes me feel so unwanted and as if I’m trying to get something from him. It’s sad! we had this plan to meet tomorrow and he’s like ya I even have some work there, so I said lets meet somewhere else, and he’s like what if I have work there. I told him that I knew if he didn’t have any work then he wouldn’t come to meet, but he didn’t agree and i felt it was useless to say anything much as he didn’t realize how much he has been hurting me by behaving so rude and distant. I told him we will meet tomorrow, but I won’t. I’m too emotional and he’s too insensitive, always has been, and feeling unwanted in front of him while he doesn’t understand why I feel that, will be too painful. Sad! I call him my best friend and even though I know I can call him anytime and talk to him about anything, he’s started to stay away and on purpose. he’s becoming someone else. maybe he doesn’t need me as a friend, maybe i shouldn’t feel so bad. It’s really painful. 😦
Other stuff: haven’t been able to start my book yet. I spent the entire day today sitting on the bed with my notepad open and thinking. NOTHING!! my hands didn’t move.. maybe I am not in the right state of mind to tell a story. The dating scene has been all quite, after I stopped talking to New guy at all. Guitar practice is the only thing that’s keeping me a little happy. A few more songs on the (practice)list.
‘I love you till the end’ from P.S. I love you.
‘Way back into love’ from Music and Lyrics.