what I’m at right now..

Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

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